Things to do with John's Reids Present

[Roguedent]

Could I please have some idea with what to do with my lovely present from John Reid himself. Santa Reid brought me

1. A Santa Hat
2. A Water Bottle warmer/holder
3. An empty metal tin
4. Some nuts
5. A lolly
6. A hand warmer, yes thats right a hand warmer
7. One Cristmas Tree decoration, guess we club together to decorate the tree
8. A torch
9. A blindfold
10. A small Christmas cake
11. A comic relief like light up nose
12. Foot refresher spray
13. A bounchy ball
14. A pen
15. Lip balm


Also, thanks for the personnelly signed card and to all the sponsors involved, for making this the best Christmas ever.

p.s BAE systems made the torch, so I guess when the batteries run out I will have to put in a demand to get some more.:ok:

[KENNYR]

Sorry roguedent, are you in the sandbox and is this "present" a xmas care package from HM Government or have I totally missed the plot?

[Roguedent]

It most certainly is, and I am. It is sitting here just waiting to be loved. Unfortunately I cannot give it the love and attention it deserves. Think I may send it to the Earthquake victims

[KENNYR]

My first thoughts were "what an ungrateful b*****d, HM Gov does not owe him/her anything". Your suggestion that you send the package to the earthquake victims is a very worthwhile, admirable thing to do. If you and all your colleagues do that then maybe someone in more need than you will benefit from it and will not bellyache about the size and quality of the contents.

[BEagle]

I guess the 9 million 1991-vintage Mr Kipling mince pies which are probably still in Riyadh wouldn't help?

No Robin Hood costume?

[An Teallach]

Perhaps KENNYR should ask Santa for a life? I imagine that list of contents would bemuse an earthquake victim just as much as it would bemuse a Serviceperson in the sandpit!

Looks as though it could be a prop list for tenth-rate 70's porno movie to me.

[goldcup]

"HM Gov do not owe him/her anything"

That's funny- the owe me about forty five grand a year.....

[WE Branch Fanatic]

You're all wrong. It's your new weapon.......

You have to make the best weapon/sensor/ISTAR system out of these parts.

The metal box goes into the holder, take the torch...........

The winner will be selected on the following grounds by Ministers and will win a free mince pie next year.

Grounds for selecting the winner:

We're not telling.

Notes:

1. This competition will be known as Smart Procurement.
2. The arrival of Christmas this year was not predicted by the Government, who tried their best under the UOR scheme, but due to the previous Government were unable to integrate mincemeat into pie cases within the timescale needed.
3. Next year, a mince pie will be provided under a PFI scheme....see terms and conditions below.

Mince Pie PFI Terms and conditions

1. The Pie will be provided at a fixed rate for each hour it is with the recipient.
2. If eaten, an extra fee will be payable.
3. The contractual reqiurement is for a 70% probability of the pie being fit for human (or animal) consumption.
4. The charges will be deducted from the Winner's pay.

[KENNYR]

AN T, someone would certainly benefit from the parcel in the earthquake disaster. The "life" comment does not deserve a reply.

goldcup, the salary is not owed to you, it is earned by you. (Unless you are an RAF Copper):D

[Gainesy]

WEBF,
Nice one, LOL.

BTW, are you feeling OK? No mention of the Bouncy Jet?

[NotTheOrganGrinder]

Is the blindfold there should they contract out flying troops home to the Merkins?

[Melchett01]

Roguedent

Where's you're sense of adventure and improvisation???

If it had been the A-Team or MacGyver, they'd have knocked up a cruise missile or the next generation AIFV out of that lot with only the addition of a roll of gaffer tape, a pen knife and the contents of their rifle cleaning kit.

You'll need to do better if you want to impress the promotion boards next time chap

Melchett

[An Teallach]

OK KENNYR, perhaps you'd care to volunteer to fly to Muzaffarabad via the sandpit and 'redistribute' these gifts?

However, since I can imagine the reaction of desperate Muslim refugees to receiving (among other 'survival aids'): A Santa Hat, a Cristmas tree decoration, a small Christmas cake and a comic relief-like light up nose; might I suggest for your personal safety that you air drop your relief effort? :rolleyes:

Either you had a very hard night last night or my irony detector is severely defective today! If the latter, I apologise.

[Dr Schlong]

Roguedent,

Couldn't you make a Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer out of all that stuff? You already got the nose and hat, use the tin or bottle warmer for the body, the pen to draw a face and the nuts to make sure everyone knows that he is a he!!!

Come on mate - didn't you watch "Why Don't You" on telly as a nipper?


ps

How's the old Stdy Alt gag working?

:ok:

[Roguedent]

I was more of a Blue Peter 'here's one I made earlier' guy. Seems one small flaw in my plan though. John Reid never sent me the one made earlier, so like a good BLue Peter presenter, Katie Hill springs to mind for some reason, I am left looking at my box without hope or festive cheer. Guess I will have to get back to winding that Stby Alt down. It really does go down to 800 doesn't it.:ok:

Stand by,stand by....I have made a....no wait.......yes...

Using the Hat as a parachute, the tin as a...tin, the torch and nose as a guidence system, foot spray ( which smells flamable) as fuel and the nuts as shrapnel, I have cunningly saved the MOD millions on a new cluster bomb. All I have to do now is fit my blindfold, write on the back of the card to Whitehall and sit back and wait. I am sure that I can celebrate with my Cake and lolly.

Or I just bounce my ball against my cell wall and use the decoration to dig my way out.

p.s I drank the hand warmer, thinking it was blue Gin and ate the lip balm. The lip balm was actually quite nice. :yuk:

[adr]

...so like a good BLue Peter presenter, Katie Hill springs to mind for some reason, I am left looking at my box without hope or festive cheer.
I don't remember Katy ever looking down at her box with anything less than cheerful enthusiasm. In fact, Katy's box was always able to put a smile on...

What? What did I say?

adr

[airborne_artist]

In fact, Katy's box was always able to put a smile on...

Luckily my kids were still at the Blue Peter watching age when Katy was presenting it :E :E

http://www.bbc.co.uk/cult/classic/bluepeter/dianetimstuartkaty/gallery/images/173/7bp09.jpg

[Ewan Whosearmy]

If Roguedent is anything to go by, they should have sent out copies of Eats, Shoots and Leaves.

[JessTheDog]

Perhaps the same efforts could have been made in distributing and collecting military ballot papers prior to the May 05 elections. I wonder why not....

[brickhistory]

quote (ok, out of context):
I am left looking at my box without hope or festive cheer.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


You poor bast@rd!

Off to the giant kittybox right after the New Year (but at least I got to be home for them; I'm appreciative of that! And looking forward to retirement in '07!).

[blackwithwhitestripe]

where the hell is the copy of readers wives....or penthouse. If it is club you can send that to the earthquake relief too!!!!

P.S. It is a really woeful effort for christmas but then I reckon at least 500 million was spent on procureing these items and at least four senior officers promoted

[LunchMonitor]

You've spoilt it now, you shouldnt have opened it till Christmas morning! and all the other children who have been good and keeping theirs, will know what they are getting!


(Although it sounds almost the same as last years, of which the only item remaining is the box which has the christmas cards i recieved in it!)

[Onan the Clumsy]

You're supposed to use the bits to make a sex toy. HINT: the light up nows is the cli...

Why do I bother? you probably don't know where it goes anyway :}