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Parapunter
27th Jan 2006, 13:29
The country where tourists are most likely to be killed or injured is Switzerland. On paper it is more dangerous than South Africa, Brazil and Zimbabwe (the figures are skewed by skiing holidays.):zzz:

whiz
27th Jan 2006, 13:33
96.2% of statistics are made up :8

ex_matelot
27th Jan 2006, 13:35
A group of 12 or more cows is called a ''flink''.

timmcat
27th Jan 2006, 13:36
There was another thread which started out something like this ............

Jerricho
27th Jan 2006, 13:39
The life expectancy of a beer bubble outside of a glass is 1 minute.

Bud Lite's new advertising spokesman is The Duke.

BlueDiamond
27th Jan 2006, 13:42
More people are killed per annum by coconuts falling on their heads than are killed by shark attack. :uhoh:

airship
27th Jan 2006, 13:47
More people every year die as a result of being kicked in their coconuts than from having their coconuts fall on their heads...

Jerricho
27th Jan 2006, 13:49
There was another thread which started out something like this ............

Yeah, but that has it's roots in a little bit of fact................. :E

topcat450
27th Jan 2006, 13:53
You're never more than 6ft away from a coconut anywhere in the world

Ozzy
27th Jan 2006, 13:56
Bats always turn left when exiting a cave!

Ozzy

ex_matelot
27th Jan 2006, 13:58
No,they are only the female bats Ozzy cos they cant turn right at junctions:}

The SSK
27th Jan 2006, 14:06
The last time I saw the statistics, the country with the highest murder rate in the world was Lesotho.

It's also the country with the highest lowest point in the world.

airship
27th Jan 2006, 14:09
You're never more than 6ft away from a coconut anywhere in the world But they're not always as creamy as you'd (want) to believe... ;) :{

BlueDiamond
27th Jan 2006, 14:09
It's also the country with the highest lowest point in the world.
But does it have any coconuts? :rolleyes:

Whatever happened to her, by the way? She seems to have disappeared.

PerArdua
27th Jan 2006, 14:11
10% of the people reading this thread are left handed

100% of polar bears reading this thread are left handed

PA

Jerricho
27th Jan 2006, 14:12
100% of polar bears reading this thread are left handed
PA

Not ture mate. The one that lives in our basement is right handed, and he is reading this thread. Sorry.

tony draper
27th Jan 2006, 14:19
Polar Bears are not white they are actually black,but for some reason the polar bear is the only creature in nature that the human eyes sees in negative.
:cool:

Non Normal
27th Jan 2006, 14:22
Polar bears, seen from the female perspective, are coloured ivory, not white.

Gainesy
27th Jan 2006, 14:23
No polar bear was ever killed by a falling coconut.

Most polar bears are not called Pete.

Parapunter
27th Jan 2006, 14:24
Polar Bears share 98% of their DNA with Coconuts. The other 2% is owned by coconut covering snowball confectionery manufacturer Tunnocks.

Gainesy
27th Jan 2006, 14:27
Fallin Polarnuts are responsible for the death of most Cocobears.

ex_matelot
27th Jan 2006, 14:30
10% of polar bears are employed by Fox's glacier mints.The other 3 do matress testing and stuff like that.

A polar bears liver,if eaten by a human,would kill you due to having too many vitamins innit.

airship
27th Jan 2006, 14:33
The polar bear's favourite softdrink is ice-cold Coke, or so I'm lead to believe. Due to global warming though, it's envisaged that the polar bear's favourite softdrink will be PG Tips (in the pyramid bags) ca. 2050... :}

Non Normal
27th Jan 2006, 14:35
Coconut has registered its coconutty colour as trademark and tried to sue polar bear for infringement.

Mr Chips
27th Jan 2006, 14:37
Polar bears used to be green until the Coca Cola marketing department decided to make them white

frostbite
27th Jan 2006, 14:38
No polar bears were harmed as a result of reading this thread.

BlueDiamond
27th Jan 2006, 14:38
Polar bears like Bundaberg rum, however, polar bears do not live in Bundaberg ... drop bears do.

Ozzy
27th Jan 2006, 14:40
If you are stood in a house and the four walls of said house all face south, then the colour of the bear you see padding by the window is white!:ok:

Ozzy

airship
27th Jan 2006, 14:44
The Ming dynasty lasted almost 3 centuries. The Bush one is in its 16th year. All I'm really interested in knowing is where I can get a hold of some 'Bush' vases... ;)

(The tenuous connection is obviously the...White House.) :uhoh:

Parapunter
27th Jan 2006, 14:48
http://i1.tinypic.com/mmq3wj.jpg
Cocobears exist at the frozen wastes of the polarnut.

tony draper
27th Jan 2006, 14:49
Polar bears can't actually swim, they simply walk along a dense layer that exists half a meter below the surface of polar seas known as the secondary surface tension barrier,this gives the appearence of swimming, the polar bear is the only creature in nature to utilise this phenomenon.
:cool:

ex_matelot
27th Jan 2006, 14:54
The word 'polarity' actually means-ones likeness to that of a polar bear

Gouabafla
27th Jan 2006, 14:57
The polar bear's favourite drink is not Coke, it's Cresta. It's frothy man!

No polar bear has ever won a medal in the winter olympics.

The word 'polarity' actually means-ones likeness to that of a polar bear
There is a second meaning, which is to laugh at polar bear jokes.

BlueDiamond
27th Jan 2006, 14:57
Do polar bears suffer from bi-polar disorder? If you hit them on the head with a coconut would it cure them?

airship
27th Jan 2006, 14:58
100% of polar bears interviewed did not know there's an Antarctic. When the question "If such a place existed, would they want to emigrate?" was posed, the most frequent response was: "Hmmm, well, the ice is always whiter on the other side..." :suspect:

ex_matelot
27th Jan 2006, 14:59
If a bi-polar polar bear wore glasses-he would be the most stupid looking polar bear in Wales.

ex_matelot
27th Jan 2006, 15:00
Polar bears do not live in Wales however but they were invented in Poland.

Jerricho
27th Jan 2006, 15:01
Pilot bears may be bi-polar, but are certainly nuts.

tony draper
27th Jan 2006, 15:04
Another unique feature of black Polar Bear fur is,it is not subject to wind resistance or drag, but it is susceptible to gravity,ergo a polar bear dropped from a height of thirty thousand feet would not reach a fixed terminal velocity as any normal falling body would, but would continue to accelerate impacting the ground at many thousands of miles per hour.
It is now thought that dinosaur extinction itself may have been caused not by a asteroid,but by a large polar bear impacting in the area of the gulf of Mexico.
:cool:

BALIX
27th Jan 2006, 15:05
Certainly Nuts are the third best selling brand of dry roasted peanut in Japan.

Well, we had to get off polar bears sometime, didn't we?

ex_matelot
27th Jan 2006, 15:06
The US military is currently carrying out 'tests' to see whether polar bear related munitions are feasible or not.

a stealth bomber can easily carry 2 polar bears under each wing but a B52 can carry 16.5 of them

Jerricho
27th Jan 2006, 15:07
Which would come in handy when the US invades Canada........stealth bombers and stealth bombs.

Gouabafla
27th Jan 2006, 15:07
Polar bears have been known to eat peanuts, but in the wild they tend to prefer pistachios.

Send Clowns
27th Jan 2006, 15:07
And ironically, peanuts are certainly not nuts! They are pulses.

Solid Rust Twotter
27th Jan 2006, 15:08
Shark liver contains enough Vitamin A to give you a permanent orange Afro and make you glow in the dark.

Jerricho
27th Jan 2006, 15:09
A pulse? That's just optional.

BALIX
27th Jan 2006, 15:10
You've got pulses all round your body, including one in your willy. (As long as you've got a willy, that is...)

Jerricho
27th Jan 2006, 15:11
Boys have a penis, girls have a vagina.

BALIX
27th Jan 2006, 15:20
Carole Smillie is appearing in the Vagina Monologues in Glasgow next month. Apparently hers is fluent in seven different languages.

BlueDiamond
27th Jan 2006, 15:37
Is that 'cos they have no nuts?

airship
27th Jan 2006, 15:42
In a recent survey of N. American polar bears responding to the question "Should Canada hold all rights to the North-West passage if or when one becomes available in the future?":

3 out of 10 said "Yes, but only if they build a few bridges for us bears."
3 out of 10 said "Yes, but only if the guvermint reverts to natural means in order to cull the seal population."
4 out of 10 said "Hmmm, I dunno. But I think maybe it's a bad idea. Or it may be good. Look, why don't you ask my cousin Panda. He's good at hedging stuff...!" ;)

Capt.KAOS
27th Jan 2006, 15:43
Polar bears hate mondays...

http://www.funnyhub.com/videos/img/lazy-polar-bear.jpg

pigboat
27th Jan 2006, 20:58
Carole Smillie is appearing in the Vagina Monologues in Glasgow next month. Apparently hers is fluent in seven different languages.

...all of which contain the common expression "Hi men!"

Bandit *bob*
27th Jan 2006, 22:08
Contrary to popular belief, Polar Bears do not just reside in the polar regions, but are also found on tropical islands....Have you "Lost" interest?

Romeo Delta
27th Jan 2006, 22:15
Many polar bears have gone through a domestication process... Several were flown to Warsaw, and are now Pol-ish Bears. Some were shipped to Washington DC to be come Pol-itcal Bears. Some were taught to dance, and became Pole-Dancing bears.

The Cargo line that did all the transport? It's obvious. Polar Air.

419
27th Jan 2006, 22:21
But if you were to sneak up on one, and shave its fur off, it would then become a Polar bare.

sprocket
27th Jan 2006, 22:39
Polar bears will not talk to just any Tom Dick or vag-ina.

tony draper
27th Jan 2006, 23:10
Another unique little known fact about the polar bear is they dont actualy have any skin or fur, rather like hermit crabs,they have a furry shell,so as they grow they have to find a new bigger fur shell, climb out of their old shell and climb into the new one,then they hide in a cave until it softens up enough for them to walk about in.

This is one of the facts that points to why intelligent design overtaking the theory of evolution in the southern states of America
Go on then Mr Feckin Dawkins,explain the fur shell!
:cool:

ex_matelot
27th Jan 2006, 23:22
You've been at those French vintages again Monsieur Draper!

Polar bears cant jump!

Davaar
27th Jan 2006, 23:37
_____________________________
100% of polar bears reading this thread are left handed
PA
_____________________________

Does that make this a left-handed thread? Oh screw it.

