View Full Version : Should we invade france??

30th Sep 2005, 20:40
Look at the pro's on this..

*Would cost next to nothing as they are so close anyway.

*Would not be difficult as their proven track record shows.

*We would then own Sangatte so all the asylum-seekers there would already be on UK territory and wouldnt feel the need to flood the streets of London etc.

*Would be good practice for our forces anyway.

*The women there are being oppressed into believing that hairy armpits are the norm.

*They have been 'asking for it' for ages.

Cant think of any cons.


30th Sep 2005, 20:44
Well, judging by past perfoprmance, you chaps might have a problem finding your way across the channel (= navigating) , despite the tunnel dug by the French, despite the lure of cheap booze. Hop on a charter (shell suit, can of lager, duty free and all) and get yourselves to Ibiza is more your style........:rolleyes:

30th Sep 2005, 20:47
We already own Ibiza..5 months of the year!

30th Sep 2005, 20:49
I thought we were already taking over France.....

......By buying up all the properties over here one at a time.....:E :suspect:

30th Sep 2005, 20:59
I plan a short-term invasion in two weeks' time.

Why is France the most favoured holiday destination in Europe?

Apart from the beaches, the mountains, the food, the wine, the cities, the towns, the food, the wine, the civilised and friendly people, the food, the wine, the coastline, the history, the food, the wine, the lovely people........

I just can't work it out at all.

30th Sep 2005, 20:59
How many men does it take to defend Paris ?

30th Sep 2005, 21:00

Some very interesting points,

1. France is very close to the UK but all of our troops are 4000 miles away on a beach near an oil rig.

2. Agree.

3. Agree.

4. Agree. Last time they practised on Gib they got the wrong country. France might be bigger and easier.

5. Not sure. UK birds think exposed fat bellys, tats and pierced everything is OK. Give me a French Lady anytime:-).

6. Yes they have. If you had Chirac you would to.

Viva la dif......

30th Sep 2005, 21:00
>How many men does it take to defend Paris ?


Dunno - it's never been done . . .

The Desert Ferret
30th Sep 2005, 22:46
The French are crapping themselves as they've been rumbled - the farming subsidies will end, maybe not immediately, but in the near future - and not necessarily be forced by the UK.

I for one am going to enjoy watching them get slowly screwed as the rest of Europe (and the world) leaves them for dust.

We don't need to invade them - just turn off the tap.

30th Sep 2005, 22:53
I thought we already invaded France back in 1944, however, history does have a habit of repeating itself. Gee, maybe we could bomb them with disposable razors?:E

Onan the Clumsy
1st Oct 2005, 02:16
Actually, they already invaded us, in 1066.

quite succesfully too.

1st Oct 2005, 02:23
only if we an exterminate all of the male ones and just keep those long, thin, fit and pretty madammes with the rear portion presented to you in a standing position - I'm all for it lads !

1st Oct 2005, 02:24
Well, that was 951 years ago.

Suggest we go in and liberate all the wine, cheese and truffles available. Shouldn't take more than than eight hours.

1st Oct 2005, 15:13
We've saved their miserable country on two occasions from invasion, and they're still not grateful for it. I say we should have stayed in France after WWII like the USSR did in Eastern Europe and taken it over then. But then again it's not really worth taking over - I've been all over France and Europe over the past few years and I still can't understand why British people are so keen to move out there. Still I'm not complaining - relieves overcrowding in England a little bit.

By the way I'm not that keen on France.

Captain Airclues
1st Oct 2005, 15:39
Has anyone told Mr Blair that France has WMD's. It worked last time.


ps. Is WMD's correct, or should it be W'sMD?

The Desert Ferret
1st Oct 2005, 16:47
Lets be correct about 1066 - we were invaded by Normans (which is an evolution of Norseman - from whence they came - they were pre-Viking Vikings).

They invaded France then England (its a bit more complicated by that but that'll do).

The French were subdued by the Normans - we were not invaded by the bog-standard French. We were conquored by their masters.

To be fair the Normans conquored just about everywhere - they even made a fist of the Crusades whilst everybody else made a pigs ear of it.

