View Full Version : The non-golfers' irelevant comments about golf thread

Onan the Clumsy
11th Feb 2006, 22:32
Personally I don't care for the game, though I have to admit that I have never tried it.

It's a little like motorcycles really, you know, one look at the people who do participate was enough to cause me to look elsewhere. I once figured my career prospects would be a lot better if I indulged and that alone was enough to disuade me.

A small minded thread to be sure, but it gives voice to the teeming masses of those who don't.

Conan the Librarian
11th Feb 2006, 22:51
Hole in one Onan...


11th Feb 2006, 22:57
Played it twice, won once, horribly p1$$ed on both occasions.

Ooh, they do get cross when you don't take their silly game seriously, don't they?:D :E :ok:

11th Feb 2006, 23:02
Tried it a couple of times, excellent harmless fun, like snakes and ladders or scrabble, with beer to follow.
Hard to take seriously, though.

11th Feb 2006, 23:20
Played once, when I was 7. Thought I'd escaped for life, then spent almost a year in an office where the day revolved around a minimum of 6 conversations about it, various e-mails and outings.

Would have liked to have told some of those office guys to tee off.

They all claimed to have a handicap too. Well personally I think it's abismal to fake an affliction just because you play poorly. :\

11th Feb 2006, 23:53
Does seem a shame to waste a nice walk in the countryside, lugging a bag of bats around, doesn't it?

To my shame I'll admit to preferring the version where you have to knock the balls around windmills, giant's legs and other obstacles.

12th Feb 2006, 02:19
I have to admit I prefer the version which has 16 balls on a flat green table, and it's nice and handy to the bar and the dunnies, and the rugby's on a big screen in the corner, and the fire's going and the kitchen is still open. :ok:

12th Feb 2006, 03:25
Was a member of a golf club for 10 years when in my teens and early twenties. Never really could get into it seriously, and found that the only hole I really enjoyed was the 19th.

As for watching golf on TV - paint drying comes to mind.

And do they really need to have "action" replays?

Solid Rust Twotter
12th Feb 2006, 04:26
Brother in law plays the game and has no other topic of conversation.

Tedious creature....:hmm:

12th Feb 2006, 04:29
Anyway, all they need is a driver, a mashie, a niblick, and a putter.

12th Feb 2006, 04:40
Driver, Mashie, Niblick, and Putter. Weren't they the original Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles?

Marvin the Robot
12th Feb 2006, 05:05
I'll watch the final round of the British Open and quite enjoy it, purely for the competition aspect of a huge event. Same goes for the Soccer World Cup Final, Wimbledon Final, World Snooker Final etc.

Nothing to do with liking any of the sports. I just like the tension of a fight for a really huge award.

What always amuses me about amateur golfers is how useless they all look when they're taking a swing. Like a spastic version of a professional, all stiff, jerky and uncoordinated. Yet they take themselves sooooooo seriously. :}

Solid Rust Twotter
12th Feb 2006, 06:30

You left out the bit in the thread title about golfers not posting and wasting your time.....:E :ok:

Naaahhhh, cheap shot...

Let 'em post.:ok:

12th Feb 2006, 08:28
Golf just spoils a nice walk, you have to keep hitting this ball.......

Never seen the point in it myself. Is it true that "golf" stands for "Gentlemen only ladies forbidden"?

terrain safe
12th Feb 2006, 08:36
Friend always calls it whack f**k......:D :D

12th Feb 2006, 10:04
TerrainSafe's post reminds me of the Japanese gentleman who came to England and spent a month in and around English pubs studying human behaviour. When back in Japan he described this game the English played, throwing feathered and pointed objects into a round coloured board on the wall, the game, he said, was called, "Ah Shit"!

12th Feb 2006, 10:40
Japanese man went to the States to learn 'the game' on behalf of an entrepreneur who wanted to establish a course in Japan. When he returned to Japan he described the rules to the entrepreneur:-
Place little white ball on ground a hit with stick onto green plateau. Take other stick and hit white ball until it close to but not fall in hole in green plateau. Now you say "Fcukit!" and I say "Hard luck Joe . . . ".

