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Swanny the scuffer
23rd May 2005, 16:58
Airline cabin announcements All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in flight "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

1. On a Southwest flight (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, then a flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"

2. On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

3. On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have.

4. "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane"

5. "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

6. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

7. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

8. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa.. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight.. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."

9. "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."

10. "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

11. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."

12. "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

13. And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

14. Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."

15. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

16. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

17. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"


18. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

19. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."

20. Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."

21. A plane was taking off from KennedyAirport. After it reached a
comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of ot coffee in my lap.. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine

Pontius Navigator
23rd May 2005, 17:13
And 2 was also attributed to Lufthanza and no 20 to Quantas.

Now this one is true, I was there.

Dandare flight in to Inverness - "This is DanAir nnn with you in 5 minutes for visual 26 to land" (or words to that effect) followed by -

"Ladies and Gentlemen that is the call I shall be making to Inverness when I press the right switch."

SirToppamHat
23rd May 2005, 19:04
On a flight to a foreign summer camp with the ATC in about 1983, the stewardess was going through her routine pointing out where the various exits are to the captive audience. When she drew breath, one of our number (NOT ME) stood up and announced in a clear loud voice:

"And for those of you seated here and here (pointing to 2 groups away from the exits) you have no chance of escape whatsoever, and we apologise for wasting your time!"

The fact he was in uniform added to the effect, though I seem to remember the escorting officer was not terribly impressed (and neither were the affected passengers!).

STH

Bclass
23rd May 2005, 19:54
On the BMI shuttle from Ald to LHR:

<Captain> Ladies and Gentleman, I apologise for our late departure, this was due to the aircraft operating this service earlier going ti..., err, becoming unserviceable

ShyTorque
23rd May 2005, 21:47
In the early 1980s I flew back from Germany on a trooper flight. There was a very strong crosswind at Luton and the first attempt at landing was a go-around. The second landing was the firmest I have ever experienced; the oxygen masks self deployed and some of the overhead lockers burst open. As we fishtailed down runway 26, I looked over at the stewardess, strapped in and facing backwards. I asked her if the captain would be apologising on behalf of the co-pilot for the landing. Her reply was "Just be thankful you're alive, with this pair up front!" I asked if she'd flown with them before and she just indicated: :rolleyes: :yuk:

16 blades
23rd May 2005, 22:41
And there's the classic Tristar captain, on return from MPA:

"Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to Brize Norton and blighty - and for all you WRAFs on board, you're now officially ugly again!"

Stn Cdr: "Have an E-Cat"

16B

ImageGear
24th May 2005, 07:30
After a smooth approach to Boston on a Gin clear night, a massive "Gong" as we flew through the numbers and the U/C bottomed out, forest of rubber, Panels, luggage, wiring and black smokey looking dust everywhere.

Cabin Crew "Ladies and gentlemen, we have now landed at Boston, blah, blah" - like it happens every day and then start trying to stuff everything back where it came from.

After several complaints of sore backs by pax, Mrs I and I, sitting over the main spar and I wondering whether to risk continuing on to Philly on what had to be a well stressed jet, we asked for an announcement from the cockpit.

Quote: "Ladies & Gentlemen, this is the Captain speaking - that was the type of landing that one might expect when flying on other airlines - There was no danger to the aircraft"

Question - How worried should I be if I hear the fuselage ring like Big Ben? :eek:

Should I have refused to fly on to Philly?

Imagegear.

PS Mods - Should this thread be R & N ?

EESDL
24th May 2005, 09:24
Flying over the Channel
Captain:
"Ladies and Gentlemen, if you look out the right hand side you will see where engineers made the historical breakthrough, joining France and England together via the Channel Tunnel."

Pax all strain to peer out of the window at the Channel!!!!

Captain comes on again a moment later:
"My apologies folks, it's just passing down the left hand side as I speak."

A few less Pax have 'woken up' but still the majority strain to peer out the left, with the odd "oooohh, yes" comment.

True story

Talking Radalt
24th May 2005, 16:38
6. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

In Baldrick-like tones....What was Ronald Reagan doing on the runway? :)

Orson
25th May 2005, 13:25
Your lifejacket has a light and a whistle, for attracting the attention of any passing sailors.

O

AirYard
25th May 2005, 13:45
Very Chatty Captain on final approach, coming into Dom republic from AMS.

"Ladies and gentlemen, as you are aware, if your life is in danger on board an aircraft, there are many things that can save you......................................................... .....first of all are the safety belts, emergency exits and most importantly, if you want to go for a jump, Life vest.

Now a life vest is very similar to something, most of you will require once in this lovely country, I am talking of course about, "your other" mini life vest, (available in many colours, sizes and flavours), I recommend strawberry myself, or the head stewardess tells me. However please bear in mind, that if you will, and your about to, remember my little blethering, and put on your mini life vest, could also save your life!"





Everyone on the plane didn't know what to make of it, but I was wetting myself!..

The SSK
25th May 2005, 14:29
At the beginning of the flight:
'Cabin Crew, doors to automatic. Put the cat out'
'Doors automatic, cat out'

At the end of the flight:
'Cabin Crew, doors to manual'
'Doors manual. Cat says can he come back in?'

SmilingKnifed
25th May 2005, 14:47
EasyJet into Aberdeen. Steward handing out sickbad to unwell woman,

'Here you go love, the only thing you get free with this airline.'

Lon More
25th May 2005, 17:11
PA in the States aafter landing, "Please remember, no-one loves you and your money more than PSA."

vortexcabdriver
25th May 2005, 19:19
Many moons ago when the RNZAF still had some almost fast jets I had the pleasure to visit the home of the Kiwi. Upon docking at the jetway in AKL the air hostess (yes that long ago) announced that all pax must stay seated whilst customs and agriculture spray the plane with disinfectant. When the customs peeps charged through spraying some sort of anti bug killing spray a wee old lass in front of me asked a passing hostess what that was all for. She bless her loud as can be said " tis ok their only killing off any aussies on board"
I cried I really did ......

nosefirsteverytime
25th May 2005, 19:35
Close freind, same flight.

On a Ry-unfair (bleugh) flight, plane makes approach to land. Suddenly just before the threshold initiates a go-around. Freind yells out "Whoops! Wrong airport!". Plane in hysterics.

Goes around and approaches again. This time she gets to gorund, but a massive bump! Freind pipes up once more "We'd like to congratulate our pilot on his first landing...." and some more. Plane loved it.

poorwanderingwun
25th May 2005, 20:56
This was back in the 50's when Quantas were still operating the 'Super Constellations'.......

A/c lands after a particularly long leg from far-east.... pilot makes the usual banal announcements following the landing but forgets to reset the PA switch before turning to rest of flight crew and saying:
"Christ...glad that ones over...what I need now is a red hot sheila and an ice cold beer"
Hostie runs forward toward flight deck to warn the pilots that the PA is on and a pax stands up and shouts " HEY SHEILA...YOU'VE FORGOTTON HIS BEER.. "

sixmilehighclub
25th May 2005, 21:08
Recently after a very heavy landing (crash, bounce then thud and screech), I came onto the PA with "when you leave us, please ensure you have all of your belongings, and limbs with you".

Also many years ago on a very full flight, with colleagues standing in the cabin waiting to demonstrate, I was reading a saftey PA which I should have read: Smoking is not allowed anywhere in this aircraft including the toilets. These are fitted with smoke alarms, intefering with these alarms is dangerous and could lead to prosecution, the safety card in your seat pocket....
Which I actually read: intefering with these alarms is dangerous and could lead to prostitution...
I paused. I convinced myself no-one had heard, and then I looked up at 150 faces grinning at me, laughing, my colleagues hiding behind their safety cards, desperately trying to keep a straight face. I struggled to keep it together, only to get to the in-flight service to be asked for a baileys and blow-job, various cocktails such as a slow comfortable screw and sex on the beach, and then one guy handed me a 500 travel monopoly note and winked.

senga
25th May 2005, 23:16
After a particularly stunning attempt at the 'how many bounces can you get in one landing?'world record on a small airfield in Nigeria, the captain announces:

'Ladies and Gentlemen, we'd like to apologise for the rough landing today, i know it was not one of our best... but JEEEEEZ you should have seen us yeterday.......'

Lon More
26th May 2005, 01:10
Slightly off thread, but at an airport somewhere in India, back in the 1980s, just after a pilot advised his intention to file an Airprox, very Indian voice from TWR on R/T, "Oh dear, not another day like yesterday."

Rollingthunder
26th May 2005, 01:27
Sorry, this all sounds like a broken record.

I must be getting old, or a superior memory.

reynoldsno1
26th May 2005, 01:31
From a Braniff flight when they were still doing trooping to Vietnam:

"Gentlemen, this is the captain speaking. We will shortly be making our final approach to Tan Son Nhut Air Base . The weather is currently overcast, with a light wind from the northeast and a temperature of 92 degrees. Ground fire is light to moderate :uhoh:. Thank you for flying with Braniff".

ukpilotinca
26th May 2005, 19:23
On a BA flight from Glasgow to LHR some years ago, the captain introduced himself to us:

"Ladies and Gentlemen, Captain whatever here. Just thought you should know that this is my very first flight. <pause> In this type of plane <pause> Today"

And then later whilst holding over the M25:

"As I warned we're now holding before our descent into LHR. Beneath you can see the great London Orbital motorway. Those of you on the left side please lookout for junction <n> as we need that exit".

ExSimGuy
26th May 2005, 19:46
My frequent comment on disembarking is to ask the FA at the door "Which of those landings count as the arrival time" (oaky - a wise guy!)

But a month or so ago, the FA was giving the "welcome aboard" announcement . . . .

"Ladies and Gentlemen, Gulf Air would like to welcome you on board our flight number . . . . "(hush)

And, being the sort of observant guy that I am (and having a boarding pass with me) I piped up "GF510"

and she continued: "to . . ." (another hush) to my reply "Doha"

Poor kid must have been just a tad embarassed:eek:

On leaving the aircraft, my comment this time "Thank goodness the Captain knew where we were going"