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View Full Version : Some of the finest double entendres on British TV & Radio


ronnie3585
29th Jan 2006, 14:29
Michael Burke on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer
for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: "They seem cold out
there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts."

Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson
lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny,
other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."

Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: "Stephen Hendry
jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."

Jack Burnicle was talking about Colin Edwards' tyre choice on World
Superbike racing: "Colin had a hard on in practice earlier, and I bet he
wished he had a hard on now."

Chris Tarrant discussing the first Millionaire winner Judith Keppel on This
Morning: "She was practising fastest finger first by herself in bed last
night."

'Winning Post's' Stewart Machin commentating on jockey Tony McCoy's
formidable lead: "Tony has a quick look between his legs and likes what he
sees."

Ross King discussing relays with champion runner Phil Redmond: "Well Phil,
tell us about your amazing third leg."

Cricketer Neil Fairbrother hit a single during a Durham v Lancashire match,
inspiring Bobby Simpson to observe: "With his lovely soft hands he just
tossed it off."

Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: "There's
nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this."

James Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand Prix, asked: "What does
it feel like being rammed up the backside by Barrichello?"

Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt much better today
after a 69."

The new stand at Doncaster race course took Brough Scott's breath away..."My word," he said. "Look at that magnificent erection."

Willie Carson was telling Claire Balding how jockeys prepare for a big race
when he said: "They usually have four or five dreams a night about coming
from different positions."

Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on Time Team Live said:
"You'd eat beaver if you could get it."

A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob, where's that eight
inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set,
but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!

US PGA Commentator - "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so
well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses
them ... Oh my god!!!!! What have I just said?!!!!"

Metro Radio - "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven
Dicks on the field."

Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - "Ah, isn't that
nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford
crew."

Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - "This is really a lovely horse. I
once rode her mother."

New Zealand Rugby Commentator - "Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him."

Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - "And this is Gregoriava from
Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!"

Whirlygig
29th Jan 2006, 14:32
You can't have a thread like this without the famous Johnners quote:-


The bowler's Holding, the batman's Willey


Cheers

Whirls

ronnie3585
29th Jan 2006, 14:34
I love it:ok:

ShyTorque
29th Jan 2006, 14:44
Aaw, Whirls! You got to the batsman Holding the bowler's Willey first. I was just about to write that......ooer, missus! ;)

VFE
29th Jan 2006, 14:46
Recall watching a live athletics screening on the Beeb about 15 years ago when one of the armchair pundits was describing one of the hundred metres runners:

"He just opened his legs and showed his class"

The whole studio erupted in laughter and they were all struggling to maintain composure for about 5 minutes afterwards!

VFE.

Whirlygig
29th Jan 2006, 14:47
Oh I'm so so sorry ShyT, shall I delete my post and then you can post it? :D

Cheers

Whirls

BALIX
29th Jan 2006, 15:16
VFE

It was suposedly David Coleman who made the remark about Alberto Juanterina (sp?) of Cuba in the Olympics.

Another classic was Blue Peter when they had a large immitation door knocker that was going to be used on the doors of Durham Cathedral whilst the original (also in the studio) was being renovated. One of the bloke presenters was going on about how the knockers looked lovely side by side whilst the other, with a completely straight face, remarked 'what a lovely pair of knockers.' :p

Evening Star
29th Jan 2006, 15:44
Now Balix, you beat me to post that one! Remember watching that ... sixth form (so dates from 1979-1981) common room was still laughing about it the next day.:ok:

Farmer 1
29th Jan 2006, 17:05
No names, no packdrill, cos I've forgotten them, but a young female presenter, pregnant, was being interviewed on television. She was asked about her pregnancy, and she mentioned her maternity smock.

"Yes, I put this on when I was first pregnant, and I haven't had it off since."

frostbite
29th Jan 2006, 17:12
One of those terribly patronising wartime public information films has the parting line, from a very plummy voiced commentator, "For all the use he's been, he might as well have come in his shorts".

FLCH
29th Jan 2006, 17:17
I remember a couple of years ago watching "Countdown", and Richard (don't know his last name) ask a contestant to say a little about himself, the contestant said he was retired and was 69, Richard replied : 69 ? and what a great position to be in ... he was totally unaware of what he had just said.

Whirlygig
29th Jan 2006, 17:28
That'd be the sadly departed Richard "Twice Nightly" Whiteley who also famously got attacked by a ferret on screen!

Cheers

Whirls

Lon More
29th Jan 2006, 17:48
On American tv interviewer (Johnny Carson?) asking a famous golfer if his wife polished his balls before a game. Cost the tv company quite a few dollars

Huck
29th Jan 2006, 18:55
"Ward, weren't you a little hard on the Beaver last night?"

- June Cleaver, "Leave It to Beaver"

Flaps ten please
29th Jan 2006, 19:40
During the last FIFA World Cup:

"It's a slippery ball but Seaman's all over it"

Nearly wet myself laughing.

While we're on the subject...
Girl walked into a bar and asked for a Double Entendre, so the barman gave her one.

;)

Howard Hughes
29th Jan 2006, 21:21
While we're on the subject...
Girl walked into a bar and asked for a Double Entendre, so the barman gave her one.;)
Surely that's an Irish Girl walked into a bar...:ok:

reynoldsno1
29th Jan 2006, 21:52
The first TV cook, Fanny Craddock, had just finished a demonstration of how to make doughnuts. The presenter's voice over came on:
'Remember housewives", (it was a long time ago), "if you make doughnuts make them like Fanny's"

...on a similar theme, the all girl band Fanny (featuring Suzi Quatro's sister) appeared on the Old Grey Whistle Test. It was the last programme of the night on BBC2 (it was also a while ago), and the voice-over came on:
"Well, with that last glimpse of Fanny, we'll say goodnight....."

Keygrip
29th Jan 2006, 21:53
The thread HAS drifted slightly off topic - so it leaves me space to recall Bob Friend, newsreader, Sky News, freek'n years ago.

He was sat happily reading a story from the autocue (teleprompter - call it what you will).

The story was about reducing the costs, and therefore the budget, for the entire British Army.

The story was SUPPOSED to read "There are some big CUTS in the Army......." A stray letter "N" made it into the live broadcast. He never made it any further - literally fell off the chair onto the studio floor, girlie sat next to him had to pick up the broadcast and did the next five stories whilst he composed himself.

Lon More
29th Jan 2006, 23:04
Just remembered another. Back in 1960s on Saturday Grandstand there was an annual competition between the London Motor Club and the Army at a Tank testing Area - a sort of early rally cross. One year one of the cars was known as the Bug; at the end of the transmission the commentator stated that there had been a number of complaints but that what he had said was, "The Bug has, .... I repeat, the Bug has.

paulc
30th Jan 2006, 05:44
Always remember Dickie Davies on ITV World of Sport saying something along the lines of "and now for the latest cock sucker errr cup soccer action"

682al
30th Jan 2006, 08:22
The first TV cook, Fanny Craddock, had just finished a demonstration of how to make doughnuts. The presenter's voice over came on:
'Remember housewives", (it was a long time ago), "if you make doughnuts make them like Fanny's"
This version appears all over the internet, but I can claim to have seen the actual broadcast and my recollection differs somewhat:
Fanny Craddock (with Johnny in the background as usual) had made Angel cakes. This involved baking some kind of cup cake, slicing the raised top off, cutting it in two, then placing the two pieces on top of the cake in a near vertical arrangement to represent "angels wings" (hence Angel cakes).
To me, the gag was partly visual and entirely deliberate. The final shot was a view of the cakes, with their suggestively arranged "wings", and the voice over was something like:
"And if you're making Angel cakes, I hope they turn out like Fanny's..."
There were multiple giggles in the background and the transmission ended abruptly!

pulse1
30th Jan 2006, 08:41
Hot off the press from last night's South Bank Show Awards:

Helen Mirren doing the usual thanks to everyone, particularly thanks the writer of her script, "..his work fits comfortably in the mouth".

She realised what she had said and the whole audience fell about laughing as she grinned and said she had probably said enough.

Unwell_Raptor
30th Jan 2006, 09:07
I saw a clip of Robin Day interviewing Dennis Skinner. "Tell me" said Robin, "Do you think that by your behaviour you have become something of a parliamentary cu*t - er cult?"

I think he got it right first time.

angels
30th Jan 2006, 10:25
This is going back a bit (er, before my time anyway), but Max Miller was a British music hall comedian who was very popular because of his down-to-earth humour.

During the war he was performing somewhere and the BBC were airing it live on the wireless.

"I was walking along this narrow path cut into a cliff. Cliff to one side of me, 500 foot drop to the other. Suddenly a beautiful girl rounds the corner walking towards me.

"I didn't know whether to stand to one side or toss myself off."

The authorities never forgave him and he never appeared live on the Beeb again.

treadigraph
30th Jan 2006, 10:45
Anna-Marie Ash on ITV's local London news programme introduced a delightful spoonerism when trying to say "the Kent countryside" one evening some years ago. It might have gone un-noticed if she hadn't corrected heself.

3PARA
2nd Feb 2006, 19:56
Back in the olden days when the BBC weather map was a metal sheet to which the weather man would attach magnetic symbols I remember seeing Bert Ford on an evening when fog was forecast over the midlands. Unfortunately the letter F kept dropping off the board & without even a hint of a smile He said "I must appologise about the F in fog, goodnight" :E

goshdarnit
2nd Feb 2006, 21:22
Quote:
Originally Posted by Flaps ten please
While we're on the subject...
Girl walked into a bar and asked for a Double Entendre, so the barman gave her one.;)

Actually the bartender said "Certainly madam, would that be a large one?"
Har, har, har. [I know 'cos I was there]

RJM
2nd Feb 2006, 21:35
Famous, perhaps apocryphal exchange in the Australian Parliament:

'I can't vote for that - I'm a country member!'

'We remember...'

MMEMatty
2nd Feb 2006, 21:55
From Time Team (UK archaeology tv show) when Tony "Baldrick" Robinson turns to the female archaeologist and says, completely straight faced:


"Can I come in your trench Carenza?"

Well it made me laugh anyway

Matt

PLovett
3rd Feb 2006, 00:03
Not tooo long ago in the Australian Parliament a Senate inquiry was sitting with a female Senator in the chair.

A male Senator was addressing the inquiry and struggling with how to refer to the chair.

She replied, "In this position I do not have any sex".

She immediately realised what she had said, perhaps due to the giggling male appearing in front of her, groaned and said "What have I said."

Proceedings were halted until all had resumed the proper demeanour for such a hearing. :}

teeteringhead
3rd Feb 2006, 08:16
"I didn't know whether to stand to one side or toss myself off."
..the way I heard it was:

"I didn't know whether to block her passage or toss myself off"....;)

Widger
3rd Feb 2006, 11:46
Whilst not strictly a double-entendre, I do remember some years back watching the BBc news at ten with the lovely Rosie Millard reporting from the Oscars, wearing a quite revealing dress. On completion of her piece Michael Buerke just turned to camera and said, "Rosie Millard there in the best supporting dress".

http://news.bbc.co.uk/media/images/38122000/jpg/_38122869_rosie300.jpg

Sorry the work's computer does not seem to like the buttons on the new website.

Didn't Sue parker come out with a couple of rippers at the last Sportsperson of the year awards?

Davaar
3rd Feb 2006, 13:23
As I recall, teeteringhead's version is the better. The man was billed as "Max Miller, the Cheeky Chappie".

ionagh
3rd Feb 2006, 13:24
BBC radio, v late sixties:

[famous singer] .....flying with British Urine Peeing Airways..... [/famous singer]

She had no idea until the sound crew collapsed on the floor.

Davaar
3rd Feb 2006, 14:00
How innocent they were. One interview on BBC TV featured two American stars who were visiting the UK:

Interviewer, to Male American Star: "And do you have any children?"
Male American Star: "Yes, the two boys and one daughter".
Female American Star, with nudge to Male American Star: "Tee Hee! Oh Yes! And a bun in the oven".

Stark silence. Interviewer stunned. Interview faded. Next day, BBC press release that what Female American Star had REALLY REALLY REALLY said was: "And one in the offing".

Farmer 1
3rd Feb 2006, 14:18
Radio 4 celebrity quiz type programme.

John Junkin - actor, writer, wit, crossword-doer extraordinaire, smartarse in general - was asked the question:

"How many wives has Warren Beatty had?"

He replied, "Do you mean his own, or other people's?"

ShyTorque
4th Feb 2006, 20:58
This celebrity skating competition thing was on earlier. They were waiting for the public votes to come in.

The first thing the female presenter was: "It's very tight tonight......."

She probably meant the voting....but she did look a little uncomfortable :ooh:

CaptainSandL
4th Feb 2006, 22:25
Several years ago when Kevin Kegan was manager of Man City, Goalkeeper David Seaman had been hastily bought to replace Peter Schmeichel and the headline read...

"Keegan uses Seaman to fill Schmeichels Gap"

I still wonder if that headline writer lost his job over that.

B Fraser
5th Feb 2006, 11:17
I was once told that during WW2, a newspaper reported that the advance of the 8th army was causing chaos as the enemy retreated. The immortal headine appeared as........

British Push Bottles Up German Rear

:ooh:

Ian Corrigible
5th Feb 2006, 14:06
Snooker commentator Ted Lowe: "Fred Davis, the doyen of snooker, now 67 years of age and too old to get his leg over, prefers to use his left hand."

Radio 2 commentator interviewing Anne Widdecombe a couple of years back. Widdicombe was calling-in from a dentists in Scotland. Interviewer asks whether Widdicombe had had any dental work done; she says 'no,' to which the interviewer follows-up: "Ah, so you've not been drilled today?" Long silence...

I/C

5hundy
15th Feb 2006, 02:34
And someone must have heard the late great Brian Johnson on the radio with Jon Agnew discussing the days play, where he describes Ian Bothams Hit wicket dismissal, as he fell backwards onto his stumps as "not quite able to get his leg over". They however realised exactly what had been said and this quote preceeded 5 mins of uncontrollable laughter from the 2 of them, you know, the harder you try to stop, the harder you laugh!

And just to go back to Englands marvellous Richard Whitely, did anyone see the episode where he wore a Countdown Tie, with the word "COUNT" running down the Tie in huge lettering and then underneath in tiny letters you couldn't see as a viewer the word Down.......... unfortunatly the sound man clipping his mic onto him, placed the mic over the letter "O"......... I'm sure you can work out which letters were visible in which order!