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captain cumulonimbus
1st Sep 2005, 19:55
What is funny?

Gerhardt
1st Sep 2005, 19:57
a dyslexic guy goes into a bra....

a termite walks into a tavern and asks "excuse me, is the bar tender here?"

Jerricho
1st Sep 2005, 19:59
Plazbot.

rubik101
1st Sep 2005, 22:55
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

This is, according to the UN, Nobel Prize commitee, George Dubya, CNN and the World Bank, the funniest joke ever! You decide.

Davaar
1st Sep 2005, 22:58
How do you get a gang of Canadian rowdies out of the pool?

Say: Okay Guys! Time to get out of the pool.

DirtyPierre
1st Sep 2005, 23:00
The first words Adam said to Eve. "Better stand back honey, I'm not sure how big this thing gets!"

Disguise Delimit
2nd Sep 2005, 00:00
..... and Eve said,

"F*** me! What are you going to do with it?"

tony draper
2nd Sep 2005, 00:11
"Hmmm why didn't the boss make me out of that thing Adam,would have saved you missing a rib"

Foss
2nd Sep 2005, 00:18
Davaar
lol (main squeeze is a canuck)

anyone heard, or heard about the 'Aristocrats' joke, as in the new film of the same name?

Would make a great thread, but I doubt if it's for here.

Foss

Ozzy
2nd Sep 2005, 03:52
Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall down
an open manhole cover and die.

Mel Brooks


Ozzy

lonkmu
2nd Sep 2005, 08:15
a sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer
barman says "sorry we don't serve food in here"

N380UA
2nd Sep 2005, 09:14
Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."

Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land ... it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."

And, after landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as Hell everything has shifted."

From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more.

Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

"As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

"Last one off the plane must clean it."

And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry ...Unfortunately none of them are on this flight...!

Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what ya'll are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendants' fault.....it was the asphalt!"

Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.

Part of a Flight Attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."

Capt.KAOS
2nd Sep 2005, 09:20
"Americans should be prudent in their use of energy during the course of the next few weeks. Don't buy gas if you don't need it." —George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Sept. 1, 2005

Flypuppy
2nd Sep 2005, 09:24
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" replies Watson.
"And what do you deduce from that?"
Watson ponders for a minute.
"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"
Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!"

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!” The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.”

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.” The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”

A Scotsman an Englishman and an Irishman go into a bar. The Barman says "Hey, is this some kind of joke?"

Celine Dion goes into a bar, the barman says to her "Why the long face?"

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I think I've lost an electron."
The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies,
"Yes,I'm positive..."

N380UA
2nd Sep 2005, 09:42
Ohh.. what the heck its Friday, lets have another one.


A seasoned captain and a rather fresh FO were approaching Atlanta Hartsfield. The FO was PF on that leg. The weather was alright though there were some moderate wind shears reported in the approach sector of RWY 9L. Our FO had some work on short final to keep it all straight and the resulting landing was rather bumpy. As they taxied out on Delta and after having been cleared to ramp 5 the captain gets on the PA and says:

"Ladies and Gents, I would like to apologies in the name of the XYZ airlines and the entire crew for this piss poor landing, courtesy of our first officer. Be assured I will do the landings from now on."

The FO obviously was rather discouraged and down beat and as this was his last flight for the day he changed into civilian clothing and visited the next bar for a Bud.

Some weeks later the same crew was on the same approach with similar conditions though this time the captain was PF. Chance would have it that this landing was also botched up and without hesitation the FO came on the PA saying:

"Ladies and Gents, I would like to apologies in the name of the XYZ airlines and the entire crew for this piss poor landing, courtesy of our captain. Be assured I will do the landings from now on."

Puzzled the skipper looks at him saying: "Now what the hell was that for???" and the FO said: "Just paying you back for your announcement some weeks ago!" the skipper replied: " you idiot, I never keyed the mic!!!!"

FLCH
2nd Sep 2005, 15:56
A flight attendant was sexually assaulted in the parking lot today, she accused her assailant of being an airline captain, when police asked her how she knew who it was, she said his breath smelled of peanuts and she made him do all the work !!

Lon More
2nd Sep 2005, 16:02
FLCH that must be the redneck version:E , the one I heard he made her do all the work:\

Burnt Fishtrousers
2nd Sep 2005, 16:14
"Americans should be prudent in their use of energy during the course of the next few weeks. Don't buy gas if you don't need it." —George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Sept. 1, 2005

errr OK.. I ve been collecting the stuff for years. Ive got a particularly nice gemmy can of 1978 Esso 5 star purchased for the princely sum of 70p / gallon............should be worth about 4 quid/gallon now ...what an investment ..who said property is the only way to accumilate money these days....I'll flog the lot off in a few years time and enjoy a happy retirement:rolleyes: :E

FLCH
2nd Sep 2005, 16:45
EEEEKK! I stand corrected Lon....He made her do all the work.. by the way I do reside in redneck country.