View Full Version : Farting in cockpit

Charles Darwin
19th Sep 2005, 18:28
Do airline designers take pilots farting into account when designing the ventilation of aircraft. Wouldn´t it be nice to have a tube with a controlled vent embedded into the seat cushion. Are there perhaps already solution for this annoying "problem".

CD, farting around. :E

P.S. this is a serious question.

19th Sep 2005, 18:44

I think there will be a bit of a stink about this posting!

:ooh: :ooh: :ooh:

19th Sep 2005, 20:05
is that not why we are all such good friends:) only one curry a week:ugh: :ugh: :ugh: :ugh:

Ops and Mops
19th Sep 2005, 20:11
Farting into the interphone doesn't go down too well though...:yuk: :E

Charles Darwin
19th Sep 2005, 20:20
I see... but are there any solutions? This is a serious matter.

19th Sep 2005, 22:59
Farts sent directly into the seat cushion are not a problem; no one would ever know ( requires a bit of prepositioning of the bum for maximum privacy ). In 35 years, if I'd been paid by the fart, I'd be wealthy by now.

I see no problem unless the FO intentionally tries to opt for maximum "airing" as a statement of his opinion of the captain. Chief pilots are not likely to wade in on this type of cockpit disagreement.

Old Smokey
19th Sep 2005, 23:30
Charles Darwin,

Admittedly, a thousand other responses did cross my mind, but seeing as this is a serious question.............

I have no idea if Boeing had such a thing in mind when they designed the B777, but air circulation leaving the cockpit is drawn via each pilot's position and exits in the vicinity of the rudder pedals on both sides, thus there is little indication to each pilot of any olfactory disturbance generated on the other side.

If I 'drop one' (and immediately apologise of course), the other pilot invariably mentions that they didn't notice (OK, OK, I'm 56, and my sphincter muscle is not as tight as it used to be).

I'm perfectly happy for my F/O to have a cigarette (PLEASE, no side-track comments), and barely notice it from my seat, particularly if they go to the bother of exhaling towards their feet, and dangle the smoking cigarette between their knees between puffs. On the other hand, if we (the F/O and I) allow a desperate cabin crew to have a ciggy in the jump seat, we both share it.

In the continuing context of this being a serious question, increasing pressure differential between the bowel and external cockpit pressure can cause severe discomfort. It's better to abandon the social graces and let your wind go free, my previous airline even recommended this in the safety manual (admittedly they were talking of depressurisation).

In closing, I'm reminded of a tombstone epitaph of a poor soul who died of a ruptured / twisted something as a result of holding back a 'big one',

"Wherever you be let your wind go free,
for holding it back has been the death of me"

Thank you Boeing, from the bottom of my fart;)


Old Smokey

20th Sep 2005, 06:37
The joy of a three-crew cockpit is no-one can prove who did it ... one of the joys, that is.

20th Sep 2005, 07:31
Old Smokey ? You are certainly a "gas" man !

Charles Darwin
20th Sep 2005, 11:46
Thanks Old Smokey for your response.
When I allow a desperate stewardess to smoke in the cockpit, I´ll make sure that she rests her face between my legs . :p
I once talked to an old pilot that once experienced a cabin pressure loss. He said that almost uncontrollable flatulance was a side effect. "Then I understood the need for the masks" he said. :E

What to do?
20th Sep 2005, 12:48
Hello Charles D

Did you know that Mr Darwin himself suffered from severe wind and had a toilet in his study to dash to! He rarely left his office/house in later life because things got a little spicy . . .

I knew my degree (Zoology BSc) would be really useful in aviation at some time!

Later guys

20th Sep 2005, 14:54
Thanx for brightening my day!:p

21st Sep 2005, 02:44
There's a grade we all know well . . . and they spring not from the clover.

In the rank ranks of the boys' own bugle-bum brigade, none conjures up the antithesis of sweet night air more than 'Thunderguts' Thurston, a checkie, a 'sheriff', in days of yore. From his sad, decayed intestinal tract emanated gases capable of rendering all within cooee near prostrate.

But worse, the poor sod cooped up in the wheelhouse, across from 'Thunderguts', often lacking supplemental oxygen, would have no escape. (By a small stretch of the imagination, you can even picture a change in the benign expression on the front end of the old 'Three' - yes, Virginia, aeroplanes do have 'faces'.)

