View Full Version : Headlines from the year 2029

27th Jan 2006, 17:34
Just got this in an e-mail, f:mad:ing hillarious!!

Headlines from the year 2029

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia formerly known as California. White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language.

Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.

Baby conceived naturally. Scientists stumped.

Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.

Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iran, Afghanistan, Syria and Lebanon).

Iraq still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica.

Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.

Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.

85-year, $75.8 billion study: Diet and Exercise is the key to weight loss.

Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.

Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed, they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.
(I love it!)

Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.

Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.

New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.

Congress authorizes direct deposit of formerly illegal political contributions to campaign accounts.

Capitol Hill intern indicted for refusing to have sex with congressman.

IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.

Florida voters still having trouble with voting machines.


DC-10 Levo
27th Jan 2006, 18:16
Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed, they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

:ok: Brilliant!

27th Jan 2006, 18:26
"George Galloway finally admits complicity in Iraq oil for food programme"

In other news former england manager Sven Goran Erikson (on his deathbed)admits to fathering Romeo Beckam:E

Capn Notarious
27th Jan 2006, 18:29
TRRBATPSOIT,the Pprune thread created by Mr Tony Draper of Newcastle, is now in its seventy-ninth edition.
In Pprune Hanger ( the retirement home for Pprune users) elderly veterans had the power to their hover chairs switched off.
One pink headed lady was relieved of her pet dragon, when it was discovered to have been used to light cigarettes.
Ffyneair has now purchased its five hundreth aircraft.
Relieved family members were at hand, when the protesting former Pprune moderator was extracted from his whisky cellar.

Spuds McKenzie
27th Jan 2006, 18:43

27th Jan 2006, 19:29
"Wembley stadium nears completion"

27th Jan 2006, 19:38
Mr. M.O'Leary Snr., Executive Life President of European World Asiatic Global Ryan London City Eurotunnel Airlines announced that zimmer frames will no longer be allowed on his fleet of A380-900s thus allowing an additional 120 seats to be installed in each aircraft.

"This will help us to offer our consumers a much faster turnround," he declared
to his airline's Over Eighties Nudist Leapfrog Team. ;)

27th Jan 2006, 20:16
African nations agree increase in aid to UK.

27th Jan 2006, 20:33
REUTERS: Dallas, Texas.

I former Englishman has undergone the first species change operation. The man, only identified as "Onan", has successfully been changed from human to feline. The patient is said to be doing well and is asking for a saucer of milk.

Howard Hughes
27th Jan 2006, 20:40
Jerricho says to his wife "I'll be down soon honey", just as soon as I have made my 11,000,000,000th post on Pprune.:ok:

The amazing TRRBATPSOIT Mk 4312 surpasses Coronation Street and as the worlds longest running soap opera....;)

27th Jan 2006, 21:04
AP Beijing, China USA.

President Zeng Bao Johnson of the United States of Asia informed the People'
s Republic of the Americas President Chelsea Clinton that she must lower the export of cheap American goods into the United States of Asia. The current deficit now stands at 250 trillion billion Zenyangs.

President Johnson made his statement during the Governors conference attended by the Governors of the following states, Japan, Viet Nam, Laos, Burma (formerly Myanmar), China, Thailand, India and Pakistan.

Quote "We must point out that the inhuman working conditions and extremely low pay of what can only be termed slave labor of the American workers allows these cheap goods."

"In all fairness the truly brutal labor practices in America must be abolished!"

The President added.

(The unfair work week in America is a gruesome 3 days a week, 6 hours of which must be actually working, with only 4 days off a week and only 6 months vacation time each year. The average American worker only earns 1.5 million dollars (Euro) a year.)

Mac the Knife
27th Jan 2006, 21:11
"Millions Starving In Africa Famine"

"Palestinians Elect New Government, Vow Destruction Of Israel"

"French say NON!"

"Railway Standstill In Freezing Britain"

You get the idea....

Buster Hyman
27th Jan 2006, 22:10
Branson floats Virgin Time Travel! Makes Billions!

Branson arrested over insider trading...think about it.;)

27th Jan 2006, 22:15
slightly off topic.......



Big Tudor
27th Jan 2006, 22:17
Do you know what. I think Mac the Knife might be closer to the truth than anyone! :suspect:

28th Jan 2006, 07:09
Fuel Shortage Predicted

gas path
28th Jan 2006, 08:13
Industrial unrest in the Indian subcontinent as thousands of call centre jobs are outsourced to England:rolleyes:

28th Jan 2006, 09:00
Liberal Democrats say they will make a break through at the next election.

28th Jan 2006, 09:04
Hetros come out in Lib Dems!

28th Jan 2006, 09:07
Newly elected goverment promises "No new taxes" :rolleyes:

28th Jan 2006, 10:25

The match at Murrayfield between Scotland and North Outer Upper Wapitattouutou was declared a draw when both spectators disrupted play by waking up simultaneously. Scotland were down by only 3-65 after 15 minutes when the referee stopped play, declaring: 'It's crowd control problems like this that give Scottish rugby a bad name. And it was Murrayfield's best crowd for years.' But Scotland's English manager was happy, saying: 'We're very pleased to nearly get a result, and this represents our best performance since the 17 Nations Championship began 12 years ago. In that time we have been stuffed only 191 times so I must be doing something right for England...I mean Scotland.'


Romeo Beckham declared that his team was ready and able to ....................... no, sorry, far too far-fetched even for me!

28th Jan 2006, 10:52
The National Institute of Cryonics is hoping for a succesful acceptance from the new boyfriend once he thaws out in 2032.

28th Jan 2006, 11:06
I.R.Pirate leaves Kabul......

wishfull thinking

28th Jan 2006, 12:00
landslide wipes out citys wind-farm power supply
vegetable oil shortage predicted
100s dead in ferry-tidal power generator collision
Central Prisons Ltd. goes into recievership, future uncertain for 'customers'
minister says maori land claims are 50% resolved
airbus edges out over boeing by 10% with a 2029 book for 103 453 aeroplanes
scramjet starts public transport with 30 minute flight from new york to moscow

Krystal n chips
28th Jan 2006, 12:10
Banks agree ( in principle, subject to 10 year consultative process---terms and conditions apply ) to clear cheques in a record 4.99 days in future--spokesperson says "we have always moved with the times ".

100 % pass rate for GCSE and A level students--teachers deny giving children papers with completed answers next to question is "dumbing down" of standards "students have to ensure the correct answer is opposite the question and that involves intense study and research--but we do help them write their names on the exam paper of course".

President for Life and the Hereafter Blair says "I will stand down after the next election" Says that "only one name on ballot paper was a "printers error" and that, in hindsight, machine gun checkpoints every 10 miles on the motorway system was not the traffic calming measures success he had intended".

England return Ashes to their rightful owners. Australia bans cricket after 5-0 series defeat by Sri-Lanka. Sri-Lankan officials complain that "we came here for a 5 day / 5 match Test series, but we had won by an inninings every time on the first day after tea".

Australian ex pat wins £1,000, 0000, 0000 on World Wide Super Lottery--donates it all to establish a series of luxury refuges for cats world wide.

Scotland and Wales complete final section of "Ring of Steel" to ensure border security remains intact from the hordes of invaders from the "pepuls rerpublik of chavdum innit" ( formerly known as Ingurlund )

U.N. secedes power to Pprune at 00.00hrs on Jan1st. Rendition flights for journo's and reality tv participants / presenters--and middle lane road hoggers-begin at 00.01 hrs. Journos issued with tropical kit en-route to North Pole Camp---reality tv persons issued with Arctic kit en route to Australian interior and / or Namibia.

Charlie Foxtrot India
28th Jan 2006, 12:11
Average Flying Instructor's wage increased to $26 per hour

Massive increase in labour costs prevents flying school from replacing 55 year old Cessna 152

CASA issue first ASIC card - but recipient killed by car bomb 15 years ago


28th Jan 2006, 12:21
Politicians being sold as food to neighbouring solar system.

28th Jan 2006, 12:24
politician held accountable for actions

pigs fly

28th Jan 2006, 13:37
All African emperor Bob Mugabe was heard making sense today......

haaaaang on, what am i thinking??

tony draper
28th Jan 2006, 14:28
The price of middle eastern oil fell to 11 cents a barrel today,whereas the price of a barrel of European water being sent to the middle east rose to 750 dollars a barrel.

28th Jan 2006, 14:38
"Hole in the Ozone layer finally closed".

The plan, proposed in 2006 by the renowned philosopher, Shytorque, to use Ozone as a propellant gas in all aerosol cans was a brilliant success, says astronomer Patrick Moore, now 112 years old.

Yesterday, as he was presented with the Nobel Peace prize for science for his work in this field. ShyTorque was quoted as saying: "Bloody 'ell, I never thought it would work - I was only joking!" (At least, that's what we think he said, he was wearing a gasmask at the time).

Shytorque today stated that "Global Cooling" is the new threat. He proposes that nuclear power be banned as motive power for cars and called for the re-introduction of 4 star petrol.

28th Jan 2006, 14:57
Australian ex pat wins £1,000, 0000, 0000 on World Wide Super Lottery--donates it all to establish a series of luxury refuges for cats world wide.

Very, very good Krystal :ok:

28th Jan 2006, 16:03
Leo Blair wins Big Brother.

Leo, unemployed, entered Big Brother after obtaining three Grade F passes in Media Studies, Texting and Pop Music from the Peckham City Academy. Unable to find a job, down to his inability to speak Chinese, he had been surviving on his 100 Euro a week 'Deferred Success Allowance'. He hopes to spend his 200,000 Euro prize money on a Dentists Appointment and to pay off the minimum on his 24 credit cards.
After attending his compulsory annual Ethnic Orientation workshop he hopes to be accepted at one of the new 'Virtual Universities' which offer 8 year Degrees in Computer Gaming. As for the long term, he hopes to enter the Civil Service on the 'Fast Track' Outreach Worker Management programme, which recruits up to 100,000 people per Financial Year.
Leo, who was at Downing St today attending a 'High Achievers' award ceremony, hosted by Prime Minister Patel and his partner Ibrahim, said " I owe it all to my Father ".

(Former Prime Minister Tony Balir, now living in Texas, was unavailable for comment.)

28th Jan 2006, 17:06
(Former Prime Minister Tony Balir, now living in Texas, was unavailable for comment.)
Crawford, Texas? :zzz: :}

28th Jan 2006, 17:19
Where else?????:E

28th Jan 2006, 17:22
There is nowhere else but Texas, come on everybody knows that.

28th Jan 2006, 19:02
NHS Waiting lists for emergency surgery,including heart and cancer surgery, are only 11months!!!

Solid Rust Twotter
28th Jan 2006, 19:15
Airlines finally realise contract pilots can do the job.

Twotter finally accepted into airlines. Special flight deck resuscitation units fitted to keep aging, toothless ex contract pilots alive. Crew meals now consisting of flavourless vitamin paste preferred by senile captains.:( :{

28th Jan 2006, 19:17
What's a 'pilot'? :confused:

28th Jan 2006, 19:23
CAA receives a registered charity number.

28th Jan 2006, 20:03
Airports and all domestic airlines and services are nationalised.

28th Jan 2006, 20:23
White male pilot hired by SAA

28th Jan 2006, 21:03
Victoria Beckham relaunces career

28th Jan 2006, 21:18
An Irishman walked out of a pub...

28th Jan 2006, 21:23
Victoria Beckham relaunces career

Isn't that what you do to a boil...........hang on, you may have a point.

