View Full Version : England is becoming a shitty place to live.

8th Nov 2005, 13:04
One has recently been subject to the most amazing olfactory assault and further investigation has uncovered a conspiracy of the most appalling magnitude.

Under a little known piece of EU legislation – an obligation has been placed upon water authorities to raise their standards in sewage disposal. There is insufficient funding to make due progress on this directive so the clever bods at these esteemed organisations have determined that the sewage can be spread liberally over our fair land. This ecological wonder is however not without its problems.

Sewage sludge or biosolids as they are now entitled - are being “treated” and then quite legally spread over the countryside. There is a hitch and herein lies the rub. This spreading can only occur when conditions are dry. Our fair land is not well known for desert conditions particularly in winter. The net result is that when it rains – it stinks.

A recent downpour near our gaff has contaminated about 20 square miles of countryside with the most appalling smell of human waste. DEFRA and Environmental Health are all running around like headless chickens saying “this is not our responsibility” or “Oh dear – we need to speak to our colleagues in Brussels”

It is happening and it will be coming to a place near you soon.

Have anyone else noticed a peculiar smell in their environs?

8th Nov 2005, 13:06
only up near Bradford

8th Nov 2005, 13:10
Liverpool always smells like that.

8th Nov 2005, 13:28

I live in Scotland can assure you that everything here smells as good as it should. :D :D ;) ;)



8th Nov 2005, 13:29
Funny:hmm: Doesn't seem to be happening over here in the (evil) Continent of Europe:suspect:

Good job I don't live back there any more:ok:

African Tech Rep
8th Nov 2005, 13:36
The non English Brits amongst us may say it always has been

CM – that could be because mist of Europe believes EU legislation is advisory only – but the Brits are daft enough to try and obey it.

One of my favorite stories – in France saw some guys smoking directly below No Smoking sign – asked if I could join them – during smoke mentioned sign – French guy informs me “the EU said we must put up signs – no one says we must obey them”.

8th Nov 2005, 13:41
The first clue to what is ahead – is a large digger and a pile of “earth” about 20m long by 10m wide and about 5m high.

So you innocently think – it’s just a man with a digger - digging a hole.

Not for one minute. This is a carefully crafted pile of shite (and you didn’t think it came that high) ready for distribution.

1000 cubic metres of crap – on yer doorstep. Customised to look like a pile of earth.

Tell me this isn’t possible. Tell me this isn’t stealth shite? :{

8th Nov 2005, 14:22
The Institute of Environmental Science, Murdoc University, Australia investigated the use of sewage as a fertilizer and conducted a study to determine how best to make it safe for recycling. They concluded, after experiments to find a low cost treatment, which explored the possibility of using mesophilic anaerobic digestion followed by dewatering and dry storage, that it was not effective. They discovered ,"After digestion composting and a 12 months storage period, levels of Salmonella, faecal coliforms, streptococci, and Giarda cysts were too high for storage to be considered as a adequate treatment" The numbers of Giardia cysts had not changed and the Salmonella bacteria initially started to die off but accumulated again after 35 weeks.

The fact that human disease re-grows in dried sewage sludge proves that human pathogens like Salmonella can replicate outside the human body raising serious doubts about sewage compost.

In other words, we're going to get poisoned by our own crap.

8th Nov 2005, 14:49

Not from what I remember when I visited a well known Optics establishment in "a quaint fishing village on the Clyde" as Billy Connolly once described it (Govan / Gorbals ?)

Apparently, my wonderful Glaswegian hosts informed me, that the unavoidable, incredible smell permeating the air conditioning emanated from what they called the Sh*t Sh*p being loaded next door, and they told me that old ladies used to take day trips out "doon the water" on the boat (sic). Can I really believe them ? They had a wicked sense of humour, honed with a deadpan delivery.

The smell was real enough, a heady aroma with a delicate Glasgow Curry House and 8 pints of Lager chaser piquance :p

8th Nov 2005, 14:58
Stafford - BHR's was correct. Up here in Scotland it all smells as it should, and if you've ever been in Govan you'll know it should smell like sh!te, 'cos it certainly looks it!;) :E :}

8th Nov 2005, 15:24
Mr CAT 1

We have an advertising campaign being run on UK television at the moment for a large store. To the background music of Albatross by Fleetwood Mac it conjures with the juxtaposition an ordinary food with their extra ordinary gourmet preparation.

