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OneWorld22
23rd Aug 2005, 21:53
Having gone from the Cockpit to a consultancy and observing the crap that goes on in most offices I am amazed the way people stick at it!

Seriously, it's the goddamn nerve-grating mangement speak that gets me. People use it to cover up a multitude of failings in my book and try to fool people into thinking they are really forward looking and dynamic...The ones most proficient at it are usually the most talentless! yet theylre the ones who ususally get ahead because theyre willing to freely bend over for the boss!

If I hear one more person say, "Just getting back to you regarding X, I tried to call yesterday but we were playing phone-tag"

Other favourites of mine..

At the end of the day
Thinking outside the box
Synergy
Redeployed people
Core Competency
Win-win
Value-added
Alignment


And the one that surely drives people mental, "singing from the same hymn-sheet"

I just think to really get ahead in some organisations, you have to be a complete and utter w**ker with no morals, have no problem being a nauseating brown-noser to the boss, agree with everything the boss says even when he/she is blantantly and totally wrong and always be willing to totally shaft your work colleagues if there is even a hint of getting some credit with the bodies above....

You just look at the way some people behave and see their total lack of dignity and self-respect and you think......why???

HowlingWind
23rd Aug 2005, 22:06
Spot on, OneWorld. That should serve as a real-time wakeup call to that coin-operated lot what choke up productive bandwith that could be productively coached to champion collaborative partnerships...:uhoh:

BOFH
23rd Aug 2005, 22:07
OW22

where's your vision, going forward? Don't you have a mission statement? What are your values?

BOFH
(Whitehall is also rather good at this)

con-pilot
23rd Aug 2005, 22:21
Dang OW you must have had a bad day. However I must agree with you. Funny enough I have now found myself out of the cockpit. I was caught in an inter-office power play; unfortunately for me no one informed me that I was involved in this war.

At the conclusion of the around the world flight I just completed I was called into the home office, as the entire trip was without problems I figured that I was to receive a nice bonus. Instead after being complimented on a great job the focus of the meeting changed when the President of the company stated We have decided to make a change in the flight department. Things went rather downhill from there.

Anyway, they gave me a very large settlement so I would not sue them, because if I did decide to sue I would have won as there was no cause for termination. So after 40 years and 20,000 so odd hours of flying I have decided to hang up the old goggles, so to speak.

While I really dont have to work anymore financially to maintain a stable lifestyle there is no way I am just going to sit around the house and vegetate. How is the transition from the cockpit into non-piloting world of aviation?

So now we will have to wait for those beers until Mrs. C-P and I come over the hard way, on the airlines. Which should be soon after the first of the year.

tony draper
23rd Aug 2005, 22:26
Tiz just herd identification language, it says "listen I know the secret words and phrases of the tribe, I'm one of you, so don't kill me".
It is common to all jobs and professions from Airline Pilots to Doctors right down to road sweepers or rag and bone men, a side effect of the human need to form alliances and groups as a buffer agin those not of your particular tribe, for they are not to be trusted
People forget,despite the suits and ties and degrees on the wall, we are after all just hairless talking monkeys.
:rolleyes:

Darth Nigel
23rd Aug 2005, 22:41
Some more hairless than others, Mr Draper??? :E

Hey, management is quite easy once you get over the loss of your soul.

More seriously -- in the "Good Old Days", yer middle managers and supervisors were people who had done the job, and risen through the ranks (either by skill, perseverence or merely knowing where the bodies were buried). So (whilst you did on occasion see the odd gormless twit or boss's illegitimate offspring in there) the people above you knew what you were doing. Some were better at the politics than others, and t'was always the case that the big lumps float better, but you still had people in there who knew summat about the job.

Now you get people in the middle management tier who have degrees in Management. They don't really understand the difference between a software subroutine and a 3/8" Gripley. But they know how to play politics, and they've learned that a synergistic organization where everyone feels ownership of the solution presents the optimal path to maximize our short-term gain with a minimum of pain. Prats, in other words.

By the way, when you're on the fringes of the US DoD doing stuff, you get this piled deeper and heavier, and coupled with a healthy dose of patriotism and (for want of a better term) bigotry. So you smile, act nice, and occasionally let slip the Holy Hand-Grenade of Antioch .

allan907
24th Aug 2005, 04:59
I'm not sure that all the variables have been factored in to this paradigm, team, I'll get back to you on that.

paulc
24th Aug 2005, 06:41
How we used to laugh when Gus Hedges from 'Drop the Dead Donkey' used to spout such meaningless management speak yet it is all to common these days.

angels
24th Aug 2005, 06:58
One of our bosses is American and many of his e-mails are incomprehensible. I just automatically delete them and ask someone for a translation.

Why the hell should I know what 'silo mentality' means?

Val d'Isere
24th Aug 2005, 07:03
I just think to really get ahead in some organisations, you have to be a complete and utter w**ker with no morals, have no problem being a nauseating brown-noser to the boss, agree with everything the boss says even when he/she is blantantly and totally wrong and always be willing to totally shaft your work colleagues if there is even a hint of getting some credit with the bodies above....
Brilliant! :ok:

Maybe add...."An ego the size of the Solar System"

Earthmover
24th Aug 2005, 07:47
Was sent on an external 'management' course by my airline in the late '80s when it was all just starting - I can remember the incredulity spreading around our group when asked to find "at least one really spiritual '"Aha! moment" with my team each and every day - and to make sure that I "empowered" them"

:yuk: :yuk: :yuk: :yuk: :yuk: :yuk:

Hilico
24th Aug 2005, 08:07
"Mission Statement" is a particular howler of theirs.

Mission Statement is a military term. The mission statement given to a General is 'take and occupy xyz-land'. He has to be told it twice or he can legitimately say he did not receive it. He gives his brigadiers their mission statements - 'take the south of xyz-land, take the north of xyz-land' etc. They give their subordinates their mission statements, and it ends up with the lieutenants being given theirs - 'take and occupy xyz ridge', 'hill', 'defensive feature'.

See? Everyone gets their own different mission statement. It would be absolutely no good giving the lootenants 'take and occupy xyz-land' as they aren't in any position of power or responsibility to do so. Yet this is what we get given at the annual pep-talk - 'our mission statement is to raise the gearing of the Company 200% by selling convertible debentures'.

One day I'll have the balls to stand up in the middle of it and tell them.

OneWorld22
24th Aug 2005, 08:20
I knew I wouldn't be the only one who felt like this!

There just appears to be a terrible amount of dishonesty in corporate life these daya that is no longer confined to senior management. All the the people seem to be permanently engaged in "cover my ass" syndrome. Afraid to speak up or do anything for fear of rocking the boat.

That's why The Office was so damn funny, because we've all worked for david Brents. Total knobs who in society you would dismiss as being a total prat, but in the workplace, you have to sit there and laugh at the crap jokes and hang on their every word as if they're geniuses!!!

Krystal n chips
24th Aug 2005, 08:23
"Visionary empowered, people centric totally integrated support solution":yuk: --------as uttered by a complete moron working for a "very large UK defence company who are noted for consistently going over budget".

The other "classics" that irritate-----"blue sky thinking"--and "not on my radar" and / or "uncluttered radar"----when you hear the latter however, simply say "Depends on the tilt angle I suppose"--which invariably shuts them up once and for all !.

Windy Militant
24th Aug 2005, 09:35
You can always resort to

Buzz word Bingo (http://www.pprune.org/forums/showthread.php?s=&threadid=51857&highlight=buzzword+bingo)

or

Have an Away day (http://www.pprune.org/forums/showthread.php?s=&threadid=150673&highlight=buzzword+bingo)

or even

[email protected] Bingo (http://www.pprune.org/forums/showthread.php?s=&threadid=12756&highlight=buzzword+bingo)

If things get really desparate! :ok:

SpinSpinSugar
24th Aug 2005, 10:01
I live in your world too, OW22, and it would be very funny if one wasn't actually in it.

For my sins I'm currently employed by a large corporate US outfit, particularly prone to excessive management guff. Indeed, the department of management spin seems to be one of the biggest internal employers. I'd love to know how you get those jobs producing painfully politically correct posters with smiling ethnically diverse (unrepresentative of the local demographic) employees helping each other climb the corporate ladder by means of the vacuous slogan.

Re: the military thing, it's all over the place these days. Ive become highly attuned to attempts to introduce military chic into otherwise deathly dull subject matter; its a pet annoyance. Frequently, people here are found to be taking point, holding the line, breaking through entrenched positions, etc. And you get bonus points for inventing a project acronym that sounds like a weapon of some sort.

Heard a good new word the other day. By and large a new corporate word can be accepted if it's a logical shortening or combination of real words, but honestly, what's the sense in turning "connect" into "connectize"? Why not go the whole hog and connecterize things.

Worst corporate word ever (and the first to be filled in any game of buzzword bingo here): leverage.

Looking forward to the day I leave (the date and letter of resignation are already well planned); in the meantime I'll continue to whore myself around this other-worldly environment for the easy dollar. It's alright if you manage to stay the course without becoming one of them - but it's sad when you see it happen to people you know.

:yuk:

Regards, SSS

Kolibear
24th Aug 2005, 10:22
Managementspeak - lifted from our intranet:-

Given the velocity of change, particularly in the technological arena, and the growing competitiveness in our industry, I think focusing on our hedgehog (ability to concentrate on and execute our business fundamentals in a superior fashion) should be our primary focus.


Yes, I agree. This question aligns pretty well with the previous question having the objective of integrating the DFSS with GTDS (Global Technology Development System) and GPDS. Xxxxx Yyyyyyy and his team in R&A is about to roll out the GTDS training. The same team currently working on integration of DFSS and FAP would be supporting growing business needs for design review training. Other supporting training levels that are available and being refined are DCOV GB, BB training and advanced topics.

Everybody understand that? Good. We actually have a page on our intranet to explain all the acronyms.

OldAg84
24th Aug 2005, 13:19
You people disgust me! It's clear that NONE OF YOU are team players!;)

Wingswinger
24th Aug 2005, 13:28
What a great thread. I f*****g hate corporate-speak. Loathe it. What a load of eye-rolling sh1te. Why can't the b*st*rds and b1tches speak plain English!

My company has a "mission statement" which is only a re-statement of the bl**din' obvious. But, as I never tire of pointing out, the company does not, can not, have a mission for the simple reason that it has not been f*ckin' well sent anywhere! illiterate fools!

There, that's better.

Romeo Charlie
24th Aug 2005, 13:39
Can anyone explain why members of the Human Resources Team get upset when I refer to them as the Personnel Department?


Edit due to smelling pistake

OldAg84
24th Aug 2005, 13:55
"Mr. Romeo Charlie to Human Resources for refresher sensitivity training" Honestly, you should know better and be a little more circumspect!

Wingswinger
24th Aug 2005, 13:59
Just call them "Human Remains".

Taildragger55
24th Aug 2005, 14:09
It is not Human Resources any more, it is "Human Capital".:yuk:

As an accountant, I have to agree with the change.
To us accountants, capital is a liability.


Best mission statement I ever came up with was for an accounting
department..
"We know where the money went"

Earthmover
24th Aug 2005, 15:02
And the Corporate statements under the Corporate name .. you know "working for a safer London" .. "Investing in people" and the worst, the very worst - "Quote me Happy" :yuk: :yuk: :yuk:

Here's one for the Police Federation .. "Working with you to bring back hanging"

For the gits who write this stuff

High Wing Drifter
24th Aug 2005, 15:16
Wow, you guys are waaay beind the times.

The latest HR push to ensure continued employemnt is Diversity and the hideous policy of Affermative Action. In other words, a stealthy way of promoting positive discrimination.

Jerricho
24th Aug 2005, 15:33
Unfortunately, the best way I have found to deal with this sort of shite when it begins to rain down on us sector driver worker bees is take off my headset, hand it to said "buzzworder" and ask them to do it. Usually shuts them up for a while :E :E

Team player? Yeah, my way. :E

Kirkwall
15th Feb 2006, 21:44
latest ones at our place are:-

Drilling Down. (to the problem)

Going Forward.

People Department.

Commitment to Our People.

Working together as a Team.

Creating a Cottage Industry.
(assigned to anyone who highlights anything which might involve managers having to actually face up to their responsibilities and do something). eg, showing an interst in a health and safety issue.

Davaar
15th Feb 2006, 21:56
For heaven's sake, OneWorld22, did you do no forward planning, as opposed to backward planning? Remember, hindsight is twenty/twenty. I suggest you give a little empowerment to your team, manage by objectives, and get buy-in from your stakeholders. Your best assets are those that walk in every day. Safety is your first priority. The family comes first, the client second, and the firm comes last. And if you believe that you believe in the Tooth Fairy. We want to have fun while we are at our mission. I am just giving you a heads up, you understand. And do not forget, when all is said and done, at the end of the day, if you are not in the picture, or better still in the loop, the balloon will go up. Or, in Glasgow, the ba' will be burst.

tart1
15th Feb 2006, 21:58
I thought cottage industry was something to do with guys picking up other guys in public toilets.

Oh no ......... that's cottaging isn't it??

Same difference, I'm sure and if you can't read this ......... well tough tits!! :p

B Fraser
15th Feb 2006, 22:20
Mission statements are how senior management inform the workforce that they have no grasp of the rules of grammar. I used to work for a CEO (ok, I was several steps down the foodchain) who said "all mission statements are bullshit". Top bloke :ok:


......and if you want to annoy the drones in HR, refer to them as "payroll"

ManfredvonRichthofen
15th Feb 2006, 22:32
To: The TEAM
CC: MY BOSS

Hi Guys,

Just wanted to touch base quickly re Project Thunderbird-Firesarter. Going forward with this, I think we really need to get in on the ground floor.

Of course to do this we'll need all our ducks in a row. We really need to get some blue sky thinking on this one so I want you all to diarise a "pow-wow" for 0900. Thought I'd run it up the flag pole now so it's on all your radars.

Off to twiddle my red braces and wind my Breitling now,

Yours Chump F. Chumpington

Senior Corporate Associate Director of Directing Junior Associates
(And Diversity Executive)

Davaar
15th Feb 2006, 22:43
But not always, Mr Fraser. In one law firm to which I belonged we of the Great General Staff drafted a mission statement: "Our mission is to maximise the income and benefits of the senior partner group and minimise its required billable hours at the expense of junior partners, associates, staff, and clients, all in the discretion of the chairman of the management committee". It received limited circulation, but worked very well.

ManfredvonRichthofen
15th Feb 2006, 22:46
I think i work there !

Gerhardt
15th Feb 2006, 22:50
all this corporate speak and not once has the term "lean six sigma" been used.

slackers.

Capt.KAOS
15th Feb 2006, 22:58
Management secrets:

A new manager spends a week at his new office with the manager he is replacing. On the last day the departing manager tells him, "I have left three numbered envelopes in the desk drawer. Open an envelope if you encounter a crisis you can't solve."

Three months down the track there is a major drama, everything goes wrong - the usual stuff - and the manager feels very threatened by it all. He remembers the parting words of his predecessor and opens the first envelope. The message inside says "Blame your predecessor!" He does this and gets off the hook.

About half a year later, the company is experiencing a dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. The manager quickly opens the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize!" This he does, and the company quickly rebounds.

Three months later, at his next crisis, he opens the third envelope. The message inside says "Prepare three envelopes".

Whirlygig
15th Feb 2006, 23:22
A few weeks ago I went on a course - A Challenge Workshop for the Solution-Focussed Living Audit Approach. I learned about Risk and Assertion Warehouses.

Actually I didn't learn anything because, once I had deciphered what the bull meant, it was a course on the old-fashioned auditing techniques that I had originally learned in 1987!!

There's nothing new except the jargon to describe.

But those two remain my favourites to date!

Cheers

Whirls

Two's in
15th Feb 2006, 23:36
When I suggested "You can get better, but you'll never pay more", as a byline for our sales team it took about a week before they realized I was taking the pi$$.

