View Full Version : Anti-Man U Jokes

21st May 2005, 22:55
A van driver used to amuse himself by running over every Manchester United fan he would see strutting down the side of the road in their ubiquitous red colours. He would swerve to hit them and there would be a loud "THUMP" and then he would swerve back on the road.

One day, as the driver was driving along, he saw a priest hitchhiking.

He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the van over. He asked the Priest "where are you going, Father?",

"I'm going to say mass at St. Joseph's church, about 2 miles down the road" replied the priest.

"No problem Father! I'll give you a lift"! climb in!"

The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the van continued down the road.

Suddenly the driver saw a Manchester United fan walking down the road and instinctively swerved to hit him. But, just in time, he remembered the bloody priest, so at the last minute he swerved back to the road, narrowly missing him.

However even though he was certain he missed the glory-hunting git, he still heard a loud "THUD."

Not understanding where the noise came from, he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn't see anything he turned to the priest and said

"I'm sorry Father, I almost hit that Manchester United fan,

"That's okay" replied the priest. "I got the ****er with the door!"

Q: Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?
A: They had pictures of Manchester United Players on them ... and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

Q: What do you call 20 Manchester United Fans skydiving from an aeroplane?
A: Diahorrea

Q: What do you call a Man Utd season ticket holder?
A: Scenery...

Q: What do Manchester United Fans and sperm have in common?
A: One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.

Q: What's the difference between listening to Alex Ferguson's after-match interview and childbirth?
A: One's an extremely painful almost unbearable experience, and the other one's just having a baby.

Q: What have Man Utd and a 3-pin plug got in common?
A: They're both bugger-all use in Europe.

21st May 2005, 23:10

Did you hear about the billionaire that took a short-term loan to buy Manchester United?

He bought them; then used their assets to guarantee the purchase.........


Why have the FA said nowt?
Why have the FSA said nowt?

Not an MU Fan but the financial bulls**t surrounding this is the biggest joke of all


21st May 2005, 23:16
Unfortunately if you turn yourselves into a soulless merchandising operation, expect to be bought by a soulless merchandiser.

21st May 2005, 23:20

a good point, and well made.... but one which does not explain the apparant legality of the financial manipulations that have been seen after the ownership changed hands

Something for nothing springs to mind


Solid Rust Twotter
22nd May 2005, 11:51
Sort of like banks lending money they don't have. It's all just numbers in computers anyway......:rolleyes:

22nd May 2005, 15:36
Mocoman, I agree. My worry is that the Glazer move is going to set a precedent.

22nd May 2005, 15:39
From a butcher to a glazer in two generations.

Just a matter of business then.

22nd May 2005, 16:02

Hur Hur Hur

22nd May 2005, 19:01
I pray for the day that a big monday businessman comes in and saves Celtic FC from this Plc crap. Good luck Manchester united. I bet (not literally) those debts are gone in 2 years............then who'll be laughing.

Dermott Desmond (the main shareholder) at Celtic, also had shares in Man U, is extremely good friends with the Man U boys, so why can't he have a word in their ear about investing?.............because they won't get a return for their money. Here's hoping Glazer puts pressure on the introduction of the Old Firm to the English League set up.

Do I need a bigger spoon? :E

23rd May 2005, 11:50
But you're a Celtic fan... Ergo you're up the red arse anyway.

Nice to see United suffer by the same principles that has got them here in the first place!

If they get short of money they'll have another air disaster! they still make a fortune out of the last one!:yuk:

23rd May 2005, 12:28
And may all those you love and hold dear die painfully many miles from home too MikeJeff

Scouser or bitter blue by the way?

Windy Militant
23rd May 2005, 12:32
Doing the text rounds last week

A number of windows were broken at Old Trafford by irate fans last week.
A spokesman for they club said that they weren't worried as the Glaziers would soon be arriving! ;)

Cane, Gloves and Hat. Jeeves the door my good man.

23rd May 2005, 12:36
So your saying that the club hasn't made a bean out of the disaster while completely ignoring the families involved until FORTY years later!

23rd May 2005, 14:20
Not at all, just registering my distaste

23rd May 2005, 15:09
If you're a Man Utd fan then I can agree.. you have no taste. I suggest you read the bit about not coming here if you're faint hearted.. and then sling you hook!

24th May 2005, 13:26
Not a ManU fan, not even a football fan but do have a number of friends who are season ticket holders. (guilty by association?:p)

I admit I don't fully understand what you mean by making money from the disaster, do you mean 'Busby Babe' merchandise?

Your suggestion is that anyone and anything is fair game in here. I say it is a place to exchange opinions. I gave my opinion on your opinion therefore as we both don't like each other's opinions, we should both leave.

Either way, i'm guilty of thread creep so I will see you on the Capitalism is murder thread

25th May 2005, 19:34
Apparantly Man U have opened a hotline for fans who cannot cope with not having won anything this season.

The number is 0845 101010

Overseas users pay premium rates.

The number again ?

0845 won nothing, won nothing, won nothing

air pig
25th May 2005, 22:48
I can only 3 things, Leeds United, bankrupcy and a fire sale of players to service the debts.

26th May 2005, 08:39
Osama Bin Laden's been caught hiding in the Man Utd 2004/5 trophy room. When questioned as to why he chose the place to hide he said it reminded him of the Tora Bora cave complex in Afghanistan where he'd been hiding before...

...because it's cold,dark,empty and recently taken over by Yanks!!



26th May 2005, 11:14
Pontius! that's very, very naughty of you! Badboy:ouch:

26th May 2005, 11:56
Bite me!


26th May 2005, 12:09
Well if you insist Pontius :}

unless you're a blue in which case NO :p

30th May 2005, 06:36
No Lexxie...

...I'm definately white with a couple of 'vein like' blue lines and we are going to 'Hammer the Hammers' this afternoon....

.....C'MON YOU WHITES!!!!!!!..................


30th May 2005, 06:56
Enjoy the ride, its downhill all the way with a drop at the end..... :E

SIR ALEX FERGUSON'S plans to challenge Premiership champions Chelsea could be hampered by financial restrictions at Old Trafford in the wake of the Malcolm Glazer takeover.

Major sponsors Nike have already warned Manchester United a continued lack of success could cost them dear while there are reports a limit of 25m has been put on Ferguson's annual transfer budget......

Sportswear manufacturers Nike began a 13-year kit deal with the Red Devils in August 2002 worth up to 303m, but it is reported a get-out clause will allow the company to decide in July next year whether to continue that agreement past the 2007-08 season. And vice-president of sports marketing Ian Todd has admitted they will be monitoring United's progress following their failure to win a trophy last season.

Todd told The Sunday Telegraph, "We don't know what is going to happen next year. All options are open. Chelsea won the league this year, Arsenal won the FA Cup and Liverpool won the Champions League. So you could argue that Manchester United is only the fourth-best club in England at the moment. If, for example, Manchester United failed to qualify for the Champions League next season, that might be a problem. We will look very carefully at this situation, as we do with all our sponsorship agreements."

The Independent on Sunday also claims to have seen documents outlining the restrictions which will be placed on Ferguson's spending on players. It is suggested there is a schedule in place which states net expenditure on players cannot exceed 26m per annum in the next two seasons, with the limit dropping to 25m in subsequent years to 2014......

30th May 2005, 09:53
Is there a punch line? :confused: