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flynverted
3rd Feb 2006, 17:50
New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people after 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.

New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout? Luckily, it was only a finger! If it was a whole hand, Congress would have voted to keep it alive.

New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards.

New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're gay. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

New Rule: Stop fecking with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a “decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet,” ooh, you're a huge a$$hole.

New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing “Enter,” verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing “Enter” again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy. Paper, plastic?! I don't have time for that. I've just been called to do a cleanup on Aisle Nine!

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your a$$. And it translates to “beef with broccoli.” The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called “The Howard Stern Show.”

New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place, the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking up the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

New Rule, and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your webcam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.

New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. “27 Months.” “He's two,” will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't care in the first place.


:suspect: :ok:

Exhaust Manifold
3rd Feb 2006, 18:38
hear hear :ok:

stue
3rd Feb 2006, 18:46
Nice, very nice!:ok:

flynverted
3rd Feb 2006, 19:00
hear hear :ok:

Thanks :cool:

Nice, very nice!:ok:

Thanks :cool:

Can't take credit, though, recieved in an e-mail, author unknown. :ok:

Exhaust Manifold
3rd Feb 2006, 19:07
New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards.


:suspect: :ok:




I am permanently damaged coz that didn't happen to me! Had a nice brunette teacher though :ok:

flynverted
3rd Feb 2006, 19:15
Had a nice brunette teacher though :ok:
Good onya, mate. :ok:
Still have fantasies about my 3rd grade teacher, Ms Grostefon. :zzz:
Reckon she'd be in her 70's now, though. :{ :{ :{

sprocket
3rd Feb 2006, 19:16
Dont tell me your baby is 7 months, to me he is 0.58333333333333333333
333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333 33
3333333333333333333333333333333333333 .............. :8

flynverted
3rd Feb 2006, 19:22
I am permanently damaged coz that didn't happen to me! :ok:


Me too. :{:{:{

stue
3rd Feb 2006, 19:32
Me three!:{ :{ :{

419
3rd Feb 2006, 20:12
I am permanently damaged coz that didn't happen to me! Had a nice brunette teacher though

What was his name?:uhoh:

Exhaust Manifold
3rd Feb 2006, 21:02
ha ha sharp one 419 very sharp! :} Fortunately it was a she, my math teacher in std 6, had slight trouble concentrating on my work ;)

BlueWolf
3rd Feb 2006, 21:57
Hmm, we had one of those in the 7th form, English redhead she was, gorgeous, and only about six years older than the (at least) half the room who were fantasising about her. Oh for the chance to have been permanently damaged....:{ :{

flyblue
3rd Feb 2006, 22:14
That's from Bill Maher's New Rules. Great book :ok:


http://images.amazon.com/images/P/1594862958.01._BO2,204,203,200_PIsitb-dp-500-arrow,TopRight,45,-64_AA240_SH20_SCLZZZZZZZ_.jpg

Binoculars
3rd Feb 2006, 23:29
Add me to the list of those who wish they'd been permanently damaged like that. Has anybody asked the "victims" about this? Have you ever heard any of the boys complaining? What are we doing locking these women up, has the world gone utterly crazy? We should be declaring them national treasures or listing them on the stock exchange. :ok:

Paracab
4th Feb 2006, 00:29
Ha ha, I was one of those 'victims' ! Amazing where a bit of cheeky back chat can get you, did bloody well in the subject and punched well above my weight in the grade. All in all, it was a great two years.

I think I'm Ok now. :ok:

Told the story to a group of mates recently for the first time and they started banging on about how it was some rape offence... Like I had to be forced ! Anyway, no problem, complete lack of evidence, your honour.

BlueWolf
4th Feb 2006, 00:35
Ooo, you lucky, lucky, lucky :mad:

Good onya, mate.:ok: :ok:

Davaar
4th Feb 2006, 01:13
Agreed, but:

1. Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout? Luckily, it was only a finger! If it was a whole hand, Congress would have voted to keep it alive.

Comment: There was no finger. The lying lady who claimed there was is now in jail for a long long time. On the other hand, in Pillars v R J Reynolds, 1918, 117 Miss 490, the court remarked: “It is not normal to find a human toe in chewing tobacco, and if a human toe is found in chewing tobacco, it seems someone has been careless”.

