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Astrodome
26th May 2005, 22:27
A guy walks into his doctor's office and says, "Ddddoc, I've bbbeen sssttttuttering ffor yyears and III'm tired of it. Ccccan yyyou hehehelp mmme???"

The doc says, "Well, I'll have to examine you first before I can answer you."

The doc examines him and says, "Well, I'm pretty sure that I know what the problem is."

The guy asks, "wwwell wwwhat is it, ddoc?"

The doc says,"It's your penis. It's about about 12 inches long and all of the down pressure is putting a strain on your vocal chords."

The guy asks, "Wwwhat ccan wwe ddo about it?"

The doc replies, "Well, I can cut it off and transplant a shorter one. I can guarantee that the operation will cure your stuttering."

The guy says, "Dddo it!"

The guy has the operation and about four weeks later he comes back to the doctor's office and says, "Thanks Doc. You've solved my problem and I don't stutter any more but I've only had sex once in the past month. My wife doesn't enjoy it any more. I cannot satisfy her. She liked my long penis. I don't care if I have to stutter, I want you to put my long one back one!"

The doc replies, "Nnnnope. A ddddeal's a ddddeal!"

MReyn24050
27th May 2005, 06:47
DRUNKS IN A BAR
Two men are drinking in a bar at the top of the Empire State Building.
One turns to the other and says: "You know, last week I discovered that if
you jump from the top of this building, by the time you fall to the 10th
floor, the winds around the building are so tense
that they carry you around the building and back into the window." The
Bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar.
The 2nd Man says: "What are you a nut? There is no way in hell that could
happen." 1st Man: "No, it's true let me prove it to you." So he gets up
from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and careens toward the street below.
When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building
and back into the 10th floor window and he takes the elevator back up to
the bar.
The 2nd Man tells him: "You know, I saw that with my own eyes, but that must
have been a one time fluke."
1st Man: "No, I'll prove it again" - and again he jumps and hurtles
toward the street where the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the
building and into the window.
Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it. 2nd Man: "Well, what
the hell, it works for you, I'll try it." He jumps over the balcony, plunges
downward, passes the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th floors and hits the sidewalk
with a splat. Back upstairs the Bartender turns to the other drinker and
says . .

"You know, Superman, you're a real axxxxle when you're drunk.

colmac747
27th May 2005, 16:33
Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo and the place is absolutely packed to the rafters.

In a bid to break the ice with his new audience he asks if anyone would like him to play a request.

A little old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts at the top of his voice,

"Play a jazz chord! Play a jazz chord!"

Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's varied
career, the blind impressario starts to play an E minor scale and then
goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes. When he finishes
the whole place goes wild. The little old man jumps up again and shouts,

"No, no, play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord".

A bit p***ed off by this, Stevie, being the professional that he is, dives straight into a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor chord and really tears the place apart. The crowd goes wild with this impromptu show of his technical expertise.

The little old man jumps up again.

"No, no. Play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord".

Well and truly p***ed off that this little guy doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability. Stevie says to him from the stage, "OK smart ass. You get up here and do it!"

The little old man climbs up onto the stage, takes hold of the mike and starts to sing ...
























"A jazz chord to say I ruv you..."

Onan the Clumsy
27th May 2005, 16:43
In the last war, there was a gun emplacement up on the hillside guarding the approaches to Scappa Flow. It was commanded by an older officer who had an unfortunate stutter.

One day, after many booring, actionless months of feeling the bite of the bracing cold winds, they saw a German submarine sneaking up the channel.

The gun crew got the gun loaded and aimed, and then waited patiently as the submarine slid down the channel.

The old dufffer in charge pointed to it, waited for the right time and barked...






"F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-FECKING GET THEM ON THE WAY BACK"

1DC
27th May 2005, 18:36
Yesterday, scientists suggested that, considering the
results of a recent analysis by Professor Betty-Sue
Trailerjack, which revealed the presence of female
hormones in beer, men should take a concerned look at
their beer consumption.

The theory is that beer contains female hormones
(hops contains phytoeostrogens) and drinking it makes
men turn into women or at the least, emphasises their
feminine aspects.

To test the theory, 50 men were fed 6 pints of beer each
within a one hour period. It was then observed that 100%
of the men: talked excessively without making sense;
became overly emotional; couldn't drive; couldn't park,
failed to think rationally; argued over nothing; had to sit
down while urinating; and refused to apologize when
obviously wrong.

No further testing was considered necessary.