28th Jan 2006, 21:34
The Islamic republic of America, declares war on Israel

Buster Hyman
28th Jan 2006, 21:39
Rolf Harris refuses to paint portrait of Helen Clarke, President of New Zealand & McMurdo sound! Claims he has a reputation to uphold...

henry crun
28th Jan 2006, 21:43
Rolf Harris then awarded a knighthood for services to humanity.

28th Jan 2006, 22:16
Helen Clark paints own portrait and has someone else sign it:E

28th Jan 2006, 22:22
Flight International:
Air Zaire retires the last of it's DC-9's. Air Zaire VP of operations says the 757's will be next.

The joint Airbus - Boeing Supersonic Cruiser , the A-7S7, completes first successful test flight.

British Airways announces luxury service to Moon base to rival Virgin Interplanetary.

New York Times:
By the end of this year, JFK expects to be fully ready for the Airbus A380.

Heard on BBC World News:
Renowned Russian geneticist Vladamir Pushevsky announced creation of a new breed of horse. Using a specially engineered digestive system, the horse will eat garbage and pee gasoline.

UK still says No to the Metric system - the US echoed the British decision today.

Washington Times:
Peace talks are scheduled to resume between Israeli Prime Minister Shlomo Seinfeld and Palestinian President Cosmo Bin Laden next week.

In a speech delivered today, Republican President Jeb Bush II admits there may be something to Global Warming, but would like to see more evidence. His remarks were made during the World Ecologic Summit at the Tropicana Oceanside Casino and Resort in Las Vegas Nevada.

In financial news, the OMB (Budget Office) reported today that the debt from the Iraq war shoud be off the books by 2050 !

Still no clue on whether Congress will authorize exhibits for the new Smithsonian Roswell Wing.

In the Daily Mirror:
King Harry III kicks Camilla out of Buckingham Palace for good !

France rumored to open it's borders to tourism again.

Sports Wire:
During the 2029 odd-year Olympics, the US Soccer team finally brings home the gold !

ducking for cover on that last one ;)

28th Jan 2006, 22:52

Veteran F1 driver Jensen Button is hopeful for that elusive first win as he embarks on his 29th season. 'No wins in 582 races isn't as good as I had hoped, but the Hondasakizuki car is really coming together at last,' he stated.

The world still doesn't know what the World Series is.

Sir Baron Honorary King Lord Alex Ferguson has vowed to get Man U back on top for the first time since 1999. 'F*** off, you b*st*rds,' he explained in the time-honoured fashion.

Heath & Safety Executive states that full body armour is required for all players and spectators at darts matches.

World 100 metres freestyle record lowered to 2.100030058674 seconds by 4 year old Bruce Wombat McDingo.

In the continual search for power up front, the All Blacks scrum tips the scales at 4.1 tonnes. 'Legalising steroids for the good of the game has really done the trick, and we're now almost up with the big boys,' stated captain Umagagaga (no relation).

Wembley Stadium due to open next year, according to the well-and-truly-bankrupt Oz construction company Multiplex. Seating capacity has been reduced to 46 as those people remembering what the point of it all was continues to dwindle.

28th Jan 2006, 23:23
If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again?

NASA predicts man will land on Mars the next decade.

Ryanair announces first scheduled flight to Mare Tranquillitatis @ $ 29,00 (one way).

28th Jan 2006, 23:44
"Too Little, Too Late" say prairie farmers.

28th Jan 2006, 23:48
Brooklyn Beckham continues family tradition of naming child after place of conception, son Testtube born today.

Lord Lucan found guilty of harbouring Osama Bin Laden.

28th Jan 2006, 23:50
You guys to Davaar, we just our first real rain last night since September.

(Sorry, back to the thread. :O )

29th Jan 2006, 00:19
Rod Stewart takes wife #25.
This time its for real says Scottish croak...er......crooner

29th Jan 2006, 01:09
Mortal enemies Hamas and Fatah groups sign cease fire in Gaza and recognise the Chinese Socialist Arab Union.

29th Jan 2006, 01:29
Oil predicted to run out in only another 30 years or so.

Fears of global pandemic from Lizard Flu (fortunately yet to mutate to human-human transmissable form).

Federal Republic of South Zealand cuts off aid to People's Republic of North Zealand/Aotearoa because of latter's refusal to trim Welfare spending from 150% of GDP. Unemployment in North Zealand/Aotearoa now at 96%. Only people still working are those employed to build monuments to former President and UN Secretary General Helen Clark, tragically (ha!) killed by hijacked airliner crashing into Beehive, after North Zealand military (with no air combat capability) were unable to intercept it.

29th Jan 2006, 04:05
Peoples Republic of North Zealand regained control of the renegade south.
After the February 2029 decision to cut off aid to the North, the army of the peoples republic massed on the southern shores of the North Island in a show of might. Two million troops then proceeded to swim across the cook strait and invade the Federal Republic of South Zealand. The FRSZ, who had no organised defence or air systems, put up a valiant effort to repel the invaders until wave after wave of deadly cessna 172's started dropping flour bombs.
"Some of the projectiles were in fact water balloons which really hurt." said one prisnor of war, a captured federal general.
The dropped objects however did not render as much damage as the aeroplanes, some of which were 70 years old, when they suffered mechanical failure and crash-landed in the cities. Others, navigating by "NDB" radio becon (a system unique to New Zealand) would crash into the fields when trying to land to refuel with vegetable oil, setting alight the federal crops, causing widespread famine
The FRSZ responded with a scortched earth policy deciding to retreat to the safety of Fort Christchurch where they took to the skies in a hotchpotch fleet of ct-4 airtrainers, gliders and stealth microlights. Initially the Feds were concerned it would take too long to burn down the infrastructure while retreating but quickly found there want much to destroy.
A furious air battle raged over fort christchurch while the troops from the PRNZ slowly but surely recaptured the vinyards and aluminium factories around the island from the FRSZ. Within 3 months, Fort Christchurch fell to the army of the peoples republic where the cathedral was renamed in St Helens honour and the city renamed Helengrad.
The PRNZ were then free to persue their social agenda with one politician remarking 'we believe there are enough national parks, seaside property and major companies to sell in order to maintain our optimal benefit level (which is 98% of the population) for the next three years or at least until the next election.

29th Jan 2006, 04:27
Prime Minister of New Zealand Fatafehi Tu’ipelehake , claims previous headlines are untrue.
All his family have government jobs.

29th Jan 2006, 04:36
Hovercorde test flight creates Tusnami scare


29th Jan 2006, 04:50
James Cameron submersible scare in Channel Tunnel


Loose rivets
29th Jan 2006, 04:53
Hello........................hello....................anyone out there? Can anyone hear me?:sad:

Solid Rust Twotter
29th Jan 2006, 06:14
South African government admits rumours of nepotism are true.

President for Life, Clevis Mbeki admits his skill with a banjo, fourteen fingers, webbed toes, buck teeth and lisp are as a result of inbreeding among the nepotistic higher echelons of government.

29th Jan 2006, 08:21
Madonna's new music video censored, due to lack of interest in seeing an 80 year old granny, prancing half naked onscreen.

henry crun
29th Jan 2006, 08:46
The weight of the average US airline passenger drops from 450lbs to 400lbs.

Major airline CEO's say that if the trend continues they will reduce the width of seats to 40 inches and cancel the "Thin" discount. :)

29th Jan 2006, 11:41
147,024'th "Penguin" game is latest internet craze.

29th Jan 2006, 13:22
In a huge surprise....

Star War XXVIII - 'Jedi with Attitoode', beats Bollywood's Gone with the Sind XXII - 'Lassi come home', at this years 'Rakesh Awards', (formerly known as the Oscars).

29th Jan 2006, 19:05
Cilla Black returns to ITV with Blind, Incontinent, Triple Bypass, Date.

