View Full Version : 40 reasons to stay outa Pommyland

20th Aug 2005, 00:24
1 The amount of time the English spend laughing daily has declined from an average of 18 minutes in the 1950s to just six minutes, according to a survey earlier this year.

2 More than 30,000 people die due to obesity in England every year. British children are the fattest in Europe: 10% of English six-year-olds are overweight, as are 17% of 15-year-olds.

3 The prison population in England and Wales increased by two-thirds from 1993 to 2003.

4 One in 10 Englishmen suffers erectile dysfunction.

5 Out of a possible score of 56 in National Geographic’s 2002 learning survey, English children averaged just 28.

6 A hotel survey following 2003’s Rugby World Cup revealed that English guests left behind an array of bizarre items including a jock strap bearing the image of Tony Blair and various devices decorated with the Union Jack.

7 English pubs generally close at 11pm. They serve beer warmed to 12°C.

8 One in 10 Englishmen has a drinking problem; 33,000 deaths annually are due to alcoholism. The Advertising Standards Authority recently ordered drinks companies to hire uglier performers for their advertisements, to avoid any link between alcohol and sexiness.

9 Those pub hours, introduced during WWI to keep workers sober, are the most restrictive in Europe.

10 Despite this, the English drink more than even the Irish, according to an Ulster health report.

11 Conservative leader Michael Howard is opposed to liberalised drinking laws.

12 The word “weather” is one of Britain’s most popular internet searches, followed by advice on how to lose weight.

13 705,954 sexually transmitted infections were recorded in Britain in 2003.

14 Twenty-one million English fans paid money to watch soccer matches last season. During Euro 2000, 965 English fans were arrested; in 1992, approximately 5000 arrests for hooliganism were made. After soccer, greyhound racing is Britain’s most popular sport.

15 A recent survey of 500 business leaders found that optimism in British industry had more than halved during the past year.

16 MG Rover, one of the last remaining British volume car makers, was sold this year to China’s Nanjing Automotive.

17 In 2002, it was reported that England’s rat population had reached the same level as the human population: around 60 million.

18 Last month’s retail sales were the weakest July result in England since 1995.

19 Manchester United player Wayne Rooney was sent to anger management classes after visibly using 10 obscenities in 60 seconds during a match last season. Players in the upcoming season may be red-carded for swearing.

20 The Confederation of British Industry expects that 18,000 jobs will be lost nationally in the current quarter.

21 Up to 58% of small businesses in England annually fall victim to crime. Most of these crimes are not reported due to an expectation that nothing will be done about them.

22 British fuel prices, among the highest in Europe, are boosted by a tax rate of 67%. One litre of petrol currently costs around 90p or $2.11.

23 Rabbits are England’s third most popular household pet. Last year, RSPCA inspectors responded to 574 cruelty complaints involving the creatures.

24 England has one of the highest ratios of patients to dentists in Europe; in 2003, a shortage of 1850 dentists was reported. Some two million people don’t have access to a National Health Service dentist.

25 One British father in 25 could unknowingly be bringing up a child who is not his own, according to new DNA research.

26 The most visited attraction on England’s National Trust list was once the home of Prime Minister William Gladstone. Now it’s Paul McCartney’s childhood home.

27 An Englishman hasn’t won the men’s final at Wimbledon since Fred Perry in 1936.

28 Nearly 45% of England’s outdoor sports pitches have been lost since 1992.

29 Bankruptcies in Britain increased to 40,840 in the past financial year – the highest annual figure since records began.

30 Unemployment has increased in Britain for each of the past five months; 864,900 are currently on the dole.

31 The least affordable home in the world is £70m ($165m) Updown Court, a 103-room mansion in Windlesham, Surrey.

32 According to The Economist, a Big Mac in England costs $4.45. An Australian Big Mac is more than $1 cheaper.

33 In 1477, a ban on an early style of cricket was imposed. In 1542 England banned the playing of shuffleboard. In 2004, Santa Claus was banned by one Birmingham supermarket out of a “wish to be sensitive to people of other religions over the festive period”.

34 The number of flower species in England’s woodlands has declined by one-third in the past 30 years.

35 J.K. Rowling’s first Harry Potter book was rejected by all major British publishers. American rights were eventually secured for just $105,000. Rowling is now Britain’s richest woman.

36 Some students at Yorkshire inner-city schools skip as much as a whole term in a single school year, according to a three-year study by the National Foundation for Educational Research.

37 Willow Park lake at Aldershot, once one of England’s “finest mixed fisheries”, yielded only bream during a recent fishing contest. And carp.

38 The current English summer is the driest for 30 years. Watering restrictions have been introduced in some areas.

39 Tickets for the Third Ashes Test changed hands for up to £500.

40 The 2001 Turner Prize, awarded for England’s finest piece of modern art, was won by Martin Creed for his work entitled The Lights Going On and Off. It depicted two flashing lights. Creed’s earlier artistic achievements included blobs of Blu Tack and balls of paper.


20th Aug 2005, 00:36
1 reason to stay here..........more jobs than you can stake a proverbial stick at!!

(who cares if I have irrectile disfunction.....when I go home..it'll clear up!):E

20th Aug 2005, 00:41
All the bl***y Aussies living in Earls Court on benefits whinging about the Poms..................

16 blades
20th Aug 2005, 02:59
....and we still won the rugby world cup. Still sore, are we?


20th Aug 2005, 03:39
42. Skanky bathrooms with carpet on the floor.

20th Aug 2005, 03:55
43. Leeds/Bradford.

20th Aug 2005, 03:58
44. Heathrow and the M25.

45. Leaves on the line

46. The wrong type of snow

47. The Underground in summer

20th Aug 2005, 04:34
Funny how there's so many Ozzies in London. Still, I suppose they make good barmen and waitresses....:p

20th Aug 2005, 09:04
Presumably that's why so many poms have moved to (http://www.britishexpat.com/Moving_To_Australia__An_Expat.401.0.html) and set up camp on Bondi Beach...


I understand 1 in 3 poms wants to emigrate. Things must be coming to a head there.

Lance Murdoch
20th Aug 2005, 09:10
No problem Tinpis, just dont forget to leave the Ashes behind when you leave!:E :}

20th Aug 2005, 09:37
Tinpis (does your username reflect what you drink?)

Most of your reasons are in fact reasons to visit or stay in England.

Yes we like a drink (re. 4,6,7,8,9,10,11), we enjoy good food (2.23,32), we are rampant in bed (13,23,35), we tolerate people whose standards are lower than our own (14,19,26,33,35,36,40), our beautiful islands are warming up nicely (12, 34,37,38) and we have an open, dynamic economy in which success is rewarded and failures fail (15,16,18,20,29,30,39).

Sorry about the rats and the prisoners, but you probably won't see either.

A few good things about our country:

Ex-Prime Ministers appear LIVE on television.
We don't name our streets after dates.
Our policemen don't wear sunglasses.
We don't feel the need to put our country's name on our stamps.
You are speaking our language,
:cool: <not a policeman

20th Aug 2005, 09:41
And our most poisonous reptile/insect is the adder.... ;)

20th Aug 2005, 10:03
And our most poisonous reptile/insect is the adder....

Yes, but our accountants aren't much better either. :E

Lon More
20th Aug 2005, 10:35
Tinpis You don't seem to like Oz very much either as you list your location as Darwhine

Off to listen to Billy Connolly's description of the place - box jellyfish, funnel web spiders, sharks, the Japanese, prime ministers going walk-about and trying not to think about a number of posts here describing the sanitary habits of the Abos. BTW , Fosters - Abo for p1ss

20th Aug 2005, 10:43
but our accountants aren't much better either.
Oi! I resemble that comment! What've I done to you?



Your, local, friendly, fair and honest Accountant. I do not have scales ALL over my body and I am approachable during budget season

20th Aug 2005, 10:47
;) What about the sexual stamina of British men? :O

timesonline May 2005.
A SCIENTIFIC study to be published this week will suggest that British men are world leaders at sex, at least when they are measured against the clock.

Across all the countries studied, the average time for actual lovemaking was 5.4 minutes. Around that figure, however, the researchers found considerable variations related to age and nationality.

While British men took on average 7.6 minutes, the typical American took 7 minutes, while the Spanish lasted 5.8 minutes and the Dutch 5.1 minutes.

The Turks produced the biggest surprise: on average they spend just 3.7 minutes at it.

In the research, to be published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine, British and Dutch scientists studied 500 couples aged over 18 in the five countries.

“Sexual events were stopwatch-timed over a four-week period and recorded,” says Dr Marcel Waldinger, a leading neuro-psychiatrist based at Utrecht University who led the research.


Why am I absolutely certain this story has been posted here before, probably number of times...

20th Aug 2005, 10:49
:) Sorry Whirls.

20th Aug 2005, 12:47
The erectile disfunction is a bugger for sure but I've learned to deal with it. By having all my trousers specially tailored, the troublesome tumescence hardly shows, even when seated.

As to keeping rabbits, we had two dozen of them in hutches in our yard when I was a lad. We ate two pairs every week, one pair on tuesday and another pair on thursday. As far as I know the budgerigar is really the UK's No.1 pet - we Poms have a natural affinity for keeping aussies locked up in cages. Our budgie - Joey - had a ring round his leg, but at least we never hung a ball and chain on it.

20th Aug 2005, 12:49
trying to depress the whole of JB, are you? :*

20th Aug 2005, 15:04
Not all of us M'am FB :E :E

20th Aug 2005, 15:13
I Can't Bladdy Stand Australians (http://stupidaussies.curvedspaces.com/index.html) :}

20th Aug 2005, 15:16
Me father inlaw informed me that Ms Victoria Beckingham has admitted she has never read a book in her life. Why am I not surprised....:rolleyes:

20th Aug 2005, 15:20
Australians sit around all day guzzling down Fosters

Ah, you see ORAC, that site shoots itself in the foot in the first line. No Ozmate drinks Fosters. ;)

eastern wiseguy
20th Aug 2005, 17:25
I clicked on the link...and discovered a click here icon with Aussies.tk underlined.I clicked it ...and it has taken me to British National Party site.

My sense of humour failed at that point.

20th Aug 2005, 19:00
Reason 48 to stay out of Pommyland....

You're a whinin' Australian and Pommyland don't want you. :*


Lon More
20th Aug 2005, 19:31
Eastern Wiseguy But then you missed the address and telephone number to forward all your junkmaail to at the bottom of the page :}

20th Aug 2005, 20:48
Why is it Australians insist on calling us Pommys?

POME (Pommy) means 'Prisoner Of Mother England'.

It's the Aussies, or more accurately, their thieving, murdering, uneducated, low life ancestors that were the POME's, not us.

Now back to my book of British History (yes that's right fellas more than 200 years ago) and a nice pint of full flavoured cellar temperature Bitter.

Thadda be roight, mate:ok:


montys ex teaboy
20th Aug 2005, 20:48
I've got reasons (to many to list on this site) to stay out of Australia. In fact I have 18 million reasons.

20th Aug 2005, 21:39
Oh my Max, I'm sure that they will happily take your passport back if really feel that way.:uhoh:

And please don't bother to apply for an US passport.

Unless you are trying to be funny, if so, I'm afraid you rather missed the mark.

20th Aug 2005, 22:18
Well, for having survived a two day stay in Luxemburg and a 12 months stays in Cambridge, England, I think that boredom would have killed me more surely than a british policeman's bullet if it had been 12 months in Luxemburg.
They have actual people in there? I thought there was only banks and a duke in a castle...
And I see that the old friendly relationship between the Aussies, the Limeys and the Yanks is still going strong.
sell, go ahead me lads, go ahead mates, go ahead buddies,
This Froggy is looking..:} Hee hee hee hee...

20th Aug 2005, 22:42
Antonius, please- it's a GRAND Duke, not just a plain-vanilla Duke... As to banks, well, I work in one (as Call Centre Manager, so although I am just a humble PAX, I like to think that I have at least a tengential connection with this site...)...

Are you French? It just so happens I work for a French bank:O

As to Australians, I would emigrate like a shot if I thought they would have me... :rolleyes:

Cambridge? I'm a failed undergrate there... Frankly, boredom there was greater there than in Lux!


20th Aug 2005, 22:57
Just saw the sultry skynews weather girl.........erectile disfunction cured:} ...now if I could only see the damn thing behind ma stomach

henry crun
20th Aug 2005, 23:16
Maxbert: You mentioned the shooting in London by police and your desire to emigrate to Australia.

A few seconds on Google produced this snippet of information you may not be aware of "Between 1990 and 1997 the Australian police shot 41 people whom they were attempting to detain".

If those dates are inclusive that is about 5 per year.
I wonder how many the British police shot in the same period ?

20th Aug 2005, 23:20
You are a little tinker. You got a few nibbles with this thread though. Tell me where did you get all of that information from and when did you learn all them big words?


20th Aug 2005, 23:33
The 7.6 minutes quoted for Britmansex obviously includes the mandatory visit to the pub to consume 3 pints of Watney's Red Barrel. That's foreplay for ya, gal! :cool:

Don't worry - I won't embarrass ya'. I promise to pull yer nightie down if yer asleep when I have finished bringing ya' to sheer ecstasy! ;)

Seriously, anything less than two hours isn't worth talking about! :E

21st Aug 2005, 00:59
:( Maaaaaates...fair suck a the saveloy!
Ya all trine ta shoot tin the messenger?


Never said anything about Orstraya did I ?
Just so happens I live here and have produced a few :E

Tins loves all youse poms every morning when i get outa bed and check the midwinter day here (Darwin Sunny
Hi: 33C Low: 20C wavin' palms waftin balmy tropical breezes darling fuzzy wuzzys strummin' ukeleles all pissed as beltin each other wit nulla nullas)
I think to me self HOW BLOODY GOOD IS THIS MATE?
And I give thanks to the ancestral poms fer settin this joint up and staying up there in Pommyland.

And if any of ya wanna piece of it look
:}here (http://www.pprune.org/forums/showthread.php?s=&threadid=186494)

21st Aug 2005, 04:21
:hmm: Orac have to agree with some of the comments on the web-site

"Steve Irwin puts the Aussie accent on, he's really Welsh and smokes crack with his mother, who he doesn't realize has been dead for months."

That's probably true. Steve Irwin is a retarded loser that gets paid to put on the "dinki-di Aussie" stereotype.

Solid Rust Twotter
21st Aug 2005, 05:44
Could be worse, Maxbert.

You could be resident in a country immediately adjacent to Mad Bob's little paradise, run by Bob's Poodle who won't tolerate a word of censure against said megalomaniac, and have the worrying knowledge that all you've worked for is next for the chop.....

Tinny, got a spare room, mate?:ugh: