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View Full Version : Where's Astrodome?Friday 19/8 joke page


lasernigel
19th Aug 2005, 10:53
Apologies to Astrodome but it's getting late for the Friday joke start so here goes.......

A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on. He saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing. She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole, and you're a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole." He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine, the same thing happened, and he approached the lady again with the same request. She said, "I'm on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th." Once again he thanked her.

He finished his round and went into the club house and saw the lady sitting at the end of the bar. He went up to her and said, "Let me buy you a drink to show my appreciation for your help." He started a conversation and asked her what kind of work she did. She said she was in sales, and he said he was in sales also. He asked what she sold.

She replied, "If I told you, you would only laugh."

"No, I wouldn't," he said.

She said, "I sell tampons."

With that he fell on the floor laughing so hard.

She said, "See, I knew you would laugh."

"That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied. "I'm a toilet paper salesman, so I'm STILL one hole behind you!"




An engineer dies and reports to the Pearly Gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says: "Ah, you're an engineer, but you worked for a high-tech startup company and got rich. You've had too good of a life, so now you can't come in here."

So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer is dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements.

After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators. The computers are all upgraded and there are speaker wires running to every room. Even the clocks on the VCRs are set. The engineer becomes a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls up Satan on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators. The computers are faster than ever and we've got music in every room. There's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake, he should never have gotten down there! Send him back up here, now."

Satan shouts back, "No way! I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right... and just where are YOU going to find a lawyer?"

Biggles Flies Undone
19th Aug 2005, 11:04
A young boy goes off to university, but about 1/3 way through the term, he has foolishly squandered what money his parents gave him. "Hmmmm," he wonders, "How am I gonna get more dough?" Then he gets an idea.

He calls his father.

"Dad," he says, "you won't believe the wonders that modern education are coming up with! Why, they actually have a programme here that will teach Fido how to talk!"

"That's absolutely amazing!" his father says. "How do I get him in that programme?"

"Just send him down here with 1,000" the boy says, "I'll get him into the course."

So, his father sends the dog and the 1,000. About 2/3 way through the term, the money runs out. The boy calls his father again.

"So how's Fido doing, son?" his father asks.

"Awesome, dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - they've had such good results with this programme, that they've implemented a new one to teach the animals how to READ!"

"READ!?" says his father, "No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in that programme?"

"Just send 2,500, I'll get him in the class."

...And his father sends the money.

At the end of the term, the boy has a problem. When he gets home, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk nor read. So he shoots the dog. When he gets home, his father is all excited.

"Where's Fido? I just can't wait to hear him talk and listen to him read something!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. This morning, when I got out of the shower, Fido was in the living room kicking back in the recliner, reading the morning paper, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messing around with that little redhead who lives in Oak Street?' "

The father says, "Oh, sh*t; I hope you SHOT that lying son of a bitch!"

"I sure did, Dad!"

"That's my boy!"