PDA

View Full Version : The Friday 10th February 2006 Joke


Astrodome
9th Feb 2006, 21:37
With religion being the prominent thing this week in the news......................

There was a man called him Jim, who lived near a river.

Jim was a very religious man.

One day, the river rose over the banks and flooded the town, and Jim was forced to climb onto his porch roof.

While sitting there, a man in a boat comes along and tells Jim to get in the boat with him.

Jim says "No, that's ok. God will take care of me."

So, the man in the boat drives off.

The water rises, so Jim climbs onto his roof.

At that time, another boat comes along and the person in that one tells Jim to get in.

Jim replies, "No, that's ok. God will take care of me."

The person in the boat then leaves.

The water rises even more, and Jim climbs on his chimney.

Then a helicopter comes and lowers a ladder. The woman in the helicopter tells Jim to climb up the ladder and get in.

Jim tells her "That's ok."

The woman says "Are you sure?"

Jim says, "Yeah, I'm sure God will take care of me.

Finally, the water rises too high and Jim drowns.

Jim gets up to Heaven and is face-to-face with God.

Jim says to God "You told me you would take care of me! What happened?"

God replied "Well, I sent you two boats and a helicopter. What the hell else did you want me to do?"

WhiskeyDelta
9th Feb 2006, 22:04
Not funny.

[edited to clarify that this comment does not refer to Astrodomes' joke, but to a post that has, thankfully, been deleted]

Richo77
9th Feb 2006, 22:16
Bloody un-funny.

nosefirsteverytime
9th Feb 2006, 22:30
Disgusting.

I'm reporting that.

PA-28-180
10th Feb 2006, 07:53
I see that it's been deleted. THANK YOU moderators and nosefirst! It was a truly disgusting post!:mad:
'Poor taste' is one thing, but this really crossed the line!
I really look forward to the 'friday joke' every week...it really lightens the day and ends the week on a good note. I would hate to see it go away due to [email protected] postings like this one!

Curious Pax
10th Feb 2006, 08:09
Aaahh - PA28's post sheds some light. I though the reaction to Astro's joke was a little over the top, even if I had heard it before!

Parapunter
10th Feb 2006, 08:44
Spanish Phrases For Wenger

With Arsene Wenger contemplating a move to Spain to become Real Madrid boss, we thought we'd help him get used to the new lingo he'll have to use while he's over there:

I did not see the incident - No si el blatente elbowdo

It looked like a penalty - Esta olympico diving campionos

Can we buy Pascal Cygan? - El wante crapos defendios?

What, not even Ray Parlour? - Qué, no girlé hairos?

How about Sol Campbell? - Homo el wante updias?

There are no easy games - Qué Sunderland?

We'll go unbeaten - Muchos cockious

It's still in our hands - Muchos shitipants

It's not in our hands – Martin Keown

We are still the best - Speakos mi arsos

Jonty
10th Feb 2006, 09:25
I must have missed somthing, I take it that all the whohar is not about Astros post?
I thought it was quite funny.:confused:

frostbite
10th Feb 2006, 12:28
I'm sorry this won't be nicely laid out in the way I've typed it, but I still don't have edit or even line feed facilities working for me:- Jack wakes up at home with a huge hangover he can't believe. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirin next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Jack looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror, and notices a note on the table: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping--Love you!" He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks "Son...what happened last night?" "Well, you came home after 3 am, drunk and out of your mind. You broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door." "So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?" His son replies,"Oh THAT! Mum dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your trousers off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, you tart, I'm married! Broken furniture £85.26 Hot Breakfast £4.20 Red Rose bud £3.00 Two Aspirins £0.38 Saying the right thing, at the right time.........Priceless

frostbite
10th Feb 2006, 12:30
What not to call your daughter! (right, about halfway down) http://www.electraisd.net/alumni/display_class.aspx?y=1993

colmac747
10th Feb 2006, 12:33
http://www.electraisd.net/alumni/images/class_of_1993/Minge_Ginger.jpg

:E

:ok:

Ripline
10th Feb 2006, 12:44
Religion, eh?

FEMALE PRAYER

Before I lay me down to sleep
I pray for a man, who's not a creep
One who's handsome, smart and strong
One who loves to listen long
One who thinks before he speaks
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.

I pray he's gainfully employed
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door
Massages my back and begs to do more

Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind
Knows what to answer to "How big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.

Amen.

MALE PRAYER

I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with big tits
who owns a liquor store and a trout boat.
This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit

Amen.