Solid Rust Twotter
12th Feb 2006, 11:09
Wrex Tarr has a great story about a game using a little white ball called Dammit!:}

12th Feb 2006, 11:18
Wrex Tarr's Fanagalo story about the white witchdoctors rain making system. He tells how they put some sticks in the ground and one man stands there while another throws stones at him. Then the mukulu inganga throws up his arms and shouts, "Howzat"? and the rain pours down non-stop for 3 days.

12th Feb 2006, 11:52
Golf just spoils a nice walk, you have to keep hitting this ball.......

I agree, I also find that a small child much easier and more fun.

12th Feb 2006, 12:19
What? to hit?? Errrrrrrrrrrrrrr??:E

Onan the Clumsy
12th Feb 2006, 12:52
Oh look, how ironic...

The original (no irelevant comment) thread ..............19 replies

The parody (irelevant comments welcome) thread .....21 replies


12th Feb 2006, 13:00
Happy with yourself now Onan??;)

Solid Rust Twotter
12th Feb 2006, 13:16
So what are you saying?

That we're all irrelevant?:( :ok:

surely not
12th Feb 2006, 14:33
It's the fact that they play in the pouring rain, when it is barely light, and flourescant balls have even been used for when it has snowed. These conditions are what the bar is for for fecks sake!!

In convo with an airline Station Manager at LHRa few yearsback and she told me thatin thesummer months she and her husband would get up at 0400 so that they could be on the tee by 0500 each morning as it was impossible to get on the course in the evenings!!!! Obsessive behaviour or what!!

I am a self confessed cricket nut but I do not knowingly go on about my bowling or batting endlessly after a game, or walk around the office making practice shots. Don't golfers realise what absolute t~~ssers they look when making practice swings around the office??

Great thread Onan.

12th Feb 2006, 14:42
And they loose their balls.

12th Feb 2006, 14:44
and some even get so loose, they lose them! (sorry!)

12th Feb 2006, 15:12
:\ :\ :\ :\ :\ :\ :\ :\ :\ :\ :\ :\ :\ :\ :\

I really quite enjoy playing at least once a week.

12th Feb 2006, 15:21
My Uncle gets up at 0600 every saturday morning in order to be at the club for first tee!

Now to me first tee is the first brew of the day and should be consumed at home at a decent hour of the day! Even the baby doesn't get up that early!

And what's this bolleux about "no ladies in the clubhouse"? As I said, bolleux.

12th Feb 2006, 18:20
I know there's a sign in the clubhouse toilets "Please don't wipe your balls on the towels."
Funny lot . . .

12th Feb 2006, 20:05
What clubhouse is that then G-CPTN? eh, eh??:}

12th Feb 2006, 20:21
Don't knock it guys - it was invented by the Scottish Tourist Board (should that be "Bored"?) to relieve gullible septics of the content of their wallets. Worked like a charm. Even more succesful than that other famous invention: the Loch Ness Monster.
You have to give credit to good marketing guys. I mean the weather in Scotland is sh*te at the best of times, yet they flock there for an outdoor pursuit!


Solid Rust Twotter
12th Feb 2006, 20:28
There's a golfer posted on here...:ooh:

Quick! Sacrifice something...:E :ok:

12th Feb 2006, 22:06
I'm NOT a golfer, nor have I any aspirations towards 'Gofe', but nowadays many Clubhouses are open the the general public (to subsidise their catering facilities). When out walking across the dunes, these facilities provide an oasis of convenience (usually free).
One can even avail oneself of the changing facilities. :ok:
Just don't wipe your balls on the towels. They seem to get upset at that.

12th Feb 2006, 22:15
And they loose their balls.

I for one have never lost a ball.

They are still where I left them, in the woods, on the bottoms of ponds, rivers, streams, a couple of oceans and a sea or two, people's back yards, on roofs of clubhouses, in a car (now that ball may have ended up stolen, the guys drove off to fix his back window and didn't give me my ball back, jerk.:} ) and other adjacent areas near golf courses.:E

13th Feb 2006, 10:42
AND, why do they have to wear such stupid Rupert the bear trousers? Any sport that you can play wearing a shirt, pringle sweater and slacks is just not a sport.

13th Feb 2006, 11:41
Maybe we can get two jags Prescott to build houses on them..already got a bar and shop..turf out the overpriced golf trash and make it into a SPAR..(7/11 to our colonial friends):ok: :ok:
Plenty of sand traps for the kids to make castles in as well.

13th Feb 2006, 11:43
Maybe we can get two jags Prescott to build houses on them..already got a bar and shop..turf out the overpriced golf trash and make it into a SPAR..(7/11 to our colonial friends):ok: :ok:
Plenty of sand traps for the kids to make castles in as well.
Mmm yes perleees, maybe there is a course near North Weald which could serve.

13th Feb 2006, 12:03
Folks would pay millions for a house ON a golf course too.
Well SOME folks would.

Onan the Clumsy
13th Feb 2006, 12:05
39 to 26, even after a late start, ahead by 50%

Maybe I should handicap this thread :E

tony draper
13th Feb 2006, 12:14
One once dismantled a golf ball in ones sproghood,(one was a lad cursed with curiosity) one finished up with ten mile long lacky band and a little rubber sack full of a strange white liquid gunk that of course went all over the floor causing one a belt around the ear.
hmmm how else are we to learn about the universe?

13th Feb 2006, 12:21
Good job you didn't EAT the contents of the rubber sack. Poisonous. Suicide pills is golf balls. Slow acting if swallowed whole, or unwrap . . .

(Done the same myself with a golf-ball as a young 'un. MILES and MILES of elastic rubber. Couldn't find a use for it though, except to wind it into a ball . . .
Great bouncer!)

13th Feb 2006, 12:34
They should make golf balls bio-degradeable.

Preferably 10 seconds after hitting them.:ok:

And what are those tee thingys about.You normally play in at least two's so why not get the other guy/girl(?well mostly lesbians) to lie down and balance the ball on their head,saves on all that plastic being used.:ok:

Solid Rust Twotter
13th Feb 2006, 13:01
Afrikaans nickname is "moer en soek".

In English that would read "smack and search".


13th Feb 2006, 13:05
Wrong thread I know, but ball-kicking games when I was a kid were called 'kick and rush'. Never had the resources for organised 'goals' (or teams - it was every kid for themself).

13th Feb 2006, 13:18
It's not the club you play with, it's the club you play at... :confused:

14th Feb 2006, 10:47
What's going on?

Tuba Mirum
14th Feb 2006, 16:44
My cat likes watching golf. When I thought about it, I could see why... bat something, it moves a bit, then stops... chase it along, bat it again.... just like playing with a mouse, really :hmm:

14th Feb 2006, 17:08
Onan your thread is still quite a lot of shots ahead!! :rolleyes:

Shaggy Sheep Driver
14th Feb 2006, 21:10
Spot on with the Golfers, Onan, but you must have met the wrong sort of biker to lump them in with golf bores. Most of my more civilised and pleasant flying mates are bikers. Fellow flyers who are tossers and who I avoid are usually golfers.

Golfers and bikers? Oil and water, old matey. :ok:


15th Feb 2006, 03:42
Friend of mine showed me what looked like an ordinary golf ball.
"Go on, whistle at it" he said.
So I whistled.
The ball jumped three feet into the air, where it hovered, emitting a piercing shriek and flashing like an aircraft anticollision beacon, before settling gently back into precisely its original position.
"Fantastic! WTF is it?" I asked.
"It's an unloseable golf ball" he said.
"Where'd you get it?"
"I found it in the rough..."

Apologies to Tommy Cooper...

15th Feb 2006, 09:14
Last time on a golf course, my brother got fed up after 6 attempts to drive the ball straight, put it on a tee and SMACKED it - straight toward the road and a police car. My father talked down the cop as he rubbed his arm from the impact... dented the car door, too.

Difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?

One goes WHACK - DAMN, the other goes DAMN - WHACK.

Cheers, y'all.

Windy Militant
15th Feb 2006, 15:23
Originally Posted by lasernigel
Maybe we can get two jags Prescott to build houses on them..already got a bar and shop..turf out the overpriced golf trash and make it into a SPAR..(7/11 to our colonial friends)
Plenty of sand traps for the kids to make castles in as well.

No no no no! Where else are you going to find several hundred yards of nicely mowed grass with a little wind sock at the end of it when the donkey dies and it all goes quiet.

If they keep on putting up Bicester boxes up at the current rate they'll be the only place left to go!

I know at least one Instructor out West who nearly had to start paying green fees he ended up on the fairways so often!:ok:

15th Feb 2006, 16:41
Quick! Sacrifice something Now, Rusty, you KNOW all the virgins are spoken for!

I've never been tempted to join in a sport which seems to promote bad manners. Same as single-sex clubs, the behaviour which some - sorry, in this case it is just men, as far as I'm aware! - think they should be allowed to get away with simply because a previous small-minded plonker chose to write it down in a rule book is quite simply appalling. To play golf in this country it seems to help a lot if you have an inability to think for yourself and respect your fellow human beings.

/rant mode off.


I hate to point out, btw, but I believe it's regarded as preferable to have a lower score than your opponent in the game ....

15th Feb 2006, 17:35
I hate to point out, btw, but I believe it's regarded as preferable to have a lower score than your opponent in the game .... NOW you tell me!

tall and tasty
16th Feb 2006, 00:06
Does seem a shame to waste a nice walk in the countryside, lugging a bag of bats around, doesn't it?
the cry that came out of my mouth as a 16 yr old and booked into have lessons at the local club at some horrible expense. My father played for at country level when he was young with a display case of trophies to go with the ski , shooting and others to mention a few and he though it was time I learnt. I can do mini golf with no problems but put me on a green with a long straight pole and try and take a swing and hit a tiny white ball a full lenght of the green to get it into a hole I could not manage without sending sods flying further than the ball iself. My coach used to stand behing me, hold my hands frimly and try as he might to get my swing to follow through with it being in the wrist action I could not manage to do it without falling into fits of giggles. He told me to meet him on the tennis court later that day and have caoching lessons.

Which strangly I learn and took to much quicker, hitting a white large ball with a big rachet then a small white one with a straight pole!

I do so wish I could say I got a hole in one or a birdie! But it will never pass my lips from my own actions


Solid Rust Twotter
16th Feb 2006, 05:14
Wouldn't it be better to use a shotgun or a lime trap if you wanted a birdie?:confused:

...Or a lawyer......:E

16th Feb 2006, 08:51
Oh you lot of Phillistines. How can you not want to experience the orgasmic experience of taking a club from your 2000 dollar set of bats and then going through a practice session that would leave Jane Fonda in awe and then hitting your ball a whole 3 feet in front of a crowd of people standing behind you all pretending to study their feet.

How can you not want to enjoy the warm feeling of hitting a ball onto the only rock sticking up in the middle of a river and bouncing right back onto the fairway exactly where you wanted to hit it in the first place.

How can your ears not warm to the dulcet tones of your partner proclaiming to the world at top of his voice after you've bounced your ball off a half inch thick twig to within 12 inches of the hole


And what other sport can you think of that provides you with a device for you to rest your balls on.

Keep your soccer and your tennis. At lease golfers are dishonest in a gentlemanly way. Last time I went into a tennis shop and asked to buy a racket the owner offered to sell me a half share in the business.

Girl friend of mine once asked me "how do you play this game ?"

Told her, "keep your knees bent and your feet wide apart - keep your head down and take a firm grip on the shaft"

No sensayuma some people.

H :)

16th Feb 2006, 09:40
Did you know that in Japan golfers insure against getting a hole in one. They do this because they have to purchase expensive gifts for those they are playing with, any onlookers and the family.:eek: The average cost of a hole in one is US$15,000!

Now what kind of mental "sport" is that?

16th Feb 2006, 11:00
And what other sport can you think of that provides you with a device for you to rest your balls on.

I take it you're a virgin then?????

16th Feb 2006, 12:16
I won't hear a word spoken against golf. It's the cure for all manner of ailments from the colds and flu to cholera, rabies and box jelly fish stings.
Work with any golfers and notice every so often they will phone in sick, yet the following day they will be back at work cured! Somehow they managed to drag themselves from their deathbed for one last round before the last rights and by some miracle recovered. Back in work thay can't wait to share the good news with everyone.
The uncharitable amongst you will call it skiving, but I know where I want my amblance to take me.