29th Jan 2006, 19:18
Tim Henman says he is learning from his mistakes and states he will
be the one to watch at Wimbledon next year! :}

Mac the Knife
29th Jan 2006, 19:20
Linus Torwalds - "Microsoft As I Remember It"

29th Jan 2006, 20:31
Danny Fyne offloads PPRune to News Ltd for huge undisclosed sum.
Windfall to be shared between his faithful "Mods" Mr Fyne says.....

29th Jan 2006, 21:04

Hollywood has sacked its orchestra, the 783 piece We-Can-Make- A-Bigger-Racket-Than-You-Can Philharmonic Orchestra, stating that its one tune, which has been used on every blockbuster since ET, through Jurassic Parks I to XXXII, Independence Day, Independence Day Revisited, Independence Day Revisited A Couple More Times For Good Measure, The Day After Tomorrow And The Next Few Days and all 52 of the Batman, Superman and Spiderman movies, is 'Probably due for a change - we need more volume.' A new tune will be composed in time for its next 159 blockbusters, possibly to be played by a 5000 triangle ensemble if the same number of drums is not available.

The latest James Bond movie will be called Doctor Possibly, following in the footsteps of Doctor No, Doctor Yes and Doctor Maybe. Doctor You Never Know Your Luck is about to be written by a 4 year old.

The latest British film from Richard Curtis will begin filming soon. In an effort to appeal to the American market the star will be an American, the co-stars will be American, all of the extras will be American, the location will be America, the language will be American English, the music will be American and it will be filmed in America. However, to aid ticket sales in the UK, British rain will be used and the cars will be supplied by BMW, an antique German car company now owned by the giant UK private motor manufacturing conglomerate TVR/Morgan/Caterham/Westfield/Noble/Reliant. Curtis is considering hiring The Tower Bridge, The Houses of Parliament and the last remaining Routemaster bus from US President Bill Gates for the obligatory London shots, even though London has nothing to do with the film.

Russia is about to turn Leo Tolstoyovski's 4,986 page short story 'The Reason Why Russia Is Such A Magnificent Nation And Its People Are All Happy, Hard-working, Honest, Well-fed And Not-at-all Pissed Off With Life 40 Years After Throwing Off The Shackles Of Communism Which Was All The Fault Of The Tsars In The First Place' into a 64 hour epic using all 3.5 million members of the Russian Army, Navy and Air Force as the cast.

Bollywood is about to film its latest version of Pride, Prejudice, Sense & Sensibility using the entire 3 billion population of India in the dancing set pieces.

Loose rivets
31st Jan 2006, 04:42
America now has so many cars, that none of them can move. Vehicles designed to run on top of stationary cars are selling well.

31st Jan 2006, 10:50
Oil drilling commences in Antarctica

Kalium Chloride
31st Jan 2006, 11:26
US Post Office raises price of stamp to 100 yen.

Buster Hyman
31st Jan 2006, 11:37
Ozjet officially the number one global carrier.
Paul Stoddart was quoted as saying, "I really didn't think the 732's would last this long!"

31st Jan 2006, 12:27
This week's jackpot stands at almost €18 billion or €17,940,000,000 to be exact. Which would have been about £12 billion before the UK joined the Euro in 2010. Noone has come up with the 5 numbers and 2 lucky stars since early 2006. You have uptil 7pm Friday evening to play...

31st Jan 2006, 12:32
B52H's latest sortie 'may have got bin Laden, or at least his deputy' says a hologram of Donald Rumsfeld.

DC3 wins 'Airframe Of The Century (And The Last One Too)'. Flypast of 150 DC3's still in commercial service.

Adelaide Airport due to open soon after resolution of fuel line contamination problem. Scramjets don't mind mud in the fuel.

Lord Branson patents (and markets) 'Virgin virgins', buys old slogan 'The Real Thing' from Coca Cola.

