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View Full Version : Oops, another BLONDE joke...


Hottie
1st Mar 2006, 10:31
Blonde And The Alligator


A guy walked into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He put the alligator up on the bar and turned to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside.Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink." The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of it's head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genital, unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try." A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A Blonde woman timidly spoke up, "I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle."

.....boom boom, craaaaaash !
Anyone got any others ? :) ...without, that is, overflooding the forum page..

All in good jest- hope everyone is well :ok:

chuks
1st Mar 2006, 12:44
You can look it up if you like, but it's spelled 'genitals,' actually.

The old ones are the best ones. I think I first heard this one as 'The pervert at the circus' back when Christ was a carpenter. Still, it beats another bleat about American foreign policy!

Binoculars
1st Mar 2006, 13:05
Ahh, don't listen to him, hottie! Good to see you back!

BellEndBob
1st Mar 2006, 14:57
What's the difference between a dog and a fox?






About 8 pints.

G-CPTN
1st Mar 2006, 15:02
Who's ever heard of "Wear the Dog's hat" ?

acbus1
1st Mar 2006, 15:36
it's spelled 'genitals,' actually.

Unlike Jewish peeps, Gentiles are gentle with genitals.



Had to let that out. Once created from who-knows-where, twas hurting my brain all bottled up.

Mac the Knife
1st Mar 2006, 15:54
Maybe he only had one genital?

Presumably you have to practice for such stunts, and things DO go wrong at times....

chuks
1st Mar 2006, 17:00
Hmm, not a bad explanation for the use of the term 'genital' but wouldn't that mean things went wrong twice?

Mel Brooks' 2000 year-old man had something to say about his 'gentles,' I believe. And he sure wasn't Gentile!

Grainger
1st Mar 2006, 17:01
I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside...

. . .The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genital, unscathed as promised. Plural when they went in, singular when they came out. Not, perhaps, as unscathed as we had been led to believe. :ouch:

acbus1
1st Mar 2006, 17:13
Genial Gentiles are generally gentle with genitals.

Taildragger67
1st Mar 2006, 17:28
My sister can be a bit of a blonde joke when the moment takes her...

G-CPTN
1st Mar 2006, 17:38
Does she know the difference between conversation and sexual intercourse?

Empty Cruise
1st Mar 2006, 20:31
What's the difference between a quail & hunter?

About 8 pints!:}

Air-Geko
1st Mar 2006, 20:55
Does she know the difference between conversation and sexual intercourse?

If not, are you planning on having a nice long talk with her?

hughesyd
1st Mar 2006, 22:18
aH YES THE OLD CROC JOKE, I REMEMBER BERNARD MANNING TELLING THAT ONE IN HIS CLUB ABOUT 15 YEARS AGO!, STILL GETS A LAUGH THOUGH

flz
1st Mar 2006, 22:29
I have never heard it before, but I have been away for a while. It made me chuckle nice one:}

jon s gull
2nd Mar 2006, 05:57
Correct me if I'm wrong but 'Gentles' is a fishing term for maggots or grubs.

Power Up
2nd Mar 2006, 10:19
Can I join in?

How do you make a blondes'eyes light up?
Shine a torch in her ears.

Difference between rottweiler and woman on that time of the month?
Make up

acbus1
2nd Mar 2006, 11:25
Correct me if I'm wrong but 'Gentles' is a fishing term for maggots or grubs

Thanks for that.......

Genial Gentiles are generally gentle with gentles's genitals.

Any more?

Lon More
2nd Mar 2006, 12:28
Difference between rottweiler and woman on that time of the month?

One's a bitch and the other's a dog??

Kolibear
2nd Mar 2006, 13:16
Difference between rottweiler and woman on that time of the month?

err....... Very little?
No - the Rottweiler is more friendly.

on the same thread- What you do if a Rottweiler starts to hump your leg?




















Fake an orgasm

manamana
2nd Mar 2006, 13:28
I'll join.

Two blondes walk into a bar,
surely one of them would have seen it!
:confused:

Sailor Vee
2nd Mar 2006, 13:55
What's got four legs and an arm?










