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Astrodome
25th Aug 2005, 22:07
Highland Hospitality

A commercial traveller was driving through the Scottish Highlands when his car broke down.

There was a cottage near by so he went up to it and knocked on the door.

The door opened to reveal a burly Highlander.

"My car has conked out," said the traveller, "Where can I spend the night?"

"Why, right here of course!" said the Scot, "Come in and avail yourself of our world famous hospitality."

The traveller duly entered the humble but cosy residence.

"Jeannie," shouted the host in the direction of the kitchen, and in response to his call his beautiful daughter appeared. "Jeannie, make a meal for the gentleman and remember to uphold our great tradition of Highland hospitality."

The traveller was soon tucking into an appetising meal, the girl had indeed spared no effort to extend Highland hospitality to the guest.

"And now," said the Highlander, "I'm afraid I must go out and milk the cows, but just make yourself at home and take full advantage of our world famous Highland hospitality."

No sooner had the door closed behind him than the traveller set about seducing the lovely daughter.

In no time at all he had her on floor and was on the job.

Suddenly the door opened and there stood the Highlander. He took one look at what was going on and his face turned purple with rage.

He dropped his two buckets of milk with a crash and gave verbal vent to his wrath.

"After all I have been saying about the Highland hospitality," he roared, "Arch your back woman, and take the poor man's balls off the cold floor."

Alpha Leader
26th Aug 2005, 06:36
Steve Irwin walks into a bar with his pet crocodile by his side. Puts the croc up on the bar.

He then turns to the astonished patrons and says: "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this croc's mouth and place my genitalia inside. Then the croc will close his mouth for one minute. Then he'll open his mouth and I'll remove my genitalia unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink." The crowd murmured in unanimous approval. Steve stood up to the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in mouth as the crowd gasped.

After a minute, Irwin grabbed a beer bottle and smacked the croc hard on the top of its head. The croc opened his mouth and he removed his genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks were delivered.

Steve stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try. A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A blonde woman timidly spoke up...

"I'll try it! Just don't hit me so hard with the beer bottle."

fishtits
26th Aug 2005, 09:26
A fireman is polishing his fire engine outside the fire station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red cart with little ladders hung on the side and garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The little girl is wearing a fireman's helmet and has the cart tied to a dog and a cat.

The firefighter walks over to take a closer look, 'That's a lovely fire engine,' he says admiringly. 'Thanks,' says the little girl. The fireman looks closer and notices the little girl has tied one of the cart's strings to the dog's collar and one to the cat's testicles.
'Little colleague,' says the firefighter, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your fire engine, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could probably go a lot faster.'

The little girl pauses for a moment, looks at the wagon, at the dog and at the cat, then shyly looks into the fireman's eyes and says, 'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a fcuking siren, would I?'


:E

GearDown&Locked
26th Aug 2005, 11:37
A very rich and very old 90 year old man married this extremely good looking girl in her mid twenties. On their honeymoon, she got her hottest lingerie on hoping the old timer would have a stroke during the “action” which would make her a very wealthy widow in no time. The old man was long gone into the bathroom changing, while she lay back on the big round bed on her sexiest pose.
-Come to bed darling – she called lustfully.
-In a minute sweetie – replied the old man in his fragile and trembling voice.

After a long period of time the old man went out of the bathroom all naked, “ready for departure”, with a diving clip on his nose and wearing earplugs. His newly wedded wife was intrigued by his attire.
-What is that for honey? – she asked puzzled.
-Oh don’t be bothered by this. – said the man, putting on the condom - It’s just because I hate a couple of things: women screaming like mad and the smell of burning rubber.


GD&L

frostbite
26th Aug 2005, 12:24
Three men arrived at the pearly gates, to be met by St. Peter.

He explained that there was a new computer based admission policy and that they must have done something really positive for mankind to gain admittance.

The first man said 'Well, I developed a new vaccine which saved thousands of lives over twenty years', and he was allowed in.

The second man said 'Fifteen years ago I set up an orphanage which has provided a home for hundreds of unwanted children', and he was allowed in.

The third man said 'I saw this group of bikers giving a young girl a hard time, so I went up to the biggest biker, tore the ring out of his nose and ripped half his beard off'.

'Nothing on the computer, when did this happen?' said St. Peter.

'About five minutes ago'.

Tolsti
26th Aug 2005, 14:12
A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards."
The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is ... an auto parts store?"
"No," the cook said. "Three flats tires means three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices crisp bacon."
"Oh, OK!" said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.
The trucker asked, "What are the beans for, Blondie?"
She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up."

TheFlyingSquirrel
26th Aug 2005, 14:21
An English man has had enough of the rat race and decides to buy a little croft in the Outer Hebrides......

He's unpacking on the first night,and he hears a rap at the door - he opens the door into the cold,dark and windswept night. Standing there is a 7 foot Scotsman - Kilt, sporan, sandals, ginger beard the lot.....

" it's a tradition here " says the Scotsman " that all newcommers to the island are invited to a little celebration called a Kayley ! "

" that sounds great ! " exlaims the Englishman... " What is a Kayley ?"

" well, there'll be a little bit of dancing " cried the Scot, " some eating, a little drinking....and there'll be a lot of shagging ! "

" Sounds great !! " retorted the Englishman " So how do I come ? "

" Arrr....just come as you are, " said the Scot.... " There'll just be the two of us ! "

GROUNDHOG
26th Aug 2005, 18:20
Two Mexicans Manuel and Pedro were lost in the desert, after days of travelling they were out of food and water and near the end of living when Pedro spots a tree all on its on. Look Manuel eet is a bacon tree, look at all the bacon hanging from eet, we are saved.

Manuel thinks it is a little strange having never seen a bacon tree before and warns Pedro to be careful but still he rushes towards it.

Just as he reaches out to get the bacon a machine gun opens up from nowhere and cuts him down in hail of bullets.

In his dying breath he says to Manuel - You were right eet is not a bacon tree eet is a hambush!

Ozzy
26th Aug 2005, 18:49
A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my grandpa."

The cop asked, "What's he like?"

The little boy replied, "Jack Daniels and women with big tits."


-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a shopping mall for the very first time. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, "What is this, Father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is." While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button.

The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24 year old blonde woman stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son "Go get your mother."


Ozzy

BUMPFF
27th Aug 2005, 02:44
After closing his church one evening a vicar turned and saw a small girl watching him shyly. The little girl had a dog on a lead.

The vicar said, "Hello, little girl. What's your name?" She said, "I'm Petal."

"Well," said the vicar, "That's a very pretty name for a very pretty girl, and it's so unusual. Why were you called 'Petal?"

The little girl sighed and said, "When Mummy and Daddy were engaged they were sitting in a field one lovely Spring day, looking at the flowers, and Mummy said, 'If we have a little girl baby when we're married I think we should call her Petal to remind us of all these beautiful flowers on such a wonderful day.' So when I was born they christened me Petal."

The vicar said, "That's a really lovely story. And what is your little dog's name?"

"I call him Porky," she replied.

The vicar looked perplexed and said, That's a very unusual name for a dog. Why do you call him 'Porky?' "

Petal answerd, "He's queer, he [email protected] pigs."

Ultralights
27th Aug 2005, 07:42
A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket -- If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting.

He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail. The cabbie said (adopt appropriate dialect), "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!" So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.

One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport.

Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make theguy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.

The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport," he asked? "Fifteen bucks," came the reply. "And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way?" "What?! Get the hell out of my cab." The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result.

When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabbie replied "fifteen bucks." The businessman said "ok" and off they went. Then, as the drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.

frostbite
27th Aug 2005, 12:02
Allegedly true:-

A little girl is watching her mother open her birthday presents.

Mum says 'ooh look, a bottle of toilet water!'

Little girl
'Eughhh, what a rotten trick!'

Crashed&Burned
27th Aug 2005, 20:40
A man was standing next in line at a checkout, when the attractive blonde woman in front of him turned around and gave him a big smile.

"Hello," she said, as she waited for her change.

"Er, I'm sorry. Do I know you?" The man said in some confusion.

"Oh, my mistake. I thought you were the father of one of my children," she said apologetically, and picking up her shopping, she left the store.

The man was astonished. He thought, "How amazing that a good looking woman like that should have forgotten who fathered her children."

Then he began to worry.

He had had an encounter in his youth that could have resulted in a child he didn't know about. She had been blonde, pretty, and about the same height.

On leaving the store, he saw the woman getting into her car. He ran over to her and said, "Look, you couldn't have been the girl I met that night at a party in Hampstead, in 1980 could you? We [email protected] on the billiards table in front of everyone, things got really wild and I got so drunk that I didn't get your number."

The woman looked utterly outraged and said, "No! I'm your son's English teacher."