Be cautious with the chaw.

2 New Rule, and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your webcam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.

Comment. Stay in Oz. Last time I was in France (1961, and may it be as long again before the next trip) the “bathroom attendant” was an elderly woman. For her selfless work in watching me micturate she demanded payment which, trust me, I paid. No doubt the French have a reason for employing old women to watch men pee, but it escapes me.

flyblue
4th Feb 2006, 06:31
Davaar,
it must have been real shocking experience for you since I've been reading about your 1961 France trip regularly on PPRuNE. I've travelled in some really weird places in Africa, India and the Far East, and I know what you mean. Real hell, nothing compares to Versailles or Place de la Concorde in terms of horror. My goodness, Paris is listed as one of the most dangerous places in the planet. We cannot go out without a machete . There are Crocodiles on the Canal in Strasbourg and an American diplomat has disappeared in Nice only to be found clubbed to death with a garlic salami (and possibly a baguette and tortured with a ripe Camembert, but that was not confirmed by the inquiry). People need an armed escort as soon as they walk out the airport terminal (if they get to land alive, that is).

Davaar, you are right. Once an opinion formed, be consistent and follow your instinct: stay home and be safe. And as you rightly imagine, the country has not changed at all since 1961. Well, I suppose, I was not born yet in 1961 but so some of the village elders tell me (the happy fews who survived the harsh French way of life, of course) .

I could, as a way to make you forgive this country of brutes and the shocking effect it had on you, send you the only merchandise that you could be interested in from this God-forgotten country:


http://www.shopoon.fr/img/products/200x200/DX_0062297774068CA$.jpg a nice cosy pair of Charentaises.

PS
Send me your size via PM

Solid Rust Twotter
4th Feb 2006, 08:07
Aaahhh, comfy slippers.

Can't go wrong with these....:ok:

http://gordonfootwear.co.za/daBZ2UcdGQv2/ekol11czpDcvPErnaJKzNbJ/Y5B0Fbkt9nqDJi9lKgFzvTkTIDTBCbAipxNcQYT11rl=

ExSimGuy
4th Feb 2006, 09:43
did bloody well in the subject and punched well above my weight in the grade. All in all, it was a great two years.
TWO years? - Perhaps if you hadn't been "damaged" (probably distracted might have been a better word, dreaming of what she wasn't wearing the previous night) you'd have made the next grade in one year, like the rest of the class did :)

All RIGHT! So I'm really just jealous! ;)

Davaar
4th Feb 2006, 09:44
Flyblue, I stand reproved.

I suppose I must be irksome at times, perhaps all the time, but I saw in flynverted a person resistant to interference in the cabinet de toilet and I just wanted to help. Why are old women employed in France to watch me in the cabinet de? They toil not neither do they spin.

There was the earlier trip in 1954, that I have not even mentioned yet. I was but an undergraduate then and I remember the camping site at tiny Herrenalb in the Black Forest, clean, orderly, etc. Then I went to the analogues in Dijon and in the Bois de Boulogne, easily found by the smell.
If I occasionally remark on something less than perfect in France, you will recall that few incur criticism here for any cavil they may direct at President George W Bush.

I would not overemphasise the need for a machete in Paris, but only there have I been been cheated in the hotel, at least blatantly. I had met up with some American FAs (one a survivor ot the Eastern Airlines crash into Boston harbour in 1960) at the terminal, and we all went to the same hotel, I having a stumbling knowledge of French.

Next day as I paid my bill, recognising that I was being robbed, but Oh well, I’ll soon be out of this, I overheard one of these ladies say: “Ah jes’ doan ca-ah what yew say, Ah ain’ gonna pay”, as they tried the same dodge on her.

When I lived in ................... I was asked to entertain M. le Marquis de .......................... (a name famed in French history) on his coming three-day visit. I arranged my schedule to suit, met him at the airport, the usual sort of thing, dinner with friends at a good restaurant. Imagine my pleasure when he left to find that he had used my card to tell the exclusive club where he was staying to send the bill to me at my office. One of his chief activities while in ................. was to convert the first-class ticket he had been provided by his client into economy, collect the difference in cash, and still insist on being given the free airline hand-bag that went with first class. I am just a poor commoner, but I was embarrassed to be with the man.