Poms hopeful of repeating 2005 Ashes triumph.

31st Jan 2006, 12:39
An enterprising newspaper editor ran the headline "The Pope - no news!" splashed across the news-stand banner-boards when sales had flagged. Thousands of customers bought the edition and searched in vain for the article, only to find that the banners had been correct, and there was, indeed, no news about the Pope!

31st Jan 2006, 12:58
United-American-Delta-Northwest-Continental-US Airlines exits Chapter 11.

United-American-Delta-Northwest-Continental-US Airlines re-enters Chapter 11.

US Congress (now officially hereditary) refuses to lift 25% maximum foreign holding of airline shares and mandates all US-registered aircraft to use flat-earth navigation in accordance with biblical authority.

President Fatima bin Aziz of Arabia chides USA for failing to uphold democratic standards.

France buys NASA.

31st Jan 2006, 13:11
France buys NASA. :ok: "Houston, nous avons un problème..."

31st Jan 2006, 13:30
Roo must be joking!

England cricket coach, Lord Sir Andrew Flintoff today laughed off Aussie cricket captain Jason Minogue’s boast that this will be the year that Australia finally regain the ashes.

“To be fair” he said, “they haven’t really given us a game since the Botham lads were advertising Shredded Wheat with their grandfather, Ian. The Aussies will know that bringing a 61 year old Shane Warne out of retirement for the ’27 series was a mistake. Not least because of the negative message they were sending children that you could play for your country while weighing 500 pounds. So, I don’t expect them to pick him for this series, even though he’s still Australia’s only spinner.

Anyway, I’m more concerned with our team. This could be the series that sees the Botham’s beat their own record for a 3rd wicket millenium partnership. We all remember their 1,015 run stand at the MCG in ’25, but both lads are confident they can surpass that this time round”.

Australian cricket coach Dame Edna Everage was not available for comment.

Burnt Fishtrousers
31st Jan 2006, 19:22
Nottingham on Sea wins "Best value resort" for the second year

"Grampian Rock" wins "Best value wine" according to the Morrisons and Spencer good wine survey.

Newcastle to Carlisle Ferry service opens

Prime Minister, Jeremy Clarkson, assasinated by Green Peace protester driving classic Range Rover that runs on cow dung.

Cheltenham Town win FA cup

As aviation technology advances post Concorde Easy Jet buy fleet of Vicker Vimys for their Luton-on-Sea to Isle of Cornwall sevice

Automotive Passive safety fears as Man has arguement with his Mercedes Benz Z class over driving too fast. Car seeks legal advice for "automotive abuse"

Re runs of "Shameless" used in schools curriculum to give an incite as to upper class values of the past

31st Jan 2006, 21:20
How can France buy NASA if this is true?

France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica.

31st Jan 2006, 21:39
NASA discovers domestic robots do suffer from midlife crises.

31st Jan 2006, 21:44
Con-Pilot wrote
How can France buy NASA if this is true?
France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica.

France got global help.

After takeover of NASA, French film industry gears up to making innumerable films about male domestic robots that suffer from midlife crises but then cure these crises through having affairs with astoundingly beautiful young female domestic robots.

31st Jan 2006, 23:03
Google launches new product 'Google Home'. This indexes all the items in your house so that you can easily Google that missing piece of the jigsaw puzzle or your wife's earring that rolled under the bed. Larry and Sergey deny that this involves an invasion of privacy.

In other news, Google confirm their relocation to Shanghai, citing greater intellectual freedom than in the USA. 'In any case, we want to be nearer our shareholders', a spokesperson said.

Romeo Delta
1st Feb 2006, 00:16
Cubs believe this is finally their year.

1st Feb 2006, 01:30
500lb, 61 year old Shane Warne demolishes England with his super slow m-y-s-t-e-r-y balls, bowling off a half metre runup while phoning person/s unknown with his free hand.

Venting their frustration at the devilish cunning of Warne's attack, the Botham twins demolish the England change rooms using powerful sweep strokes as taught by their grandfather. The ruckus annoys 69 year old Geoffrey Boycott practising his defensive strokes in the nearby nets in case his style of play ever comes back into fashion.

Trueman, Greig and Blofeld form a powerful carpet bowls team at their nursing home.

1st Feb 2006, 04:05
Sir Leo Lexxington, well-known playboy heart-throb, agrees to City demands that he pay more attention to his airline empire FERBIA (Franco Easy Ryan British Italian Airways).

Mysterious near-octagenarian financial wizard called Angels withdraws threat to repossess FERBIA's aircraft and give them away as prizes with packets of his Greenwich Rolls brand of sweets. "Best use I could think of for them" he had said.

1st Feb 2006, 11:31
England win something at sport, but amazingly finally realise that the rest of the world couldn't give a to$$:}

1st Feb 2006, 16:23
" Queen to step down for Prince Charles"

1st Feb 2006, 17:31
Jean-Luc de Draper,the great grandson of Tony is elected as lord defender of the French protectorate of Tyneside.

Meanwhile Draper concludes his invasion of Ireland by replacing all governmental buildings with garden sheds and a new law is passed replacing schooling of children with mandatory viewing of UKTV history channel.

The beatification of Fred Dibner is announced and he is to be the patron saint of all things that are not french!

1st Feb 2006, 18:29
African airlines fail IOSA audits again, vow to phase out DC9's and 737-200's by 2050...........

1st Feb 2006, 18:37
Queen Camilla gives birth after IVF treatment.

The palace states." Mother and twin foals are doing well!"

1st Feb 2006, 19:04
Government pressure for MOD redundancies forces RAF to split and form Royal Flying Corps and Royal Naval Air Service.

In other news: RFC Hendon only base with serviceable aircraft.

1st Feb 2006, 19:05
Ireland becomes the first Western European country to repeal the smoking ban and the ban on fast food outlets.Pressure on Health and Pension costs as a result of high life expectancy has seen the country brought to the brink of bankruptsy.A short statement from the Minister of Health (81) states that he is "looking forward to getting his pub back"
:E :E

2nd Feb 2006, 07:45
Mumbai, Associated Press.

Among all the brouhaha surrounding this year's multiple Oscar Winner, Pride and Extreme Prejudice, a Hollywood movie became the first American pic to bring home a coveted statuette for eight years.

Zelda Jolie-Laide, daughter of Angelina Jolie and estranged wife of director Andy Laide, is the proud winner of 'Best Supporting Actress' in the remake of A Star is Born.

'This shows that Hollywood has the stuff to make great movies again', said a Tinseltown journalist.

Jolie-Laide was asked whether Hollywood has become too devoid of ideas and inbred in recent years. 'Nah', she said, 'and besides, webbed feet are cool this year.'

2nd Feb 2006, 11:56
President for life and Supreme Being of the Australian Democratic People’s Republic, Sir John Howard, has promised to consider an "orderly and timely" handover to “my trusty deputy” Sir Peter Costello before the next election is due in 2055, despite Sir Peter’s untimely death at a barbeque celebrating his victory at the 2007 election.

His Eternal Glorious Majesty Howard has now declared unemployment in ADPR officially eradicated, having created 55 million new jobs since his government (now deceased) came to power in 1996. 54 million of these jobs are in call centres in Mumbai and “some other place over there”, 990,000 are in casinos, and the rest are ambassadorial positions occupied by the Howard family, His Royal Highness James Packer and his wife Her Majesty Lady Anna Nicole Smith, and Lord Lachlan Murdoch.

2nd Feb 2006, 12:06
ADPR accedes sovereignty to PRNZ

2nd Feb 2006, 13:19
Riots in Streets of Mumbai.

All Peaceful in Nimbin.

Buster Hyman
3rd Feb 2006, 07:55
Binoculars & Mark Latham arrested over plot to slander ALP!:E :ouch: