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Astrodome
26th Jan 2006, 20:19
Doctor’s Snooty Receptionist

A really old man walked into a crowded doctor's office.

As he approached the desk, the snooty receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?"

There's something wrong with my d*ck," he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that."

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.

The receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private."

The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.

The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"

There's something wrong with my ear," said the old man.

The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"

"I can't piss out of it," the man replied.

G-CPTN
26th Jan 2006, 20:27
Heard it 'fraid.

Keygrip
26th Jan 2006, 20:40
Then what about...

A chicken and an egg were in bed together.

The chicken was sitting up, leaning against the headboard, smoking a cigarette and smiling.

The egg was rolled over on it's side - grumbling.

Well!! That answers that question then!!.

djk
26th Jan 2006, 21:05
Heard that one too

djk
26th Jan 2006, 21:07
A sadist and a masochist are walking down the street, the masochist turns to the sadist and says "Hit me", the sadist says "No".

G-CPTN
26th Jan 2006, 21:10
Brownie Joke Book 1978

mary_hinge
26th Jan 2006, 21:17
An elderly Irishman lay dying in his bed.

While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly
smelled
the aroma of his favourite cheese scones wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the
bed.

Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the
bedroom,
and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both
hands,
he crawled downstairs.

With laboured breath, he leaned against the doorframe, gazing into
the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought
himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper
on
the kitchen table were dozens of his favourite cheese scones. Was
it
heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted
Irish

wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy
man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the
table,

landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips
parted,
he could almost taste the cheese scone before it was in his mouth,
seemingly bringing him back to life.

The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to the nearest
scone
at the edge of the table, when his hand was suddenly smacked with
a
spatula by his wife . . . . . . . .






"F*ck Off!! ",she said, "They're for the funeral"

djk
26th Jan 2006, 21:27
There were two guys sitting on a bench who both suffered from alzheimer's disease. And one said to the other 'Hey look, theres an ice cream seller over there. Would you like an ice cream?'
The second guy said yes, he wanted an ice cream with a flake, sprinkles and strawberry juice. So the first man goes away for it.

He comes back with an ice cream with a flake in it. The second man asks, 'Hey, weres my spinkles and juice?'. The first man says oh right, so you wanted an icecream with a flake, sprinkles and strawberry juice. 'Yes' replies the second man. So he goes off to get the additions he needs.
He comes back 5 minutes later. This time he has the ice cream with the flake and sprinkles but no juice. 'Christ Sake', shouts the second man - 'wheres the juice I wanted'. So the first man goes away again to get the juice.
After 5 minutes he finally returns. The ice cream was perfect. 'Right' said the first man - 'One Icecream with a flake, spinkles and strawberry juice'.

The Second man looks back at him puzzled and says - 'Wheres my chips?'

White Hart
26th Jan 2006, 21:33
Altzheimer's Action Group meeting..

"What do we want?"

"ACTION!!"

"When do we want it?"

"What?"



well, at least they make new friends every day :rolleyes:

bulolobob
26th Jan 2006, 21:34
This was the winner of The Bulletin Magazine's "Tell Us The Ultimate Australian Joke Competition which ended on Australia Day.


A cricketer dies and goes to heaven. When St Peter ushers him through the pearly gates, he's happily astonished to find they're in the stands of a vast cricket stadium among millions of screaming fans.

However, when he focuses on the game being played out in the middle, he's astounded to see that the bowler commencing his short run-up has the name WARNE on the back of his shirt.

He turns to St Peter and, voice trembling, says "I didn't know Warnie had died."

"He hasn't." sighs St Peter. "That's God. He just thinks he's Shane Warne!":ok:

GearDown&Locked
26th Jan 2006, 22:15
Two fleas comming out of the pub: "Wanna walk? or should we take a dog home?" :{

Jordan D
27th Jan 2006, 00:22
"My mate used to work in a pillow stuffing factory.

He quit because he said he was always feeling down".

I'll get my coat.

