SASless
29th Dec 2005, 00:45
The American Army has an authorized procedure for almost everything.....this old copy of a Unit Order surfaced from the hinter regions of my desk the other day.
Company “A”
1st BATTALION (Reinf) 3RD INFANTRY (The Old Guard)
Fort Lesley J. McNair, Washington, D.C. 20315
UNIT ORDERS 8 December 1964
NUMBER 1313
SUBJECT: Standard Operating Procedure for Death, Deceasement, and/or Dying
To: All Personnel Concerned
1. It has been brought to my attention that troops are dying without proper authority or consent of their superior officer. This practice is definitely unauthorized and must cease at once.
2. It must be fully understood by all ranks that the manpower shortage is still acute in this theatre and that no man may die without obtaining the proper permission. This is a serious offense and is subject to appropriate disciplinary action under the existing disciplinary provisions of the Uniform Code of Military Justice.
3. You are hereby notified that no men below the grade of Specialist 4th class may be given the order to die or drop dead, and in all cases the ordered to die or drop dead will be referred to as EX OLD GUARDERS.
4. Under NO, repeat NO, circumstance will a man be permitted to die on his own time. The following movements of death, deceasement, and/or dying shall be strictly adhered to and shall be the Standard Operating Procedure for future deaths, deceasment, and/or dying:
a. On receipt of the command “Die”, the victim will die by the numbers.
b. On the count of one, the victim will stagger aside, staggering a full 30 inch pace, following by a short 19 1/2 inch pace, at the same time allowing his eyes to glaze, and half-close his eyelids.
c. On the count of two, the victim will stagger aside, staggering one way (1) step left and one (1) step right, sinking slowly in a military manner to his knees; counting cadence to himself, fall flat on his face, arms out-stretched and thumbs at a forty-five (45) degree angles to the ears with fingers extended and joined.
d. On the count of three, toes will be drawn sharply together, simultaneously holding head to the ground.
e. On the count of four, victim will draw his last and final breath as follows:
(1) Inhale two (2) liters of oxygen, less Army weight and measure.
(2) Make one (1) low moan, followed by one (1) sharp gasp.
f. The death rattle will not be used except on formal occasions at formal occasions, at ceremonial functions or Sunday parades, or when authorized by an officer with the rank of Major General or above.
g. Before dying, a map if the best route to Heaven will be drawn from the closest topographical unit and clearly marked with the victim’s name, rank, serial number, organization, and EDD. (Expected Date of Deceasment)
h. The route will be strictly adhered to, and delay on route for the purpose of liquid refreshments WILL NOT be allowed. Rations will be drawn from QM in include Angel Food Cake or Devils Food Cake. In extreme cases, (NCO’s) Devils Food Cake will supplement the rations.
i. No victim will make the same trip two (2) successive times, and all Officers and NCO’s who travel on the subterranean route will draw hazardous duty pay and side arms. Side arms will consist of one each: Fork, pitch, M1A1, with flame-thrower attached.
5. Upon arrival at his destination, the victim will report to the Pearly Gate Transit Area of the 3rd Old Angel Replacement Depot for Angelification and subsequent re-assignment. The following equipment will be drawn:
UPPER STRATE PERSONNEL SUBTERREANEAN PERSONNEL
Wings, one (1) pair Horns, forehead mounted
Harp, basic, playing w/holster Fork, pitch M1A1, w/flame thrower
Cloud, flossy or cumulus Tail, forked, M6A6
Clouds will be checked for condensation each day. Pitchforks will be fireproofed. Halos will be worn one (1) inch on the right eyebrow. Forks will be carried at port arms while awaiting port call for lower level.
6. Upper level personnel will be governed by Military Law and will dress neatly and salute all deceased NCO’s.
7. Upper level personnel will dress be extremely loose, wings at side, harps at right shoulder arms.
8. This publication will be brought to the attention of all personnel who have twenty (20) or more years of service, and all RA’s and US’s.
BY ORDER OF GENERAL ELECTRIC:
Official: Saint Peter
I M GARERIEL Lieutenant Colonel
CWO W-4 Angelic Command
Promised Land
Distribution:
Hot and Cold Levels
Company “A”
1st BATTALION (Reinf) 3RD INFANTRY (The Old Guard)
Fort Lesley J. McNair, Washington, D.C. 20315
UNIT ORDERS 8 December 1964
NUMBER 1313
SUBJECT: Standard Operating Procedure for Death, Deceasement, and/or Dying
To: All Personnel Concerned
1. It has been brought to my attention that troops are dying without proper authority or consent of their superior officer. This practice is definitely unauthorized and must cease at once.
2. It must be fully understood by all ranks that the manpower shortage is still acute in this theatre and that no man may die without obtaining the proper permission. This is a serious offense and is subject to appropriate disciplinary action under the existing disciplinary provisions of the Uniform Code of Military Justice.
3. You are hereby notified that no men below the grade of Specialist 4th class may be given the order to die or drop dead, and in all cases the ordered to die or drop dead will be referred to as EX OLD GUARDERS.
4. Under NO, repeat NO, circumstance will a man be permitted to die on his own time. The following movements of death, deceasement, and/or dying shall be strictly adhered to and shall be the Standard Operating Procedure for future deaths, deceasment, and/or dying:
a. On receipt of the command “Die”, the victim will die by the numbers.
b. On the count of one, the victim will stagger aside, staggering a full 30 inch pace, following by a short 19 1/2 inch pace, at the same time allowing his eyes to glaze, and half-close his eyelids.
c. On the count of two, the victim will stagger aside, staggering one way (1) step left and one (1) step right, sinking slowly in a military manner to his knees; counting cadence to himself, fall flat on his face, arms out-stretched and thumbs at a forty-five (45) degree angles to the ears with fingers extended and joined.
d. On the count of three, toes will be drawn sharply together, simultaneously holding head to the ground.
e. On the count of four, victim will draw his last and final breath as follows:
(1) Inhale two (2) liters of oxygen, less Army weight and measure.
(2) Make one (1) low moan, followed by one (1) sharp gasp.
f. The death rattle will not be used except on formal occasions at formal occasions, at ceremonial functions or Sunday parades, or when authorized by an officer with the rank of Major General or above.
g. Before dying, a map if the best route to Heaven will be drawn from the closest topographical unit and clearly marked with the victim’s name, rank, serial number, organization, and EDD. (Expected Date of Deceasment)
h. The route will be strictly adhered to, and delay on route for the purpose of liquid refreshments WILL NOT be allowed. Rations will be drawn from QM in include Angel Food Cake or Devils Food Cake. In extreme cases, (NCO’s) Devils Food Cake will supplement the rations.
i. No victim will make the same trip two (2) successive times, and all Officers and NCO’s who travel on the subterranean route will draw hazardous duty pay and side arms. Side arms will consist of one each: Fork, pitch, M1A1, with flame-thrower attached.
5. Upon arrival at his destination, the victim will report to the Pearly Gate Transit Area of the 3rd Old Angel Replacement Depot for Angelification and subsequent re-assignment. The following equipment will be drawn:
UPPER STRATE PERSONNEL SUBTERREANEAN PERSONNEL
Wings, one (1) pair Horns, forehead mounted
Harp, basic, playing w/holster Fork, pitch M1A1, w/flame thrower
Cloud, flossy or cumulus Tail, forked, M6A6
Clouds will be checked for condensation each day. Pitchforks will be fireproofed. Halos will be worn one (1) inch on the right eyebrow. Forks will be carried at port arms while awaiting port call for lower level.
6. Upper level personnel will be governed by Military Law and will dress neatly and salute all deceased NCO’s.
7. Upper level personnel will dress be extremely loose, wings at side, harps at right shoulder arms.
8. This publication will be brought to the attention of all personnel who have twenty (20) or more years of service, and all RA’s and US’s.
BY ORDER OF GENERAL ELECTRIC:
Official: Saint Peter
I M GARERIEL Lieutenant Colonel
CWO W-4 Angelic Command
Promised Land
Distribution:
Hot and Cold Levels