Ripline

N380UA
10th Feb 2006, 12:56
What's a pessimist?






An optimist with experience!

Thanks y'all! I'll be here all week and don’t forget to tip your waitress.

Romeo Delta
10th Feb 2006, 13:41
What not to call your daughter! (right, about halfway down) http://www.electraisd.net/alumni/display_class.aspx?y=1993

Most Americans don't really even know what that is. Hope she doesn't vacation in any of the "Queen's English" speaking colonies. She'd wonder what the sniggers were all about.

------

Oldie but goodie (with thanks or apologies to Mike King):

Souf Auckland bro' goes to Aussie on vacation, and while there the city switches to new rolling garbage bins. When he gets home, he's missed garbage collection day.

He happens to be outside when the garbage truck comes by. Garbage man sees there's no garbage out, and calls to him, "Oi! Where's yer bin?"

Souf Auckland bro' thinks a minute, and then replies, "Aw, I's been in Orstralia, mate!"

"Nah, mate! Where's yer WHEELIE bin?" replies the garbage man.

Souf Auckland bro' thinks again, and says, "Nah, I's really been in Orstralia, mate!"
------

Well, *I* thought it was funny... :ok:

(edited 'cos I can't spel)

Binoculars
10th Feb 2006, 14:07
Sounds better with "where's you bin?" "I's bin in jail!" "No no, where's you wheelie bin?" "I's WHEELIE bin in jail!" Sorry. :uhoh:

This one must also be getting close to the stage of beng at least mid-life, but I still like it:

Middle-aged lady is shopping in a supermarket when she notices a handsome muscular boy doing the bagging at one of the checkouts. Making sure she goes though his line she leans over and asks if he'll carry her groceries out to which he responds, “Sure lady”.

They no sooner get out of the store and she again leans over and whispers, “You know, I've got an itchy pussy”, to which he responds, “You'll have to point it out to me lady, all those Japanese cars look the same to me.”

Ripline
10th Feb 2006, 14:12
The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again asked readers to
take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or
changing of one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are this
year's {2005} winners:

1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the
subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until
you realize it was your money to start with.

4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops
bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows
little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of
getting laid.

7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person
who doesn't get it.

9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

10. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

11. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

12. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these
really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's
like, a serious bummer.

13. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day
consuming only things that are good for you.

14. Glibido: All talk and no action.

15. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when
they come at you rapidly.

16. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after
you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

17. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your
bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

18. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in
the fruit you're eating.

Ripline

Romeo Delta
10th Feb 2006, 14:14
Binos, yer right, but I just wrote it the same as he told it in his performance. Maybe he was told to lighten it up a bit. :hmm: :ok:

airborne_artist
10th Feb 2006, 14:36
What not to call your daughter! (right, about halfway down) http://www.electraisd.net/alumni/dis...ss.aspx?y=1993
She (Ginger Minge) married this guy (http://www.ntxe-news.com/artman/publish/article_31369.shtml), but sadly was widowed young.

You couldn't make it up

frostbite
10th Feb 2006, 14:54
aa. It just gets worse, doesn't it!

wbryce
10th Feb 2006, 15:09
What do you call a fly with no wings?









.
A walk! :E

five iron
10th Feb 2006, 16:30
A blonde girl calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here
> > and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out
> > how to get it started".
> >
> > Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
> >
> > The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a
tiger".
> >
> > Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets
>him
> > in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
> >
> > He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then
> > turns
>to
> > her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going
> > to
>be
> > able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger".
> >
> > He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's
> > have
>a
> > nice cup of tea, and then...."
> >
> > he sighed,
> >
> > "Let's put all these Frosties back in the box."

flynverted
10th Feb 2006, 16:48
Disorder in the Court...

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while
these exchanges were actually taking place.


ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
________________________________

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.


ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.


ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?


ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.


ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh....
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law

:E :ok:

con-pilot
10th Feb 2006, 16:50
Old one, but still a great one!:ok:

flynverted
10th Feb 2006, 16:54
Old one, but still a great one!:ok:

Yea, mate. :ok:

Romeo Delta
10th Feb 2006, 17:00
She (Ginger Minge) married this guy (http://www.ntxe-news.com/artman/publish/article_31369.shtml), but sadly was widowed young.

Sad story, yes, but THAT'S a name Americans will titter at. She may go back to her maiden name so only half the world will giggle at it.

May she find a nice man to ease her sorrow, someone like Michael Breadman or William Biscuit (actual people I've met). Hopefully she never meets Mr. Mitchell (Mitch) Snapper.

planepsycho
10th Feb 2006, 19:54
Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out...."Pa!
You need to go out and fix the outhouse!" Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse." Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it."

So......Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back,
"Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse!" Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!" Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!" Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix."

So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back,"Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!" Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"

Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling,
"Ma! Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"
To which Ma replies, "Hurt's, don't it ?!"

walesjr
10th Feb 2006, 22:27
If you read the article about Ginger's husband then you would see that her sister-in-law is calledTANIA BOX

flynverted
11th Feb 2006, 11:09
As we age, our priorities change.


The other day I came home and was greeted by my wife, dressed only in superb underwear and holding a couple of short velvet ropes.

"Tie me up," she purred, "And you can do anything you want!"

So, I tied her up and went fishing.



:ok:

Bob Stinger
11th Feb 2006, 12:34
Well i see it was deleted , cant see why really it wasnt worse than some others i have read on here , suit yourselves.

MisNomer
11th Feb 2006, 19:42
It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started. During a visit to the mental hospital, a visitor asked the director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.

"No." said the director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want
a bed near the window?"

frostbite
11th Feb 2006, 21:37
Old George staggered in to his farm cottage late one stormy night, covered from head to toe with cowsh1t. 'Whatever happened to you?' exclaimed his wife. 'Well, when I came out of the pub, the weather was so rough I thought I would take a short cut across the fields', he explained. 'I was halfway home in the pitch black when the wind blew my beret off, and I tried on three others before I found it'.

frostbite
11th Feb 2006, 21:45
A newly ordained priest is just about to give his first sermon and confesses his nervousness to the bishop. 'Well, do what I did when I was first ordained', says the bishop. 'Empty your carafe of water and put vodka in instead - no-one will notice, and it will give you confidence'. The priest thanked him and went off to give his sermon. Afterwards, he asked the bishop how he had got on. 'You did very well my son', replied the bishop, 'except that David killed Goliath with a small pebble - not a f**king great rock'.

Oluf
12th Feb 2006, 14:26
FROSTBITE

I think the above version is shortened down, in my recolection the bishop had quite a list. With the risk of starting worldwide protests, here it goes.......
There are 10 Commandments not "some"!
There were 12 apostles not a Possy!
We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the Late JC!
We don't refer to the holy trinity as Daddy, junior and the Spook!
Josef fell of his donkey, he was not stoned of his A$$!
We do not refer to the Cross as the Big T!
A Good way to say grace is Not Rub-a-dub-dub thanks for the grub yeah God!
Jesus Broke the bread and said this is my body, he did not say eat me!
And last but not least, we do Not refer to The Virgin Mary as Mary with the Cherry!

Sorry

O:}

Kalium Chloride
12th Feb 2006, 14:54
If you think Ginger was unfortunate, how about the fourth row down on the right in this yearbook: http://www.wakeeney.com/classes/ybpics.php3?gradyear=1962

G-CPTN
12th Feb 2006, 14:57
Buddy Holly lookalikes, many of them (even some of the females).

Solid Rust Twotter
12th Feb 2006, 14:59
There should be a law against the bloke next to him's hair....:E

Send Clowns
12th Feb 2006, 15:20
I bet the bloke called Carroll Mong isn't too chuffed either!

con-pilot
12th Feb 2006, 16:54
I don't know S C, Twila Fabian on the bottom line gets my vote.:p



(Name wise.)

allan907
13th Feb 2006, 14:11
So what about Earlene Hendrickson? Reckon she must have been at least 53 when she graduated:E Probably dead now from terminal ugliness.

G-CPTN
13th Feb 2006, 14:53
Was it only AMERICANS that looked like that? Or did Europeans and specifically the British look gorky in them thar days? I suppose 'we' never took photos of ourselves to record our looks.
Class of 65 anybody?

henry crun
13th Feb 2006, 17:58
G-CPTN: To be strictly correct "gorky" is a park in Moscow or the name of a Russian dramatist.

The word you were looking for is gawky. :)

G-CPTN
13th Feb 2006, 18:17
G-CPTN: To be strictly correct "gorky" is a park in Moscow or the name of a Russian dramatist.
The word you were looking for is gawky. :)


I mused on what became of the Class of 62, and some look like they would make Spies (and end-up in Gorky Square). Some HAD to become Marines. Others probably housewives baking Apple Pie.