I Love This Show
27th Jan 2006, 23:42
George Foreman has no fingerprints

allan907
28th Jan 2006, 00:23
Polar bears in this part of Western Australia have evolved over the millenia and are no longer white. They are a sandy colour with splotches of green, black and russet red - and they drive trucks, landrovers and APCs. Must be true 'cos I've just seen a whole load of 'em buying the Saturday paper at the roadhouse!

RiskyRossco
28th Jan 2006, 06:13
Ppolar bears are not, contrary to evolutionary or marketing theory, native to Japan. Contrary to artistic licence they do not eat pingwings, either.
Most of a polar bear's diet, hundreds of years ago, consisted of polar hares until the hares became extinct. This was due to the fact they could burrow only 3 mnths out of the year.

B Fraser
28th Jan 2006, 06:58
If you look at a polar bear through a polarised lens, would it disappear ?

A diet of nothing but fish and fur...... you can have too much of a good thing :E

RiskyRossco
28th Jan 2006, 07:31
There are holes in the sky where the rain gets but the rain doesn't mind 'cos it's very thin.
Not many know that dark air gives no lift. That's why birds don't try to fly at night. They also are highly un-wind resistant but they don't fall, usually, to the climax of a short, wet >cheep<.
Flies have 10 000 swear words. They usually begin with 'F-' and end in '-ucking windows!'

Exhaust Manifold
28th Jan 2006, 10:51
Polar bears have teeth :ok:

I.R.PIRATE
28th Jan 2006, 10:57
A polar bear, when standing on the north pole, faces south, no matter which direction he faces.

A polar bear, when standing on the south pole, faces north, no matter which direction he faces.

stue
28th Jan 2006, 11:06
What happens when he looks at the ground??

I.R.PIRATE
28th Jan 2006, 11:07
he sees his feet sir

stue
28th Jan 2006, 11:13
Clever Clogs!

Anyway, did you know that polar bears dont have any feet?

I.R.PIRATE
28th Jan 2006, 11:20
Polar bears call their paws feet

steinycans
28th Jan 2006, 11:25
polar bears have feet but they dont have yards

stue
28th Jan 2006, 11:27
or wiskers

BlueDiamond
28th Jan 2006, 11:32
Well if they don't have yards, where do they hang their washing? Hmmm?

I.R.PIRATE
28th Jan 2006, 11:37
they dont do washing, they just wear a new polarbear suit every day

broadreach
28th Jan 2006, 11:38
It is a little-known fact that a polar bear will never embarass you if you bring it along to a party. Brown bears are an entirely different case.

BenThere
28th Jan 2006, 11:39
Polar bears mate for life and the father raises the cubs.

steinycans
28th Jan 2006, 11:41
Polar Bear is not recognised by the UN as a nationality.

I.R.PIRATE
28th Jan 2006, 11:43
polar bears cant read either

I.R.PIRATE
28th Jan 2006, 11:55
parrots have feathers.......:yuk: :eek: :uhoh:

stue
28th Jan 2006, 11:58
but no paws or feet:E

I.R.PIRATE
28th Jan 2006, 12:03
urghgh parrots have very scary scaly nasty nasty toes.....sis parrots:yuk:

stue
28th Jan 2006, 12:07
But, did you know that parrots cant fly??

I.R.PIRATE
28th Jan 2006, 12:09
parrots do fly, scary scary parrots:bored:

handysnaks
28th Jan 2006, 12:12
If you stood all of the worlds coconuts end to end and all of the world polar bears and to end they would reach exactly the same height!

stue
28th Jan 2006, 12:19
If you stood all the world parrots on top of all the world coconuts they would reach half the height of all the worlds polar bears

BlueDiamond
28th Jan 2006, 12:21
Polar bears can't say, "Pieces of eight." Neither can coconuts.

tony draper
28th Jan 2006, 12:27
The Parrot was unknown in Europe until 1723,therefore the Parrot in the famous painting La Gioconda,(The Mona Lisa,for the uneducated prooner)is not actually a Parrot but a model dressed up like a Rainbow Sparrow,which has since become extinct and is now unknown in Europe,the Parrot of course has taken over the ecological niche once occupied by the Rainbow Sparrow.
:cool:

BlueDiamond
28th Jan 2006, 12:33
That would be an ex-sparrow then. Are there ex-polar bears?

R4+Z
28th Jan 2006, 13:23
You have to watch the mood swings when you get two polar bears together. (Bi polar disorder).

ex_matelot
28th Jan 2006, 13:28
Whats teh correct way to address a 'polar bear' should one encounter one at the equator??

This has always puzzled me and I require clarification to save any future embarassment.

I.R.PIRATE
28th Jan 2006, 13:28
Sparrots are merely figments of other feathered things overzealous imagination.

tony draper
28th Jan 2006, 13:37
Met a pooch in ones Park that was a cross betwixt a Jack Russel and Minature Poodle,they are known a Jackadoodles,this is perfectly true.
Frinstance a cross betwixt a Labradore and a Poodle is a Labradoodle amd between a certain type of Spaniel and a Poodle is a Cockadoodle
:cool:

I.R.PIRATE
28th Jan 2006, 13:40
and a snake and a crocodile mate and create snockodiles

Davaar
28th Jan 2006, 13:46
Come! Come! Ex. That was well known, even to the Romans: Salve et Vale! or in the English: Hail and Farewell! The shorter the interval between the words, the better.

Capn Notarious
28th Jan 2006, 13:47
Many Polar Bears have travelled in nets slung under helicopters. This happens in place called Churchill. The white Ursus Maritimus, do not go to town shopping, however they do raid laden bins but as yet they have not found him.Snakes and crocodiles do not live in snowy wilds

This post which does not contain nuts, was edited on account of technical errors.

tony draper
28th Jan 2006, 13:50
One supects you just made that up Mr Pirate the "diles" in crocodiles indicates to us edumacated folk that the critter possesses toes,which we edumacated folk also know is sadly lackin in yer average serpent,although it is true to say that snakes did indeed have toes in the dim and distant past,so they probably still posses the information to build a toe in their DNA should toes ever become fashionably among snakekind again,one of course also assumes they also still own the leg constructing DNA in order to have something to hang said toes from the end of.
:cool:
Again one hates to correct a fellow prooner but yer Polar Bear is Ursus Maritimus)Capn N, not Ursa Majoris, which in fact is a circumpolar constelation in the Northern Hemisphere.

I.R.PIRATE
28th Jan 2006, 13:55
crocodilian types have toes

Davaar
28th Jan 2006, 14:10
I used to know a Swiss chap, name of Urs. Sometimes it was hard to bear his company.

BlueDiamond
28th Jan 2006, 14:15
I can bearly believe you said that, Davaar. :rolleyes:

tony draper
28th Jan 2006, 14:21
Well the name Arthur is derived from Ursa or Uther which in fact just means Bear,King Arthurs Pappy was called Uther,although one is not sure if he was married to Arthurs mum when the pappying took place.
:cool:

I.R.PIRATE
28th Jan 2006, 14:40
Which brings me to the next point : Ursa Minor, or the little bear.....

ex_matelot
28th Jan 2006, 14:52
Polar bears should always be seated to the left of an archbishop at a dinner party.

Jerricho
28th Jan 2006, 14:54
A rooster is an interesting aminal as it has a cock and a doodle too.

I.R.PIRATE
28th Jan 2006, 14:56
or maybe a dingo.........

Jerricho
28th Jan 2006, 14:58
Boys have a penis, hens have a rooster.

ex_matelot
28th Jan 2006, 15:02
But how should a rooster address a polar bear in a formal situation??

Jerricho
28th Jan 2006, 15:05
Male polar bears don't eat roosters, but female ones sure do.............

I.R.PIRATE
28th Jan 2006, 15:08
do female polar bears spit or swallow the feathers.....

Exhaust Manifold
28th Jan 2006, 15:09
so female polar bears like cock

I.R.PIRATE
28th Jan 2006, 15:20
cock-a-doodle-dont

ILS32
28th Jan 2006, 15:22
Polar bears only rides a bicycle when there's an R in the month.

Exhaust Manifold
28th Jan 2006, 15:22
Yankee doodle went to town riding on a polar bear

Jerricho
28th Jan 2006, 15:24
so female polar bears like cock

Most of them, except the ones names Ellen or Rosie.

I.R.PIRATE
28th Jan 2006, 15:25
polar bears make good riding

Exhaust Manifold
28th Jan 2006, 15:28
They also make very nice coffee

stue
28th Jan 2006, 15:29
Polar bears never actually die, they just go to a far away place in the sky..........

Elvis is there too!

I.R.PIRATE
28th Jan 2006, 15:30
I am sometimes a polar bear

miazaky
28th Jan 2006, 15:30
45% of all Elvis impersonators have wrestled shrews and won

BlueDiamond
28th Jan 2006, 15:32
I've never made coffee out of polar bears, I usually use coffee beans.

stue
28th Jan 2006, 15:34
55% of Elvis impersonators are actually polar bears

Exhaust Manifold
28th Jan 2006, 15:42
elvis was a polar bear

Gouabafla
28th Jan 2006, 15:51
elvis was a polar bear
... and he appeared in commercials for Cresta (it's frothy man) in the UK during the 1970s.

Exhaust Manifold
28th Jan 2006, 15:54
I've never made coffee out of polar bears, I usually use coffee beans.

I use coffee bears ;)

I.R.PIRATE
28th Jan 2006, 16:05
Polar bears make white coffee.....cold too

Capn Notarious
28th Jan 2006, 16:15
If you see a polar bear in the Hindu Kush he is lost. Possibly due to malfunction of the Globearbal Positioning System.

I.R.PIRATE
28th Jan 2006, 16:28
Without his GPS he could not get a decent bearing

Capn Notarious
28th Jan 2006, 16:34
Decent bearings are made by engineers who know about the making of Decent bearings.
A kite unlike an aircraft does not need bearings. Once heard of a chap that put his transciever antenna on a kite at 200+feet. One reckons his propagation was rather good.

I.R.PIRATE
28th Jan 2006, 16:36
polar bears propogate at an alarming rate

Exhaust Manifold
28th Jan 2006, 16:37
I.R.PIRATE is bearing everything

Main_Tenant
28th Jan 2006, 16:37
The small ridge around the edge of a ten-pence piece is called a Pern.

Romeo Delta
28th Jan 2006, 16:39
Possibly due to malfunction of the Globearbal Positioning System.

And here I thought GPS stood for Global Polarbear System.

