View Full Version : Complaint Letter

3rd Nov 2005, 11:26
Below is a copy of a letter that won a competition in UK as complaint letter of the year...have a laugh and
read on.
Complaint Letter of the Year. The British do have a way with words.... A real-life customer complaint
letter sent to NTL (to their complaints dept....)

Dear Cretins,
I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for
your 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone. During this
three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I had
not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity
of monolithic proportions. Please allow me to provide specific details,
so that you can either pursue your professional perogative, and seek to
rectify these difficulties - or more likely (I suspect) so that you can
have some entertaining reading material as you while away the working
day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office:
My initial installation was cancelled without warning, resulting in my
spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for your
technician to arrive. When he did not arrive, I spent a further 57
minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more
annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful
I alleviated the boredom by playing with my testicles for a few minutes
- an activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and highly adept.
The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later,
although the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools -
such as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum. Two weeks later, my cable modem
had still not arrived. After 15 telephone calls over 4 weeks my modem
arrived... six weeks after I had requested it, and begun to pay for it.
I estimate your internet server's downtime is roughly 35%... hours
between about 6pm -midnight, Mon-Fri, and most of the weekend. I am
still waiting for my telephone connection. I have made 9 calls on my
mobile to your no-help line, and have been unhelpfully transferred to a
variety of disinterested individuals, who are it seems also highly
skilled bollock jugglers.
I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and someone
will call me back); that no telephone line is available (and someone
will call me back); that I will be transferred to someone who knows
whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been cut off);
that I will be transferred to someone (and then been redirected to an
answer machine informing me that your office is closed); that I will be
transferred to someone and then been redirected to the irritating
Scottish robot woman...and several other variations on this theme.
Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter, as you have at least a
thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of
those crucially important testicle-moments to attend to. Frankly I don't
care, it's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustration's
in print than to shout them at your unending hold music. Forgive me,
therefore, if I continue.
I thought BT were shit, that they had attained the holy piss-pot of godawful
customer relations, that no-one, anywhere, ever, could be more
disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service to
their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and because, well, there isn't
anyone else is there? How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered
to my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless
shower of bastards you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of
distended rectum incompetents of the highest order.
British Telecom - wankers though they are - shine like brilliant beacons
of success, in the filthy puss-filled mire of your seemingly limitless
inadequacy. Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and
foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that
you cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for
the services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to
deliver - any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and
disbelief quickly be replaced by derision, and even perhaps bemused
rage. I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my
cats litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for
both you and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not
become desiccated during transit - they were satisfyingly moist at the
time of posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did
not experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them
the very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and its worthless
Have a nice day - may it be the last in you miserable short life, you
irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of twats.

3rd Nov 2005, 11:42
Hey, that reminds me, I've got a really funny photo of an off runway excursion by a Qantas 747 - I'll dig it out. :)

Volmet South
3rd Nov 2005, 11:43
A very close friend used to work for NTL and he had to lie at parties, on dates etc. about who his employer was. He was always subjected to stories about how p*ss-poor the company is.

welcome to NTL ! (http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/nottinghamshire/3693256.stm)

phoenix son
3rd Nov 2005, 11:48
There's this HILARIOUS e-mail someone sent me about the things pilots write in the Tech Log and the engineers' responses...Should I post it?:E

3rd Nov 2005, 11:51
Ooooh Phoenix, go on then, never seen that before :rolleyes:

3rd Nov 2005, 11:55
What happened to the one about the beavers dams?



The Nr Fairy
3rd Nov 2005, 11:55
My favourite. (http://money.guardian.co.uk/tax/story/0,1456,1050425,00.html)

Biggles Flies Undone
3rd Nov 2005, 12:06
Anyone heard the one about Santa on his FAA check flight? :hmm:

African Tech Rep
3rd Nov 2005, 12:54
Hope he didnít copywrite it.

Off to buy cat then change NTL to suitable SA alternatives

No Biggles - go for it

3rd Nov 2005, 13:02
African Tech Rep

You beat me to it ! Sounds JUST like my experiences with the Department of Home Affairs (still waiting for my ID book - 10 months so far.....)

3rd Nov 2005, 15:04
You guys are so harsh............

As if you would give sh*t to somebody for repeating a joke.

3rd Nov 2005, 15:24
Just don't mention Snopes, ok? They're a bunch of liars. :8

3rd Nov 2005, 15:53
I am sorry for posting this, obviously some of you are way ahead of me in finding useless bits of info on the net. Ignore the fact you have seen it before, I trust you found it funny the first time you tripped over it ? I have read it several times and still find it funny and it still brings a smile to my face. Do jokes stop being funny just because you have heard them before ?:D

3rd Nov 2005, 15:59
Nick........ s'allright mate.

This has been one of the more gentle ribbings. ;)

And Binos is just happy he actually remembered that he had seen it before. :E

Biggles Flies Undone
3rd Nov 2005, 16:04
It's just a bit of banter, Nick. Try posting it in the Mil forum - they'll love it ;)

3rd Nov 2005, 16:07
Biggles........yer evil mate.

3rd Nov 2005, 16:11
Did you not notice the smiley on the end ?:=