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Astrodome
29th Sep 2005, 23:21
In Honour of Stupid People.

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping. (That's the only time I have to work on my hair.)

On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (The shoplifter special?)

On a bar of Dial soap -- "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be???....)

On some Swanson frozen dinners -- "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's just a suggestion.)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh!)

On Marks &Spencer Bread Pudding -- "Product will be hot after heating."(...and you thought????...)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron -- "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me time?)

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5 year-olds with head-colds off those bulldozers.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (...I'm taking this because???....)

On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to what?)

On a Japanese food processor -- "Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts -- "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: say what?)

On a child's Superman costume -- "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)

On a Swedish chainsaw -- "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." (Oh my God...was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

kooyheier
29th Sep 2005, 23:25
This is some funny shit astro:p :p

I think I just woke someone up in the house by laughing:E :E

RJM
30th Sep 2005, 00:30
Cast your mind back to the days of telegrams...

An Alsatian went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote:

“Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof.”

The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog: “There are only nine words here. You could send another ‘Woof’ for the same price.”

“But,” the dog replied, “that would make no sense at all.”

Crogs
30th Sep 2005, 02:44
A New Zealander, a sheep and a dog were survivors of a terrible shipwreck.

They found themselves stranded on a desert island and after being there for a while they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun go down.

One particular evening, the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle; a perfect night for romance. As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the Kiwi.

Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.

But the dog got jealous, growling fiercely until the Kiwi took his arm from around the sheep.

After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and lo, and behold, there was another shipwreck.

The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the Kiwi had ever seen.

She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her, and they slowly nursed her back to health.

When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to their evening beach ritual.

It was another beautiful evening: red cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze; perfect for a night of romance.

Pretty soon the New Zealander started to get 'those feelings' again. He fought them as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned over to the young woman, cautiously, and whispered in her ear...

'Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?'

UniFoxOs
30th Sep 2005, 08:05
Not strictly a joke but it made me laugh. Talking to a friend at a party the other night she was telling me how she worked in a chemist's shop some years ago. Naturally they stocked condoms. These only came in one size, but were (rather cannily as it turned out) stocked in packets of three and twelve. On a Friday afternoon the local lads would come in for "something for the weekend". The conversation would be:-

Lad "A packet of condoms, please miss"
Assistant "Large or small?"

My friend said - "Do you know, I don't remember ever selling a packet of three!"

kooyheier
30th Sep 2005, 08:25
A Irish chap was walking through the beautifull Scottish highlands, when he saw a shepperd with all his sheep in one of the fields. Sheamus walked up to the shepperd and said to the man "If I can guess how many sheep you have, am I allowed to pick on out and take it home to keep???" The shepperd astonished by the question presented to him by sheamus, Hasitated for a second but than came back with the reply. "offcourse you can" (thinking he would never be able to guess it anyway). "657 sheep" was the reply by sheamus. The shepperd was amazed, he guessed correctly. " well go ahead and pick on out"...... So sheamus did. Than the Shepperd said. "If I can guess from which country you are.....









Can I have my dog back!!!!!

lasernigel
30th Sep 2005, 11:00
An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are all to give speaches to the Deaf Society. All are keen to make an impression on their audience.

The Englishman goes first and to the surprise of his colleagues starts by rubbing first his chest and then his groin. When he finishes the Scotsman and Irishman ask him what he was doing.

Well" he explained" By rubbing my chest I indicated breasts and thus Ladies and by rubbing my groin I indicated balls and thus Gentlemen. So my speech started Ladies and Gentlemen".

On his way up to the podium the Scotsman thought to himself I'll go one better than that English bastard and started his speech by making an antler symbol with his fingers above his head before also rubbing his chest and his groin.

When he finished his colleagues asked what he was doing. "Well" he explained" By imitating antlers and then rubbing my chest and groin I was starting my speech by saying Dear Ladies and Gentlemen".

On his way up to the podium the Irishman thought to himself I'll go one further than those mainland bastards and started his speech by making an antler symbol above his head, rubbing his chest, and then his groin, and then masturbating furiously.

When he finished his colleagues asked him what he was doing. "Well" he explained," by imitating antlers, rubbing my chest and then my groin and then masturbating I was starting my speech by saying -
Dear Ladies and Gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure......."

AVIATECA
30th Sep 2005, 11:48
A 75 year old man goes to the Doctor.
"How are you? asks the Doc.
" I'm 75 years old, last year I married a beautiful 19 year old girl, and she's just given birth to a baby boy. What do you think about that?"
"Well", replies the doctor. "Let me tell you a story about an old patient of mine. Every weekend he used to go hunting in the woods with his shotgun. One morning he was in such a hurry to get to the woods that he picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. There he was in position in the woods waiting for prey when a huge beaver apeared out of the lake. In a flash, he picked up his umbrella and pointed it at the beaver. The beaver dropped down dead"
"That's unbelievable" says the man. "But someone else must have shot that beaver"
"Exactly" replies the doctor.

TheFlyingSquirrel
30th Sep 2005, 11:50
Paddy goes into the Hardware store...

" Hey you - diss feckin chain saw you sold me - you told me i'll be gettin 20 trees a day from it, an' I'm only gettin 4 ! "

" Give it here Paddy " said the shop keeper - he takes it up onto the counter and pulls the starter and the machine is going "bbbbbrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr"

" hey, what's dat feckin noise ?" Paddy says :O

RJM
30th Sep 2005, 12:01
More on the aged...

Sir Donald Bradman was in his late eighties by the time a young sports reporter, who had long idolised 'The Don', at last got to meet his hero.

It was at a cricket dinner in the Long Room at Lords.

When he had the opportunity, the reporter approached the great man.

'Sir Donald, there's a question which I have always wanted to ask you,' the reporter said after introducing himself.

'Everyone knows your fantastic batting record, and I have always wondered how you think your record would stand against today's pace attacks, say the current Australian team at its best? I mean, if you wouldn't mind speculating, what do your think your average might be if you had to bat against that team?'

Bradman thought for a moment.

'Oh, about 60, I would expect,' he said.

The reporter was taken aback.

'Really?' he said. 'Only 60? I would have thought that considering your skills you might have backed yourself a little further than that.'

'Well,' said Bradman, 'You have to remember that I am nearly ninety years old.'

frostbite
30th Sep 2005, 12:14
Going back to the original post and 'serving suggestions'.

I always chuckle at the many boxes of cakes etc. that have a plate with at least one half-eaten example in the picture.

Real ettiquette!

mazzy1026
30th Sep 2005, 12:52
When he finished his colleagues asked him what he was doing. "Well" he explained," by imitating antlers, rubbing my chest and then my groin and then masturbating I was starting my speech by saying -
"I come here before you.........." :E

ronnie3585
30th Sep 2005, 13:52
Husband Wanted

A lonely woman, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married. She put
an ad in the local paper that read:

HUSBAND WANTED!
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,
AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened
the door to see a gray - haired gentleman sitting in a wheel chair. He
had no arms or legs.

The old woman said, "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you?

Just look at you....you have no legs!"
The old man smiled, "Therefore I cannot run around on you!"

She snorted. "You don't have any hands either!"
Again the old man smiled, "Nor can I beat you!"

She raised an eyebrow and gazed intently. "Are you still good in bed?"

With that, the old gentleman leaned back, beamed a big broad smile and said

"I rang the doorbell, didn't I?

________________________________________


Paddy's doing well on "Who wants to be a Millionaire ? "

He's got £500,000. Chris Tarrant asks him the big question for 1million quid. "Paddy, for £1million, who was the great train robber? Was it,

A, Ronnie Barker...

B, Ronnie O'Sullivan...
C, Ronnie Corbett or..was it

D, Ronnie Biggs???"

Paddy say's..."Oi'll take de money please Chris"

Chris reminds him that he still has his 3 life lines left.
Paddy again say's.."Nope, Oi'll take de money please Chris"

"You don't want to phone a friend?" says Chris.

"No t'anks, Oi'll take de money - foinal answer"

"OK" says Chris, looking bemused "give him a round of applause ladies and gentlemen, Paddy goes away with £500,000. However before you go, you'll obviously want to know what the answer was Paddy?"
Paddy said "No, yer alroight, Oi knew de answer anyway, t'anks Chris"

"You knew it anyway!....are you mad!!!" asks Chris, "Are you mental?"

Paddy says, "Oi moight be mental Chris....but Oi'm no feckin grass!".

______________________________________


An Irish man goes into a blacksmiths looking for a job.

The blacksmith asks him "do you have any experience shoeing horses?"
To this the Irish man replies "No, but I once told a donkey to fu*k off".



____________________________________________________________ _____

chiglet
30th Sep 2005, 17:45
'cos otherwise she makes your d*ck look small :ok:
watp,iktch