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Astrodome
2nd Feb 2006, 21:47
One day, a man walking came upon a big, long ladder that stretched into the clouds.

He'd walked this way every day and this ladder was never there before.

Curious and brave, he began to climb.

Eventually, he climbed into the layer of clouds, and saw this rather large, homely woman lying there on a cloud.

She spoke: "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!"

The man figured success had to be better than this, so he continued climbing and came upon another level of clouds, and found a thinner, more attractive woman than before.

She says: "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!"

The man saw that his luck was changing and so continued his climb. On the next level of clouds, he finds a rather attractive woman with not so bad of a figure.

She says, "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!"

Not satisfied that this is the best he can get, he continues climbing quickly and deftly, and sure enough, on the next level, he finds a gorgeous, lithe, well-endowed woman lying seductively on the cloud.

"Take me now or climb the ladder to success," she huskily whispered.

The man couldn't believe his eyes, but his greed caught the best of him.

He climbed to the next level, expecting Aphrodite or similar.

Suddenly, the ladder ends, and a latch closes behind him. He looks over to see a 16 stone, 6' hairy biker looking guy with tattoos.

The biker gets up and walks menacingly toward the man .

Apprehensively, the man whispers, "Who are you?"

The biker answers, "I'm Cess."

HeathrowDictator
2nd Feb 2006, 21:57
LMFAO!!!! Love it Astro!

Astrodome
2nd Feb 2006, 22:11
HD
Thanks !

Nice to get a positive comment now and again !

airship
2nd Feb 2006, 22:23
The official PPRuNe 'keep the subject to aviation' DVD alternative ending:

...Suddenly, the ladder ends, and a latch closes behind him. He looks over to see an ordinary looking fully-dressed woman instructor and a Cessna 152.

The woman saunters to the man and whispers seductively, "It's what you've always dreamed of doing...?!" :}

Richo77
2nd Feb 2006, 23:47
The difference between having Guts and having Balls...

Guts is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

Balls is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, "You're next."

pigboat
3rd Feb 2006, 02:15
A little kid was taking a walk with his father around the neighbourhood, when what should they come across in an empty lot but two dogs going at it furiously.

"Daddy," asked the little feller, tugging on his father's sleeve, "what are those dogs doing?"

"Well Billy," answered his father, "they're making puppies."

A week later, Billy gets thirsty in the middle of the night. He wanders into his parents bedroom, catching them in the act.

"Daddy," he asks plaintively, "what are you and mommy doing?"

"Well Billy," says his red-faced father, "we're making babies."

"Daddy, daddy," cries Billy, "roll her over - I'd rather have puppies!"

Richo77
3rd Feb 2006, 03:03
A man and his young wife were in divorce court, but the custody of their children posed a problem.

The mother leaped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.

The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his justification.

After a long silence, the man slowly rose from his chair and replied...

"Your Honor, when I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Coke comes out, does the Coke belong to me or the machine?"
____________________________________________________________ ____
newlywed couple were spending their honeymoon in a remote log cabin resort way up the mountains. They had registered on Saturday and had not been seen for five days.

An elderly couple ran the resort, and they were getting concerned about the welfare of these newlyweds.

The old man decided to go and see if they were all right. He knocked on the door of the cabin and a weak voice from inside answered. The old man asked if they were OK.

"Yes, we're fine. We're living on the fruits of love."

The old man replied, "I thought so ... would you mind not throwing the peelings out the window? They're choking the shit out of my ducks!"

____________________________________________________________ _____

This one's for Jerricho!

A man's house is on fire. No help is in sight so he takes matters into his own hands.

He runs out of the house with his son and tells him to wait outside.
Then he runs back in and gets is daughter and brings her ouside.
Then his wife. Then the dog. Then the cat.

Then he goes back in "3 more times" without bringing out anybody or anything.

So a bystander is curious and asks him, "Why do you keep going back into your burning house and not coming out with anything?"

The man replies, "I'm turning over my mother in law."

Bob Stinger
3rd Feb 2006, 03:05
The difference between a bowling ball and an Essex girl ? None
They both get picked up, fingered and banged down the alley!

cockyjester
3rd Feb 2006, 09:21
Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.
Man who run in front of car get tired.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright
organ.
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to
Bangkok.
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
Panties not best thing on earth! But next to best thing on
earth.
War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
Crowded elevator smell different to midget.

CherokeeDriver
3rd Feb 2006, 09:21
'Alton Towers - Where the magic never ends', or so the commercial says.
Imagine my disappointment when it closed at 7.30.

Colum Hill

I am married to a Taiwanese lady, and people often ask me if she was a
mail-order bride. I find this very insensitive. The Royal Mail loose
around 2 million letters and parcels each year, and to suggest that I
would trust the delivery of my wife to them is insulting in the extreme.
She was sent by DHL next day delivery.

L Palmer, London



The record companies would have us believe that the money made by CD
pirates goes to fund the drug industry. But the money rock stars make
from legal record sales ends up in exactly the same place. When they
stop breaking the law, so will I.

P Boddington, Ringway



Peter Andre might look smug in all his wedding pictures, but I'd just
like to remind him that, as a Playboy reader, I have seen his wife's
m!nge. He hasn't seen my wife's, so who's had the last laugh?

P, Leeds



On holiday a few years back, I took part in a quiz and managed to reach
the final only to lose out after what I consider to this day, to be a
correct answer. The question asked 'What 'C' would you associate Jeremy
Clarkson with?' to which I confidently replied
ct Not only was I told the answer was incorrect, but I was asked by the
holiday rep to leave the premises immediately. Has anyone else
experienced such appalling treatment whilst holidaying with one's family?

Noel, Leeds



My friend's mum recently pointed out that I have the same ironing board
cover as her. Can anyone think of a more mundane and pointless remark to
make than this?

Alun Daniel



I'LL never understand my neighbour. He has recently started
wheel-clamping his own caravan when he finds he has inadvertently parked
it in his own drive! I wonder if he is a sadist, a masochist or both.

Alan Thakray



Did anyone else feel that Mel Gibson's remake of the classic 'Life of
Brian' wasn't anywhere near as funny as the original?



On the BBC website, I read with interest that some scientists in
Australia have discovered the smallest fish known to exist. They've
obviously never been to the Britannia Chippy on the Gloucester Road.

Alan J., London



Hats off to the American police. They arrive at Michael Jackson's
Neverland ranch to arrest him a mere six months after he admits climbing
into bed with young boys on worldwide TV. Perhaps they should get some
faster cars.

T Barnham, London



HOW come rap artist Dr. Dre can use the 'N' word on his multi-million
selling albums and win a MOBO award, yet when I used it at my son's
football match I was asked to leave the park? Once again, it's one law
for the rich and another for the poor.

Reg Ashcroft, Bradford



Never mind ventriloquists like Keith Harris and Roger DeCourcey. What
about Professor Stephen Hawking? I saw him on telly blathering on about
galaxies for hours and I never saw his lips move once.

Genius. Mike Woods, e-mail



I see on the news that Lord Hutton says he is "satisfied that David
Kelly took his own life". He may not have liked Dr Kelly that much, but
isn't this taking gloating just a little too far?

Dave Owen, Edinburgh



I was extremely saddened to hear of Richard Whiteley's recent death. But
I was cheered to imagine his life support machine making the famous
Countdown "da-da, da-da, da-da-da-da! Booooooo!" sound as he took his
final breaths.

Tripod



I never worry about the destination when I'm going on holiday. My dad is
Iranian and my mum is Irish, so I spend most of the time in customs.

Stan



What's all this nonsense about that 66-year-old Romanian woman being the
world's oldest mum? My mum's 77. Beat that.

Thomas J

mary_hinge
3rd Feb 2006, 11:03
Thanks for that CherokeeDriver, I got to the 4th item about Peter Andre and spent the last 5 mins cleaning coffee off the screen and key board :ok:

The Red Max
4th Feb 2006, 12:33
A couple were invited to a swanky family masked fancy dress Halloween party. The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still early, decided to go to the party. As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice "chick" he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.

After more drinks he finally whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had passionate intercourse in the back seat. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous behaviour.

She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had. "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"

He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening." "You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!" she said with unashamed sarcasm. To which the husband replied, "Actually, I gave my costume to your Dad, apparently he had the time of his life."

Mac the Knife
4th Feb 2006, 13:47
"The Friday 3rd February Joke 2005"

What? That's an OLD joke!

Heard it last year............

Jerricho
4th Feb 2006, 14:52
Thank you Richo :ok:

Loki
4th Feb 2006, 15:13
I think I`m suffering from bird flu: I`ve started painting my nails, I talk b*ll*cks, and I can`t park the car.

Chitty's Leader
5th Feb 2006, 10:26
Realise it's no longer Friday, but.......
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies" He responded.
"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

flynverted
7th Feb 2006, 12:14
INNOCENCE IS PRICELESS

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names with small American flags mounted on either side of it. The seven year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, "Good morning Alex."

"Good morning, Pastor," he replied, still focused on the plaque. "Pastor, what is this?" he asked the pastor.

The pastor said, "Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.? Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque.

Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear asked, "Which service, the 9:45 or the 11:15?"
http://www.a2zautoforums.com/images/buttons/quote.gif (http://www.a2zautoforums.com/newreply.php?do=newreply&p=34366)


Mildred and Chester knew each other from childhood but were in their
seventies when they got married. They had to wait for Mildred's mother to
pass away first. Back in those days there was no hanky panky before
marriage so Chester and Mildred were both virgins.


Needless to say Chester was pretty excited on their wedding night, having
waited so patiently all these years. However, Mildred was very apprehensive
as she had developed a heart condition and would have to tell Chester that
they could not do it.

Chester is now sitting on the bed wanting Mildred to hurry up. He detects a
little reluctance on her part. Thinking that she is shy he sends her off to
the bathroom to get undressed. When she reappears in her silk satin
nightie, he gets her to sit next to him on the bed. Not knowing how to get
things started he pulls the first strap on her nightie. She blushes just
as red as her satin nightie. She is really concerned about telling Chester
about her heart condition.

In the meantime Chester is looking at the first breast he has seen since his
own mother's. It is hanging there down to her belly button: gravity having
taken its course over some sixty years. He realizes her anxiety but figures
she is going to have to be helped a little more. Now he pulls the second
strap and sees the second breast unroll downward before him.

Poor Mildred is now beside herself. She is going to have to tell Chester
about her heart. With a quivering voice, and mustering up all her courage,
she says, "Chester I have acute angina!"

Chester says, "I sure hope so. Cuz you've got ugly boobs." :E :ok:

VitaminGee
7th Feb 2006, 12:20
Probably been done before, but worth a re-run anyway:

A tourist walked into a pet store and was looking at the animals on display.
While he was there, an officer from the local RAF base walked in and said to
the shopkeeper "I'll take a 6114 monkey, please."

The shopkeeper nodded, went to a cage at the side of the store and took out
a monkey. He put a collar and leash on the animal and handed it the officer,
saying, "That'll be 2,000, please." The officer paid and left with the
monkey.

The surprised tourist went to the shopkeeper and said, "That was a very
expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did that
one cost so much?"

The shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that 6114 monkey, he can rig aircraft flight
controls, score 300 on the Army Personal Fitness Test, set up a perimeter
defence and perform the duties of any warrant officer with no back talk or
complaints. It's well worth the money".

The tourist then spotted a monkey in another cage. "That one's even more
expensive! 10,000! What does it do?" he asked.

"Oh, that one" replied the shopkeeper. "That's a "Maintenance Supervisor"
monkey. It can instruct at all levels of maintenance, supervise maintenance
at the unit, intermediate, and Depot level, and even do most of the
paperwork. A very useful monkey indeed".

The tourist looked around a little longer and found a third monkey in a
cage. The price tag was 50,000. The shocked tourist exclaimed, "This one
costs more than all the others put together! What in the world can it do?"

"Actually" said the shopkeeper "I've never actually seen him do anything but
drink beer and play with his dick, but his papers say he's a Pilot.":E :ok:

VG

Training Risky
7th Feb 2006, 14:16
Osama Bin Laden has been caught [email protected] lambs.

When interrogated, he replied that they were 'Is lams

:ok:

UniFoxOs
7th Feb 2006, 14:19
Just got this from a mate, hadn't seen it before...


Dictionary for Decoding Women's Personal Ads:

40-ish ........................ early 50's
Adventurous ..............Slept with everyone.
Athletic ...................... No breasts
Average looking .......... Moooo!!!
Beautiful .................... Pathological liar.
Emotionally Secure ... On medication.
Feminist .................... Fat & butch
Free spirit .................. Junkie
Friendship first .......... Former slut.
New-Age ................... Body hair in the wrong places.
Old-Fashioned .......... No BJ's.
Open-minded ............. Desperate
Outgoing ................... Loud and Embarrassing.
Professional .............. Bitch
Voluptuous ................ Fat
Medium frame .......... Hugely Fat
Wants soul mate ....... Stalker
A True Individual..........Unusual tattoos & piercings

Guide to WOMEN'S ENGLISH:
1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry = You'll be sorry, jerk
6. We need to talk = you're ass is in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = you better not, assface
8. Do what you want = you'll pay for it later
9. I am not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
10. What would you think if = You better say yes, butt-nutt
11. You're certainly attentive tonight = is sex all you ever think about?

MEN'S ENGLISH:

1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = Let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Let's have sex now
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you.
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you.
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you.
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you.
11. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay

Jhieminga
7th Feb 2006, 21:33
There was this couple that had been married for 20 years.

Every time they made love, the husband always insisted on shutting off
the light.

Well, after 20 years, the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured
she would break him out of this crazy habit.

So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming,
romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down, and saw
her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device ...
a vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.

She went completely ballistic. "You impotent [email protected]," She screamed at
him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better
explain yourself!"

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I'll
explain the toy . . . you explain the kids."

Skypilot
8th Feb 2006, 10:39
Q - Why is there no TV in Afghanistan?
A - Because of the telly ban!

halas
8th Feb 2006, 13:19
Bit late l know.....

Newly wed couple have bought the new big spec home in the outer 'burbs'.

This day the hubby has gone to work and the new bride has just come back from the gym. After a shower she is frolicking through the house, and just so overcome with happiness and joy for her new life and new home, in the nude.

In the foyer she does the splits. And gets stuck! She tries everything from lifting one leg, then two and rocking backwards and forwards with no success.

That evening hubby walks in to see his bride in her state on the floor, and gasp's "What the hell happened"?

She explained her manouver and her attempts to free herself. So he tried to do the same things with his assistance to no avail. She was still stuck!

He thought about things for a bit then said, "I know, l will call the builder who built this place for us. He's pretty cluey".

After calling the builder, he agrees to come over and arrives to assess the situation. After asking if they had tried lifting one leg then other, the couple said that thay had. "What about both legs together?" The responded that they had tried that too. "Rocked her back and forth?" "Yep" was the response.

Running out of ideas the builder had a moment of genius. "I'll get the jack-hammer out of the ute, then loosen the tiles. That should do the trick!"

"Oh no you won't" said the hubby, "Those are $350sq/m imported Italian tiles! There is no way you are putting a jack hammer on to those babies!"

The builder agreed, then had another brain-wave...

"Play with her t!ts for a bit and lube her up, then we'll slide her into the kitchen. They're only $100sq/m in there!"