Penguins for the Typhoon

[Chippik]

Found on the RAF website that the Typhoon will carry the Penguin for maritime roles, what does the penguin do? is it a sea skimming anti ship missile or is it a torpedo?

[PPRuNeUser0211]

IIRC penguin is indeed a small air launched sea skimming anti ship missile used a lot by Norwegians! Helicopter or F/W launchable.... didn't know the Typhoon was getting them though!

http://www.fas.org/man/dod-101/sys/missile/agm-119.htm for more....

[Jackonicko]

Bol.locks! I'm a journo. I know these things.

I read on the RAF website that the Typhoon will carry the Penguin for maritime roles, and immediately scented a story. Small flightless birds being carried by the RAF's new fighter? Amazing! Think of the animal cruelty angle.

During an airshow I met a bloke wearing a funny green overall with too many pockets and lots of zips and badges, one of which had a funny pair of wings and the letters RAF on it. He said that he was a pilot. I asked him about this and he told me that a Penguin is a small chocolate covered biscuit, individually wrapped. He said that it has been scientifically determined to provide the best possible inflight snack experience for the pilots of the RAF's newest and most technologically advanced fighter.

I had to confirm a number of details quickly to determine the veracity of the story, namely: was the Typhoon carrying chocolate biscuits, if it was...what was being done to protect the crews from obesity and tooth decay and, vitally, could this cause a major litter problem?

As a Journo I have a number of good contacts at all sorts of retailers of snacks and confectionary and immediately met one of them who confirmed that the Penguin was indeed a chocolate bar and that the rumour doing the rounds was that the snack was being carried by RAF aircrew in preference to the Tunnocks bar, or the Wagon Wheel.

While the latter seemed incredible, I trust my contacts implicitly and as a result the story had become more than just a “random nutter tip-off” job that we sometimes have to deal with.

Armed with the information above I went to the relevant authorities. I had a conversation with a Coningsby spokesman and put everything to him: the anti-ship missile, the flightless bird, the chocolate biscuit etc and asked for comment and guidance.

He initially told me that he was pretty sure that the RAF wouldn't use birds in the maritime role, and that there had been no change in rationing policy for the Typhoon. My story was dead. I asked him to double check and to get back to me. Coningsby's CRO called back 10 mins later and said he hadn't heard about any plans for anti-ship missiles on Typhoon, that they were concentrating on getting the aircraft into full operational service, standing up the first frontline squadron, and beyond that at getting what he called an austere air-to-ground capability. Just so much technical flim-flam. When I said that I'd been told that Penguin was a biscuit, he laughed. When pressed about the biscuit theory he refused to comment saying that no new policy on biscuits had been announced. No denial….no off-the-record guidance…..just a stone wall.

I knew I was onto a major scoop!

Now the spokesman would have had a pretty good idea about the new biscuit, the Typhoon pilots would definitely have said something to somebody. The first question they would have been asked in the mess/by mobile/e-mail would have been: “What the f**K are those new biscuits like Iceman/Jester/Smudge???” The stackers would have been taking them home and trying to issue inferior Club biscuits or even non-branded biscuits from Asda. Coningsby would have been buzzing!

And I don’t care what any of you say, the CRO would have had some semblance of an idea about the new biscuits, and some off-the-record guidance could have helped at this stage. No denial thus far, only stone walls and an unusual air of secrecy. Certainly no detailed off-the-record chat, and no invitation to taste the new biscuit.

So do the RAF eat Penguin biscuits? How’s a layman supposed to find that out?
Well….no use asking any of you lot for some basic technical guidance…... I can imagine the latter stages of the conversation on the doorstep of your Biggin Hill mansions: “F**k off tabloid scum….no point speaking to you….you’ll only get the story wrong.” How unjust!

Cue, therefore, a phone-call to Alan W*rnes, editor of Air Forces Monthly, the most senior and respected expert on biscuits and snack foods that I know. I gave Alan every detail of the story and asked him if it was possible. He confirmed on the record that the Penguin is indeed a chocolate biscuit, and that he had once eaten one, he thought, in a Lyneham lunch box on a Hercules.
Alan even recalled a number of incidents when he'd seen Penguin wrappers in bins outside the Naafi.

Interesting...let's raise the bar..

Sources at RAF Coningsby continued to tell me that Penguin was a biscuit, and so I phoned the MoD Press Desk and gave him every detail I had. Told him about Coningsby contacts, the Coningsby spokesman’s chat, the flightless bird and chocolate biscuit theory, 'Fatty' Warnes, and outlined the story I intended to write.

I asked for confirmation that it was indeed a biscuit, but he refused to help me. There was silence. They should do something about the phone lines, however, since there was a funny spluttering noise.

I’ve now got more than enough to go on. An unusual level of secrecy about the incident. A number of independent sources at the base saying the same thing, no denial whatsoever from two official RAF spokesmen. Combine these facts with one of the most senior aviation magazine editors in the UK confirming that Penguin was a brand of biscuit and that he’s eaten one on an RAF aircraft and the story is a shoe-in.

I fully expect to win the 'Aviation Journalist of the Year' competition next year, and to get my own TV show.

[Conan the Librarian]

Typhoon to carry Penguins? Are you sure that they aren't carried in those little white epicure boxes that stodge you up for lunch?

Conan

[Dop]

Will the RAAF version have Tim-Tams instead?

[ORAC]

He initially told me that he was pretty sure that the RAF wouldn't use birds in the maritime role

That'll be the Equal Opportunities lot after them as well then...... :(

[CBA_caption]

Jacko,

Brilliant!

CBA

[Gainesy]

Jacko's story is bolleaux, everyone knows that Mike G**hing is the defence aviation journo biccy expert.

They even named an A-bomb after him.:)

[Chairborne 09.00hrs]

"Fatty" Warnes?


Pot

Kettle

Black

;)

[Jackonicko]

Hardly. HE isn't fat at all......

[Sven Sixtoo]

AAM destroys Sea-Skimming Missile.

No Story

ASM destroys AAM

Scoop!


:ok:

[diginagain]

I reckon you've got a ghost writer, and you're just out to grab the plaudits.

[Lyneham Lad]

Time weighing heavily on your hands Jacko? Obviously a quiet time in the aviation world.

PS - brilliant post. Bet the DR doesn't acknowledge it.

[chrisburden21]

Jacko,

Hahaha!! Good Work.

CB

[Data-Lynx]

Jacko. Cracking read and as for your getting what he called an austere air-to-ground capability, how do you launch your biscuit if its top speed is the same as the Typhoo's best cruise without burner?

[MReyn24050]

Jacko, excellent. You don't also write under the pen name "Redtop" by any chance?

[Safeware]

D_L,how do you launch your biscuit if its top speed is the same as the Typhoo's best cruise without burner? Easily, I'd say.

Jacko, had me in stitches. But you forgot the EF position - Penguin - a yes, you can have that at .. erm .. wait for it .. deferral .. mumble mumble .. Tranche 3, as long as you take it with Bandit and realise that it will all be a bit of a Marathon and we may yet take a Timeout.

sw

[Jackonicko]

SW,

You're revelling in a galaxy of chocolate references there in your reference to the Typhoon programme, which has always been a bit of a fudge. You should be careful, or people will assume that you're a bit of a flake.

However, it did make me laugh and made me Rollover and shake uncontrollably.

But perhaps now we can get back to matters Aeronautical?

[Rakshasa]

You're an evil, evil man, Jacko! :ok:

[Roland Pulfrew]

JN

Thanks for that - I now have tea over the monitttor and my keyyboard seeeems to be plaaayyying up!

Excellent.:ok: :D

[Safeware]

Jacko,

I know, it really takes the biscuit. But that's what happens when you are stuck twix_t a rock and a hard place.

ok, ok I'll stop now.

sw

[Chairborne 09.00hrs]

"HE isn't fat at all......"


No, no, Jacko - I'm not fat: just under-height!

[Boogeyboard]

Penguins retail at 27p in popular high street confectioners and should not be confused with the rigorously trialled:

NATO P/N 000568PTN6877 - Cacao creme & crumble calorie dispenser - Shelf life 4months (unwrapped) @ £2,716.46

Wrapped - optional extra @ £1,126.02.

Supplied by the Belgian's apparently!

[Pierre Argh]

Hardly news, Nimrods have carried Penquins for years... and pasties and sandwiches, and yoghurt and meat pies and sausages and spangles (does anyone remember spangles?) etc etc etc.

"Why do Nimrod's always park up with the bomb doors open... so the nutty and crisp wrappers can fall out?"

[The Helpful Stacker]

Aren't the pasties carried on Nimrods designed to be used as wheel chocks as well as 'food'?