Jordan

Richo77
27th Jan 2006, 00:27
A blonde goes into a laundry mat and asks to have her sweater cleaned. The laundromat attendant doesn't hear her correctly and says, "come again?" The blonde blushes slightly and giggles, "oh, no it's just mustard this time."

flown-it
27th Jan 2006, 00:45
One day an Irishman who'd been stranded on a desert island over 10 yrs, saw a speck on the horizon & thought "It's certainly not a ship." As it got closer he ruled out the possibilities of a small boat or a raft.



Suddenly there emerged from the surf a wetsuited figure. Putting aside scuba gear, there stood a drop dead gorgeous blonde!



She walked up to the stunned Irishman & asked, "How long's it been since you've had a good cigar?"



"10 years" he replied, amazed.



With that she unzipped a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve & took out a fresh package of cigars.



He took one, lit it & took a long puff. "Faith & begorrah, that's so good I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!"



"How long's it been since you've had a drop of Powers Irish Whiskey?" she asked.



Trembling, he said "10 years!"



Hearing that, she! reaches over to her right sleeve, unzips a pocket, takes out a flask & hands it to him.



He opens it & takes a long swig "Tis nectar of the gods!" he says "'Tis truly fantastic!"



At this point she starts slowly unzipping the front of her wetsuit and asks "So, how long's it been since you played around?"



With tears in his eyes, he falls to his knees and sobs "Jesus, Mary & Joseph! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there too??"

Binoculars
27th Jan 2006, 01:14
A young man moved into a new apartment on his own, and went to the
lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive young
lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe.
The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.

As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she
had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to
maintain eye contact.

After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said,
"let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming"

He followed her into her apartment, she closed the door and leaned against
it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him,
"what would you say is my best feature"?

Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked,
"It's got to be your ears"

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked "my ears"?
"Look at these breasts, they are full and 100% natural I work out
every day, my butt is firm and smooth, look at my skin - no blemishes
anywhere."
"How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"

Clearing his throat, he stammered...
"Outside, when you said you heard someone coming? That was me."

Huck
27th Jan 2006, 01:31
Q: How many children with attention-deficit disorder does it take to screw in a light bulb?


A: Let's ride bikes!

Jerricho
27th Jan 2006, 01:41
Now that's a joke I can relate to Huck :ok:

pigboat
27th Jan 2006, 03:30
Huck your jokes may be short, but they're funnier n'ell.:ok:

We are pleased to announce Lutherian Air is now operating in Minnysota. Also serving Visconsin and Nort' and Sout' Dakota.

If you are travellin' pretty soon, consider Lutran Air, da no-frills airline. You are all in da same boat on Lutran Air, where flyin' is a upliftin' experience. Dere is no first class on any Lutran Air flight. Meals are potluck. Rows 1 - 6 bring rolls, 7 - 15 bring a salad, 16 - 21 a main dish and 22 - 30 a dessert. Basses and tenors please sit in da rear of da aircraft. Everyone is responsible for his or her own baggage. All fares are by free will offering and da plane will not land 'till da budget is met. Pay attention to your stewardess, who will acquaint you wit' the safety systems on dis Lutran Air flight 599.

Ok den, lissen up. I'm only gonna say dis vonce. In da event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, I am frankly gonna be real surprised and so vill Captain Olsen because ve fly right around two tousand feet, so loss of cabin pressure would probably mean da Second Coming or something of that nature, and I wouldn't bodder wit' doze liddle masks on da rubber tubes. You're gonna have bigger t'ings to vorry about dan dat. Just stuff dem back up in der liddle holes. Probably doze masks fell out because of da turbulence, which, to be honest wit' you, we're gonna have quite a bit of at two thousand feet, sort of like driving across a plowed field, but after awhile you get used to it. In da event of a water landing, I'd say forget about it. Just start saying da Lord's Prayer and hope you get to da part about forgive us our sins as we forgive doze who sin against us, which some people say "trespass against us" which isn't right, but what can you do? Da use of cell phones on da plane is strictly forbidden, not because dey may confuse da plane's navigation system, which is seat of da pants all da way. No, it's because da cell phones is a pain in da wazoo, and if God meant you to use a cell phone He would have put your mout' on da side of your head. We start lunch right after noon and it's buffet style wit' da coffee pot up front. Den we'll have da hymn sing. Hymnals are in da seat pocket in front of you. Don't take yours wit' you when you go, or I'm going to be real upset and I'm not kiddin'!

Right now, I'll say Grace:
"Come Lord Jesus be our guest
And let dese gifts to us be blessed.
Fadder, Son and Holy Ghost
May we land in Dulut' or pretty close."

G.Q.
27th Jan 2006, 03:46
Dear God

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job it was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read:

Dear God,

I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday
someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension check. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?

Sincerely,

Edna

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other
workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few
dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which
they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.

Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from
the old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter
was opened. It read:

Dear God,

How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends.
We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.
By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it must have been those thieving bastards at the Post Office.

Farmer 1
27th Jan 2006, 06:15
Why does it take five women with PMT to change a light bulb?












BECAUSE IT DOES, ALL RIGHT???!!!

Tolsti
27th Jan 2006, 07:15
First-year students at Med School were receiving their first Anatomy class with a real dead human body.
They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them: "In medicine, it Is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor.
The first is That you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body." For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth." Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.
The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it. When everyone had finished, the Professor looked at them and told them,
"The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my Middle finger and sucked on my Index finger. Now learn to pay attention."

CherokeeDriver
27th Jan 2006, 08:01
A couple of married ladies went out on the p1ss. On the long walk home they both needed to relieve themselves and popped into a Cemetry. After the deed one used her knickers to wipe, and the other a leaf from a wreath.

The following day the husbands of the two drunk ladies were in the pub. One guy says to the other "we are going to have to watch out for our wives when they go out on the p1ss - mine came home without her knickers last night". The other one said "You're right. Mine came home with a card in her butt crack that said 'We'll never forget you - love all the boys at the Fire Station' "

Tolsti
27th Jan 2006, 09:09
New Maths Papers

For the unaware, there is a slight difference between private schools and comprehensives in Britain.
The Department of Education has realised this and has revised the secondary Maths Exam papers accordingly.

Attached are the most recent maths exam papers for your reference.

Maths test for comprehensives

Name____________________________

Nickname_________________________

Gang Name________________________

1. Simon has 0.5 kilos of cocaine. If he sells an 8 ball to Matt for 300 quid and 90 grams to Ollie for 90 quid a gram, what is the street value of the rest of his hold?

2. Damon pimps 3 bitches. If the price is £40 a ride, how many jobs per day must each bitch perform to support Damo's £500 a day coke habit?

3. Crackster wants to cut the kilo of cocaine he bought for 7,000 quid,
to make a 20% profit. How many grams of strychnine will he need?

4. Trev got 6 years for murder. He also got £350,000 for the hit. If his
Common law wife spends £33,100 per month, how much money will be left, when he gets out?
Extra Credit Bonus: How much more time will Trev get for killing the slapper that spent his money?

5. If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square meters and the
average letter is 1 square meter, how many letters can be sprayed
with eight fluid ounce cans of spray paint with 20% extra paint
free?

6. Liam steals Jordans skateboard. As Liam skates away at a speed of
35mph, Jordan loads his brothers Armalite. If it takes Jordan 20 seconds to load the gun, how far will Liam have travelled when he
gets whacked?

************************************************** ********

Maths test for private schools

Name______________________________________________ __________________________________________________ __________________________________________________ __________________________
(If longer, please continue on separate sheet)

School_____________________________________

Daddy's Company____________________________

1. Harry smashes up the old mans car, causing X amount of damage and killing three people.
The old man asks his local CC to intervene in the court system,
then forges his insurance claim and receives a payment of Y.
The difference between X and Y is three times the life insurance settlement for the three dead people.
What type of car is Harry driving now?

2. Fiona's personal shopper decides to substitute generic and own
brand products favoured by her employer. In the course of a month
she saves the price of a return ticket to Fiji and Fiona doesn't even
notice the difference. Is she thick or what?

3. Tristram fancies the oops off a certain number of tarts, but he only
has enough Rohypnol left to render 33.3% unconscious. If he has
14 Rhoypnol, how is he ever going to shag the other two thirds?

4. If Verity throws up four times a day for a week she can fit in a size
8 Versace. If she only throws up three times a day for two weeks,
she has to make do with a size 10 Dolce & Gabbana. How much
does liposuction cost?

5. Henry is unsure about his sexuality. Three days a week he fancies
Women. On the other days he fancies men, ducks and vaccum cleaners.
However, he only has access to the hoover every third week.
When does his Sunday Independent column start?

mafibacon
27th Jan 2006, 09:11
Snow

A lady goes on vacation to the Caribbean. Upon arriving, she meets a black man, and after a night of passionate love making she asks him, "What is your name

"I can't tell you" the black man says

Every night they meet and every night she asks him again what his name is and he always responds the same, he can't tell her.

On her last night there she asks again, "Can you please tell me your name

"I can't tell you my name because you will laugh at me." Says the black man

"There is no reason for me to laugh at you," the lady says.

"Fine, my name is Snow!" the black man replies. The lady bursts into laughter. The black man gets mad and says, "I knew you would make fun of it”.

The lady replied, "I'm not making fun of you. I'm thinking of my husband who won't believe me when I tell him that I had 10 inches of Snow everyday in the Caribbean!"

Parapunter
27th Jan 2006, 09:34
The Official Man Utd Maths Workbook, which covers sums for practising Key
Stage Two maths for 7-11 year olds. This has been introduced as part of
the Government's maths campaign.

1. ACCELERATION. Roy is 78 yards away from the referee at Old Trafford
and Gary is 65 yards away. If Roy can run at 21 mph and Gary can run at
16 mph, who will be sticking their vein-bulging forehead into the hapless
whistler's face first, assuming Roy does not stop to stamp on an opponent
on his way.

2. TELLING THE TIME. If one minute of time is taken up in a game for
substitutions and one minute for injuries, how much injury time the
referee will add on if Man Utd are losing at home?

3. PROBABILITY (1). Ryan Giggs is a Welshman. Express, as a percentage,
the number of internationals he has missed on a Wednesday evening compared to
the miraculous recoveries he made for the following Saturday.

4. SUBTRACTION (1). Manchester United are one of the giants of world club
football. How many more European Cup Finals have they appeared in than
Steau Bucharest? (For one extra mark; How many more than Reims?)

5. SUBTRACTION (2). How many more times have Man Utd won the European Cup
than Nottingham Forest?

6. DISTANCE. You are the referee at Old Trafford. How near to a visiting
defender does a tumbling Ruud van Nistelrooy have to be to earn a penalty
if he goes down in the box? (Note: Round your answers down to the nearest
20 yards.)

7. PROBABILITY (2). Express the statistical probability of visitors to
Old Trafford being awarded a penalty. Compare this with the probability
of opponents of Man Utd being awarded a penalty home or away, and then
discuss if a penalty awarded to Man Utd would be awarded to their
opponents in identical circumstances.

8. BASIC ACCOUNTING (1). Mark The Red lives in Guildford. How much does it
cost for him and his two sons to travel to the Theatre of Silence
every other weekend, including limited edition matchday programme, a few
drinks and a prawn sandwich all round? How much could he save per week if
he watched his local team instead? (Note; round your answers down to the
nearest thousand pounds.)

9. BASIC ACCOUNTING (2). Alex had a hotel room booked in Cardiff for the
FA Cup Final. How much money did he lose when cancelling his reservation?

10. WEIGHT AND PRESSURE. Ruud is 6ft tall and very strong and fast. How
much pressure need be applied to make him tumble over in the opponent's
penalty area? (Note; Answers must be in lbs per square inch. However,
answers such as However much pressure is applied by Ferguson to referees
are accepted.)

11. MONEY. Juan was a lazy boy and often went missing. Alex was very
cross and wanted to sell him. If Juan cost £28m to buy, how much do you
think Alex sold him for? How many pennies did Alex lose?

12. POULTRY FARMING. What is the total number of chickens counted before
they were hatched by Man Utd and their fans who thought Wolves were
pushover?

13. ABSOLUTELY NO APOLOGIES TO UTD FANS, WHICHEVER PART OF DORSET, KENT,
LONDON, NORFOLK ETC YOU COME FROM!

lexxity
27th Jan 2006, 10:19
Tony Blair decided to make a flying visit to a 'flagship' hospital in
Scotland.
Needless to say he was escorted by the management, the press and a
whole
entourage.

He was ushered towards a patient. Blair said 'Good morning Sir. How are
you?'

The man replied 'Ach ye wee sleekit thing ye'

Blair looked confused and was quickly moved to the man in the next bed.
He asked
the same question. The man replied 'Twas yonder day the bracken brae'.

The hospital PR Manager saw the look of confusion on Blair's face and
speedily
introduced him to another patient. Blair popped the same question. The
man
replied 'We'll tak a cup of kindness yet for the sake of Auld Lang
Syne'

Blair turned to the Consultant in charge and said 'Have I chosen an
awkward
morning?'

















' Ach no Prime Minister, this is a typical morning on the Burns Unit':}

planepsycho
27th Jan 2006, 12:31
An ugly woman walks into a shop with her two kids.

The shopkeeper asks "Are they twins? "

The woman says "No, he's 9 and she's 7. Why? Do you think they look alike?"

"No", he replies,

"I just can't believe you got laid twice!"

UniFoxOs
27th Jan 2006, 12:38
I went to the social security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry but I seemed to have left my wallet at home and would have to come back later. The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt." So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me," and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the social security office. She says, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too."

mafibacon
27th Jan 2006, 14:00
A hospital conversation


A man was placed in intensive care, tubes everywhere, nearly comatose.


A week later, a second man was put in the same room in very nearly the same condition.

Both lay there, machines pinging, oxygen tubes puffing, monitors pinging, etc. After a few days, one of the men had the strength to raise his hand and catch the other man's attention. He pointed to himself and said," Jimmy."

The other man weakly pointed to himself and said, "Paddy."

This act tired them both out so badly it was another hour or two before they tried again.

The first man pointed to himself and said, "Glasgow."

The second man said, "Dublin."

Again the fatigue set in and they both fell fast asleep.


In another couple of hours they were at it again.

Jimmy summoned up the strength to say, "Glasgow."

Paddy whispered back, "Dublin."

This time they were both stronger and could continue.

"Cancer," said Jimmy.

......."Sagittarius," replied Paddy

:)

Ozzy
27th Jan 2006, 14:17
LITTLE TONY ON MATH
Little TONY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
"Why?" asks the father?
"The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3', I said '6'", replies TONY.
"But that's right!" says his dad.
"Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'"
"What's the fecking difference?" asks the father.
"That's what I said!"

LITTLE TONY ON ENGLISH
Little TONY goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?"
TONY says "Mas-tur-bate."
Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little TONY, that's a mouthful."
Little TONY says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."

LITTLE TONY ON GRAMMAR
Little TONY was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!"
The teacher replied, "Now, TONY, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation.
The correct word you want to use is 'urinate'.
Please use the word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go."
Little TONY, thinks for a bit, and then says, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN!"

LITTLE TONY ON GRAMMAR II
One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.
First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."
"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.
"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully."
She said, "Excellent, Michael!" Then the teacher reluctantly called on little TONY.
"Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just fcuking beautiful!'"

LITTLE TONY ON GETTING OLDER
Little TONY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.
After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat"
Little TONY replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."
The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"
Little TONY answered, "No, he minded his own fcuking business.

Ozzy

frostbite
27th Jan 2006, 14:59
How many blondes does it take to make a chocolate cake? Six - one to stir the mixture, five to peel the Smarties.

Capn Notarious
27th Jan 2006, 18:07
Two Vampire Bats hanging in a cave just before sunrise.
Reckon I might go and get me a late bite.
Dam fool you go out now, sun comes up and you're history.
Gotta go see yer.
Five minutes later the sun is just coming over the horizon. The hungry bat wings back into the shadows absolutely covered in fresh blood.
You lucky lucky b**stard, where d'yer get that?
Well yer see that tall rock outside the cave?
Yup.
Well I fkin didn't

Binoculars
30th Jan 2006, 01:02
One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in his shiny
limousine...when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass.
Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop...and he got out to
investigate the situation.
He asked one man, "Why are you eating
grass?"
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We
HAVE to eat grass."
Shocked, the lawyer said, "Well, then, you can come with me to
my house...and I'll feed you!"
"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over
there, under that tree."
"Bring them along," the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man, he said, "You come with us, too."
The second man said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX
children with me!" "Bring them all!" the lawyer answered, and
they all jammed into the huge limo. Once underway, one of the poor
fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for
taking all of us with you."
Genuinely touched, the lawyer replied, "Glad to do it! You'll
really love my place......the grass is almost a foot high!"

(For my favourite lawyer!)

Favourite Lawyer
30th Jan 2006, 12:00
Thanks Binos. I enjoyed your joke. I find my skin is thicker these days :p

flynverted
30th Jan 2006, 13:36
A Redneck never misses an oppertunity ! !


Three Rednecks were working on the BellSouth tower - Steve, Bruce and Jed. Steve falls off and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, "Someone should go and tell his wife."

Jed says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser.

Bruce says, "Where did you get that, Jed?"

"Steve's wife gave it to me," Jed replies.

"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?"

Well, not exactly", Jed says. "When she answered the door, I said to her, 'You must be Steve's widow'."

She said, "No, I'm not a widow."

And I said, "I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are".




:E

G-CPTN
30th Jan 2006, 15:02
Two men using a ladder. One up top, the other stabilising the base. Top man falls to his death. At the inquest, the coroner asks the survivor if he could offer any explanation.
"Sir, he was a sex-maniac."
"Explain please."
"Well, Sir, I was holding the ladder and along come two dolly-birds wearing micro-miniskirts. These two birds give me the eye, so I chats with them and then pretends to drop me fag so I can bend down and cop a look. Before I knew what was happening, him up there comes flying down, shouting "Cuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuunnnnnnnnnnntttttttttt!" "

DistantRumble
30th Jan 2006, 16:44
To be sent to your lady friends :

You're in a shoe shop, second in the queue for the till.

Behind the shop assistant on the till is a pair of shoes which you have seen and which you must have.

The female shopper in front of you has seen them also and is eyeing them with desire.

Both of you have forgotten your purses.

It would be totally rude to push in front of the first woman if you had no money to pay for the shoes.

The shop assistant remains at the till waiting.

Your friend is trying on another pair of shoes at the back of the shop and sees your dilemma.

She prepares to throw her purse to you.

If she does so, you can catch the purse, then walk round the other shopper and buy the shoes.

At a pinch she could throw the purse ahead of the other shopper and, *whilst it is in flight* you could nip around the other shopper, catch the purse and buy the shoes.

Always remembering that until the purse had *actually been thrown* it would be plain wrong to be forward of the other shopper.














Continue scrolling

























Congratulations - You have just learned the offside rule!

sgsslok
31st Jan 2006, 14:10
DistantRumble-

I have to say that it's probably one of the best way that I have seen that describe the offside rule to other people who has no clue what "offside" is...

The concept is so simple but people just don't seem to understand!

That analogy will be memorized promptly...

Lok

Cool_Hand
31st Jan 2006, 14:29
More stupid people etc. No idea of truth but funny all the same...(not my experiences either)

"IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD

I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the
local township administrative office to request the removal of the
Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason? "Too many deer were being
hit by cars," and he didn't want them to cross there anymore. This
one was from Kingman, Kansas.

IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE

My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked
the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was
sorry, but they only had iceberg. And he was a Kansas City chef!

IDIOT SIGHTING

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate, when an airport
employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your
knowledge?" To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how
would I know?" He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."
Happened in Birmingham, Alabama.

IDIOT CROSSING
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the
street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of
mine, when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained
that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she
responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?" She was a
probation officer in Wichita, Kansas.

IDIOT TALKING
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who was leaving
the company due to "downsizing," our manager commented cheerfully,
"This is fun. We should do this more often!" Not a word was spoken.
We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights
stare. This was a brunch at Texas Instruments.

IDIOT WORKING
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into
itself, and for the life of her couldn't understand why her system
would not turn on. A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriff's Office,
no less.

IDIOT WORKING 2
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up
our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the
service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock
the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I
instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was
unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "it's open!" To which
he replied, "I know - I already got that side." This was at the Chevy
dealership in Rock Hill, South Carolina!


They walk among us AND REPRODUCE"

Duckbutt
31st Jan 2006, 17:57
After having their 11th child, a Liverpool couple decided that was enough, as the social wouldn't buy them a bigger bed and they weren't strong enough to nick one.

The husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive. However a less costly alternative was to go home, get a firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The Scouser said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

"Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can.

He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.

CDH
31st Jan 2006, 18:28
DistantRumble
Nice one, just told the wife & got...



but did she get the shoes........


:rolleyes: I'll learn one day

mcluhan
1st Feb 2006, 06:38
CLASSIC VERSION:
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his
house and laying up supplies for the winter.
The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays
the summer away.
Come winter, the Ant is warm and well fed.
The shivering grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.
THE END.

THE BRITISH VERSION:
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his
house and laying up supplies for
the winter.
The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays
the summer away.
Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed.
So far, so good, eh?
The shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know
why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others
less fortunate, like him, are cold and starving.
The BBC shows up to provide live coverage of the shivering
grasshopper, with cuts to a video of the ant in his comfortable warm
home in Hampstead with a table laden with food.
The British are stunned that in a country of such wealth, this poor
grasshopper is allowed to suffer so while others have plenty.
The Liberal Party, the Respect Party, the Transvestites With Starving
Babies Party, the Single Lesbian One Eyed Mothers Party and the
Coalition Against Poverty demonstrate in front of the ant's house.
The BBC, interrupting a Rastafarian cultural festival special from
Grimsby with breaking news, broadcasts them singing "We Shall
Overcome."
Ken Livingstone laments in an interview with Panorama that the ant has
got rich off the backs of grasshoppers, and calls for an immediate tax
hike on the ant to make him pay his "fair share".
In response, the Labour Government drafts the Economic Equity and
Grasshopper Anti-Discrimination Act, retroactive to the beginning of
the summer.
The ant's taxes are reassessed, and he is also fined for failing to
hire grasshoppers as helpers. Without enough money to pay the fine and
his newly imposed retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by Camden
Council.
The ant moves to France, and starts a successful AgriBiz company
[funded by the EU] (although within weeks, his business is threatened
with Compulsory purchase by the state unless he marries a French ant).
The BBC later shows the now fat grasshopper finishing up the last of
the ant's food, though Spring is still months away, while the
government house he is in, which just happens to be the ant's old
house, crumbles around him because he hasn't bothered to maintain it.
Inadequate government funding is blamed, Diane Abbot is appointed to
head a commission of enquiry that will cost ?0,000,000.
The grasshopper is soon dead of a drug overdose, the Guardian blames
it on the obvious failure of government to address the root causes of
despair arising from social inequity. The abandoned house is taken
over by a ! Gang of immigrant spiders, praised by the government for
enriching Britain's multicultural diversity, who promptly set up a
marijuana growing Operations and terrorize the community.
THE END
:} :* :( :sad: