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View Full Version : Friday funnies (Thurs warmup)


RJM
1st Sep 2005, 03:51
A little long, but it may appeal to anyone who's been in or near any navy...

How To Simulate Life In The Navy

1. Buy a dumpster, paint it grey and live in it for 6 months straight.

2. Run all of the piping and wires inside your house on the outside of the walls.

3. Pump 10 inches of nasty, crappy water into your basement, then pump it out, clean up, and paint the basement "deck grey."

4. Every couple of weeks, dress up in your best clothes and go the scummiest part of town, find the most run down, trashy bar you can, pay $10 per beer until you're hammered, then walk home in the freezing cold.

5. Perform a weekly disassembly and inspection of your lawnmower.

6. On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays turn your water temperature up to 200 degrees, then on Tuesday and Thursday turn it down to 10 degrees. On Saturdays, and Sundays declare to your entire family that they used too much water during the week, so all showering is secured.

7. Raise your bed to within 6 inches of the ceiling.

8. Have your next door neighbour come over each day at 5am, and blow a whistle so loud that Helen Keller could hear it and shout "Reveille, Reveille, all hands heave out and trice up".

9. Have your mother-in-law write down everything she's going to do the following day, then have her make you stand in the back yard at 6am and read it to you.

10. Submit a request form to your father-in-law, asking if it's ok for you to leave your house before 3pm.

11. Make your family qualify to operate all the appliances in your home (i.e. Dishwasher operator, blender technician, etc.).

12. Walk around your car for 4 hours checking the tyre pressure every 15 minutes.

13. Repaint your entire house once a month.

14. Cook all of your food blindfolded, groping for any spice and seasoning you can get your hands on.

15. Use eighteen scoops of budget coffee grounds per pot, and allow each pot to sit 5 hours before drinking.

16. Have your neighbour collect all your mail for a month, read your magazines, and randomly lose every 5th item.

17. Spend $20,000 on a satellite system for your TV, but only watch CNN and the Weather Channel.

18. Have your 5-year-old cousin give you a haircut with goat shears.

19. Sew back pockets to the front of your pants.

20. Spend 2 weeks in the red-light districts of Europe, and call it "world travel."

21. Needle gun the aluminium siding on your house after your neighbours have gone to bed.

22. When your children are in bed, run into their room with a megaphone, and shout at the top of your lungs that your home is under attack, and order them to man their battle stations. ("General quarters, general quarters, all hands man your battle stations")

23. Make your family menu a week ahead of time and do so without checking the pantry and refrigerator.

24. Post a menu on the refrigerator door informing your family that you are having steak for dinner. Then make them wait in line for at least an hour, when they finally get to the kitchen, tell them that you are out of steak, but you have dried ham or hot dogs. Repeat daily until they don't pay attention to the menu any more so they just ask for hot dogs.

25. When baking a cake, prop up one side of the pan while it is in the oven. Spread icing on really thick to level it off.

26. In the middle of winter, place a podium at the end of your driveway. Have your family stand 4 hour watches at the podium.

27. Sleep on the shelf in your closet. Replace the closet door with a curtain. Have your wife whip open the curtain about 3 hours after you go to sleep. She should then shine a flashlight directly in your eyes and mumble "Sorry, wrong rack."

28. Renovate your bathroom. Build a wall across the middle of your bathtub, move the shower head to chest level. When you take showers, make sure you shut off the water while you soap down.

29. When there is a thunderstorm in your area, find a wobbly rocking chair and rock as hard as you can until you become nauseous. Have a supply of stale crackers in your shirt pocket.

30. Put lube oil in your humidifier and set it on high.

31. Once a week, blow compressed air up your chimney, making sure the wind carries the soot onto your neighbours' house. Ignore their complaints.

32. Every other month buy green or red marine primer and put it in a paint sprayer. Spray it over the roof of your house onto your neighbours' car. Ignore their complaints.

33. Lock wire all the lug nuts on your car.

34. Buy a trash compactor, but use it only once a week. Store the garbage at the far end of your bathtub.

35. Set your alarm clock to go off at random during the night, jump up and get dressed as fast as you can making sure you button up the top button on your shirt and stuff your pants into your socks. Run out into the backyard and uncoil the garden hose.

36. Install a fluorescent lamp under the coffee table and then get under it and read books.

37. Raise the thresholds and lower the top sills of your front and back doors so that you either trip or bang your head every time you pass through one of them.

38. Every so often, throw the cat in the pool and shout "Man overboard, starboard side" Then run into the house and sweep all the pots and dishes off the counter. Yell at the wife and kids for not having the kitchen "stowed for sea."

39. Put on the headphones from your stereo set, but don't plug them in. Hang a paper cup around your neck with string. Go stand in front of your stove. Say to no one in particular "Stove manned and ready." Stand there for three or four hours, then say again to no one in particular "Stove secured." Roll up your headphones and paper cup and place them in a box.

Farrell
1st Sep 2005, 10:36
Ha ha! - Nice one! :ok:

VitaminGee
1st Sep 2005, 10:48
Concur and Bravo Zulu!!.. Potential for a great TV sketch methinks:ok: