View Full Version : Shed owners beware!

Darth Nigel
26th Oct 2005, 14:30
A wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman.
With superhuman strength borne of fury, she dragged him down the stairs, out the back door, and into the tool shed in the back yard and put his private parts in a vice.
She then secured it tightly and removed the handle. Next she picked up a hacksaw.

The husband was terrified, and screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to cut it off, are you?"

The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the saw in her husband's hand and said, "Nope. I'm going to set the shed on fire. You do whatever you have to."

26th Oct 2005, 15:09
[pedantic ON]

Removing the handle on any bench vice I've ever used would be extremely difficult...

[pedantic OFF]

Haven't got a shed either... ;)

arthur harbrow
26th Oct 2005, 16:31
He should have done what i do and ban all women from his shed.
A mans shed is his castle[ wooden of course].

26th Oct 2005, 17:32
True Story

Man in Northumberland looks out of bedroom window and see 2 men breaking into his shed.

Calls 999.

'Police please, 2 men breaking into my shed at ..(address given).

'Sorry sir, no officers available, pse take descriptions and we will be there when we can'

Total disbelief so rings back 2 minutes later

'Those 2 men are still there and they are removing my stuff and are about to leave'

'Sorry sir, still no officers available, pse take descriptions and list all goods missing' Hangs up.

He is now incensed. Phones up.

'Ref those 2 burglars, don't bother I have just shot them both'. Hangs up.

5 minutes later, 2 police cars and 4 officers arrive at speed, man goes out to meet them. Tey are hiding behind car doors.

'We have been told you have shot 2 burglars on your property'

'I was told there were no officers available.....Now about my shed..'

26th Oct 2005, 20:13
The first story would explain why they're called tool sheds. :uhoh:

Desert Dingo
26th Oct 2005, 21:23
True story
See Snopes (http://www.snopes.com/crime/safety/response.htm)

Anything containing "True story" or "Send this to all your friends" should trigger your BullSh!t Alarm.

27th Oct 2005, 01:21
I heard the sound of glass breaking next door so I called the police. Within less than a minute one patrol car with two officers and a van with two officers and a dog were outside. The glass in the neighbours door was broken and the door was ajar. The dog went in first. They found the culprit cowering in the bathroom and dragged him out of the house. I was asked to identify him. Yes it was my neighbour, much the worse for the stag party he'd just been to. Couldn't get the key into the lock so he busted the glass to open the door. Daft b*gger! If it was me, I'd have slept in the shed...

The police response was quick and efficient. No complaints.

27th Oct 2005, 03:54
Awww Blacksheep you just ruin all the fun! You mist a golden chance to slag the authorities ;)

27th Oct 2005, 09:14
Desert Dingo.

I've been had! Good story though.

Bet you tell kids Santa is dead.

27th Oct 2005, 09:36
Snopes web site

Who are the biggest nurds, those who compile sites like that or those of us who read them?

I bet that got them a few more readers :D

27th Oct 2005, 10:39
Reminds me of a comment by a panelist on Gardeners' Question Time, about the laborious job of digging over an allotment at the end of the season .. 'just call the police and tell them you suspect there's a body buried there'.

28th Oct 2005, 04:26
Awww Blacksheep you just ruin all the fun! You mist a golden chance to slag the authorities Credit where credit's due, slagging off when justified.

A shed is man's castle, no sense in breaking down the front door when there's a perfectly good shed out in the back garden.

Shiny side down
28th Oct 2005, 04:56
My car was once broken into.(actually more than once)

Heard it, saw the buggers, recognised a couple, and called the police. its about 2am.
I gave the police a description of the sods, and the direction they were seen scarpering in. Which happened to be a few roads away where they lived.

The police arrived at my door about 15 minutes later.
Did I see them?:confused:
did I recognise them?:confused:
Could I give a description?:confused:
Were there any witnesses (other than your family?)

Final response from the police was that they couldn't really do anything as there was not enough information.:confused:

28th Oct 2005, 08:06
A couple of years ago about midday I was driving through a suburb of one of the cities in the NW (I won't mention the name L*******l as although that is where it was it would seem to be too much of a cliché).

As I passed a place where a house backed onto a school playing field I spotted a couple of lads just climbing over the wall into the garden. I dialled 999 and within four minutes three police cars were on the scene just in time to catch the scrotes as they climbed back out over the wall carrying a couple of lap tops and a dvd player. As an added bonus it turned out that they had also set fire to furniture in the house.

A successful prosecution followed.

Excellent work by the police I suggest.

Buster Hyman
28th Oct 2005, 08:16
...Probably because it was a Coppers house!http://www.clicksmilies.com/s0105/spezial/Fool/hmm.gif