A kite, a skate, and a polar bear walk into an Irish pub...

I.R.PIRATE
28th Jan 2006, 16:39
cocks have wattles

Capn Notarious
28th Jan 2006, 16:46
A kite, a skate, and a polar bear walk into an Irish pub...

A kite being a bird should have flown.
A skate being a fish should have swum.
A polar bear should have gambolled, but did not as he was forbidden to bet.

miazaky
28th Jan 2006, 16:49
Polar Bears on average make 5 trips to casinos a year

I.R.PIRATE
28th Jan 2006, 16:51
Would those be the poker bears?

Main_Tenant
28th Jan 2006, 16:55
A vision without action is called a daydream. Action without vision is called a nightmare.

Exhaust Manifold
28th Jan 2006, 16:56
Fact: never beat a poker bear at poker :ouch:

Jerricho
28th Jan 2006, 16:58
There was a Polar Bear from Minnesotta,

all the other bears wanted to poker.

I.R.PIRATE
28th Jan 2006, 17:02
dnacing is the vertical expression of a horizontal desire. polar bears dance very well

Capn Notarious
28th Jan 2006, 17:03
When the rabbit catcher hurt his back. An associate loosened him up, with domesticated polecat inside the poor sufferers trousers. In rural areas this is known as physio ferret p
A polar bear would not respond to such an intervention.

Jerricho
28th Jan 2006, 17:13
Strewth..........how much can a koala bear?

I.R.PIRATE
28th Jan 2006, 17:15
depends on the breadth of his bear shoulders.

Capn Notarious
28th Jan 2006, 17:17
Strewth..........how much can a koala bear?
Dunno. Koala is a single engined helicopter made by Agusta; big enough to lift a bear in netting. Not fishnets as Polar bears don't as a rule wear stockings.

I.R.PIRATE
28th Jan 2006, 17:28
Polar bears and pirate, hate the word :" GUSSET"

Capn Notarious
28th Jan 2006, 17:34
Regarding the polar bear underneath the helicopter at Churchill.
Was he in Suspenders?

Ozzy
28th Jan 2006, 17:36
Polar bears love fur coats. Except if the fur is seal, they prefer the flesh.

Ozzy

I.R.PIRATE
28th Jan 2006, 17:41
Polar bears support the clubbing of seals

G-CPTN
28th Jan 2006, 18:05
DO seals go clubbing? :confused:

I.R.PIRATE
28th Jan 2006, 18:09
Well this one time, a seal walked into a club......

Taildragger55
28th Jan 2006, 18:12
Polar bears eyes cannot recognise the colour beige. Many penguin varieties have therefore taken to wearing cardigans for camouflage.

Polar bears sometimes hide their black nose behind a pawful of snow when sneaking up on eskimos. The smarter eskimos have taken to strewing pepper on the snow and listening for sneezes.

Polar bears are not interested in glacier mints. They prefer polor mints.

G-CPTN
28th Jan 2006, 18:14
Polar bears eyes cannot recognise the colour beige. Many penguin varieties have therefore taken to wearing cardigans for camouflage.


Do polar bears attack penguins at the equator?

I.R.PIRATE
28th Jan 2006, 18:23
Polar bears are visible from outer space

tony draper
28th Jan 2006, 18:26
The compass developed by the Polar Bear is a interesting piece of kit,the entire compass rose(dial to the uneducated prooner) consists entierly of S'es
South,South South by South,South South South,South by South South,ect ect
:cool:
Acker Bilk used to wear a Bowler Hat.

I.R.PIRATE
28th Jan 2006, 18:30
That would only be true if referring to the Arctic polar bear

Romeo Delta
28th Jan 2006, 18:44
A bowler hat worn by a polar bear is a Polar Bowler.

Few polar bears wear bowler hats, as the polar bear is not very good at accessorizing.

Last year several polar bear cubs celebrated Halloween by laying black licorice strips across their backs and going door to door as zebras.

Zebras like bowler hats.

I.R.PIRATE
28th Jan 2006, 18:46
Polar bears bowl zebras over

G-CPTN
28th Jan 2006, 19:09
Talking of Bowling - who was Ally?

Romeo Delta
28th Jan 2006, 19:50
She's a rail-skinny lawyer chick from Boston. Polar Bears would use her as a toothpick.

I.R.PIRATE
28th Jan 2006, 20:13
Ally was immortalised by Mickey D's with their low fat Ally MacMeal

Exhaust Manifold
28th Jan 2006, 21:04
Made for polar bears who need to lose weight

lexxity
28th Jan 2006, 21:10
The burgers mostly tasted of Zebra, but were made of tofu.

Capn Notarious
28th Jan 2006, 21:14
Polar Bears don't need to lose weight, reduction of body mass index comes naturally. I never seen a Polar Bear up close, to do so would mean cold weather and a ride in a Twin Otter.
Methinks there bain't be no Twotter flights, from Manchester to the ice flows.

I.R.PIRATE
28th Jan 2006, 21:14
tofu is better than cardboard

Jerricho
28th Jan 2006, 21:22
Polar Bears don't like cardboard, unless it's a pizza box

I.R.PIRATE
28th Jan 2006, 21:24
Polar bears cant order pizza by phone.

