View Full Version : Aussie jokes?

13th Feb 2006, 03:24
It's me brother writing this, but Im having a buggah of a time here in Aussieland with Irish jokes. Anyone know some comebacks to throw at em before punchup time at the pub.

13th Feb 2006, 03:37
The Australian hakka generally works for me.
But then, I'm a chick and unlikely to get hit.

Buster Hyman
13th Feb 2006, 03:46
Aussie Jokes....

Heath Ledger?

13th Feb 2006, 04:08
I'm at a place called Ivanbloodyhoe in NSW where very big sheep are kickin the guts out of me. I still dun't know what a raustabot is, something German I think. It's hell here. No Guinnes just some horrible VB and chrissnows what that stands fer. The boss has a Cessna and he won't let me fly it because I'm not security cleared. I'm in charge of opening gates for ths week it seems. There are no hills, just miles of open scary space.

The Aussies like me I think, their always laughing when I'm around.

Is Heath Ledger an Irishman? and whats a hacka.

13th Feb 2006, 04:19
Can't help you with the jokes, I'm afraid, but a 'roustabout' is generally a hired-hand who gets short-strawed for general labouring, pushing a broom, moving rubbish and opening gates etc. Sounds like fun, got a dozen of them here on the rig, loving it. Enjoying the weather?

13th Feb 2006, 05:06
Arr yes, we been putting ribber bands around sheeps balls all this morning thats why they were kicking me in the guts. I gathered the spellin was wrong thinking it was raus, but thanks anyway. The weather is good and i got an Irish bird called Sheilagh been her a long time taking me out tonight to Columbus street pub Ithink. She is a bit sunburnt and talks Aussie well. but I suppose thats what you get in the brush. Ive been to the rissole club and thats left me confused.

They keep saying wait for the shearing, can't be any worse than home or rubber bands or me brother.

Not many jokes. Got a day off tomorrow so may try to go flying again.

13th Feb 2006, 05:13
Remind them about former Aussie PM Malcolm Fraser complaining to his NZ counterpart about the number of "useless unemployable Kiwis crossing the Tasman and clogging up the dole queues", to which Muldoon's drawled response was "and thereby raising the average IQ of both countries."

Romeo Delta
13th Feb 2006, 05:13
VB stands for Victoria Bitter. Never tried it, but hear it's not the best. I've also heard that "Foster's" is Australian for "Tourist."

Aussie Hakka? How does that compare to the New Zealand Haka? Is it a bunch of Aussies slapping legs and shouting the words to "War Sigma Tilda"? :E

:ooh: Methinks I'm gonna get slapped fer that one... :}

Flanagan, get your sorry self across the ditch. Plenty of good Irish pubs, and some bloody good Irish peeps there. :ok:

Solid Rust Twotter
13th Feb 2006, 05:15
West coast of West Island's a lot better.....:E :ok:

13th Feb 2006, 05:22
VB's not a bad drop, IMHO. Way better than that stuff which is called XXXX mostly because they can't spell sXXt.

I think the Aussie Haka is the one where they call out the names of the Wallabies to the sound of the "Ka Mate" chant. Why they don't just take the real one away (and keep it) is beyond me. Please take it away. PLEASE!!

13th Feb 2006, 05:51
There are very few jokes about Aussies, and no funny ones. Watch it pal.


henry crun
13th Feb 2006, 06:05
The road across the Nullarbor Plain fell into a dreadful state, huge pot holes that swallowed trucks etc, it was going to cost billions to effect a permanent repair.

After submissions by a large number of consultants it was decided to replace it with a bridge which last much longer, cost less in the long run, and cost less in maintainance.

With due ceremony the bridge was eventually opened and for the first few days all was well, but then they had to close it..................too many Aussies were fishing off it.

13th Feb 2006, 06:09
stands for........Vitamin B

Romeo Delta
13th Feb 2006, 06:40
Wolfie, I think the All Blacks should adopt the NZ Gridiron Haka. Ours is a lot more fierce than the "Ka Mate" and includes nasty words (in Maori). It was written by the uncle of one of our Maori players.

Man, just calling out the names of the Wallabies players is pretty weak, really. Is there some sort of Aboriginal War Chant or something? Or don't the Aboriginies fight?

Really, I don't know. Never made it across the ditch to find out.

13th Feb 2006, 07:15
Hey Flags

You obviously haven't heard about the Irishman who visits his Psychiatrist and the discussion revolves around IQ's.

The Irishman asks, "If I had an IQ of 190 what would I be?"
The Psychiatrist replies "Oh, for sure, you'd be a Nuclear Phyisist or a Brain Surgeon"
The Irishman says "Well, If I had an IQ of 150 what would I be?"
The Psychiatrist replies "You'd probably be Chief Executive of a major company, or a Professor at University".
The Irishman then says " If I had an IQ of 100 what would I be?"
The Psychiatrist replies "Oh, you'd probably be working for the Council - digging roads or directing traffic!"
"And," replies the Irishman "If I had an IQ of 50 what would I be doing?"

The Psychiatrist replies "Paddy, if you had an IQ of 50 you wouldn't be able to tie your shoelaces!"
"Oh..." saya Paddy "So that why Australians wear thongs!"

Boom, Boom :ok:

13th Feb 2006, 07:48
Here's one for you about Bruce who had been out diving for crayfish. He hadn't had much luck, managing to find only one undersized specimen which he decided to keep anyway. He emerges from the ocean with his catch and walks up the beach where he bumps into the local fisheries inspector who looks at the cray with disapproval and demands to measure the creature. On finding that it is under legal size, he insists that it be returned to the water and he also advises Bruce that he will be fined $5,000 for taking an undersize cray.

Bruce stares at the inspector with horror and tells him that this crayfish is not for eating ... it is, in fact, a pet crayfish that he brings to the beach every day for a swim. He explains that he carries the creature to the surf every day, lets him swim around for a while then whistles for him to come back when it's time to go home.

The inspector listens to this unlikely tale in disbelief then decides to play along for a while and demands to see the plan in action. Bruce walks to the waterline, sets the crayfish down in the shallows and stands back. In less than a minute the creature is swimming strongly towards the Abrolhos Islands and very soon disappears from sight.

Bruce and the inspector stand on the beach for what seems an appropriate length of time then the inspector tells Bruce it's time to make good on his claim and whistle his pet crayfish back.

"What crayfish?" asks Bruce.

Solid Rust Twotter
13th Feb 2006, 07:55
Three folks are abducted by aliens, a German, a Japanese and an Ozmate. They have their skulls opened up to see what goes on inside. The aliens peer into the German's skull and see shiny stainless steel gearing spinning silently along. To see what would happen, one of the aliens drops a screwdriver into the gears. Instantly, the German drops down dead.

They peer into the Japanese fellow's head to find electronic circuitry, flashing LEDs and much electronic beeping. To see what would happen, they fiddle around in there until the Japanese fellow drops down dead in a shower of sparks and a fading melancholy beep.

They peer into the Ozmate's head to see nothing but a steel wire stretched taut from one side to the other. Puzzled, they look at each other until one reaches in with a pair of wire cutters and snips the wire....

.....And the Ozmate continues to sit there placidly sucking on a tinny as his ears fall off.:E

13th Feb 2006, 09:06
Don't knock the Australians. They are amongst the friendliest people on the planet.
If you ever need a bed for the night, one of them will oblige, and give up their bed,
If you're ever hungry, no problem. One of them will give you some food.
If you're ever thirsty, someone will buy you a drink.
If you find yourself with no money, one of them will lend you a few dollars.
But, the white Australians, they're a different matter altogether!!
(Borrowed from Dave Allen.)

13th Feb 2006, 09:14
Sheila, the Aussie housewife got out of the shower and slipped over on the bathroom floor. Instead of slipping over forwards or backwards, she slipped, did the splits and suctioned herself to the floor. She yelled out for her husband Bruce. "Bruce, Bruce" she yelled. Bruce came running in. "Bruce, I've bloody suctioned myself to the floor" she said.

"Strewth" Bruce said and tried to pull her up. "You're stuck fast girl. I'll go across the road and get Cobba" (his mate). They came back and they both tried to pull her up.

"No way. We can't do it, let's try Plan B." Cobba said

"Plan B?" exclaimed Bruce. "What's that"?

"I'll go home and get my hammer and chisel and we can break the tiles under her and release the vacuum." replied Cobba

"Spot on" Bruce said. "While you're doing that, I'll stay here and play with her tits."

"Play with her tits"? Cobba said, "Not exactly a good time for that mate?"

"No" Bruce replied, "But I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles aren't so expensive".

Keep it straight
13th Feb 2006, 09:28
aussie bloke goes to NZ to work on a sheep station and learn how it is really done, on his first day him and a fellow kiwi worker drive along the back off the farm on there horses when they spot a sheep with his head stuck in a fence. the kiwi bloke jumps off his horse runs over to the sheep, drops his pants and give it one. once done it yells to the aussie bloke, mate hurry up its your turn. the aussie bloke jumps off his horse runs over drops his trousers and sticks his head in the fence....

13th Feb 2006, 11:09
Aussie Jokes.....Mark Viduka?

Any chance you can have him back, all you antipodean chappies down there? We'll pay the shipping.


13th Feb 2006, 11:13
An Irishman, a Kiwi, and an Australian just been kicked out of a English pub after closing time. A bit worse for wear they're creating minor havoc walking down the road, tipping over garbage cans, singing, swearing etc and a bobby spots them, yells at them to stop, advances. They take off, run along the road, down a side alley,>dead end, just rubbish skips and junk. Trev spots some old sacks. "lets hide in those, guys." so they do. The copper turns up, walks around, spots the bundles, kicks the one with the kiwi in it. Trev barks and whines, in a fair imitation of a dog. Copper kicks the one with the Aussie in it. Bruce meows like a very pi$$ed off cat. Then kicks the one with the Irishman in it, and Paddy yells out


(sorry shortfuse, sometimes the Antipodes have to stick together)

Spuds McKenzie
13th Feb 2006, 11:44
A passenger plane traveling to California is suddenly hit with a severe engine problem and plummets into the Pacific Ocean.

The impact is such that the plane is ripped apart leaving only one man alive. After hours of swimming he spies an island and drags himself up onto the sandy shores.

Though he is half drowned and aware that he is thousands of miles from home, he cannot but admire the beauty of the island he has found himself on.

Looking down the beach he sees a figure lying on the beach, another survivor from the crash. He runs over and sees that she is not breathing, so quickly he gives her the kiss of life. After several attempts she coughs into life. As she wipes the hair from her face he now can see who it is...its Kylie Minogue!

Forever grateful to him for saving her life, they strike up an immediate bond, and over the following weeks, while stranded on the island, they fall madly in love. One day Kylie is walking down the beach and notices her new

found love sitting on the rocks by the beach, staring out to sea, with a look of sorrow on his face. She wanders over to him, and asks what is wrong. "Kylie," he says, "The last few weeks have been the greatest of my life. We've found this island paradise. We have all the food and water we could require, and I have you, but still I can't help feeling there's something missing."

Kylie replies: "What my darling? What is it that you need? I'll do anything".
"Well there is one thing. Would you mind putting on my shirt?"
"And my trousers?"

At this point he gets up and grabs some charcoal from the ground, and draws a neat moustache on her lips. "OK... Can you start to walk around the island, and I'll set off the other way and meet you half way."

"OK dear, whatever will make you happy?"

So off they set. After an hour walking he eventually sees her heading towards him along the beach, at which point he breaks into a sprint, runs up to her, grabs her by the shoulders and shouts:

"Hey mate, you won't believe who I'm shagging'!!

13th Feb 2006, 12:10
An Englishman is wandering in the outback for several weeks without sight of another human. He comes across an old shack and discovers a rather ancient old Aussie woman living there. Being somewhat desperate, he asks 'Do you f**k?' 'Not as a rule, but, for you, you smooth talking pommy', she replies.

13th Feb 2006, 12:55
Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties.

Terry had married a woman from America , and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and housework. He said that it took a couple of days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.

Jimmie had married a woman from Canada. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married an Australian girl. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye. Enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher, and call a landscape gardener :E .

13th Feb 2006, 21:51
I write the following observations through a haze this morning having found some Jamieson Whiskey last night. I now see all females are sheilas in Australia. I still don't know who I went out with last night and will probably never having been bashed and robbed. I don't remember it happening but I have a very bad headache and have no money. Australians only know the one Irish song and thats Danny Boy and sung badly.

Someone told me this Irish joke with the punchline that you can tell them from the Aussies on the offshore drilling rigs because they throw breadcrumbs to the helicopters. I tried to turn it around and the results went very badly for me.

I was told to lie dogggo whatever that means, but I think I'll just go back to bed.

I liked the one about the Aussies ears fallin off. I may try that one when the swelling goes down. Thanks people.

13th Feb 2006, 22:23
Englishman, Irishman and and Aussie comparing sexual techniques and their repsective abilities over a few beers.........
The Irishman goes first, "to be sure after I fek da missus shes left floating an inch off da bed"
The Englishamn retorts, "after I make love to my beloved she floats at least 6 INCHES off the bed"
The Aussie smiles knowingly, "geez after I nail my shelia, I wipe my cock on the curtains, and SHE HITS THE BLOODY ROOF!"

13th Feb 2006, 23:34
This is one funny Aussie catch his show if you can.

**warning contains rood Aussie sweering and pictures of sheilas getting their puppies out**

Edited: cos its too funny and yer might have a hernia.

13th Feb 2006, 23:54
A man goes to his doctor,

'Doc, I've been thinking about this for some time now and I've decided that I want to be Irish, is there anything you can do to help me?'

'Well, there is this experiemental procedure to make you Irish, basically what we do is remove half your brain. Go home have a think about it and come back next week if you still feel like going through with this.'

One week latter the chap is back in the doctors surgery,

'I've had a long think about it and I'm decided that I really want to be Irish. So I want to go through with the procedure.'

'Are you sure, the procedure is still in it's early stages and there are risks involved. Are you sure you want to go through with this?'

'Doc, I want this more than anything.'

'Ok, I'll book an OR and we'll do the procedure in a couple of days.'

The man goes in for the operation.
In recovery he starts to come around and sees the doctor standing by his bedside.

The doctor looks down and says 'I'm afraid I have some bad news. During the procedure we made a mistake and unfortunately we've removed all of your brain.'

The man replies 'No worries mate.' :O

14th Feb 2006, 04:02
If you follow rugby, pay attention while I explain the joke to you idiots.
If you don't follow rugby, go post in the Ghost 747 thread.

The Australian hakka:

I was sitting in a meeting in Brisbane last year with an Aussie biz partner and a NZ colleague. The Aussie insists on taking us for lunch. He picks out the restaurant.. selects the fine bottle of wine...suggests the specials... INSISTS I try the Pavlova for dessert despite my polite insistence that I don't do sweets during lunch.

Suddenly, when the bill is presented, Mr. Moneybags realizes that he's forgotten his wallet...making a big production about the situation, grabbing at his pants, patting himself in the chest, ass and front pocket., and after realizing it is all to no avail.... well, can Mr. Kiwi tag-along please pick up the check.

Mr. Kiwi as a gentleman, does so of course, with perfect quiet charm and politeness.. while whispering in my ear ... "YOWGirl... consider yourself lucky. You've just witnesssed the Australian hakka".

14th Feb 2006, 05:59
The Aussie insists on taking us for lunch. He picks out the restaurant.. selects the fine bottle of wine...suggests the specials... INSISTS I try the Pavlova for dessert despite my polite insistence that I don't do sweets during lunch.

The "Pavlova" originated in New Zealand.

15th Feb 2006, 05:27

Me mother would roll over in her grave but I found meself chopping wood for the Catholics to day. A Jap backpacker said Aussies were mad because they $hit inside and eat outside.

I found out about rugby which being entirely different to football, you know, round ball. rugby league, and Aussie rules what looks a lot like hurlin without the sticks and I learnt about the hakka from a big Kiwi who said he wasnt but I didnt argue because he had me by the throat. tonga he kept sayn.

I did get the joke aboiut the Aussie one, but am a bit shy on trying it on. Some of this mob dont have a sense of humor let alone a melody in their voice. I am gettin old, 30 schooners , which is the way I was told to spell it and Im just about had it. I;m to cautious to ask about a pavlova. A schooner is 15 onzs.

can tinpis tell me more what he is on about, its a bit lonely here and there is TV but a bit cratchety but I wood welcome some puppies jumping out of wher they come from.

And im sick of hearin the joke about how wide but short the runway but short is when they find out where you come from.

I was told to go to Bondi where they may like me, but I have to go bandecootin for potatos tonight after the barbecue at a place called hillston. Can't go during the day and late at night is best. God bless the potato.

If I live long enough I want to see the reef and I heard the one about the xxxx beer from a elder who only looked about 20year old. bloody crikey mate.

SF Flanagan. I was called Flash once and the habit is hard to break.

15th Feb 2006, 06:38
Whoever you really are, shortfuse, 'tis a cracking good commentary you're keeping up, whatever the motivation behind it, and more power to you, I say.

15th Feb 2006, 10:09
Bruce and Bluey are in the middle of nowhere, prospecting, and set up camp for the evening. Bruce sets up a fireplace to cook dinner, and Bluey ducks around behind some bushes for a slash. Half a minute later there's a yelp and Bluey screams "Bruce! help! I've been bitten by a bleedin' snake! Broooce!"
Bruce charges over and catches a look at the snake slithering away, and Blue holding his crotch, whimpering."Crikey, Blue! Where'd the bleeder get you?" Bluey moves his hands, looking scared, and points to the bite marks on the tip of his penis, which is starting to swell and discolour. "Stone the crows! Got ya right on the knob! Aw jeeze!"
"Bruce, get on the radio and get the flying doctor out here, mate. I'm not feeling too flash"
So Bruce races back to the camp, fires the radio up, tells the doctor his mate's been bitten by a snake.The doctor asks him to describe the snake, which he does. Then the doctor sez, "OK Bruce, listen carefully. We can't get there in time, I'm afraid, otherwise I wouldn't recommend this, but it's the only way to save your friend. You've got to open the bite up with a sharp knife or razor, and then suck all the poison out, and suck a bit more, until you're just spitting out blood. Then you've got to put iodine or condeese crystals on it, and bind it up tight. Keep him warm, and make sure he keeps breathing."
"Strewth, doc, is that the only way?"
"I'm afraid so. Now get onto it straight away. Minutes count, here."
So Bruce races back to where Bluey's lying on the ground, sweating, looking pale and anxious. Bluey says, "Did you get onto him? Is he coming? What'd he say,Bruce?"
" He said, Bluey, you're gonna die."

SF You might want to try Coopers beer. It's a pretty easy drink. I think it's organic, though, so you might get called some names. Not that it sounds like that's going to bother you.

15th Feb 2006, 12:46
Q. What do you call a sophisticated Aussie?

A. A Kiwi

Another one (although you have to do the australian accent for this)

An Australian travelling through the British Isles was quietly walking through the Welsh countryside. He sees a Welsh farmer with his trousers round his ankles struggling to hold on to a sheep.
The Aussie looks bemused at first and then yells across to the farmer "Hey mate, are you shearing that sheep"
The farmer shouts back "sod off boyo! get your own"

15th Feb 2006, 12:51
Short Fuse, Flash, whatever you want to call yourself, keep it up; great work! :ok:

Windy Militant
15th Feb 2006, 12:54
Ha DJK you obviously know nothing about Welsh sheep Farmers.
If he was a proper sheep Farmer he'd have had a deck chair. Everybody knows that if you lay sheep back in a deck chair it settles back and relaxes...................er, em ahem or so I'm told :O

And any way in Wales it's cneifio not shearing so it must have been the Aussie who was shearing!:ok:

15th Feb 2006, 13:22
Ha DJK you obviously know nothing about Welsh sheep Farmers.
If he was a proper sheep Farmer he'd have had a deck chair. Everybody knows that if you lay sheep back in a deck chair it settles back and relaxes...................er, em ahem or so I'm told :O
And any way in Wales it's cneifio not shearing so it must have been the Aussie who was shearing!:ok:

I was always under the impression that eating lamb in both Australia and Wales was virtually akin to canibalism and that you never eat lamb incase if might be a relative

Windy Militant
15th Feb 2006, 14:58
That's Why we sell them to that nice Mr Stavros who makes them into kebabs to sell to the English.

Ever wonder why Kebabs always taste Salty........ ;)

15th Feb 2006, 16:11
Perhaps it's the extra salt that gave the English the energy to whip your sorry little Welsh butts at Twickers.........boyo!:E

15th Feb 2006, 16:45
Perhaps it's the extra salt that gave the English the energy to whip your sorry little Welsh butts at Twickers.........boyo!:E

Makes no difference to me, I'm part Welsh and Aussie
oh heck, I'm just confused. :D

16th Feb 2006, 03:48
Well I found out what the best Aussie joke is and it's me meself, Flash flanagan. or SF Flanagan since the accident but whatever you get called Paddy anyway.

Its a pityfull state I'm in and the Aussies are sniggerin and carryin on like bloody schoolgirls. I didnt go to bandycootin last night because the Boss told me they were having me on. Bloody stealin potatos, bloody hell who'd a thought it.

The little dark Colleen and i are lookin pretty good so a big Swede backpacker says give it to er mate and gives me a viagra pill. They are supposed to be $20 Aus per pill so I takes it thinkin she will appreciate this more than the last disaster. The giant Kiwi who reckons he aint one, then wants to take me fishing down the willandra and then drags me off because he reckoned I was making a fool of meself sayin yor only supposec to take half the pill.

I don't know how to say this but I had a problem with my articulating device on the computer (in the catalogue but means a hinge), so I got some superglue and glued it up. Forgetting about it being in my pocket and with me manhood proud as proud could be and knowing not what to do the rubbing made the superglue leak out and I got glued up with me undies me jeans and me manhood and me groin. But I didnt know until I tried to get out of the ute. A ute is a Holden with 500 HP V8 that scares the beej, me.

I'm rolling around the ground in agony and they have snakes here like you wont believe and the Kiwi says to wake up to meself until he gets wind of whats going on so we go back where the Boss laughed at me and his wife taked charge sniggerin all the time. Googling around they got some nail polish remover and then things went horrible wrong. There were idiuots smoking and laughing. The pain was intense

After hosing the stuff off while bend over like a dog doing it to a tennis ball they said google recomended soap and hot water and this was just as bad. They cut me cloths off me by then and Im lookin a fool and all with the swelling and all.

The Missus said yer on yer own here paddy and left me rubbing meself with soap and hot water and the idiots are still sniggering and laughing. I think this is the most unchristian thing I have ever witnessed leaving me in that state burning and sore and swolen. I'll remember that woman for th rest of my life.

I come good this afternoon but have missed two days work and I dont know how I'll pay be board and lodging. The bloody Jap came in after it was all over and sid saki would fix it, well bloody great him tellin me now so to speak.

I can hardly walk and may starve to death but there is plenty of p!ss thats what they call beer to drink so I'm still curled up waitin to heal. I may have to leave this place because I think I am the aussie joke of the week. If your readin this and have any christian blood in you say a prayer for me. Anything will do.