Apologies for regurgitating this from Mil Aircrew, where a similar thread is running, but I think this covers most of it nicely:

http://www.fatalexception.org/action_item.html

Capn Notarious
15th Feb 2006, 23:40
People forget,despite the suits and ties and degrees on the wall, we are after all just hairless talking monkeys.
and most will get a silent stay on a stainless steel tray.

Binoculars
16th Feb 2006, 01:35
An odd paradox here. It's possible, even mandatory, to get an argument on JB no matter what opinion you post. Somebody will always be guaranteed to defend a view that black is white, for example, yet this subject appears to be the exception. Whenever it comes up, there is total unanimity; EVERYBODY hates management jargon.

So where are all the managers? Is it the most amazing coincidence that not one of them reads Pprune? Let's assume not, perhaps going even further and assuming that at least some of the people who read these pages are in fact responsible for churning out this stomach-churning crap.

That leaves us with only two alternatives: either they realise it's embarrassing bullshit, in which case why do they keep spouting it, or they really believe in it, in which case why do they NEVER appear here to defend it? Don't they realise the contempt in which they are universally held?

So, plonkers anonymous; where are you? :hmm:

CoodaShooda
16th Feb 2006, 03:29
Binos me old mate, I confess, I am a manager. :eek:

I report to a Board and I work with some wonderful people who do all the real work and make me look good.

The company is, by all measurable means, successful and has grown in the face of adversity.

We don't have a Corporate Plan, or a Strategic Plan or a Mission Statement.
(We do have some basic policies and a procedures manual.)

We just know what has to be done and we get on with doing it.

The down side is that I have to engage with sundry persons who walk the walk and talk the talk; develop policies; design workshops; hold meetings; discuss, dissemble, disagree; and consume air, while achieving bugger all.

My bleeding forehead and the dented walls around me is testimony to their effectiveness.

The term I think you're looking for is "arrogant ineptitude" :mad:

Binoculars
16th Feb 2006, 03:39
Well, I don't think anybody would suggest that ALL managers are plonkers of the sort being discussed here, Cooda. Clearly you are one of the good guys. :}

So the search continues; is there a Pprune member who is prepared to confess to writing any of this crap, let alone justifying it? I mean, ferchrissakes, if EVERYBODY can see it's pompous w*nk, why do we still have it? :confused:

Solid Rust Twotter
16th Feb 2006, 06:41
Or they're good managers who abhor this crap.

You never know your luck....:ok:

CoodaShooda
16th Feb 2006, 06:45
is there a Pprune member who is prepared to confess to writing any of this crap

:O :O :O :O :8

Sometimes you have to write for your audience and its the only way to engage them :hmm:

but I'd rather not lower myself too often. :yuk:

Its almost sad how they take it so seriously.

MyData
16th Feb 2006, 08:00
Mea Culpa

I sit here, having a quick PPRuNe (is that a verb now?), before getting down to today's meaty business: Writing my group's business plan for the forthcoming FY (financial year). There I go, already using the acronyms.

I for one cannot bear all this US-based clap trap, but I *do* find myself using it, and as Cooda states, sometimes you have to have your elevator pitch (Doh!) written in such a way as to engage your audience. I'm not totally brainwashed yet though - I might have the odd day of 'telephone tag' but I'll never 'run something up the flagpole' :yuk: or 'get in on the ground floor'.

Over the past 10 years I've worked for two very large (70,000+ employees) US based global companies and this is the day-to-day lingo they use, it is hard NOT to go along with it. Now I work for a very large UK company and this stuff is more prevalent than ever, we have a mission statement (at corporate and division level), we have values, we have proposition statements etc. and when the thought police find that you don't know which slogan goes with which statement then you are treading a dangerous path!

My wife works for a very large (the largest?) US global company. She came home yesterday bemoaning an e-mail sent from the US. Something about grasscutters and some baseball term. She said it meant absolutely nothing to her so asked directly for a translation ;-)

Ah, I feel better for that. Now here is my pledge to you all. I will write my business plan and there will be NONE of this bumpf in it - I promise. I will use English as it should be, viz:

Objective - Make as much money as possible.
Plan - Use people in the team as efficiently and effectively as possible.
Milestones (are milestones allowed?) - Do this by then, followed by this, and then this by the end of the year.

Job done.

Navajo8686
16th Feb 2006, 08:03
I will put my hand up to being a manager as well and I would admit to trying damned hard to never use 'management speak'. Partly because it usually sounds stupid but more particularly, and importantly, because it does not convey a proper instruction or advice or communication to those that you are communicating with. Communication is a two way process and if neither of you know what you are talking about then neither of you are acheiveing very much!
Nav

Evening Star
16th Feb 2006, 08:14
because it does not convey a proper instruction or advice or communication to those that you are communicating with. Communication is a two way process and if neither of you know what you are talking about then neither of you are acheiveing very much!

Navajo8686, sorry to say, but that was as close to corporate speak as one can get without falling into the dark side. Or were you extracting the golden?:confused::ok:

Binoculars
16th Feb 2006, 08:33
Hmmm. Well, if you people who think you are compelled to use it secretly agree that it's crap, the odds are that the people you are addressing it to also secretly think it's crap, and that you are a w*nker. Perhaps one of you could try not only addressing people in plain English, but reinforcing to them that you are doing it deliberately because it's time somebody took a stand against this crap? You'd probably get a standing ovation. :ooh:

got caught
16th Feb 2006, 09:16
Ever been involved in a "P.D.S.A." cycle?:confused:

Plan - Do - Study - Act

I'm more of a "J.F.D.I." man myself :p

CherokeeDriver
16th Feb 2006, 10:03
My managers final admission of compeltely and utterly cocking up - telling the board that "we are where we are". I work in the City (Square Mile / Financial Distric of London) which probalby has the highest density (pun) of US organisations outside of the continent. I'll leave it to your imaginations about some of the conversations one gets to overhear whilst queing for the morning cup of Earl Grey at Starbucks.....

Davaar
16th Feb 2006, 10:20
My managers final admission of compeltely and utterly cocking up - telling the board that "we are where we are". I work in the City (Square Mile / Financial Distric of London) which probalby has the highest density (pun) of US organisations outside of the continent. I'll leave it to your imaginations about some of the conversations one gets to overhear whilst queing for the morning cup of Earl Grey at Starbucks.....

All you need ever do is remember that where you stand depends on where you sit.

batninth
16th Feb 2006, 12:08
is there a Pprune member who is prepared to confess to writing any of this crap

What me? No, but I must confess to ocassionally trying to liven up proceedings by making up a new one and putting it into a presentation and seeing how many folks I can get to use it in all seriousness.

I described one business process as a "non-linear dynamic system" which got great approval from the US folks of the company I work for. Actually it's on Wikipedia as a definition of a chaotic system in maths.

The phrase that gets me wound up is "let's not boil the ocean" which means "We don't understand this but it looks horribly big so if we ignore it..."

In seriousness, I'm so pleased that so many folks out there feel this way

under_exposed
16th Feb 2006, 12:35
I think we need to hit the ground running, keep our eye on the ball, and make sure that we are singing off the same hymn sheet. At the end of the day it is not a level playing field and the goal posts may move; if they do, someone else may have to pick the ball up and run with it. We therefore must have a golf bag of options hot-to-trot from the word 'go'. It is your train set but we cannot afford to leave it on the back burner; we've got a lot of irons in the fire, right now. We will need to unstick a few potential poo traps but it all depends on the flash-to-bang time and fudge factor allowed. Things may end up slipping to the left and, if they do, we will need to run a tight ship. I don't want to re-invent the wheel but we must get right down in the weeds on this one. If push comes to shove, we may have to up stumps and then we'll be in a whole new ball game. I suggest we test the water with a few warmers in the bank. If AFHQ can produce the goods then we are cooking with gas. If not, then we are in a world of hurt. I don't want to die in a ditch over it but we could easily end up in a flat spin if people start getting twitchy. To that end, I want to get round the bazaars and make sure the movers and shakers are on side from day one. If you can hit me with your shopping list I can take it to the head honchos and start the ball rolling. If it goes pear-shaped, it is no good throwing our toys out of the pram or our teddy in the corner. Instead we may have to fine-tune it in order to do a re-gain. We'll be hung out to dry if it becomes a showstopper. There is light at the end of the tunnel and I think we have backed a winner here. If it all gets blown out of the water. however, I will be throwing a track. So get your feet in to my in-tray and give me chapter and verse as to how you see things panning out. As long as our ducks are in a row, I think the ball will stay in play and we can come up smelling of roses. Before you bomb burst and throw smoke, it is imperative, that we play with a straight bat this time around. We need to nail our colours very firmly to the mast and look at the big picture. We've got to march to the beat of the drum. We are on a sticky wicket. I've been on permanent send for long enough and I've had my two cents worth. I don't want to rock the boat or teach anyone to suck eggs. We must keep this very firmly in our sight picture or it could fall between the cracks. I don't want to be seen to be re-arranging the deck chairs on the Titanic but if the cap fits, wear it. At the end of the day, it's like a big game of Space Invaders; the aliens are getting closer and if we don't zap them it'll be game over for the lot of us. There are a number of wolves close to the sledge, and alligators close to the canoe, which need to be shot. As you are aware, it's a bit like punching a cloud round here. The heads of shed often play fast and loose, so it's stand by to repel boarders, I'm afraid. Right! Unless anyone wants to flag-up any bullet points I'll be in my office. My door is always open and I'm as flexible as a palm tree in a hurricane. The ball is in your court; don't let the wheel come off. If it unravels, your arse is grass and I'm a lawn-mower

Binoculars
16th Feb 2006, 12:49
OK, I think we're getting somewhere! The Pprune chapter of Jargonauts Anonymous welcomes batninth to the group. (Loud cheers and applause... "right on, Bat", "onya Bat" "Go Bat, pick up the ball and run with... whoops, sorry, everyone :O " etc).

Your bullshit is welcome here, Bat, for you are among believers here! ("Hallelujah!" "Praise God!!" etc). We all know the tongue in cheek defence is the only way to salvation. Oh yes, we do, Bat! Nobody can simply admit to believing in this garbage cold turkey; first you have to admit that you do it, then enter the compulsory caveat; "Hey, I wasn't taking it seriously!... Surely you didn't think....?"

It's a start, Bat, and we're all proud of you, aren't we, team?

"Whoo hooo!!!!"
"Go Bat, you bottler!!"
"You da Man, Bat!!!"
"Praise the Lawd, Bat, you on yo way to salvation mah man!"

Now, is there anybody else who wants to stand up and tell us their story?

VitaminGee
16th Feb 2006, 13:10
Well, for me it's a bit like nailing jelly to the wall. But, in a big-hand-small-map kind of way, you are nobody (R) nobody until you've had your initiatives dovetailed.

VG

PS. A vision is merely a plan....that doesn't have funding.

Davaar
16th Feb 2006, 14:44
Do I have to spell it out for you? Keep this up and we'll (a) open a can of worms (b) be in a different ball-game (c) have a whole new ball of wax and (d) be back at square one. I do not want to tangle with the mangle, get my t*ts in the wringer, or have the sh*t hit the fan, but that will happen as sure as God made little green apples and, by the way, we are talking apples and oranges. I have walked the walk, talked the talk; been there, bought the tee shirt. I rest my case. I have my ducks in a row.

ORAC
16th Feb 2006, 14:51
PDSA? Sounds like someone trying to reinvent the Boyd OODA Loop (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Boyd_cycle) decision cycle. Shit hot fighter pilot was Boyd. Just get inside your enemies, or competitors, decision cycle. :ok:

lexxity
16th Feb 2006, 22:05
Mr Lexx works for an enormous US company and they are masters of [email protected]

Here a couple of gems:

apparently Mr L is a greenbelt and he has to champion change in six sigma.

As Mr L says it is all a load of corporate bollocks, but as long as it pays the mortgage he'll put up with it.

Astrodome
16th Feb 2006, 22:43
I just think to really get ahead in some organisations, you have to be a complete and utter w**ker with no morals, have no problem being a nauseating brown-noser to the boss, agree with everything the boss says even when he/she is blantantly and totally wrong and always be willing to totally shaft your work colleagues if there is even a hint of getting some credit with the bodies above....

You just look at the way some people behave and see their total lack of dignity and self-respect and you think......why???

That is NO way to talk of the Labour Government !

ex_matelot
16th Feb 2006, 22:50
I remember once when a junior ops officer proposed 'running something up a flagpole and seeing who salutes it' then asking me to 'touch-base with him later'...

I hissed at him and he is probably still wondering if anyone saluted it or not!

tart1
16th Feb 2006, 22:55
some wonderful people who do all the real work and make me look good.

It's really good to have a manager admit that this can sometimes be the case.

In the company I work for there are some great managers and there are some who do SFA but who look good because the rest of us are working our bollox off (and I didn't even have any bollox to start with). :uhoh:

Davaar
16th Feb 2006, 23:36
Read an interview once with an eminent British surgeon, just back from a six-month world lecture tour. He had held them enthralled everywhere. Great success. Jolly good show.

"Wonderful!" said the interviewer, "Incidentally, you were away quite a while. Who did your work at home while you were away?"

Reflective pause.

Eminent surgeon: "You know, I've never been asked that before. I suppose the same people as do it when I'm there".

Flap Sup
17th Feb 2006, 01:19
But management speak (yuk!) is a nessecary evil in some cases.

No customers would be interested in purchasing anything from a company that states "We want to make as much money as possible (to our owners), regardless of employees, customers or environment" although it is the essential statement of ALL companies.
No one would be interested in being employed by same.

The horrible truth is that many companies do not make enough money. If a company had to downsize, had to cut down the workforce, the employees would hate the managers for saying: "You didn't work fast enough, morons - now your ex-collegues are paying the price" or "The same product can be produced for less than half the price in East Asia, so if you want to work - move there". A more subtle explanation would be needed. Another Management-Yuk-Speak finds its way into the world.

However there are other people, especially middle managers who knows that their own job is obsolete, and they often find time to write an endless stream of memos and throwing mad ideas around. The very unfortunate thing is that these people are noticed as productive people.

/fs

(Disclaimer: It must be bleeding obvious that I'm not a native english speaker - so drop the grammar comments)

BALIX
17th Feb 2006, 08:37
Hey, ten years ago my employer, (unprivatised NATS) decided that it would be a good idea to send a load of its employees on management courses. Consequently Balix is the proud owner of a Certificate of Management Studies despite the fact that he was not a manager at the time and, for that matter, still isn't and is highly unlikely ever to be so.

To pass the course you basically had to pruduce a few essays that involved as many managementspeak buzzwords as possible. But I suppose in the long run it taught me a lot about management. Not necessarily the things they wanted to teach me but there you go. I never went on to get the diploma or the degree. Some people did, the sad tossers.

batninth
17th Feb 2006, 13:00
Some real interesting comments here, particularly about good & bad managers.

Flap Sup - and they often find time to write an endless stream of memos and throwing mad ideas around. The very unfortunate thing is that these people are noticed as productive people.

The question really applies to the organisations that employ these managers - if an organsation (a) employs these people and (b) thinks these guys are productive then it's probably as much the fault of the company as the individuals they allow to work there. Elsewhere on PPRUNE we see threads about FR/BA/etc employees with grievances, and the constant question is "If it's so bad, why work there". The same applies to us - if it's so bad then find somewhere else and go and look closely for the clues as to how the operation runs before you go work there.

In reality there are good people who see that they are working in an environment that promotes the Dogberts, and they tend to quietly move to where they are more appreciated.


As for the quote:
some wonderful people who do all the real work and make me look good

Isn't this the real point of management? As a manager I expect to mentor / groom / help the people working for me so that they work effectively and can ultimately take over from me. The by-product should be the the whole group looks good, not just me.