One has subtly transposed and fiendishly plagiarised the theme:

"This is not just shite – this is highly refined mesophilic, anaerobic dewatered shite"

Krystal n chips
8th Nov 2005, 15:35
"O the River Clyde, the wonderful Clyde,
An open sewer that's half a mile wide"

coughs, before I get me coat, in mitigation a little ditty I recall from a good few years ago--not recommended to be sung in or around Glasgow Central on a Saturday night--or any other time for that matter ! :uhoh: --yet when you cross the River further south on the M74, it's beautiful.

Anyway, on the subject of aromatic towns, how about Liege which, as I recall, had open drains in the late 70's early 80's at least--and being in Belgium probably still has ! :rolleyes:

Although if you want the biggest concentration of ( select preferred term here ) in the human context, look no further than the City of London and Westminster in the UK ! :E

Rupert S
8th Nov 2005, 15:38
Why can't they just do what's been going on for hundreds of years and dump it in the north sea?

8th Nov 2005, 16:01
One does not wish to raise alarm in the community at large but apparently these piles of what are euphemistically called biosolids, can be "mutagenic". The heap causes inheritable genetic changes in the resident organisms that transform into creatures that Prof. Quatermass would fear.

I took the opportunity to photograph a recent graduate of my local pile. It was quite conversational and we both agreed that co-existence was going to be a gradual process. Social integration, employment opportunities, local schools and paternity rights were very much the hot topics that prevailed on first contact.


8th Nov 2005, 16:07
Germany expected World War 1 to be over real quick, but miscalculated. They had munitions to last a short time only. The British blockade denied them their source of nitrate, Chile saltpetre from South American guano. They were able to carry on the war only because in 1915, as I recall, Haber invented his process for the fixation of atmospheric nitrogen. Smart Jewish kid. They made him a second lieutenant in the Reserve. Thanks, Habbie.

Don't leave yet. I'm coming to the point. The French spent the whole proceeds of the Louisiana purchase on munitions, very expensive because, again, of a British blockade. At that time their source of nitrate was India, where it was produced from fermented human waste, carried incidentally by the East India Company which made a fortune in the trade.

Now then. Napoleon found that some districts were tardy in providing recruits to go and get shot.

He combined the two facts, and established sh*te farms in the reluctant districts. To these depositories he transported, actually he had other people do it, I believe, the collected sh*te and other organic waste, dead horses, the refuse of slaughter houses, and what have you from far and near, and let it all mature a year or whatever until it broke down into usable nitrate.

It also broke down the local resistance, for the smell was something unspeakable. Mind you, that was in France, a tough and proud nation already inured to the aroma of sh*te from Versailles where they dropped the stuff in the corridors, and generally all around in the streets. But I digress. The process worked.

Does not the latest news from the UK present a commercial opportunity? Where is the spirit of enterprise? For a small fee or even payment in shares I am prepared to do the incorporation and the prospectus. If Captain PPRuNe will allow me the hospitality of his columns, there may be something in it for him.

8th Nov 2005, 16:38
aah Govan.

The perfumed air eminates from the Shieldhall sewage works, which is directly over the road (and upwind of) the Southern General Hospital. If you aren't ill when you go in ...

Many a Glaswegian enjoyed a trip 'doon the watter' on the cludgie boats. One of them, the Garroch Head, had a lounge for passengers.

8th Nov 2005, 16:51
Under a little known piece of EU legislation – an obligation has been placed upon water authorities to raise their standards in sewage disposal. There is insufficient funding to make due progress on this directive so the clever bods at these esteemed organisations have determined that the sewage can be spread liberally over our fair land.

Since water authorities were privatised and became water companies, is it now the situation where England is being shat upon in the persuit of profit? Since all of these water companies have been booking tidy profits for the past few years, if they have to invest in improved sewage disposal standards should that not come out of their pocket?

Curiously, the "cludgie boats" on the Clyde stopped operating in 1998 due to tougher EU rules on the dumping of sewage at sea, it seems ironic that sewage is being dumped on the land due to EU rules.

If you have questions or complaints about this maybe you could try contacting ofwat for an explanation. Their contact details are as follows:
Postal address :
Office of Water Services
Centre City Tower
7 Hill Street
Birmingham B5 4UA
United Kingdom
Telephone: +44 (0)121 625 1300 / 1373
Fax: +44 (0)121 625 1400

e-mail; [email protected]

8th Nov 2005, 17:14
What's this:
the cludgie boats


Ex Glesca semper aliquid novi?

What were the cludgie boats? A lacuna in my knowledge here.

"Ra nicht we'll raid ra cludgie
Ra morra we'll share ra plunder.
An' Ah wull ha'e ra widden sate
An' you wull ha'e whit's under"

Carmina Glaswegiana Antiqua.

8th Nov 2005, 17:38

With your offer to Danny, can we take it that you are tabling a motion ?

"Cludgie" - what an evocative word !

8th Nov 2005, 17:39
The cludgie boats was the colloquial name given to the to the sewage ships that sailed from the Glasgow Corporation sewage works at Shieldhall, Dalmuir and Dalmarnock. In the 1950's the three steam ships that were used were all named after the works. The last of these ships, the SS Shieldhall was retired in 1977 and replaced by the MV Garroch Head. The Garroch Head was named after the point on the southern end of Arran where they dumped their cargo.

Other names for the shit ships were the banana boats, sludge boats, fudge carriers and the crap tankers.
It was possible to get free tickets and sail on the cludgie boats their saloons boasted all the comforts of an excursion steamer. If you got tickets to have a sail, you were very fortunate indeed.

8th Nov 2005, 18:58
I suppose, Stafford, those vessels were vital for getting rid of the Salops.

P.S. I'm sorry. The Devil made me do it.

tony draper
8th Nov 2005, 19:13
We had a cacky Boat on the Tyne still running quite recently,called The Hexamshire Lass,prolly not now since they put that bit of feckin arty farty origami masquarading as a bridge across the river efectivly clossing the upper reaches.

8th Nov 2005, 19:39

Salops ! Like it. Laughed so much I nearly fell off my stool :rolleyes: :p

tony draper
8th Nov 2005, 20:03
Nowt new about muck spreading anyway, one recals due to misreadin the road atlas getting stuck on one of they squiggley little narrow white roads in the wilds of Yorkshire once,astern of a farm tractor towing a muck spreader,at about 2 Mph,red hot summer day, the honk was unbelievable,no use stopping for ten minutes or so to allow it to clear ones course, all the fields thereabouts reeked in a similar manner.
But as they say round that bailywick,where there's muck there's brass.

8th Nov 2005, 21:16
The smell of the countryside Mr. Draper.

There is no smell quite like that which you get driving down the parkway past Redcar Steelworks (Or flying over them at a large enough height to glide clear, give or take....)


8th Nov 2005, 22:31
Only Glaswegians could consider a day trip on a shite barge to be a holiday! Muahahahahahha!

Did they let you swim in the sewage works if you completed 20 years service in the shipyards?

8th Nov 2005, 23:00

the tradition of sailing on the sludge boats began when the crews wanted to honour the ex-servicemen and their families who had given so much during World War One.

Maybe you would like to re-think your somewhat irreverant comments.

8th Nov 2005, 23:49
Well we all know you limey's are interfering lout's!! :E

9th Nov 2005, 06:20

Very useful snippet of information - thanks ! Any more details on that because now you mention it one of the boffins in a very sophisticated optronics lab there did point out that people did in fact go out to lay wreaths in the Firth of Clyde. (HMS Dasher one of the sad stories there)

Spinflight's comments might be irreverent FP but from what I remember of my visit to Clydeside, the Glaswegians take the piss out of themselves first, and then everyone else ;) I don't think they would be offended but would have a witty riposte ready, or a Glasgow kiss, whichever would suit the mood of a particular moment ! :}

9th Nov 2005, 07:17
There is no smell quite like that which you get driving down the parkway past Redcar SteelworksYou've brought tears of nostalgia to my eyes Matty. Holding your breath all the way through Grangetown and Cargo Fleet on the way to the seaside...

Them were't days ah tell thee...

9th Nov 2005, 07:25
Here in the Greater EU, Vaterland division Grossdeutschland, summer comes with the reek of rape, vast, blooming, EU-sponsored fields of the stuff and when the wind is out of the north, the unmistakeable smell of the piggeries on the northern edge of the village. They are quite legally sited just outside the residential boundary on agricultural land, equipped with strange smokestack-like devices that must send the pong soaring into the empyrean all of 200 metres or so before it hits an inversion, flattens out and then sinks gracefully back to earth.

If you want to invite the neighbours for a 'Grill party' it's a good idea to check the wind direction first. If you think human dung has a pong, check out pig poop.

New York City uses garbage scows that also offer a free mini-cruise, I believe. I don't know what they do with their effluents, probably also dumping them. There is supposedly a vast anaerobic section of ocean floor off the coast piled high with New York City's festering detritus. It is taken to be devoid of life, except for anaerobic bacteria, I suppose.

Top of the league is Lagos Lagoon during a hot spell. Anyone who feels hard done by back in the UK should just take a cruise down the Third Mainland Bridge, Lagos, Nigeria with the windows rolled down to then go home never to complain again.

The interesting thing in all of this, to me, is how the politicians can dress things up with euphemisms while trying to ignore the obvious smell of approaching the limits of growth, when everyone is taught that growth is, per se, a good thing. Whenever someone starts whining about destroying the natural environment the crushing retort is that they must care more about trees than people.

9th Nov 2005, 08:15
I dont understand all the fuss, this has beed going on for years, I used to work on a farm in the mid seventies, Yorkshire water used to deliver huge quantities of sewage to spread upon the land. Sometimes it was in liquid form and sometimes solid which was dumped in piles and which we then had to spread over the land.

It is a self limiting thing in any case, after about 5 years they stoped using it because of the build up of heavy metals and other concentrated contaminants in the soil. (its not just sh*t that goes down the drains!)

In any case, untreated pig sh*t always smelled much worse.

tony draper
9th Nov 2005, 09:02
So it was you Yorks.ppl !!

9th Nov 2005, 09:10
Mr Draper, you have my humblest appologies, but at the chap that owned the farm used to say to those who complained (with a typical yorkshire economy of words) "you stop sh*tting we'll stop spreading"

tony draper
9th Nov 2005, 09:44
Dunno about the smell of those steelworks Mr Blacksheep, one did a few jobs inside the place, bloody terrifying place it were, gurt great ladles of molten metal and white hot glowing 20 foot long ingots of steel zipping about on cranes over ones noggin,very disconcerting it was.

10th Nov 2005, 01:20
...very disconcerting it wasAye, it takes strong nerves and a steady hand when you're blowing high pressure oxygen through a vat of molten iron.

It had something to do with my Dad running away to sea and me running away to the air force. :}

10th Nov 2005, 03:25
Sh1t ships were also referred to as Bovril barges.

I believe that S.S. Shieldhall is preserved at Southampton - she was featured in a tv programme with the late and much missed Fred Dibnah being shown round her boiler and engine rooms before taking a trip down Southampton Water.

10th Nov 2005, 06:58
Hasn't anyone heard of the exploits of "Hairy Mary, the fleur o' the Gorbals", and her activities on the cludgie, as extolled by Hamish Imlach, in the song "Cod Liver Oil and the Orange Juice?

"And oot of the East, there came a hard man"...,

10th Nov 2005, 09:04
No, But there was "Ra cloaset oan ra sterr", a nostalgic ballad for the dear deid days lang syne.

Alas, my copy was borrowed and never returned. Fragments only remain:

Wha hisnae ...............
.................................at nicht,
wi' legs baith cauld an' bare.
Unhooked the key an sprinted
fur ra cloaset oan ra sterr
da dum da dum da dum
pom pom pom pom
But the lassie next door
Hud goat therr afore
Tae ra cloaset oan ra sterr.
Dear cloaset oan ra sterr
"Tis you Ah'll see nae mair
etc., etc."

It was written in celebration of a slum clearance. One cooncillor has spoken in bittersweet terms (much, I suppose, in the spirit of Dunbar's "Timor Mortis Conturbat Me") of his childhood in a single end wi' a cloaset oan ra sterr, and that prompted a Makar to produce the masterpiece.

It is not, of course, to be confused with the tale of Danny Morgan, who had a tiny s*x**l organ. That one belongs to a different tradition.

If you have the text of Hairy Mary I'd love to have it.

10th Nov 2005, 09:24

And Lo, a Glaswegian friend did oblige - and no charge !

Oot o' the East there came a hard man
Oh oh, a' the way frae Brigton
Ah haw, glory hallelujah
Cod liver oil and the orange juice

He went intae a pub, cam oot paralytic
Oh oh, Lanliq and cider
Ah haw, what a helluva mixture

In the dancin' he met Hairy Mary
Oh oh, the floo'er o' the Gorbals
Ah haw, glory hallelujah

Oh Mary, are ye dancin'
Naw, naw, it's jist the way ah'm stannin'
Ah haw, glory hallelujah

Oh Mary, yer wan in a million
Oh oh, so's yer chances
Ah haw, glory hallelujah

Oh Mary, can ah run ye hame
Oh oh, ah got a pair o' sandshoes
Ah haw, yer helluva funny

Through the back close, intae the donny
It wasnae for the first time
Ah haw, glory hallelujah

Oot cam her mammy, she's goin' tae the cludgie
Oh oh, ah buggered off sharpish
Ah haw, glory hallelujah

Hairy Mary's looking for her hard man
Oh oh, he's jined the Foreign Legion
Ah haw, Sahara and a camel

Hairy Mary had a little baby
Oh oh, its faither's in the army
Ah haw, glory hallelujah

'Course, I have no idea what any of it means

10th Nov 2005, 11:30
No need to be surprised UL730, when I was a young lad working on farms and market gardens in Southern England for pocket money in the mid to late 50's it was common practice to have treated sewage dumped all over the various growing areas, particularly for market gardens. Main problem was that tomato seeds are indigestible so, no matter what crop was being grown, there was always a fine display of tomato plants!

10th Nov 2005, 12:55
Mr BlueEagle - I would suggest that when you and I were lads we were just getting the overspill. The token gesture to the environmentalists. One lives in the country - one understands this. However- we are now being subject to the full force - the Hurricane Shite - as it were. This is not just some gentle Zephyr of a wind that blows upon us - this is a fully-fledged Saffir -Simpson category 5.

I would argue my case as follows. The disposal of sewage sludge at sea ended in 1998. Disposal material into the North Sea was calculated at approximately 70 million tonnes per year in the 1990s and a total of 88 million tonnes of dredged material was reported for 1996 by OSPAR (2000).

Figures obtained show that about 90 million wet tonnes per anum was the norm dating back to 1985. Additionally agreeable materials like mercury, cooper, chrome, nickel, cadmium and lead in substantial tonnages were simultaneously dumped.

Now I'm an average bloke with average observational powers and the way I figure it out is - if this dumping at sea has been banned - where is it all going? :confused:

I'll tell you where - right next to my gaff. I reckon I've got a good percentage of 80 million tonnes sitting in a big heap certainly within the range of my olfactory organ. :\

Ever the optimist - one is pleased to report some progress however. After substantial lobbying and raising issues with folk of influence - one has persuaded the authorities to cover the whole heap with sand - to preclude further emanations.

Sadly though - social integration with the mutant colony of ShiteMonsters that have evolved from one's heap is not going so well. We have noticed several of them wearing Burberry baseball caps (reversed) and genuinely despair that they are being subject to regressive cultural influences.

10th Nov 2005, 13:06
Thank you, Stafford, your text is a treasure for the social historian:

“Brigton” Bridgeton, one of the less fashionable residential district of Glasgow;
“Oot o’ the East” otherwise Bridgeton, perhaps a mile east, little more, of the Clyde;
“Cod liver oil and the orange juice”
staple supplements of the war-time diet, provided to nursing mothers and the very young; the cod liver oil came in capsules that dissolved in the tum, leaving the loathsome taste to be savoured for hours; the orange juice in concentrate form, not much better;
“paralytic” a synonym for “mirauclus” (“miraculous”) or “stottin” (“stotting”, Scotticé for “bouncing”;
“the floo'er o' the Gorbals”
flower of the Gorbals, situated on ra Souss side o’ ra river; the Gorbals, oddly enough, was a pearl of urban design when built: broad streets, grid plan, high ceilings and windows, spacious behind the tenements, so spacious that there was room to build extra housing in between to absorb the Irish and Highlanders displaced by famine and clearances, and hence the overcrowding and slums;
“sandshoes” now known as “trainers”, clearly a Volk preference for dancing pumps
“the back close” the close in toto was the tunnel that leads to the ground floor hooses and to ra sterrs; the back close goes intae “the back” in which may be found “the midden”, occasional haunt of the scavenger (“Jean Dunt, the midden diver”); the front close gave a clue to the social pretensions of the hoose, the top rank being a “wally close”, the walls lined with glazed tiles (extremely "pan loaf"); another name for the back close was “loabby”, or “lobby”, from which the great hero of the Evening Citizen “Loabby Dosser” (Sheriff o' Calton Creek), or sleeper, from those who slept there in time of need, as in the Depression or, more generally, Irish;
“the donny” your source may be a little out on this one. More strict scholarship suggests “dunny”, the “area” as the say in England, the sunken area between ra front a ra hoose and ra pavement or sidewalk, usually protected by iron railings, in the case of Mary evidently a place of assignment; in the case of children the dunny an attraction to “dreep the dunny”, i.e., sclim ower ra railings and as it were slide one’s body down, dropping the last few feet to the ground;
“the cludgie” we have already, Ah, explored this;
“Hairy Mary had a little baby”
this is an obvious derivation of the traditional ballad form of the 14th, 15th centuries; interestingly this Mary may be different from that other Hairy Mary who hud a canary; a cousin, perhaps.

Not everyone could provide this glossary. I am not just another pretty face.

P.S. To UL730: "tonnes per anum"!!! Let's try to keep these pages clean.

10th Nov 2005, 15:20
Got the problem solved in Oz. We have a bagged garden fertiliser here called "Dynamic Lifter". It smells horrible for a couple of days but tends to be OK after that (unless it rains and there's not a lot of that over here). Gardeners swear by it and are willing to part with lots of hard earned for it. However, Aussies are a conservative lot and in order to flog this stuff to the masses they conned people into believing it was pelletised chicken manure - not human sewage.

For doubting Aussies just try going into your local garden centre and asking about fertiliser and query what the difference is between pelletised chicken sh*t (about the same price) and Dynamic Lifter. Pound to a pinch of chicken sh*t they won't be able to explain!:yuk:

10th Nov 2005, 15:34

Thanks, 'Course I STILL have no idea what any of it means !;)

I presume you write in crayon, for they surely cannnot provide you with sharp objects where you reside, to have such time for such pointless pursuits as the comprehension of Jockinese - ancient sounding Jockinese at that ! :p :p

10th Nov 2005, 15:41

That is modern Glaswegian. If you want a totally inpenetrable accent try listening to a conversation in Doric, from the North East of Scotland....

Hamish Imlach was a performer extraordinaire. Saw him a couple of times in Babbity Bowsters before his untimely death. Without Hamish, Billy Connelly would still be welding ships together in the Govan shipyards.

14th Nov 2005, 23:45
Unreserved apology offered Flypuppy, even if I am still rather tempted to use the same joke on my Glaswegian Mother. :)

15th Nov 2005, 01:37
As a young lad not yet in his teens, I was privileged to haul wheelbarrers o' shite around the allotments. (One each for me Dad, me Uncle Lewis and me Grandad) The horse manure, to give it its polite name, was deposited in a half ton pile (five barrow loads) at the far end of each allotment and used to build a compost heap by careful layering throughout the gardening year with well rotted cabbage leaves/other biodegradable waste and a sprinkling of lime. In early spring it was lifted, spread and dug into the soil prior to planting. Yours truly operating the wheelbarrer again and doing the spreading. (Digging it in was men's work, spreading was for kids) Those thirty hundredweight of horse shite were the main reason why I never looked forward to the end of winter.

For ripening tomatoes in the greenhouse, we collected rainwater from the greenhouse roof in a large butt, in which was suspended a large gunny sack full of sheep's shite. As the tomatoes developed, the roots were watered carefully with the 'shitewatter' to make the tomatoes larger and more flavoursome.

Although folks today have more sensitive noses, such that they can detect which vinyard a particular wine came from, as tony draper says elsewhere, folks today aren't accustomed to bugs and bacteria and, having no natural resistance, fall ill much more easily. Bring back the good old shite barrer sez I.