View Full Version : The Dam Busters Raid in a 'PC' world

19th Aug 2005, 18:09
Just finished reading Paul Brickhill’s ‘The Dam Busters’ (again) and got to musing as to how the operation would have gone in today’s ‘PC’ climate……..

Guy Gibson “Hello Chiefy, all ready for tonight’s op then?”

”Chiefy” Powell “Almost ready, sir – just one or two small issues to sort out.”

Guy Gibson “Issues? Whatd’yer mean, issues?”

”Chiefy” Powell: “Well the engines need sorting sir, they’ve all been playing up”

Guy Gibson “Playing up!? – The Merlin is the single most reliable engine of the war, for Chrisake!”

”Chiefy” Powell “Well, they’ve been running rough and having “deferred success” after about an hour with the new fuel, you see – and, ahem, could you not refer to a deity like that, sir? The squadron’s Ecumenical Council is very concerned that we don’t offend those with a differing religious bias – The Multi-Faith Chaplains were most particular on that point”

Guy Gibson “Deferred success?”

”Chiefy” Powell “Precisely sir! Station Commander’s Standing Orders – engines and pilots don’t “fail” any more – the word promotes low self-worth negative feelings sir”

Guy Gibson “ Well, what’s all this about ‘new fuel’???”

”Chiefy” Powell “Unleaded sir. A petrol engine meeting theEuro IV emission standards and using petrol meeting the Euro IV specification will emit 46% less nitrogen oxides, 50% less hydrocarbons and 56% less carbon monoxide. 100 octane – sorry, RON100 - is out.

Guy Gibson “Hmmph – well is ‘G for George’ bombed up yet?”

”Chiefy” Powell “Er, no sir. The Health and Safety Executive discovered that the bomb, er sorry, the IED, was filled with RDX High Explosive and the chemical toilet on the same aircraft had caustic soda in it”

Guy Gibson “So?!!”

”Chiefy” Powell “ICAO Dangerous Goods regulations, sir – can’t carry the two together” … and it’s ‘G’ for ‘Gay’ now sir”

Guy Gibson “Jesu .. I mean Golly, no, Gosh! – well has the route been finalised?”

”Chiefy” Powell“ Nearly done sir! Apart from re-routing away from the island of Borkum.”

Guy Gibson “ What!”

”Chiefy” Powell “RSPB have been on sir, it seems there’s a breeding colony of Storm Petrels on it and it’s more than our job’s worth to go near it, quite apart from the GreenPeace trawler monitoring any deviation – Oh, and Leutnant Otto Brayk of Jagdeschwader 52 has sent an email to say he and his boys are looking forward to meeting you over Gilze-Rijen Airfield”

Guy Gibson “My God .. I mean Gracious! Has some bast… er, who’s opened their mouth and talked?”

”Chiefy” Powell “No-one, sir – it’s in the flight-plan. I filed it this morning. You do know that to fly VFR over the Netherlands at night the Dutch Ministerie van Verkeer en Waterstaat require a plan – you should have done it last week but I phoned and they said it’ll be OK this once. And not below 2000 feet in the Amsterdam FIR please sir. The Green party are very big there now.”

Guy Gibson “Well, we’ll see about that – is my kit ready? My Mae West?”

”Chiefy” Powell “Water Flotation Device if you please, sir – Bomber Command’s Harassment co-coordinator has renamed it – Mae West has too many sexual connotations.

Guy Gibson “ Well where are my flying gloves … and my helmet?”

”Chiefy” Powell “They were kid-leather sir!! – 5 Group’s Animal-Rights Officer nearly had a fit! And no helmets any more I’m afraid – can’t get a Turban under them.”

Guy Gibson “This is just too much! You’ll be saying that I can’t get to the dams next!”

”Chiefy” Powell “Funny you should mention that Sir, Brussels Flow Control says that there is likely to be holding at the MOHNE waypoint – and there is the issue of sufficient fuel. You can’t enter the Dusseldorf FIR with less than 20mins extra, and that makes the Lanc. really tight on gas.”

Guy Gibson “Look here, Chiefy, if I don’t get back I’d like you to have my next egg – and bury my poor dog outside my office at midnight would you?”

”Chiefy” Powell “Eggs are a “non-featured item” of the menu at this time sir – the Group Healthy-Living Food-Diversity Task-Force have been concerned that as the Food Standards Agency’s ‘Guidance on the Egg Products Regulations 1993’ is currently being revised, that we as a forward-thinking, pro-active unit should show the way to the rest of the Service …………………. And er, sir….

Guy Gibson WHAT??!!

”Chiefy” Powell “The squadron Ethnicity Monitoring Team would like you to re-name your dog.”


20th Aug 2005, 02:41