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View Full Version : Really Bad Joke............


BRL
8th Nov 2005, 11:31
Sorry................

The world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make is taking a stroll down his local high street.

As he passes by the record shop, a sign catches his eye.

"Just Released: New LP - Wasps of the World & the sounds that they make - available now!"

Unable to resist the temptation, the man goes into the shop.

"I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make. I'd very much like to listen to the new LP you have advertised in the window."

"Certainly, Sir," says the young man behind the counter. "If you'd like to step into the booth and put on the headphones, I'll put the LP on for you."

The world expert on European wasps goes into the booth and puts on the earphones.

Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth and announces, "I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make and yet I recognised none of those."

"I'm sorry sir," says the young assistant. "If you'd care to step into the booth, I can let you have another 10 minutes."

The world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make steps back into the booth and replaces the headphones.

Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth shaking his head.

"I don't understand it," he says, "I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make, and yet I still can't recognise any of those!"

"I'm terribly sorry, sir" says the young man, "perhaps if you'd like to step into the booth again, you could have 5 more minutes."

Sighing, the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make steps back into the booth.

Five minutes later, he comes out again, clearly agitated.

"I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make and yet I have recognised none of the wasps on this LP."

"I really am terribly sorry," says the young assistant. "I've just realised I was playing you the bee side."

:ugh: :ugh: :ugh: :ugh:

Binoculars
8th Nov 2005, 11:34
You were right.....

BRL
8th Nov 2005, 11:40
I can just hear the audible groans from all over ppruneland!!

the_hawk
8th Nov 2005, 11:47
Yup. It has both - long AND not funny :bored:

BOAC
8th Nov 2005, 11:47
Well, BRL - I liked it! It is clean, at least you can tell ALL the family - and of course there is no sting in the tale. (Sic)

MikeKnight
8th Nov 2005, 12:04
Not a very bee-lieveable premise too, I might add.

right, im gone

TheFlyingSquirrel
8th Nov 2005, 12:43
Two buckets of sick are walking down the High Street

one starts crying...

"what's up?"

"well it's emotional for me.....I was brought up around here ! "

frostbite
8th Nov 2005, 12:55
Since we're being silly:-

YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2005 when...

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the
screen.

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )

12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.


14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.

AND NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself.

The SSK
8th Nov 2005, 13:03
It’s quiet in the library, and the librarian is watching the only customer, who’s just come in. After a while, he locates the ‘pets’ section, and scrutinises all the books there.

Then he wanders off, looks around some more and ends up in front of the ‘medical’ shelves and has another good look. No go – he comes back to ‘pets’ and is running his finger across every single book, looking closely at the titles.

When he’s gone through all of them and evidently not found what he’s looking for, the librarian decides it’s time to help so she goes across to him and asks if she can be of any assistance.

Customer: “It’s my dog, he’s not well and I was looking for something that might help”.
Librarian: “Oh, I’m sorry, what’s the matter with him?”
C: “He has these hard growths, like corns, on his paws. He can hardly walk, poor thing”.
L: “Ah… we might have something, but I’m afraid it’s locked away, in the Restricted Access section. Come with me”.

She takes him across to a side door which she unlocks. “I suggest you have a browse in there, under ‘Hard-Paw Cornography’”.

Farmer 1
8th Nov 2005, 15:06
These are all pathetic, so let me add my true story:

A chicken ran into a library, squawking, "Bok! Bok! Bok! Booooork! Bok! Bok!"

The librarian is rather hard of hearing, but not wishing to be unhelpful, gives the bird a book.

"Bok! Bok! Bok! Booooork! Bok! Bok!"

He gives another book.

"Bok! Bok! Bok! Booooork! Bok! Bok!"

Another book. This continues until there are a couple of wingfuls of books, which the chicken picks up and rushes outside with them.

A minute later, the chicken dashes back in with the books, and throws them down on the desk.

"Bok! Bok! Bok! Booooork! Bok! Bok!"

etc. etc. etc.

On the fourth repeat, the librarian is convinced something odd is going on, after all, he hasn't had a chicken take out so many books all week. He follows the chicken to see what is, in fact, going on.

He sees the chicken run up to a frog, and place each book in turn in front of it.

And the frog says, "Riddit! Riddit! Riddit!"

acbus1
8th Nov 2005, 15:12
Where are the Moderators when you need them. :rolleyes:

Biggles Flies Undone
8th Nov 2005, 15:13
There were two prawns, James and Christian, swimming along the bottom of the ocean. James accidentally rubs up against an old lantern and whoosh, a genie appears and grants James two wishes.

After a moment's thought James decides that he wants to become a shark so as to gain the respect of all the creatures of the sea. Whoosh, James becomes a shark and swims off.

Two weeks later James is upset. All of his old friends are now afraid of him and his life is miserable. He decides to use his second wish, and he wishes to be a prawn once again.

Whoosh.... Now a prawn again, James swims away to look for his mate Christian. When he arrives at Christian's house he knocks on the door and shouts out for Christian. "Go away", says Christian, "you're a shark and you'll just eat me".

"No I won't", shouts James, "I'm a prawn again Christian".

UniFoxOs
8th Nov 2005, 15:42
A guy is caught by a ranger eating a bald eagle and is consequently put in jail for the crime. On the day of his trial, the conversation went something like this:

Judge: "Do you know that eating a bald eagle is a federal offense?" Man: "Yes I did. But if you let me argue my case, I'll explain what happened."

Judge: "Proceed." Man: "I got lost in the woods. I hadn't had anything to eat for two weeks. I was so hungry. Next thing I see is a Bald Eagle swooping down at the lake for some fish.

I knew that if I followed the Eagle I could maybe steal the fish. Unfortunately, in the process of taking the fish I killed the Eagle. I figured that since I killed the Eagle I might as well eat it since
it would be more disgraceful to let it rot on the ground."

Judge: "The court will take a recess while we analyze your testimony."

15 minutes goes by and the judge returns.

Judge: "Due to the extreme circumstance you were under and because you didn't intend to kill the Eagle, the court will dismiss the charges. But if you don't mind the court asking, what does a Bald Eagle taste like?"

Man: "Well your honor, it is hard to explain. The best I can describe it is maybe a combination between a California Condor and a Spotted Owl."

lordsummerisle
8th Nov 2005, 16:25
The very famous restaurant critic Gervaise decides to check out a new sea-food restaurant that has just opened.

He is very impressed and after browsing the menu decides to try the squid. The Maitre 'd brings over a tank of fresh live squid and asks him to take his choice. Gervaise is strangely taken by a light green squid that almost has a human look to it's face, in fact it even appeared to have a moustache!

" I will have that strange looking squid please" he orders, upon which the Maitre 'd immediately takes it out of the tank and still live uts it onto Gervaises plate and places a large carving knife in his hand and is told, "In this establishment you are expected to kill your own food before eating"

Gervaise looks from the knife to the squid, and cannot do it, the little face with it's moustache too human lloking for him and declines to it.

The Maitre 'd then decides to call out his German pot pot washer to do the deed, "Hans, come and kill this squid for Mr Gervaise!"

A very large, scary looking,brutish man comes out of the kitchens wielding a huge cleaver and stands above the squid to deliver the killing blow, when he too catches the eyes of the squid and it's little human looking face and also cannot bring himself to kill it.

The moral of this story is "Hans that does dishes is as soft as Gervaise, with mild green, hairy lip squid"

Sorry!!

mini
9th Nov 2005, 00:28
Farmer 1, funniest gag I've read in an age... still laughing. :ok:

Nani
9th Nov 2005, 06:04
A minister was completing a sermon on the sin of overindulgance...specifically with liquor.

With great emphasis he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river!"

With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had
all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river!!"

And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he
said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world,
I'd take it and pour it into the river!!!"

Sermon complete, he sat down.


The song leader stood very cautiously and announced
with a smile, nearly laughing, "For our closing song,
let us sing Hymn #365, "Shall We Gather at the River."

Hobo
10th Nov 2005, 09:06
On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband
and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly
aroused state, her husband readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30
years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her
husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to
find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and
therefore, they were financially ruined.


Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty
years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then she
showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth
over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank. She explained that for the more than three decades she had "charged" him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million,
her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found
his voice and blurted out, "If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I
would have given you all my business!"

MikeJeff
10th Nov 2005, 11:24
awful!!

A man goes to the zoo and finds only one animal there.... a dog
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
It was a shitzu!

Sooty
7th Dec 2005, 12:39
What's orange and sounds like a Parrot?

















A Carrot

G-CPTN
7th Dec 2005, 12:48
What's brown and sticky?













































A stick!

Trip Switch
7th Dec 2005, 12:53
Divorce in Heaven

There was a couple who was about to get married. Before the wedding, they had a tragic accident and both died. As they were standing at the gates of heaven talking to St. Peter they explained their plight and asked could they get married in heaven. St. Peter said, "Wait here," and left.

He was gone for several months then finally returned. The couple said, "We've been thinking as we were waiting here, eternity is a long time to be married. Just in case things don't work out, is it possible that we can get a divorce?" St. Peter looked them sternly in the eye then said, "Listen! It took me three months to find a preacher up here, do you know how long it would take me to find a lawyer?"

edusaeanna
7th Dec 2005, 13:02
What's brown and looks through the window?





































A poo on stilts!:p

sprocket
7th Dec 2005, 13:06
TFS: That wasn't bad, it was SICK.

.... THIS is bad.


A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller.
He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says
his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay,
he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain
elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank
manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out
there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants
to use this as collateral."
She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"
The bank manager looks back at her and says...

"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a
Rolling Stone!"

Send Clowns
7th Dec 2005, 13:20
What's brown and sticky and runs round a field?














A fence :p