Once survived, never forgotten. It would stay in your nostrils for days, like something adhering to your boot. 'Thunderguts' prize animal act was a supreme test of the powers of
concentration of the man under scrutiny, as ever, his job on the line. Bucking down the ILS sideways in a tropical storm, a trifle jaded after five or six legs of a route check, thinking ahead to the first ice-cold sherbet, the mongrel's huge dropping of the guts would more often than not be delayed until passing the
outer marker. (Oh, rather multiple fire warnings any day.) The crippling stench would invariably be accompanied by a staccato bark, something along the lines of. . . ."Pick the bloody bones out of that one if you can. . . FARKIN' CREW MEALS."

Outstandingly horrible though he was, there were contenders for his title. 'Foul Bowel' Howell, whose fame went before him, (and all about him). . . he who when in training would consume up to six crew meals at a sitting, if such could be cadged.

'The Breaker', also of that ilk. . .. able to clear a crew-room quicker than any fire alarm.

The extraordinary tuneful performances of 'Le Petomaine', (well worth googling), are now history. Latter day imitators have only piss and wind to offer.

Incidentally, there was once a queen of England who welcomed back to her court, a courtier who had gone off on a long self-imposed furlough after disgracing himself in the monarch's presence. Upon his return he was signalled to approach. Her majesty leant forward and whispered in his ear - "The fart is forgiven." In the case of old 'Thunderguts' his are neither forgotten nor forgiven. In the slightly modified words of 'The Banjo'. . .

'. . .. and the foetid air and shitty of the dusty, dirty city, through the open window floating, spreads it's foulness over all.'

21st Sep 2005, 05:45
Was told by a senior cabin crew that she once 'dropped one' quietly in the cockpit one day, then left without saying a word, to leave the two pilot's pointing accusing fingers at each other. And just to prove the point, she did the same to me!

21st Sep 2005, 05:55
i would normally grab an air freshener, spray it around my area, let the air out n then look at my fo and say ' sorry bro'..... :D :D

21st Sep 2005, 05:56
After reading all the above humorous comments on farting I ask but one question.


The correct answer will be posted in a day or so.

Howard Hughes
21st Sep 2005, 06:28
I always open with, "One of us just farted and I don't think it was you!!":ok:

Disguise Delimit
21st Sep 2005, 06:33
Something to do with allowing deaf people to enjoy it too?

Some years ago, I was slotted to take a student on the Altitude and Compressibility lesson, up to 40,000 feet - cabin altitude in the Macchischmitt was about 25,000 or so. Unfortunately for the student, us officers had been to a Dining-In Night and with a gutfull of rich food and copious quantities of wine and beer fermenting in the lower bowel, he was in for a treat.

As we climbed up, the familiar urgings of the sphincter made themselves known. What the heck, I thought, filtering it through a seat pack and parachute should take the edge off it. So, I squeezed it out.

Instant regret - it was foul. To eliminate any cabin air in my oxy system, I selected 100% oxygen and was saved. I thought I had better warn the student, so I said "Better go to 100%, Bloggs!"

"Roger, Sir!" he says, and selects 100% throttle!

I chuckled, because I knew he would catch on pretty soon. And he did.:sad: :{ :yuk:

Charles Darwin
21st Sep 2005, 08:20
In addition to the fact that blind can enjoy them too, is the less amusing fact that methane is completely without smell therefore leaving small molecules of solid substance as prime suspects. That leaves one scary comment to be said to the fellow pilot on the occasion. "Well chap, how does it feel to know that the solids that were up my arse a moment ago are now resting on your tongue"?

Flying Fiona
21st Sep 2005, 08:38
I've flown the 777 for a number of years and many of them on the fleet has a barrier of air so that you can retain your smells on your side of the flight deck. The air comes from high pressure jets positioned at regular intervals between Captain and F/O. Works very well. Means I can enjoy my own smells and be selfish at the same time!!!

21st Sep 2005, 08:41
Fart gas is released from the bacteria in your digestive system during the digestion process..... just saw a thing on TV about it! everyone has different species of the same bacteria in them, so everyone has a different "smell" some people stink, some dont..