You mention the perils of theft at the airport terminal. One of my colleagues did as a matter of fact have his wallet lifted at Charles de Gaulle recently. Could happen anywhere, of course, but he has been travelling for some forty years without such incident, and it did happen at Charles de Gaulle.

I could go on, but to no advantage. Please do note that search where you will in the archive of PPRuNe, you will never once find me using the expression “cheese-eating surrender monkeys”. Never. Not once. Many do, but not I.

I have spoken well of the French at the Battle of Tours, or Poitiers as Grandpa prefers. I read of du Guesclin, and the Chevalier Bayard, and Marshal Ney (“The Bravest of the Brave”; pity the French had to shoot him after all that).

One of the figures I most respect in history was the French captain Lucas of the Redoubtable at Trafalgar, forced to surrender with 99 survivors from a crew of 643, and himself severely wounded. Wherever the fighting was most fierce, there was captain Lucas to be found, a mannikin of berserk courage,
4' 10" tall. Only the other day I downloaded the Google data on the Trench of Bayonets at Verdun. I am not wholly persuaded that the bayonets there now are original, but the thought behind them is gallant.

My knowledge of the language is sadly limited, but de Montesquieu is one of my often used resources (De l’Esprit des Lois). For pleasure I have Froissart, and Gargantua and Pantagruel, and even, though I found it dreary towards the end, Les Mystères de Paris. Mind you, even Eugene Sue had to beat it from France for a while.

I sent my daughter to a French lycée and they gave her an excellent academic education (“Zees ees nat joost a Franch skewl; eet ees a Franch skewl of nanteen ferty”). No nonsense with Mme le Proviseur. They did have unisex cabinets de toilet, though without old ladies en garde, and could not understand why the Anglos objected (“Mais c’est pas grave”). I thought, no doubt wrongly, their standards of honest dealing in several respects left something to be desired (not at all on the part of Mme le Proviseur, the soul of probity).

The charentaises are tempting, and I really could use a pair. Still, I should prefer that the offer was prompted by a happier circumstance, so if you will for the moment allow I shall thank you and then later when we are jolly chums revisit the topic.

Anyway, I shrink from hurting your feelings, so from now on no word of criticism of France will come here from me.

Vive la France.

Davaar
4th Feb 2006, 09:55
I do not know how to edit these days. Captain Lucas was forced to surrender not from lack of will to keep on fighting, but because his ship was sinking.

ExSimGuy
4th Feb 2006, 10:10
M. Davaar, Mon Ami,
Vive la France.Yes, we kind of epected that from the land of Quebecois (or is it Quebecoise? I can never remember)

Having been there, Montreal and Hull, several times, I can understand why your "French is less than perfect" - the French that I learned at school (regrettably mostly lost now with lack of practice, and confusion with my little Arabic!) was far superior to the average Quebecois' "Francais"

Two phrases stick in my mind:
Referring to the way one arrived at work in "Le Char"
Having (works canteen) breakfast of "Deux oeufs, Baycen" (not a good representation of the accent, but you get the gist!)

Heard it once described as "200-year-old-French, bastardised by American". No wonder I was easily understood in Orleans (not the "New" one), Rouen, and "La Cote du Sud" (where someone asked which region I was from, as he didn't recognise my accent! :) )

Got a traffic ticket in Montreal (parking) - all in French (only!) and due to parking where there was a "no parking" (interdite a parkez? - I can't remember now :E )sign 2 stories above the street! Tempted to ignore it ("bloody froggies should learn to speak at least "Engrish" in an English-speaking country") but the bill would probably have come back to BOAC with a hefty load and I'd get it docked from my salary!