Main_Tenant
28th Jan 2006, 21:52
There are many different types of wedgie. A wedgie from the front is called a melvin. A wedgie from both sides (often performed by two people) is called a mervin. A wedgie in which the victim's underwear is hung on a doorknob or something high up is called a hanging wedgie.

ThreadBaron
28th Jan 2006, 21:58
"We turn right here. Right, right I said!"

Polar bears make inadequate chauffers.

singaporegirl
28th Jan 2006, 22:00
But they're not bad polar dancers.

Romeo Charlie
28th Jan 2006, 22:02
Polar Bears are usually inverted in November

ThreadBaron
28th Jan 2006, 22:17
Polar bears were invented in November.

G-CPTN
28th Jan 2006, 22:24
There are many different types of wedgie. A wedgie from the front is called a melvin. A wedgie from both sides (often performed by two people) is called a mervin. A wedgie in which the victim's underwear is hung on a doorknob or something high up is called a hanging wedgie.

So what's a wedgie-ben?

Send Clowns
28th Jan 2006, 22:26
One only done from the left

G-CPTN
28th Jan 2006, 22:38
More than you're ever likely to read about wedgies:-
http://www.waltermillerhomepage.com/wo3.htm




Mrs G-CPTN has requested me to point out that the gaps between things are called interstices.

sprocket
28th Jan 2006, 23:25
Lights do not emit energy. They actually 'vacuum' dark and light is the only thing that remains in the vicinity.
When a lightbulb fails it is actually 'full' of dark, hence the visual blackness in the bulb/lamp, replacing the bulb with an empty one ensures ongoing vacuuming of the dark again.

Melliandra
28th Jan 2006, 23:48
Sorry sprocket, I think you're wrong about the vacuuming lights.

Light bulbs actually contain two caged dwarves from different clans. Every time you turn on the light switch you open the dwaves cages. A battle ensues and the resulting sparks by their swords causes the light.

Send Clowns
28th Jan 2006, 23:50
Everyone knows that! And they have to be well-matched, as the bulb blows when one wins, hence the best bulbs last longer (the dwarves are not necessarily better fighters, that is a common misapprehension - they are just more closely matched).

That reminds me of a joke: How many mice does it take to screw ina lightbulb?

Two, if they can avoid being injured by the dwarves!

con-pilot
28th Jan 2006, 23:55
NO! You are both wrong.

It is fireflies that make light bulbs work. Little tiny ones sitting on a bit of string.

sprocket
28th Jan 2006, 23:57
Sorry sprocket, I think you're wrong about the vacuuming lights.

Light bulbs actually contain two caged dwarves from different clans. Every time you turn on the light switch you open the dwaves cages. A battle ensues and the resulting sparks by their swords causes the light.


... Ha, you can't pull that one on me Mel et al. I have pages and pages of documented evidence. :E

Exhaust Manifold
29th Jan 2006, 00:09
Polar bears are good at guarding evidence

Romeo Delta
29th Jan 2006, 00:11
NO! You are both wrong.
It is fireflies that make light bulbs work. Little tiny ones sitting on a bit of string.

How many fireflies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two. How they got in there I have no idea...

The honest truth about lightbulbs is that they are lit using monofilament technology created by an alien race of large headed little grey men. Everyone thinks they're hairless, but the reality of it is that they are very hairy at birth, and are shaved by the birthing doctor who then bags the hair and ships it for use in lightbulbs.

The lightbulbs are the covertly transported from their nearby solar system, and put up for sale by Earth's intelligence operatives to fine establishments everywhere, who then resell it to the consuming public.

Polar bears don't like lightbulbs. They can smell the burning alien hair.

Melliandra
29th Jan 2006, 00:12
RD!!! That was supposed to be a secret! The dwarves was a cover story.

You've blown it now... The little grey men (in white coats) are on their way down to get you now!

Exhaust Manifold
29th Jan 2006, 00:13
watch those probes :E

Mr Chips
29th Jan 2006, 00:16
Polar Bears are actually little grey men in white coats

Melliandra
29th Jan 2006, 00:18
Polar bears (aka men in white coats) are, like mice, experimenting on the planet. However they do this in different ways to the mice, mice use laboratories for experiments. Polar bears use lavatories.

Exhaust Manifold
29th Jan 2006, 00:18
Ones that escaped before they got shaved

BlueDiamond
29th Jan 2006, 00:40
Polar bears prefer backstroke when swimming and are very good at swimming in a straight line. They are also very fast swimmers. Coconuts are not very good at swimming; they simply bob about the ocean in a random manner. Scientists believe this may be due to a lack of competitive instinct.

Melliandra
29th Jan 2006, 00:47
However coconuts are much better at breeding than polar bears... So they must be doing something right!

Bandit *bob*
29th Jan 2006, 00:55
Brave would be a chap trying to "wedgie" a Polar Bear...or would that be foolish, or what?

Empty Cruise
29th Jan 2006, 01:02
In an evenly staged race, a polar bear will beat an african swallow every time.

However, if both the polar bear and the african swallow are made to carry a coconut, the swallow wins hands-down.

It is therefore concluded that the propulsive force of a coconut is sufficient to have an effect on africal swallows, but not on polar bears. A polar bear would need 816 coconuts to chatch up with the swallow.

If NASA could lay its hands on 1.467.784.912.017 coconuts at one time, they would be the preferred method of launcing the next moon missions.

Exhaust Manifold
29th Jan 2006, 01:04
Polar bears where the first on the moon and continue to live there

Solid Rust Twotter
29th Jan 2006, 06:36
Shaved polar bears in milk make a great sambal for curries.





Or is that coconuts.....?:confused:

RiskyRossco
29th Jan 2006, 07:14
N-o-o-o-o. . . you're thinking of shaved Okapis, which is of course illegal now, shaved polar bears are used in korma curries.
there is a difference. . . ..

Polar bears cannot drop from trees. Coconuts, on the other hand, do. Koala bears also drop from trees and scientists are beginning to explore the possibility that koalas aren't actually native to Australia.
They were in fact brought from Africa by swallows, which were much, much bigger back then due to the colder climate.

BombayDuck
29th Jan 2006, 08:00
a chilled polar bear is an effective antidote to most curries.

Vindaloo curries, though, require two bears.

I.R.PIRATE
29th Jan 2006, 08:14
Black light is directly proportional to black noise made by black helicopters

compressor stall
29th Jan 2006, 08:47
The blubber that surrounds a male polar bear's testicles (in order to keep them at the right temperature when swimming) is the richest known source of Vitamin E in the world.

Romeo Delta
29th Jan 2006, 08:56
Polar bear testicle blubber is considered an aphrodisiac in some African and South American countries. (The Men in Black and little gray men told me so...)

sprocket
29th Jan 2006, 09:49
Male polar bears testicles act as 'floaties' when performing the backstroke.

RiskyRossco
29th Jan 2006, 10:58
A sheet of paper, of any size, cannot be fully folded seven times. A square of paper, folded by a small, Japanese mystic, can achieve so many folds that it circumvents known laws of physics, warps space-time-matter and raises the beer prices in Bermondsey.
Which keeps out the polar bears, who don't like to travel with a lot of cash.

cyclicmicky
29th Jan 2006, 11:09
If a snooker table falls out of a tree and hits you , it can cause fatal injuries:uhoh:

Parapunter
29th Jan 2006, 11:11
I once ate a polar bear served in a coconut. I also did not start this thread, so don't blame me.

stue
29th Jan 2006, 11:56
My god, we we are still going with this??:p

I bet the one thing that you all dont know is the fact that coconuts are actually the egg from which a polar bear is hatched. This is why we are talking about the two together because that are actually the same thing just in a different form.

singaporegirl
29th Jan 2006, 12:02
A polar bear who was called Lola
Had a terrible pain in her molar,
Such was the gravity
Of her huge dental cavity
She had to give up Coca-Cola.

Exhaust Manifold
29th Jan 2006, 12:24
Polar bears actually own the coca cola company and use the money to build breeding poles called palm trees that hold their eggs

Solid Rust Twotter
29th Jan 2006, 12:28
Roast polar bears taste like chicken...

singaporegirl
29th Jan 2006, 12:41
...except their testicles, which taste like (coco)nuts.

SLFguy
29th Jan 2006, 12:49
There was a polar bear from Nigeria,
Who's morals were quite inferior,
He did to a nun,
Wot shouldn't have been done,
And now she's a Mother Superior....


Moral of the story; Don't f**k with polar bears girls...

BlueDiamond
29th Jan 2006, 13:20
... or fcuk with girl polar bears. :uhoh:

Exhaust Manifold
29th Jan 2006, 14:15
BlueDiamond: Was that an un-bear-able evening?

miazaky
29th Jan 2006, 14:40
The first polar on the moon was coincidentally named Omar Sharif

compressor stall
29th Jan 2006, 15:17
If a polar bear gives birth to twin cubs, the first born will always be female.

uffington sb
29th Jan 2006, 18:49
Outside Hitchin station is a bill board with:

'Every month more than 1 in 5 women are let down by their sanitary towels'

:yuk:

Perhaps they should try polar bear cubs.

frostbite
29th Jan 2006, 20:05
But do polar bears like hunny?

RiskyRossco
29th Jan 2006, 21:44
Polar bears are resistant to hives. did you mean "honey". . btw?

A horse as the sire and donkey as the mother produces a mule. Parenting reversed gives you a hinney, honey.
:p

Romeo Delta
29th Jan 2006, 22:47
Winnie the Pooh-lar Bear likes hunny. All other polar bears like honey.
-----

In the US, many women use sanitary NAPKINS. If, in the UK, sanitary TOWELS aren't enough, there must be a serious problem.

sprocket
30th Jan 2006, 01:01
.... and thats a fact? :E

RiskyRossco
30th Jan 2006, 01:23
Nope, that was a postulation (n.), a position assumed without proof, an assumption underlying an argument. (L. postulatos, demanded.)
A fact (n.), a reality; an assertion of a thing as fact. (L. factum. 'done'.)

In Latin it is impossible to split the infinitive.
The ancient Romans only used brown (Ursus Arctos) or black (Ursus Amreicanus) bears in the Circus. Polar bears regularly wrote to their distant cousins to see how the circus life was treating them.

Richard Spandit
30th Jan 2006, 03:20
Not many know that dark air gives no lift

Not a charter pilot then?

Jerricho
30th Jan 2006, 03:24
Polar Bears couldn't bear flying in the bare air.

Loose rivets
30th Jan 2006, 04:03
Polar bears navigate in triangles...the angle being related to the cosign of the latitude. That's why they always eat their coconuts at log tables.:8

Romeo Delta
30th Jan 2006, 04:56
Can a polar bear cosine for a loan for a penguin?

Cosecant...

RiskyRossco
30th Jan 2006, 05:56
Pingwings have only occasional use for loans since they are nomadic. Plus they have difficulty getting to the banks but once every few months while they're stranded on ice floes.
Several of the smarter families have secondary employment carting plates of food and wine bottles. The more ambitious pingwings have infiltrated the Seal teams and conduct raids on polar bear huts. The reason noone hears about this is because of tight security within the SPCA - the Special Pingwing Covert Assault - community.

allan907
30th Jan 2006, 06:40
Polari...oh,oh,...polari......oh,oh,oh,ho.

Mr Chips
30th Jan 2006, 11:35
The human sneeze travels at 80mph. the speed of diet coke leaving Mr Chips' mouth after reading Allans comment above was unrecorded. Polar Bear sneezes are pure white but travel at just 3 miles per hour. For our metric cousins, that equates to 3 miles per hour.

G-CPTN
30th Jan 2006, 11:40
If everyone stood facing the sea and sneezed AT THE SAME TIME the resulting blast would cause tidal waves that would travel around the world. Small albeit, but true nevertheless.

Kolibear
30th Jan 2006, 12:01
Mrs K. has a polar bear called Sooty. She also has a polar bear called Flo. Sooty is white and Flo lives on an ice floe. I'll stick to Polar Beer in future.

The SSK
30th Jan 2006, 12:30
Polari...oh,oh,...polari......oh,oh,oh,ho.

Polari was a secret language used by homosexual polar bears in London in the 1960s. It went out of fashion when sex between consenting adult bears was legalised.

singaporegirl
30th Jan 2006, 12:49
I have a feeling I may have mentioned this before, but when polar bears hibernate, a small plug of mucus, called a tappen, forms in their anus to prevent faecal material from leaking out.

G-CPTN
30th Jan 2006, 12:56
We've got a Tapparse Bar near us. Will they serve Tappen?

singaporegirl
30th Jan 2006, 13:04
Well, if you tapp arse hard enough, the tappen will probably fall out.

ILS32
30th Jan 2006, 13:10
If a polar bear cub is naughty and is told off by mother polar bear would it have been bearated?

toothpic
30th Jan 2006, 13:33
No, It just gets told to calm down and go with the floe.......

BlueDiamond
30th Jan 2006, 13:39
Or else it gets a spell in the cooler to chill out. :rolleyes:

I.R.PIRATE
30th Jan 2006, 13:50
Polar bears circumsised the arctic circle with a giant clipper

I.R.PIRATE
30th Jan 2006, 13:52
Jewish polar bear rabbi's are the richest because they keep all the tips....

ThreadBaron
30th Jan 2006, 14:00
Polar bear imposters are easily spotted...they have cold feet.

strafer
30th Jan 2006, 14:05
Most people assume that Polar bears are so called because they live near the North Pole. They are actually named after the first person to describe them to a European audience, 19th century Icelandic explorer Rasmus Polar.

Not a lot of people know that.

BALIX
30th Jan 2006, 14:11
Most people assume that Polar bears are so called because they live near the North Pole. They are actually named after the first person to describe them to a European audience, 19th century Icelandic explorer Rasmus Polar.
Not a lot of people know that.

Now I know you are fibbing as had Rasmus been Icelandic his surname would have been Polarson. And Polarson Bear would have been a silly name.

No, Rasmus was, in fact, Australian.

I.R.PIRATE
30th Jan 2006, 14:18
Nobody actually knows how much they know.......

airship
30th Jan 2006, 14:23
By the year 2029, there prolly won't be any wild polar bears left, apart from a small pocket 2,500 east of Murmansk... :oh:

G-CPTN
30th Jan 2006, 14:29
There is no longer anybody alive in the World who knows all that there is to know.


It takes four skindivers to circumcise a whale.

I.R.PIRATE
30th Jan 2006, 14:37
I.R.P has a very cool diving knife..........sticks out his tongue:p

Strictly Jungly
30th Jan 2006, 14:55
In the last war, so my grandfather told me, a squadron of polar bears bombed our chippy.

I.R.PIRATE
30th Jan 2006, 14:56
Polar bears do not suffer from ice blindness

BlueDiamond
30th Jan 2006, 15:06
They do suffer from append-ice-itis though ...

G-CPTN
30th Jan 2006, 15:07
In the last war, so my grandfather told me, a squadron of polar bears bombed our chippy.


You must be the Hun, as the Polars were on OUR side (and a dam-fine job they did too :ok: ).

I.R.PIRATE
30th Jan 2006, 15:10
Polar bears are afraid of the hun in the sun

haughtney1
30th Jan 2006, 15:13
99 out of a hundred dead people..stay dead:ok:
When your fat, your fat...when your old, your old....but when your rich, you can be anything..till your dead then 99 times out of a hundred.....

strafer
30th Jan 2006, 15:16
Rasmus is actually a girl's name in Iceland, so her full name was Polarsdottir. However, she rarely used that, as it sounds daft.

BALIX
30th Jan 2006, 15:25
Rasmus is actually a girl's name in Iceland, so her full name was Polarsdottir. However, she rarely used that, as it sounds daft.

It's also a girl's name in Australia. It is Aborigine for 'Sheila'.