21st Sep 2005, 08:54
I used to fly the Twin Otter, which had the air exiting by the crew's feet from the cabin and cockpit. I assume that was just a quirk of the design, but it meant that we got to share whatever was going on in the first few rows of passenger seats.

I had one Nigerian co-pilot who looked like the Gollywog's twin brother since he had big, round eyes that showed white all around the pupils. He was very good at asserting himself, too.

The West African diet is spicyand early-morning flights from Lagos to Warri used to feature various gastric accidents, when my man would turn to me, goggling, and say, 'Captain! Is that you?' when I could, usually, truthfully say that no, it wasn't. Some guy sat in 1B had laid one on us, I guess.

21st Sep 2005, 11:48
Many smaller aircraft have the cabin outflow deliberately in front. This is not to let the pilots enjoy all the fratulences produced, rather than to save installing smoke alarms! If the outflow valves (the aircraft ones, not the ones of the pilots!) were all at the back, smoke emerging in the cabin would never reach the pilots, so they wouldn't know if there was a fire as quickly.

Farting is just a natural function of the human combined outflow/pressure relief valve. On the same note, do NOT eat spicy food when on penicillum - the bacteria for digestion are DEAD, so hot spices go unharmed through to this valve, causing much pain when going for a 'bombs away'

22nd Sep 2005, 19:17
Beans, beans, they’re good for your heart.
Beans, beans, they make you fart.
The more you fart, the better you feel,
So eat your beans at every meal.


22nd Sep 2005, 19:56
Save energy,
Fart in a bag


22nd Sep 2005, 20:49
Reminds me of the BOAC Captain who dropped one. When the F/O said,'Excuse me Sir, but did you fart'. He turned, looked down his nose and said,'Of course I did. You don't imagine I normally smell like this'?

Or as one of my F/O's once said,'Happiness is a dry fart, at top of climb, out of Bombay'.

22nd Sep 2005, 22:42
Somebody please spare a thought for them in the orange bags.
I had a mate who was nicknamed Mr Blobby. I reckon his daily output was greater than that of your average flare tip.
'Save gas. Fart in a Bag?!!!'

You have no idea.

henry crun
22nd Sep 2005, 22:58
In London in the 1600's there was a Farting Club.

Members would meet at their venue in Grub St, Cripplegate, and compete with each other to see who could produce the loudest fart.

23rd Sep 2005, 00:07
Apparently during backroom meetings at the U.N. last week, due to French government concern about high altitude methane release, there has been a proposal to tax flatulence by pilots and send the money for third world relief. Pilots would have to work on the honour system and complete a log for every flight. Behind the scenes, the British a pushing for emissions trading. Many middle east countries are claiming that they are at a severe unfair disadvantage. The Germans as always are backing the French as both are confident that their shit don't stink.

23rd Sep 2005, 00:11
I don't know how bad fart's in airliner cockpit's smell, but once I went flying with a pilot who brought his dog along.....the dog had gas and I think gagging on a maggot would be better than smelling that in the cockpit of a PA-28:yuk:

23rd Sep 2005, 02:54
"Pilots would have to work on the honour system and complete a log for every flight" - well, if they gambled and lost, that wouldn't be too much of a problem?

23rd Sep 2005, 07:30
Why does a fart smell

For the benefit of those who do not hear it

Don't see what it has to do with the blind.

Charles Darwin
23rd Sep 2005, 13:52
Stupid me! of course the smell has nothing to do with the blind. They´ll enjoy the sightseeing nevertheless:E

23rd Sep 2005, 14:00
Those long sectors...and being reduced to a farting contest...(prior preparation is the key..) but being careful not to "follow through"..ahem.:}

23rd Sep 2005, 14:25
Trebor mints are a little bit strongerrrrr
Stick em up ya bum and they last a bit longerrrrrr!

Crazy Fists
23rd Sep 2005, 15:42
I generally bottle 'em all up and then fart my guts out into the sponge seat. It is a nice surpise for the crew that take over the airframe afterwards..... especially when they sit down and compress the cushion expelling all that delightful aroma.

23rd Sep 2005, 16:08
Had another friend who flew Twin Otters on the Antarctic Survey. One of his jobs was to fly the sled dogs to wherever they were needed. The dogs were fed on blocks of pure protein. Flying over the mountains, unpressurised, with a team of dogs letting rip was, apparently not one of the most pleasant jobs in the world. The only way to clear the cabin was to open the DV window.

Incidentally, the dogs had a very well defined pecking order and the lead dog always ate first and the most. Whilst sledging the dogs would void on the run. With so much protein still in the turd, it would be immediately snapped up by the dog behind. The only hot meal they ever got I suppose. Thus the protein would gradually work it's way down the line. Gives a whole new meaning to being low on the food chain!

Old Smokey
24th Sep 2005, 01:26
Shame, shame, shame

Shame on you, moderators, for moving such a serious topic to Jet Blast, although I guess that Jet Blast is, in it's own way a fitting forum title.

This serious topic rightly belongs in the serious forums area, there's plenty of justification in doing so -

Rumours & News - Just quietly drop a 'big one', and see how fast the rumours spread about who the perpetrator was. On a long and boring flight, it may well be the only Newsworthy event to take place.

Tech Log - Definately a starter here, augmented thrust is always a topic to generate interest for the technically minded.

Safety CRM and QA - The safety of the perpetrator of such a foul deed in a confined space is of much concern. He/She may have to call upon all of his/her CRM skills to recover from such a delicate situation. Such behaviour is certainly Questionable, for which there may be no Answers.

Terms and Endearment - There are some occupations where working in a dangerous gas-filled environment (mine workers for example) earn additional danger money. Has this EVER been considered in the log of claims for pilot contracts? Perpetrators have a very large problem in the Endearment of those around them.

Medical & Health - I think that this one speaks for itself, it's a major Medical / Health problem.

Questions - The universal question arises - "Who did it?"

Now come on moderators, stop farting around and put this serious topic back where it belongs. The future of aviation as we know it depends upon your decision.:ok:


Old Smokey

Check 6
24th Sep 2005, 09:19
President Bush is representing the United States of America on a highly formal, orchestrated state visit to England.
Air Force One stops at a bright red carpet along which the President strides to join Queen Elizabeth II in a beautiful, ornate 17th-century coach hitched to SIX enormous matched white horses. The coach proceeds through the streets of London en route to Buckingham Palace, the Queen and the President waving to the cheering throngs.

Then suddenly the right rear horse produces a thunderous, cataclysmic fart that reverberates through the air and rattles the doors of the coach.

Uncomfortable, the reaction of the two powerful figures is to focus their attention elsewhere and behave as if nothing extraordinary had happened. But the Queen is the first to realize that ignoring what had just happened is ridiculous.

She explains, "Mr. President, please accept my regrets - I'm sure you understand that there are some things that even a Queen cannot control."

President Bush replies, "Your Majesty, please don't give the matter another thought -- you know, if you hadn't said something I would have thought it was one of the horses!

:E :E :E

24th Sep 2005, 09:47
Only let the sneaky stinky ones loose as a sign of your disdain or disapproval of your co-workers. Sit back and watch, be like nothing happened. Considered good CRM in some parts of the world.


24th Sep 2005, 16:27
P.S. this is a serious question. :mad:

Open the windows and let the smell drift out...:8

Old Smokey
24th Sep 2005, 23:37
Open the windows and let the smell drift out...
At some of the places that we go to a cockpit contained fart would be infinetly preferrable to the risk of the smell of the outside environment drifting in:uhoh:


Old Smokey

25th Sep 2005, 06:23
. . . . and related topics. . . . a fine post 'Check 6'.

There was the one about the demure new school teacher arriving at the little town to commence her posting. One of this hamlet's yokels was delegated to meet her at the station in his sulky and take her to the school-house and her adjoining lodgings.

Her baggage loaded, they set off down the main street at a moderate clip-clop. Little had passed in the way of conversation, when the pony lifted his tail and rent the air.

"Rotten little bastard!", exclaims the yokel.

"My good man", says teacher. . . . "I did NOT come here to hear this sort of thing!"

"Too right Miss. . . . I'll just hop off and give the mongrel a good kick in the guts."

29th Sep 2005, 14:15
Assuming the female crews can trump as good as the rest of us, how do you get around the subject with them.(I don't fly for an Airline yet):O