But apart from the above - "Great Country, Eh?":{

RJM
4th Feb 2006, 10:26
I'm trying to figure out why none of the women here are posting on this thread... :rolleyes:

Binoculars
4th Feb 2006, 12:42
No women? Well, if flyblue is a man I'm George Michael. But I know what you mean, and it's funny how we've almost all latched on to the same rule. Perhaps we are telling the PC brigade to leave our fantasies alone? :E

RJM
4th Feb 2006, 14:48
Hmm. I took a close look at what Flyblue posts, and a lot if it does seem to be fairly chicky sort of stuff. Mixed in with a decent amount of good sense, so that's probably why her gender was a bit hard to spot straight off. :E

As to the supposed rules, they look like nothing more than reasonable observations to me. If they were rules, you'd feel as though you might have to change your behaviour to stay within them. :E :ok:

Jerricho
4th Feb 2006, 14:50
No women? Well, if flyblue is a man I'm George Michael.

Kerrrist...........last boozer with you mate.

jet_noseover
4th Feb 2006, 20:37
Davaar,
Good write up, dude. I know what you mean but it might be worth yer while to visit them froggies these days. No more holes in the ground to poop. At least not as many as in the 60's. Closet ladies been around all over Europe for a loong time. Give them your dime. They probably need it more than you do. Beats playing wrong tunes on a tuba at the airports....
:)

Davaar
5th Feb 2006, 05:10
In fact, Ex, the langue du Quebec is known as “joual”, from “cheval”, what else? The name gained currency around 1960 from “Les Insolences du Frère Untel”, a polemic that helped set the Quiet Revolution on its way. It contemplated, in part, “le bon Dieu, qui est à Québec”.

You are right about “le char”. I treasure always the cold day winter day in Montreal, when the cars were dribbling condensation from the exhaust pipes. Un gars drew up next to me at the lights and wound down his window, clearly animo loquendi. I wound down my own window. Said he: “Beh! Ton char pisse!”. Tabernouche! I almost had a hernia.

Then, one time at a dépanneur in a remoteness of the South Shore, the lady ahead of me asked for: “Un carton de Mark Ten, King Size”. Then I knew I was bilingual at last.

Joual has an earthy quality all its own. I had colleagues who were subject to attempted fleecing by a Parisian taxi driver. One of the lads, native of hard school of “The P’int” (Pointe Ste Clair, the district of Montreal down by “the yards”) closed that one off right smartly: “Beh! Qu’i’ mange la m*rd*, et s’i’l’aime, l’ot-z-i” (“Eh Bien! Qu’il mange la m*rd*, et s’il l’aime, l’ôtez-lui”).

On reflexion, I think I am too modest about my French. I do believe it approaches perfection. It may have a certain elfin charm and cadence that derive from the great College for Boys in Edinburgh where I first studied it, but if that means the Parisians speak it differently from me, that is their problem.

But who am I to venture even a word of instruction in this, when we have the scholarly Pigboat to hand? He is The Master.

RiskyRossco
5th Feb 2006, 10:17
Blonde, petite (not red-head), French teacher from Britian. Only seven years senior. Used to invite me back to her house to listen to French music. And that's all I did. How naive was I. . . :{

I went walkies in Place de la Concorde, '90. :hmm: The things you missed.
You had it rough in Quebec, Davaar? I thought I had a fairly fluent style 'til I hit Paris. Had been in La Belle France some weeks, gaining an appreciation for the colloquial. Did the polite thing, asking for everything in French, to garner a look of contempt that would've froze the Medusa. :ouch:
What is it with waiters? "You want un coke, monsieur?" Quick mental recap to see if I'd spoken disparagingly about his wife/mistress. . .

rjm, best hie thee to the 'piccies" thread. ;) La Belle flyblue is a hourglass figure, all the sand in the right places. ;)
aplollogies should that overstep the bounds of good taste. .
:O :O

New rule: Those round signs with the "100" on 'em means kilometers per hour. You car is engineered to safely travel at that speed, you're not going to blow it up by exceeding 70. :*

Gingerbread Man
5th Feb 2006, 11:09
I saw Bill Bryson speaking at Southampton Uni and he had a similar list of rules, all of which were hilarious, but unfortunately only one stuck with me:

"Any building which has double doors in it but locks one of the doors for no reason, must put a sign on the locked door saying 'This door is locked for no reason'."

I loved that :)