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Buster Hyman
22nd Aug 2005, 21:56
Phones were ringing off the hook one day when a former colleague stated "F#*%! How do we stop these phones ringing?"

"You pick them up." another said!:ok:

BRL
22nd Aug 2005, 22:04
AC Milan 3 Liverpool 3 :ok:

Whirlygig
23rd Aug 2005, 08:34
Once went horseriding with a friend and, as we neared the end of our hack, we trotted around the outskirts of a golf course. We saw two golfers, typical middle-age spreaded wags. One said, "My, my, your horse is sweating a bit!". She replied, "And so would you be if you'd just spend 2 hours between my legs!".

Wish I'd thought of that!

Cheers

Whirls

GearDown&Locked
23rd Aug 2005, 09:05
Whirls... that one will keep me day-dreaming for the rest of the morning :8 :E

GD&L

Parapunter
23rd Aug 2005, 09:11
My colleague once asked the boss for a bonus. He replied that a bonus was like a penis - if he gave her one, she'd only blow it. He got into quite considerable trouble for that.:cool:

trimpot
23rd Aug 2005, 09:28
I have posted these before but what the hell.

A complete d!ckhead of a pilot announced in the crewroom that he was "going to the toilet to give birth to a crewman". A very quick witted crewman instantly replied, "Make sure you wipe your pilot":ok:

And one of my own. During a volleyball game I was informed by one of the opposition that there was no "i" in team. I replied by telling him, "No, but there is a "u" in (insert 4 letter word starting with c and rhyming with runt) :E :ouch:

CR2
23rd Aug 2005, 12:30
TeeHee Buster (http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport2/hi/football/teams/e/everton/4176576.stm)

matkat
23rd Aug 2005, 12:35
Whilst talking to My ex-Wife I was asking how Our 2 Children were She replies the eldest is academic Like Me and I then asked about the Youngest and the EX says Oh She is tall and slim just like Her Mother I could"nt hel p Myself at this point and said to Her : But Susan I thought You were Her Mother!!!!!!!!!!

BRL
23rd Aug 2005, 13:02
Asked my mate once if he had any turps. Seeing as we were painting at the time it wasn't a bad question. When he asked what kind of turps I nearly fell over,

"turps, you know, turps!!!!!!!!!" said I, gobsmacked,

"yea but what kind of turps, (yorkshire voice on) video turps, cassette turps............."

I nearly kicked him!! :D :D

Still makes me smile even now :)

Lance Murdoch
23rd Aug 2005, 13:13
As a 24 year old engineer, I had a much older fitter working with me who took umbrage at being ordered around by a young upstart. In a particularly awkward mood he informed me that his grandfather had worked at this company to which my reply was 'well why can't you follow his example?':p :D

Lon More
23rd Aug 2005, 13:34
I always had problems with my supervisor nicking my thermos of tea during a night duty. One nih=ght he even complained about the taste.

"Yes my wife made it, but she didn't pee in the pot to warm it like I do," I said.

Strangely he never pinched it again

tubthumper
23rd Aug 2005, 13:37
Not one of mine, but....

....Paul O'Grady (he of Lily Savage fame) was walking through a no-smoking area of an airport, with a lit ciggie in his mouth. A cleaner who was busy with his broom noticed and, pointing to one of the many "no smoking" signs, shouted "OI! Can't you read?" Mr O'Grady replied, "Yes, I can. That's why I don't have to sweep floors for a living."

dawn raider
23rd Aug 2005, 15:32
very public school accent from a BA 757 giving out to a bemused controller about background noise on the GND freq last week as we rolled past....... quick as you like my FO said........

' well it might help if you take your cheese board off the squelch button speed bird ......'

enjoyed that I did:ok:

with alacrity
23rd Aug 2005, 17:00
Glenn McGrath ( bowling to portly Zimbabwean chicken farmer Eddo Brandes )

" Hey Eddo, why are you so F#cking Fat? "

Eddo Brandes: " Because every time I shag your wife, she throws me a biscuit ".

Buster Hyman
23rd Aug 2005, 22:15
Ratty you Freight Dog you! At least we've got Oceania's player of the year!!!:suspect:

tony draper
23rd Aug 2005, 22:24
Was in the corner shop buying a stamp,went to lick it and stick it on envelope,nice pump blond lady behind the counter shouts,

"You dont need to lick it" !!

quick as a flash Drapes comes back with,

"First time I heard that from a lady"

Puzzle look on plump blond ladies face, waste of a good comeback it were.
:(

Capt Claret
24th Aug 2005, 04:47
Made a comment to F/O t'other day, something about sympathy but forgotten the exact context.

F/O said, if some one comes to him looking for sympathy he'll tell 'em "to go look in the dictionary between sh!t & syphilis!" :}

Richo77
24th Aug 2005, 06:35
i have heard this one in various different circumstances, but couldnt help using it myself recently. When in a local watering hole and feeling a bit fluey i excused myself to go to the gents and cough up some nasties. As i walked back out some sticky beak bastard walking in said "didnt they teach you to wash your hands?" to which i replied "naah mate, they just taught me not to pi$$ on them!" and returned to my beer.

PT6ER
24th Aug 2005, 17:24
My first name, Ian, gives some of the locals a problem. I get Ion, Ean, Igor etc.

So, one evening the wifey and me go to a restaurant in Southern California where the rather tasty girl at the entrance told me, after I had pronounced and spelt my name, that the table would be about a 15 minute wait.

After 10 mins in the bar another nice looking female comes over and says "Ian, your table is ready".

I responded "how did you know I was Ian?".

Her reply was that "you look like an Ian"

To which I, quicker than a flash cameback with

"good job my name isn't Dick then eh?"

It swooped low over her blond head (missed the cognitive part of her brain) and got me a severe dig in the ribs from She Who Must Be Obeyed. My finest hour as a comedian and I tanked!

FLCH
24th Aug 2005, 19:00
I was standing at the gate, waiting to fly the outbound plane, when a passenger came up to me and said, "What... are you a Flight Attendant or something ?" To which I replied " No sir, I am an airline pilot, originally though I wanted to be a Flight Attendant, but was deemed by our airline to be too ugly, so I had to settle for second best... "
"Oh" came the reply.

inca
24th Aug 2005, 20:16
Bobby Ewing made a pretty cool comeback in Dallas!!!

Joking by the way, I only watched it for Charlenes t!ts....

:} :yuk:

Ozzy
28th Aug 2005, 21:23
This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion of
National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster and
USMarine Corps General Reinwald who was sponsoring a Boy Scout Troop he
brought to his military base.

FEMALE REPORTER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to
teach these young boys while they're visiting your base?

GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, and
shooting.

FEMALE REPORTER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

GENERAL REINWALD: Not at all, they'll be properly supervised on the
rifle range

FEMALE REPORTER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous
activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL REINWALD: No we are very safety conscious and will be teaching
them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE REPORTER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers.

GENERAL REINWALD: Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but
you're not one, are you?

The radio went silent and the interview ended.
You gotta love the Marines...

BenThere
28th Aug 2005, 22:02
Peter Lorre: You don't like me, do you, Rick?

Bogie: If I gave you any thought I probably wouldn't.

oojamaflip
29th Aug 2005, 18:41
Whilst chatting with friends in a pub, the girl next to me notices my mates wedding ring and the conversation goes along the lines of:

'Oh, I didn't know you were married!'

'Yeah, about 8 years now'

'Oh really, what does your wife do?'

'Everything - that's why I married her.'

Cue much spitting of beer.