Amusing PA announcements

[Alpha Leader]

The one I like best is being told that "photography is not allowed over XXXX territory", when all you have to do is go to Google Maps to see it all. ;)

One country with this phobia is India....there must be others, too.

[apaddyinuk]

How about..."Please remain seated with your seatbelt securly fastened and leaving all items of handluggage safely stowed until the aircraft comes to a complete halt and the Captain has switched off the fasten seatbelt sign"!!!! I mean like, Oh my god....how outrageous? Why would you possible want to stay in your seat once youve landed?

[Avman]

Paddy, if you had any idea how many pax regularly get up before the a/c comes to a complete standstill at the gate then you would understand why that announcement is made. Mind you, announcement or not, in some countries it doesn't make a blind bit of difference.

[tom de luxe]

My all-time fav: "Doors to automatic and cross dress"

followed by "Use the red tube to top up air if needed, and there's also a light to attract the sharks".

[Farmer 1]

Avman, I think you need to look up the meaning of the word "irony". There's a lot of it about.


I once read about an aircraft going to somewhere in eastern Europe, and had to divert for weather reasons. Don't know which airline, but I think local, and the captain announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, because of bad weather, I regret to announce the aircraft is going to Split."

[Fernando_Covas]

Paddy, if you had any idea how many pax regularly get up before the a/c comes to a complete standstill at the gate then you would understand why that announcement is made. Mind you, announcement or not, in some countries it doesn't make a blind bit of difference.

A short shap dab of the brakes to bring us to a halt I find cures this problem. :E

[fireflybob]

Travelling on a B727 landing at Newark USA mid 1970s. Looked out of the window prior to touchdown and the sink rate looked a bit high - then the heaviest landing I have ever experienced on any flight - most of the hatracks come open.

As we clear the runway Captain comes on "Well folks I guess the only thing we can say about the landing is that we have arrived in New York - have a nice weekend!"

[PAXboy]

Late on a Sunday evening LTN into EDI with EZY. The CC were (I learnt afterwards) at the end of what had been along day of shuttling back and forth to Scotland.

As we turn off the active and start trundling to the apron, "Ladies and Gentlemen. Welcome to ... [a long pause]" As with one voice the pax chorused - "Edinburgh!!!" :p

--------------------
"I tell you, we are here on Earth to fart around, and don't let anybody tell you any different." Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.

[Final 3 Greens]

I love the Big Air "Thank you , cabin crew, for alll your hard work, please take your seats for landing."

[Pandora's Box]

One of my Seniors made a very amusing PA once which literally had the whole cabin in stitches....

2 weeks later he was pulled into the office and was told of several pax complaints saying his PA was very unprefessional and not to do it againl:{

I used to have a laugh on my PA's but its not worth it now, because some pax are just waiting to get you into trouble:yuk:

[Nobend]

Most amusing has got to be....

Sit back, relax and enjoy the flight

[Final 3 Greens]

PandoraI used to have a laugh on my PA's but its not worth it now, because some pax are just waiting to get you into trouble Might be worth remembering that you are not a nervous flyer.

A surprising number are and what may be hilarious to your colleagues, may scare some.

If a CC scares a passenger with a "funny PA", then the experience of that pax is bad and they may well compain (although I bet that a lot more suffer it in silence.)

As a frequent flyer, I'm not nervous, but I have heard most of these PAs many times and to be honest I'd rather have deliberate humour from a professional comedian, who has the skill to deliver it properly, although the odd moment of humour can be good, especially if it is spontaneous.

A couple of months ago, our airbus had just arrived on stand at London in the late evening and shutdown when there was a interuption to the power supply and the cabin lights all flicked off, but there was enough light through the windows to see clearly. Quick as a flash, one of the CC shouted out "has anyone got a quid for the meter?" Now I did find that very funny.

[Farmer 1]

A quid?

Used to be a shilling. There's inflation for you.

[Jordan D]

PAXboy - that happened on my flight LTN-EDI as well ....

Jordan

[Jimlad]

On a flight to Toronto the PA was talking about the safety film and said "please pay attention as there will be a short test on it during the flight" - cue look of terror from some senile americans :)

[Keygrip]

Jimlad - on my last Westbound Gatwick/Orlando with Virgin Atlantic they not only threatened a quiz on the safety video - they DID one (and I won a bottle of Champagne for it).

They simply asked the pax, "How many emergency exits are there on this Boeing 747-400?".

Most of the peeps counted the exit signs on the ceiling, five, the brighter ones then doubled it to get ten.

NOT ONE of the downstairs SLF thought about the upper deck doors - and presumably, not one had the sense to look at the safety card in the seat pocket.

The crew also ran a drawing competition for the kids - asked them to draw "The Captain" (but they had to make it up as they'd never seen him.

[wiggy]

Heard on Australian (Bless em) SYD-MEL
"Please make sure you check the overhead locker for any young family members you may have left there"............

[Tigger4Me]

if you had any idea how many pax regularly get up before the a/c comes to a complete standstill at the gate then you would understand why that announcement is made.


Overheard on a LOCO, "As we have a limited amount of time for our turnaround we would appreciate the help of some passengers in cleaning the cabin. If you would like to volunteer please leave your seat before the aircraft has come to a complete standstill and the Captain has switched off the seatbelt sign."

[FlyingConsultant]

On an early flight with LH few years back, the captain before TO, to avoid the usual "we are now at 3xxxxfeet etc etc" during the flight:

"I know most of you want to sleep, so I won't bore you with details and I will not make an announcement during the flight. We will be flying very high and very fast and we will arrive on time"

And that's really all I wanted to know :-)

[Tigger4Me]

We had a Captain and CC on easyJet that just made our flight from Liverpool back home to Malaga last year. What a team they were and it all got off to a start when the Captain apologised for the minor delay to start-up as they were still searching for the keys and operating manual. The whole trip was so enjoyable thanks to the fantastic crew and the routine that they had going between flight deck and cabin. We had just come off a Virgin flight from the States travelling in Club Class and were dreading the onward connection especially after the attitude of the ground staff in Liverpool.

Whoever crewed the 17 something departure from LPL to AGP on 20th November 2004... THANK YOU :ok:

[wub]

BA CC on arrival in Edinburgh:

"Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Edinburgh. If you have travelled here on business, then looking after you has been our pleasure. If you have travelled here for pleasure, then that's your business."

[ACL1011]

I like amusing crews. My favourite was during a safety demonstration on a WestJet flight:

"For those of you who did not drive to the airport this morning, here is how the seatbelt works." *g*

And yes, I know that the seatbelts on planes are different from those in cars.

[er340790]

WestJet safety announcement (Vancouver) July.

"......... for anyone who needs extra assistance - like my boyfriend - please remain in your seat until all other passengers have disembarked."

Yowling baby in Thunder Bay Dept Lounge.........

AC gate crew:
\'We would like to remind passengers that crying is not permitted in the Departure Lounge!\'

[PAXboy]

A story that I told on a similar thread a few years ago:

1986 on a SAA 737 classic. Internal flight from GRJ ~ JNB a simple 90 minute sector. We were pushing back and the safety is started. It transpired that we had a new CC on and it was her first day of actually reading the saftey announcement. A wily fox on the flight deck is waiting to initiate her in a particular tradition ...

"... place the mask over your face and breath normally." At which point, old fox presses his PA button - overriding the CC - and does 'heavy breathing' into the microphone.

It took the poor girl some moments to recover ...

[barry lloyd]

Back in the (good old) days of British Caledonian, they had a regular flight to Tripoli. After landing there one day, the captain made his usual announcement, followed by "...there is a time difference between Britain and Libya - please put your watches back 2000 years."

Heard on Southwest last year: "Make sure you take all your personal belongings with you. If you do leave anything behind, it'll be on eBay tomorrow."

In the days of BEA, the Trident used to do the regular run to Moscow. On the return leg, the captain would sometimes come on and say "Ladies and gentlemen, we have now left Soviet airspace." Cue much relief, and another round of champagne.

[retiredandloveit]

A few years ago, returning at night to a very stormy Manchester from a package holiday in Spain. Aircraft, an airbus 319 if memory is correct, is being seriously bounced around on appraoch. Small boy in cabin is heard to say 'This is better than the big dipper'.
As we cross the threshold, lights dimmed and cabin now silent, one wing is lifted alarmingly before we bump down and deccelerate. As we leave the runway one of the flight crew makes perhaps the shortest, most concise and understated PAs I've ever heard. 'BLOODY HELL'.

[Air-Geko]

A few from my days:

While heading into the gate in San Antonio a few years back, the pilot makes his usual -- We've arrived and it's whatever time it was. He then says "The weather outside is 98 degrees with matching humidity. It's kind of like living in a big dog's mouth, and smells like it too."

At BMI the gate attendant (Southwest) announces, "We have to delay the flight while the mechanics change a gauge in the cockpit. What it is I don't know, but they tell me it's pretty important and that you'd want it there. Once the new one is in and is tested we'll begin loading. How they test it on the ground is anybody's guess... They tell me it'll take about an hour, but it is Friday night and they want to go home too. So, I would advise not leaving the immediate area -- this is the last plane out to Cleveland tonight and if you miss it, you're NOT spending the night at my place.

On a recent very short flight from ATL into a small airport in Mississippi -- the FA was a rather large guy, sort of a football linebacker. "Once we're underway, we're supposed to have a beverage service. If you haven't noticed, I'm not one of those Barbi-sized Flight Attendants, so I HIGHLY recommend you keep all feet, shoulders, and anything else you want uninjured out of the aisle.

Air-geko

[iskandra]

Contrary to what other people with fear of flying might say, I *always* enjoy fun announcements...humour, for me, is one good way to cope with being nervous.

Incidentally, if you end up on a flight with some utterly obnoxious passengers next to you, I can always shut them up rather quickly- "would you like to hear the story of my last emergency landing?" :}

[MagnusP]

Just in the cruise on LHR-EDI with (what was then) British Midland some years ago, and the flight deck came on the PA and closed with "... and congratulations to <name deleted> from the cabin crew who has just become engaged. Is it true about the strawberry yoghurt?"

Cue banshee screaming from the galley . . .

[sixmilehighclub]

Was supposed to announce in saftey PA that "smoking anywhere on this aircraft is dangerous and could lead to prosecution" but it came out as "smoking anywhere on this aircraft is dangerous and could lead to prostitution".

Also after very heavy landing recently I announced " when you leave us please check you have all your belongings, and limbs with you..."

[Departures Beckham]

Whilst attempting to board one flight, I was asked to make a boarding call for another flight as the gate agent was relatively new. Unfortunately due to the distractions of boarding my own flight, instead of calling pax for the Air Berlin City Shuttle it came out as "Ladies and gentlemen welcome to your Air Berlin Sh!tty Shuttle....."

Luckily I no longer work at the gates .... but the guy in the bar did offer to buy me a drink!

[Antoninus]

Can't remember whether it's Phoenix or Yuma, but one of those airports has two parallel runways, so sometimes on final you see a plane flying closer and closer to yours until eventually they set on parallel courses and land each on their designated runway.
But of course, when you don't know about the parallel runways, seeing another aircraft getting close like that tends to attracts your attention.
The second time I flew there (Soutwhest) I was with my girl friend, who wasn't really fanatical about planes and flying..
And as we're on final approach she spots the other aicrfat closing in..
Her (Worried voice): "What's he doing??"
Me: "Well you see, dear this is the Wild West. They're all sort of cowboys here, so we're actually trying to beat the other guy to the runway"..
Her (after finally noticing the two runways): "you're an :mad: hole.."'
A flight attendant, sitting nearby : "I agree..."

[jack_essex]

If anyone else has flown into Gerona, Spain they will know that the runway is very short. As you come in over the mountains it is quite a sharp landing. Last year when arriving when Ryanair, the plane had an extremely hard and bumpy landing. Once we started taxiing the Flight attendant came on the speakers and said "Well after an absolutely fantastic landing, we'd like to welcome you to Gerona". Made a few worried passengers laugh.

[TightSlot]

jack_essex - He/She was a very brave, if somewhat unwise Flight Attendant IMHO. I make it an absolute rule never to pass comment of any kind on a landing on the PA. Some pilots take strong exception to such PA's, taking the view that the CC are not in a position to know all of the circumstances surrounding any given approach and landing, and are therefore not qualified to pass judgement in front of others. I can understand their point.

One of the (many) bits of advice I give to new hire crew is never to refer to the quality of a landing in front of a pilot, even on the crew bus after a flight, unless specifically asked by the Captain - even then, discretion is appropriate. This isn't just about courtesy, but also about respecting the chain of command.

P.S. - Gerona isn't an especially short runway at 2,400m (7,874ft) there are certainly shorter, such as Luton at 2,160m (7,086ft). Sometimes, pilots will break a little harder in order to facilitate turning off the runway sooner: This clears the runway for a following aircraft and saves taxi fuel by reducing the taxi distance. This may or may not have been the case in GRO, but is not uncommon at many airfields.

P.P.S. Quite possible that my runway information is either out of date or that there are performance factors that I am unaware of, in which case please correct as required
;)

[BBDO]

Yesterday on approach into Toronto on BA:

"If your on the left of the aircraft you can see a great view of downtown Toronto, if you're on the right of the aircraft you can see a big cloud."

[Keygrip]

Had a similar last year on a flight from orlando to Phoenix.

"If you all look to your right, those of you on the right hand side of the aircraft will see the remnants of Hurricane Francis. Those of you on the left hand side will see a lot of people looking out of the windows."

[EGLKFlyer]

BA last year from (I think) HEL to LHR: "This is a no-smoking flight. The toilets have smoke detectors which are very sensitive, very loud and very embarassing..."

BA Captain LHR-CDG: "In a few moments the cabin crew will show you a safety video. Myself, the FO and CC all take exams in how to get off this plane in an emergency. So it's for your benefit, not ours". Cue nervous laughter from the frequent fliers who actually seemed to pay more attention than usual.

[skydriller]

Flybe Cabin crew last week...

"Please be sure to check out our new ski destinations of Chambery and Malaga in the brochure" ....Malaga?!? or was she thinking waterskiing?

Flybe Captain yesterday....

Those on the left side of the aeroplane can see the lovely French city of Poitier below...." SD glances down .....er I believe that is actually Niort..... Hope we do actually end up in Bordeaux today sometime....;)

[TightSlot]

Believe it or not... People do actually ski in the mountains behind Malaga (Sierra Nevada?) - so I am advised :confused:

[Globaliser]

A long wait for our airborne time at LHR, but we had to push back to clear the gate for an incoming aircraft, and then sit on the tarmac somewhere in the wastelands. "Those of you on the left hand side of the aircraft have a splendid view of Terminal 4 and the southern runway. Those of you on the right hand side can admire the traffic on the Bath Road."

[skydriller]

Tightslot,

You know, I did wonder about that myself - and I stand corrected - but lets just say that there were definitely a few titters around the cabin - which is why I mentioned it;) , and anything to bring a smile to the pax faces, right - even if meant seriously?

Regards, SD..

[TightSlot]

skydriller - Apologies, I didn't mean to get heavy-handed about it at all. If you don't know, then it does sound rather amusing. I'm still waiting for somebody to tell me that I'm wrong about the skiing (but I don't think I am) :O

[jongeman]

Many years ago, on a BA flight from Manchester to Berlin Tegel.....

"And at the back of the cabin today, we have the lovely Stephen, who'll be serving you from the rear"

Titters round the cabin, I think I nearly choked, the guy next to me gave me a really dirty look.....lol

[barrythecat]

One of our Captains kindly popped over to Ops post flight with his paperwork and related the following.........

He had just done a fairly heavy landing (his words not mine!) in to LGW. As he taxied off towards the stands he got on the PA and said........

"Ladies and Gentlemen......Welcome to Gatwick........where the runway is a lot higher than I remembered it ! "

Quality from a top skipper :p

[FlyingConsultant]

Ladies and Gentlemen......Welcome to Gatwick........where the runway is a lot higher than I remembered it ! "

Now, that is funny. And it is the spirit I would love to see/hear from all flight crew in a situation like this. Some humerous self criticism, and sure as hell pax will remember this as an "oops" rather than a "we had a bad pilot" - and you hear that a lot, believe me

Keep it up!

(edited to remove use of bad sentence structure. Not sure I succeeded)

[PAXboy]

TightSlotI'm still waiting for somebody to tell me that I'm wrong about the skiing (but I don't think I am) No PPRuNe Moderator could ever make a mistake. Shurley? (Now, where is the smiley for shmoozing the Mods??) :}

[Romeo Delta]

On a NW Airlink flight into DTW last year we ended up doing a go-around. The FA comes on the PA and says, "Sorry, folks! We've decided to do a Victory Lap!"

[IB4138]

Tightslot

You are not wrong....it is possible, on new years day to go swimming in the Med, then take a two hour drive and ski in the Sierra Nevada.:ok:

[jack_essex]

Yep, some of my friends have done it before.

http://www.ifyouski.com/resorts/airports/malaga/

[Wake Turbulence]

GA in STL, announcing an E145 service to ORD (in reference to the fact all carry-on bags larger than a notebook computer would have to be put into the hold):

"Ladies and gentlemen, unfortunately this service is a Regional Jet..."

[SkySista]

good stuff! :D

on my first flight with Virgin Blue, going into a gate with no aerobridge, the crew were making the announcement about staying on the marked pathway "please remain between the white lines, as jet blast can really ruin your hairdo!"

and the goodie:
"welcome to XX airlines, where we have the best cabin crew in the business. Unfortunately, they're all on holidays today..."

many moons ago on an Ansett red-eye, Captain was making the usual altitude, flight time, blah blah announcement, onto the end of which was added: "and could the Purser please bring the Tim Tams to the flight deck.."

Sure gave me a smile; they must have been bored! :D

[Bumz_Rush]

You can see the mountains from Malaga airport, and they are often snow covered.

I am based in Gibraltar, which is not quite close enough for the view, but we often go swin and ski before the summer madness..... There is also a very popular Beach at Granada......work that one out.....

Just to add confusion Moscow (RF) has a popoular sandy bathing beach too....(Too poluted, for me but lots of nice people!!!!.)

Bumz

not certain of location or circumstances, but:

after the heavy landing, captain speaks:

I would like to add my welcome to @@@@@ and apologise for the bumpy landing, we normally employ first oficers for those, but today it was my turn......thak you for flying $$$$ and I really do hope you will give me a second chance.....

Bumz

[Trislander]

"Ladies and gentleman we are now in the cruise at 25-thousand feet and 8 inches, after all, we all know what a difference 8 inches makes!"

:oh: :D

[grimmrad]

quote:
"if you had any idea how many pax regularly get up before the a/c comes to a complete standstill at the gate then you would understand why that announcement is made."

Was on a flight from SFO to Amsterdam on KLM, after landing while taxying to the gate the usual announcement not to get up before... etc.
Suddenly the guys up front (747-400) slam the breaks because of traffic and the ac stops immediately (pretty impressive, everyone hung in his belt). After that: "As you could see this plane has very powerful brakes therefore please remain seated until we reached our gate and..." From that moment I understood why they make this announcement...

[Tudor]

Yeah, I always pray for that to happen whenever I see people leaping up before the aircraft's stopped!

Some people really do think they know best, perhaps a small dose of concussion would convince them that they don't!!!

[sinala1]

A few of the pilots I flew with at my previous airline would actually listen out on the PA for crew making PA's "we remind you to please remain seated blah blah" and would actually purposely tap the brakes on the way into the gate... :E

One of my favourites re this issue that I used to use was "We ask you to please remain seated until we have reached our gate at the seatbelt sign has been turned off. Never before in history has a passenger beaten the aircraft to the gate - please dont be the first to try"

:ok:

[plans123]

Heard this on the VS028 this morning from whilst traveling back from Orlando
"Ladies and gents - you've had Disney World, You've had Sea World - now its back to the real world!"

Made me laugh :D

ps - the skymaps are great for playing guess your NAT Track (well they are if you're a sad rubber necker (Just like me! ;) ))

[Self Loading Freight]

Here's a PA announcement that amused the pax but got the pilot into hot water...

http://www.stuff.co.nz/stuff/0,2106,3396863a14095,00.html

"Prime Minister Helen Clark has defended her decision to enter the cockpit of an Air New Zealand plane to remonstrate with a pilot who blamed her for the flight being late.

Government-owned Air New Zealand yesterday apologised to Clark and stood down the Boeing 737 pilot after he jokingly blamed her for delays to a Christchurch-bound flight over the plane's public-address system.

The row follows the conviction of two police officers and a civilian driver over her speeding motorcade from Waimate to Christchurch.

The pilot, who thought Clark had made alternative arrangements to fly to Invercargill from Wellington because of fog delays, told passengers she was "taking a private jet – so much for supporting the national airline".

"First of all there was the fog in Auckland, and now the Prime Minister, who was supposed to be flying with us, has decided to offload herself and her bags," the pilot told passengers. "..."

Much more at the link...

R

[Eliason]

Actually happened to me - I was the German speaker on the flight and doing the after landing PA started with the usual:
"Sehr geehrte Damen und Herren..."

Due to the fact that I was chewing on a gum a colleague gave me before landing it more came out like: "... Damen und Herzen..." :O
which would translate to "My ladies and darlings... " (rathern than ladies and gentlemen).

First and only time I ever chewed a gum while making a PA - got amuses smiles from the pax though - lucky I was sitting all the way in the back on that flight ;) :O