1st Oct 2005, 16:48
Not a good idea; the last time anyone invaded France, a big chunk of the population collaborated (though they don`t like to be reminded).....I`m not sure their friendship on those terms would be a nice thing....and the rest would fight back in a particularly sneaky and underhand way. Leave `em alone I say; their indifference towards us is quite bearable.

Lock n' Load
1st Oct 2005, 17:08
Either WMDs or WsMD, Captain. No apostrophe unless you want to make it a possessive...

1st Oct 2005, 17:10

peace and love

1st Oct 2005, 17:56
I strongly recommend an invasion.

But first we need perhaps ten years of intelligence data from our operatives living in France on very generous budgets.

I submit that I would be the ideal such operaitive. When do I start? Oh, and I get to choose my own locale to gather information.

Please send PM with instructions and bank account number.


1st Oct 2005, 18:17
UK birds think exposed fat bellys, tats and pierced everything is OK. Give me a French Lady anytime:-)

Oh yes !!!!

So. we would need more troops. We could recruit some of the chavs that litter our town centres. Just tell them they are going to liberate cans of Stella and they will sign up instantly (I know it not actually French BTW, but the average greater spotted hooded chav doesn't )

Actually, I think invading France is a bad idea. I look forward to my trips there so I don't have to see so many fat, spotty, thick Brits.

Now, how about an invasion of Germany - it'd be a sort of own goal for them and their beer is really good. Pity about the food though

1st Oct 2005, 18:22
Mr seacue

I can get you some interesting first hand informations, and I'm not that expensive..., one or two casks of Château Petrus (or Yquem) per day will do

Captain Airclues
1st Oct 2005, 19:02
Lock n' Load

Many thanks for that.

Airclues (Grade 'C' English O-level 1964)

ps. If we are going to invade, could we please wait until after the Boujolais flights?

1st Oct 2005, 19:38
Hi All.

Having had the sad pleasure of driving trucks over France,they can keep it.

We made a pigs ear of the `Chunnel`,should have turned further left and stopped in Belguim.


1st Oct 2005, 23:11
God imagine!!

You'd only f*ck the place up!

Binge drinking
That unholy accent
High Taxes
Exhorbitant Prices
English Breakfasts
Soap Operas
The 'Pound'
Shitty cars
Shitty food
Tony Blair

Stay away!!!!!

1st Oct 2005, 23:34
M. Bre,

You must accept that you are inherently disqualified from being an information gatherer since you are a French national. And you take for granted things which would cause disaster for the invading army. Don't you realize that the advancing troups would be delayed for hours searching maps for the place named Toutes Directions? And your price is too low - leading to questions about the value of the infos you provide.

Only an etranger such as I can provide the pre, pre, pre, pre-invasion infos in proper English terms. And, as I pointed out, at least ten years of on-site reporting is vital. I'm available now.


PS.. M. Bre,
Could you freeze-dry some of those figs and Tardis them this way? You should certainly have access to a few litres of liquid nitrogen.

2nd Oct 2005, 02:22
God imagine!! ..

I hope you realise you speak of our finest chav troops that years of politically correct cultivation have produced!!!!

I propose we also invade the carparks and walls opposite cornershops!!!

..its 0321 and i'm 'refreshed'..forgive me.

The Desert Ferret
2nd Oct 2005, 02:31
Farrel - higher tax?

Sack your accountant if you're paying more tax in France than the UK.

2nd Oct 2005, 02:37

it's the UK taxes i'm talking about! :rolleyes:

The Desert Ferret
2nd Oct 2005, 02:54

I understood your mail - you were citing exhorbitant tax in the UK implying that they would be transferred to France should we invade.

But given tax is higher in France than the UK (Anglo-Saxon economic model v Gallic model etc) I was a bit alarmed that you might not be aware of that and is getting shafted by someone!

There aren't that many countries in Western Europe that pay less tax than UK. Eastern Europe is the place to be if you're a tax-o-phoebe.


2nd Oct 2005, 10:08
A few appropriate things I dragged off an old proon site. By the time you finish reading it you will have either (a) forgotten you wanted to invade the place in the first place or (b) turned around and found out that all your spear carriers have all buggered off to the pub.


The following advisory for travellers heading France compiled from information provided by the US State department, the Central Intelligence Agency, the US Chamber of Commerce, the Food and Drug Administration, the Centers for Disease Control, and some very expensive Spy satellites that the French don't know about.It is intended as a guide for American travellers only. No guarantee of accuracy is ensured or intended.
General Overview:
France is a medium-sized foreign country situated in the continent of Europe. It is an important member of the world community, though not nearly as important as it thinks. It is bounded by Germany, Spain, Switzerland, and some smaller nations of no particular consequence and with not very good shopping. France is a very old country with many treasures, such as the Louvre and EuroDisney. Among its contributions to western civilization are champagne, Camembert cheese and the guillotine.Although France likes to think of itself as a modern nation, air conditioning is little used and it is next to impossible to get decent Mexican food. One continuing exasperation for American visitors is that the people wilfully persist in speaking French, though many will speak English if shouted at. As in any foreign country, watch your change at all times.
The People:
France has a population of 54 million people, most of whom drink and smoke a great deal, drive like lunatics, are dangerously oversexed, and have no concept of standing patiently in line. They rarely bathe and when they do, they use no soap under their armpits and in their pubic area. The French people are in general gloomy, temperamental, proud, arrogant, aloof and undisciplined; and those are their good points. Most French citizens are Roman Catholic, though you would hardly guess it from their behaviour. Many people are communists, and topless sunbathing is common. Men sometimes have girls names like Marie, and they kiss each other when they hand out medals. American travellers are advised to travel in groups and to wear baseball caps and colourful trousers for easier mutual recognition.
In general, France is a safe destination, travellers are advised that, from time to time, it is invaded by Germany. By tradition, the French surrender more or less at once and, apart from a temporary shortage of Scotch whisky and increased difficulty in getting baseball scores and stock market prices, life for the visitor generally goes on much as before. A tunnel connecting France and Britain beneath the English Channel has been opened in recent years to make it easier for the Government to flee to London.
France was discovered by Charlemagne in the Dark Ages. Other important historical figures are Louis XIV, the Huguenots, Joan of Arc, Jacques Cousteau and Charles de Gaulle, who was President for many years. And is now an airport.
The French form of government is democratic but noisy. Elections are held more or less continuously, and always result in a run-off. For administrative purposes, the country is divided up into regions, departments, districts, municipalities, cantons, communes, villages, cafes, booths and floor tiles. Parliament consists of two chambers, the Upper and Lower (though, confusingly, both are on the ground floor), whose members are either Gaullists or communists, neither of whom is to be trusted, frankly. Parliaments principal preoccupations are setting off atomic bombs in the South Pacific, and acting indignant when anyone complains. According to the most current State Department intelligence, the President is now someone named Jacques. Further information is not available at this time.
The French pride themselves on their culture, though it is not easy to see why. All their songs sound the same, and they have hardly ever made a film that you would want to watch for anything but the nude scenes. And nothing, of course, is more boring than a French novel (except, perhaps, an evening with a French family-ha! ha! ha!).
Lets face it, no matter how much garlic you put on it, a snail is just a slug with a shell on its back. Croissants, on the other hand, are excellent, though it is impossible for most Americans to pronounce this word. In general, travellers are advised to stick to cheeseburgers at leading hotels such as Sheraton and Holiday Inn.
France has a large and diversified economy, second only to Germany's in Europe, which is surprising because people hardly work at all. If they are not spending four hours dawdling over lunch, then they are on strike and blocking the road with their lorries and tractors. France's principal exports, in order of importance to the economy, are wine, nuclear weapons, perfume, guided missiles, champagne, high-calibre weaponry, grenade launchers, landmines, tanks, attack aircraft, miscellaneous armaments and cheese.
Public Holidays:
France has more holidays than any other in the world. Among its 361 national holidays are 197 Saints Days, 37 National Liberation Days, 16 Declaration of Republic Days, 54 Return of Charles de Gaulle in Triumphas if he Won the War Single-Handed Days, 18 Napoleon sent into Exile Days,17 Napoleon Called Back from Exile Days, and 112 France is Great and the Rest of the World is Rubbish Days. Other important holidays are National Nuclear Bomb Day (January 12), the Feast of Ste Brigitte Bardot Day (March 1), and National Guillotine Day (November 12). Conclusion:
France enjoys a rich history, a picturesque and varied landscape, and a temperate climate. In short, it would be a very nice country if it weren't inhabited by French people. The best thing that can be said for it is that it is not Germany.A word of warning: The consular services of the United States government are intended solely for the promotion of the interests of American businesses such as McDonalds, Pizza Hut and the Coca-Cola Corporation. In the event that you are the victim of a crime or serious injury involving at least the loss of a limb, report to the American Embassy between the hours of 5.15am and 5.20am on a Tuesday or Wednesday, and a consular official who is supremely indifferent to your plight will give you a list of qualified dentists or something similarly useless. Remember, no one ordered you to go abroad. Personally, we always take our holidays at Miami Beach, and you are advised to as well. Thank you and good luck.

How about some french military history Gallic Wars - Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian. Hundred Years War - Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare; "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman." Italian Wars - Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians. Wars of Religion - France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots. Thirty Years War - France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her. War of Devolution - Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux. The Dutch War - Tied. War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power. War of the Spanish Succession - Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since. American Revolution - In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare; "France only wins when America does most of the fighting." French Revolution - Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French. The Napoleonic Wars - Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer. The Franco-Prussian War - Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night. World War I - Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline. World War II - Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song. War in Indochina - Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu. Algerian Rebellion - Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare; "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux. The question for any country silly enough to count on the French should not be "Can we count on the French?", but rather "How long until France collapses?"

2nd Oct 2005, 10:36
I took the liberty of editing your post because as it was, pprune was running the risk of being sued for severe eyesight loss by its members, so I divided it in paragraphs.

Also, I wanted to point out that:
1) Julius Caesar was not Italian, he was Roman
2) about the military actions, you forgot to mention the Invasion of England, 1066 which they successfully carried out.

Check 6
2nd Oct 2005, 11:11
Heatseeker, I will take the "libery" of saying thank you for sharing this.

Check 6


Solid Rust Twotter
2nd Oct 2005, 11:17
Invade France?

What would you do for the rest of the afternoon....?:E :ok:

2nd Oct 2005, 11:27
Invade France eh?
Where would we go on the cheap Booze Cruises then once Blair had put the prices up sky high? :{
And, we'd have to take on the Germans again as well, due to them being the Froggies best mates and all that :ouch:

2nd Oct 2005, 11:39
Well.... I'd give Paris a shot..

or two...

Oh, not that one you say... sorry..


2nd Oct 2005, 11:54
Hey Blu

1066 was a luck away win on their part


we've been bailing them out of the shite ever since

H :E :E :E

2nd Oct 2005, 14:46
But why don't you ever mention it if it doesn't hurt? :E

2nd Oct 2005, 16:15
:O How will the spolis be divvied up you 'big stwooong warrior men' :E ? You know, like the truffles, champagne and cheese? :p We likessss....:E

The Desert Ferret
2nd Oct 2005, 17:06
See earlier post - we were conquored by the Normans - not the French.

The French had already been conquored themselves by said Normans.

2nd Oct 2005, 17:17
Wouldn't we have to get permission from George Dubya first ?

Romeo Charlie
2nd Oct 2005, 20:15
The Normans themselves were nothing to worry about, but the tribes they brought with them were another matter.
The Allans - proud, fearsome cavalrymen originally from the Urals.
The Blounts - proficient archers orig from Denmark.
The Bottreaux - Belgian troops.

Modern day descendants of all these tribes can be found primarily in southern England and Cornwall as they were awarded lands in the south as payment for assisting William. There is a Castle Bottreaux in Boscastle, the Blounts (Blunts) most famous member was a spy, and the Allans have a very interesting history with branches of the tribe being in England and Cornwall, Rome (having sacked it causing the downfall of the Roman Empire) and Georgia (famous members being Katy Melua and Joseph Stalin). The tribe originally moved westwards to escape the Huns with one branch heading to Georgia and the rest heading into France - one lot going south to N Africa and thence Rome, the other came over with William.

2nd Oct 2005, 20:22
Should we invade france?? Why? It means nothing in the modern world. Who cares about France anyway? What does it offer the world economy? And don't say Airbus. It's a subsided multi national effort.


2nd Oct 2005, 21:44
Judging by the number of Brits in the Dordogne I'd hazard a guess that the invasion has already begun....


Cant think of any cons.

Seeing as how 'con' is rude French for that part of the anatomy with which women are blessed and men aren't, I can think of quite a few 'cons' over there already!


3rd Oct 2005, 04:15
That post of yours is an outrage Heatseeker - Running the French down is an Englishman's privilege and I will defend their reputation to the death against the Americans.

Or I would if they had a reputation to defend... :}

3rd Oct 2005, 06:42
"Why? It means nothing in the modern world. Who cares about France anyway? What does it offer the world economy? And don't say Airbus. It's a subsided multi national effort."

- Great wine
- Great food
- Beautiful women
- Beautiful countryside, beaches, mountains
- Incredible language
- Movie industry among the best in the world

Which is a lot more than I can say about England. As for the USA... France still wins.

3rd Oct 2005, 06:55
Ah Blacksheep

Heatseeker used to be a pommy lad (albeit with a Welsh mother) so I am fully entitled to slag off the French.

Think about it though. If Harry has remembered to keep his head down instead of yelling across the battlefield "Oi, Bill, watch it mate. You'll have somebody's eye out in a minute" the good guys (us) would have beaten the bad guys (them) and then we could all have been German and avoided all that unpleasantness that took place during the last century. I mean, Harry was an Anglo Saxon and I'm sure I remember reading somewhere that Saxony wasn't part of the Home Counties.

Still, since the Normans were not really French but descendents of a bunch of hairy headed scandinavians it is probably a little unfair to blame the French for everything however they do have just a few things that they should be held to account for.

e.g. Chirac, De Gaul, Napoleon (I know, I know, he was really a Corsican but what the hell), the European Union - I could go on and on but you get my drift.

So, until the day they put their hands up and say sorree I suggest we all continue to maintain a stiff upper lip and remember the days when half the world was coloured red.

I know slagging really isn't a nice thing to do but just sometimes it do feel good.

H :) :) :)

3rd Oct 2005, 08:07
Half the world still is red. The only thing is that now there's a star in the top LH corner...

3rd Oct 2005, 11:17
....and twice a week I go to the local market in my tiny city in Southern France.

I have often the occasion to help and inform a lot of people and families from many Europe countries (including our both "hereditary ennemies" from across the channel or Rhine river) or from USA, Japan....

Whatever we may think about tourism, it's without any doubt much better than the kind of "invasion" you are discussing here.

Soldier's languages are allways something between animal and human.............and it's only when you hear civilian talk or sing that you have a chance to access to the beauty of languages such as German, Russian.......

Yesterday I had the occasion to hear Polish national anthem (and sing "La Marseillaise") at a ceremony, not far from my residence where we paid respect to Polish, Spanish and French Resistance members involved in deciphering Enigma messages from the Abwher, SS, Whermacht, Luftwaffe, Kriegsmarin, Gestapo,..... not to speak of Franquist and Mussolini between 1940 and 1942.

Then I recall one poem from the well known Louis Aragon (sorry another leftist):

"C'était un temps déraisonnable,
On avait mis les morts à table,
On prenait les loups pour des chiens.
La scène était-elle ou non drôle?
Moi, si j'y tenais mal mon rôle, C'était de n'y comprendre rien......."

3rd Oct 2005, 20:03
Credit where it's due, heatseeker, or Bill Bryson will be coming after you for breach of copyright...

And for those of you up in arms, he can be equally insulting about the U.K. - but he's a bit more sly about it....

4th Oct 2005, 03:32
Despite what I have said in previous posts - I absolutely love France!

Lifestyle, attitude, food, people - the lot!

Just a shame that I can't get a base there in the future :{
but at least there's always holidays!

4th Oct 2005, 06:55
fantastic idea!!:ok:

they need a bit of culture and this country is getting a little crowded so the extra space would be nice..

it wouldn't be too hard either .. not that i don't have a lot to do but the ever informing 'GOOGLE' has the answer....

type in french military victories
then hit..... i'm feeling lucky

answer sort of speaks for itself!!!!!!;)