A happy Rottweiler:ouch:

acbus1
2nd Mar 2006, 13:58
Waddya call an intelligent blonde?

A...............

*Brrr Brrr....Brrr Brrr....Brr*

Hang on y'all.

Hello?

What's that?

Been done before?

On another thread?

Awwww!

OK.

*Click*

:(

Taildragger67
2nd Mar 2006, 14:12
Does she know the difference between conversation and sexual intercourse?

I suspect she does (although as this is my sister we're talking about anything along those lines is far too much information for ol' TD67) as she only has two rug-rats and can talk the leg off an Aga.

Anyway, you're too late - she's spoken-for by one of you aviator-types already.

Taildragger67
2nd Mar 2006, 14:32
Not necessarily a blonde, but...
A recent scientific study found that women find different male faces attractive depending on where they are in their menstrual cycle.
For example, when a woman is ovulating she will prefer a man with rugged, masculine features. And when she is menstruating, she prefers a man doused in petrol and set on fire, with scissors stuck in his eye and a cricket stump shoved up his ar5e.

frostbite
2nd Mar 2006, 16:07
A recent scientific study found that women find different male faces attractive depending on where they are in their menstrual cycle.


I wasn't aware I had one.

kansasw
2nd Mar 2006, 16:20
Difference between rottweiler and woman on that time of the month?
You can reason with the rottweiler.

BRL
2nd Mar 2006, 20:29
BLONDE LOGIC
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away...Florida or the moon?" The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida...?????"

CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, "What's the story?" He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor" She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"

RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?" The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."

KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway.
Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!"
"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"

BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!" The American said, "We were the first on the moon!" The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!" The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian, to which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"

IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

MagnusP
3rd Mar 2006, 10:03
Who's ever heard of "Wear the Dog's hat" ?
http://www.bofunk.com/video/1615/wear_the_fox_hat.html

ShyTorque
3rd Mar 2006, 10:44
Showed the blonde and the alligator joke to my wife.

She said "I don't get it - how could a woman put her genitals in an alligator's mouth??????"

Anyone like to take a guess on hair colour? :rolleyes:

:D

Sailor Vee
3rd Mar 2006, 11:16
Then there was the chav who, after meeting a blonde in a bar, and inviting her back to his place....
her reply, "OK, but I'm on my menstrual cycle".
"That's OK, I'll race you in my Nova!"

B Fraser
6th Mar 2006, 14:09
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctors office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.

"Impossible" says the doctor, "show me".

So she takes her finger and pushes on her left breast and screams, then she pushes her elbow and screams in even more agony.
She pushes her knee and screams, likwise she pushes her ankle and screams.

Everywhere she touches makes her scream.

The doctor says "Youre not really a redhead are you?"

"Well no" she says, "actually im a blonde!"

"I thought so, the doctor says, "your finger is broken!"

tall and tasty
6th Mar 2006, 14:23
Thanks for all these on this thread, have not laughed so much in ages...............

Unfortunately I don't have a good blonde joke to contribute except this one:

A young man finally got a date with the blonde female that lived in his apartment complex. To prepare for his big date, the young man went up on to the roof of his apartment building in order to tan himself. Not wanting any tan lines to show, he sunbathed in the nude.
Unfortunately, the young man fell asleep while on the roof and managed to get sunburn on his "tool of the trade". But, he was determined not to miss his date, so he put some lotion on his manhood and wrapped it in gauze.

The blonde showed up for the date at his apartment, and the young man treated her to a home cooked dinner, after which they went into the living room to watch a movie. During the movie, however, the young man's sunburn started acting up again. He asked to be excused, went into the kitchen and poured a tall, cool glass of milk.

He then placed his sunburned member in the milk and experienced immediate relief of his pain. The blonde, however, wondering what he was doing, wandered into the kitchen to see him with his member immersed in a glass of milk.

Upon seeing this, the blonde exclaimed, "So that's how you guys load those things


TnT

Devlin Carnet
6th Mar 2006, 16:22
A man rang his blonde wife on her mobile as she was travelling up
the motorway,
"are you on the M6?" he asked,
"yes dear" she replied
"well be careful, I've just heard on the radio that there is a car travelling
up the M6 the wrong way"
"not just one", she said, "they all are"

Pandalet
6th Mar 2006, 16:57
What can you tell about a blonde with a bruised belly-button?

Blonde boyfriend...

What's the difference between a blonde and a brick?

The brick doesn't follow you around after you've laid it.

And, moving on:

A young, soon-to-be-married chap, while playing cricket, managed to catch a ball in the why-didn't-I-wear-a-box region. His mates carted him off to the doctor, who, after a quick look, announced that he'd have to bandage the affected bit. A day or so later, after the wedding, said chap and his bride arrived in their honeymoon suite. His wife shrugged out of her top, pointed to her breasts, and said, "what do you think? They've never been touched by another man!". Our chap, not to be outdone, dropped his pants and said, "look at this, not even been unwrapped yet!"

*ahem*

I think I'll go dye my hair so the blonde doesn't show...

Hew Jaz
6th Mar 2006, 23:33
Ever noticed how blondes always work seven days a week?

Apparently it saves retraining them on Monday mornings.....:)

1DC
7th Mar 2006, 10:13
A blonde answers the phone at midnight and says, "How would I know, it is 50 miles away?"
Husband asks who was on the phone, blonde replies, "Oh, just some stupid woman who wanted to know if the coast was clear."

Huck
7th Mar 2006, 16:34
You hear about the hillbilly what got married?

His dad gave him the sex talk - told him to take the biggest thing he's got, and put it where she pees.

So he put his foot in the outhouse....

Flyt3est
7th Mar 2006, 16:49
Difference between BSE and PMS? One is mad cow disease, the other is an agricultural problem.

lplsprog
7th Mar 2006, 16:52
Blonde walks into a shop and asks the owner if she can use the phone to call her mother but she has no money to pay for the call.
The owner was a bit reluctant, so she says she'll do anything to pay for it.
He says "anything?"
"Anything at all" she says.
He takes her in the back and says "just pull down my zip"
She does.
"Now reach inside and pull it out"
She does.
"Now kneel down and put your mouth close to it"
She does.
"OK carry on"
She says " Hello mother can you hear me?":hmm:

Lon More
8th Mar 2006, 01:12
You could go to Kelly's Bar (http://www.kellys.com/jokeb1.html) for more; there's even a photo of an blonde's beaver

Maude Charlee
9th Mar 2006, 16:48
What goes yellow, black, yellow, black, yellow, black?




























A naked blonde doing cartwheels! :}

Ops Dude
6th Apr 2006, 08:15
How do you know if a Blonde has been using your computer?

Correction fluid on the screen and your joystick is wet

Ops :}

arcniz
6th Apr 2006, 10:16
...from waaay back:

What's the difference between a quail & hunter?

A. One of them must take the lead.





...sorry

RiskyRossco
6th Apr 2006, 10:34
Two blondes walked into a bar. The barman asked, "So, whats your poison?"
One blonde turned to the other and said, "I believe yon innkeeper is requesting your preferred beverage, in the contemporary vernacular."
Then they sat down to a very nice chat about the waning hopes for whirled peas.

:} :rolleyes:

Little Lady
6th Apr 2006, 10:58
Ok, so it's not a blonde joke, (Lon More has covered just about all of them with the link), it's still amusing....



What's a yankee?

Same as a quickie but you do it alone :O

Sleeping Freight Dog
8th Apr 2006, 05:26
Aviation-
What does a Blonde and 747 have in common?

They both have black boxes

United Nations
What do you call a brunette between two blondes?

A translator

Office
Why did the blonde get fired from the chocolate company?

She kept trying to alphabetize the M&M's


How can you tell a blonde has been at your computer?

There is white out on the screen

Recreation
How do you drown a blonde?

Put a mirror on the bottom of the pool

:p