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Astrodome
19th May 2005, 21:56
A couple had been happily married for years.

The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.

Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick.

He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural.

She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.

The years went by and he continued to rip them out!

Then one morning as she was preparing a chicken for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts.

Suddenly a malicious thought came to her.

She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting, which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face.

She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter.

He said, "Honey, you were right." "All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you."

"What do you mean?" asked his wife.

"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in."

pigboat
19th May 2005, 23:54
A husband and wife and their nine children were waiting at a bus stop, when they were joined by a blind man with his white cane. When the bus finally arrives, it is overloaded and there is only room for the wife and the nine kids to board. The husband and the blind man decide to walk.

After awhile the husband becomes annoyed at the ticking of the blind man's cane as he taps it on the sidewalk in front of him, and remarks "Why don't you put a piece of rubber on the end of your stick? That tapping is driving me crazy!"

The blind man replies "If you had put a rubber on the end of your stick we'd be riding the bus, so shut the :mad: up!"

Noah Zark.
20th May 2005, 00:02
A man goes to his doctor, suffering from a bad case of constipation. The doctor gave the guy a course of suppositories, but being slightly thick, the guy misunderstood the instructions for their use, and ended up taking three a day, with water.
A week later, he returned to the doctor and said " For what use those big pills were, Doc, you might as well shove them up your ar$e!" :}

Mirkin About
20th May 2005, 03:40
Two travellers arrive in the outback town of Mercy , making their way to the only shop they discover he only beverage available is Koala Tea , tentatively they order one each , the shop assistant retreats to the back room where his actions are visible through the open door . He reaches into a cage and removes two Koalas , who understandably put up quite a fight , eventually they are subdued with a large potato masher and beaten into a bloody pulp , hot water is added and the resulting mess served to our erstwhile travellers.

After regarding their beverages for a few moments , a traveller approaches the shop assitant and asks if the drink could perhaps be run through a sieve to remove , the fur and teeth and assorted bits.


"Oh no" says the assistant.































"The Koala tea of Mercy is not strained"

Wingswinger
20th May 2005, 06:51
Here's your coat. Did you have a hat? Galoshes? Umbrella? The next bus is in two hours. Let me get a taxi for you.

airhead10
20th May 2005, 08:36
Remember the book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus"? Well, here's a prime example offered by an English professor at an American university.

"Today we will experiment with a new form of composition called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. One of you will then write the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth. Remember to reread what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO talking and anything you wish to say must be written on the paper. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached."

The following was actually turned in by two of my English students: Rebecca -last name deleted, and Gary - last name deleted.

STORY:

(first paragraph by Rebecca)
At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The camomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked camomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So camomile was out of the question.

(second paragraph by Gary)
Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off, a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.

(Rebecca)
He bumped his head and died almost immediately but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.

(Gary)
Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through the congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty, the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret Mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid, Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow 'em out of the sky!"

(Rebecca)
This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic semi-literate adolescent.

(Gary)
Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. "Oh shall I have camomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of F***ING TEA??? Oh no, I'm an air headed bimbo who reads too many Danielle Steele novels."

(Rebecca)
Asshole.

(Gary)
Bitch.

(Rebecca)
******.

(Gary)
Slut.

(Rebecca)
Get f****d.

(Gary)
Eat s**t.

(Rebecca)
F*** YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL!!!

(Gary)
Go drink some tea - whore.

(Teacher)
A+ - I really liked this one.

Minty Fresh
20th May 2005, 08:46
A woman was very distraught over the fact that she had not had a date or any sex for over 5 years. She was afraid she might have something
wrong with her, so she decided to seek medical expertise with the well known Chinese sex therapist, Dr Chang.

Upon entering the examination room, Dr Chang said "OK, take off all your crose."

The woman did as she was told.

"Now get down and craw reery, reery fass to odderside of room."

Again the woman did as she was instructed.

Dr Chang then said "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me."

As she did Dr Chang shook his head slowly.

"Your probrem vewy bad. You have Ed Zachary disease. Wurse case I ever
see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates."

The woman asked anxiously

"Oh my God, Dr Chang what is Ed Zachary disease?"

Dr Chang sighed deeply and replied

"Ed Zachary disease is when your face look Ed Zachary like your arse".

ronnie3585
20th May 2005, 14:41
What kind of a key opens any door?


A pikie!

OpenCirrus619
20th May 2005, 15:04
What's brown and sticky?



















A stick :\

Ozzy
20th May 2005, 16:16
What do you call a Scotsman standing at his front door with one foot inside the house and the other outside the house?























Hame-ish

Sailor Vee
20th May 2005, 16:21
Then there were the 2 Jokistani gays - Ben Doon and Phil McAvity!

and the 2 Irish, Patrick Fitzhenry and Henry Fitzpatrick.:ouch:

M.Mouse
20th May 2005, 21:39
In an attempt to raise the quality of the unusually abysmal offerings this week:


A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose and still heavily sedated from a 4-hour operation. A young nurse appears to sponge his hands and feet.

"Nurse", he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I'm only here to wash your hands and feet."

He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, are my testicles black?".

Finally, she pulls back the covers, raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand, and his testicles in her other hand and takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them!"

The man slowly removes his oxygen mask and says very slowly, "That was very nice but listen very, very closely

are...my...test...results...back?"

Nopax,thanx
20th May 2005, 21:47
A farmer has a daughter who is his pride and joy. He decides that come what may, she will get to go to University and have all the things he never did.

So for years he saves all he can, sending her to a good school, getting private tutoring and buying all of the best educational books he can find.

She does well at school, and eventually wins a place at a prestige university.

After her first term, she comes back to the farm to visit.

"So, how's University life?" asks Dad, proud as anything.

"Well," she answers," I've got a confession to make - I ain't a virgin no more."

At this, the old farmer completely freaks out. He jumps to his feet, stamps all around the kitchen;

"Do you realise the sacrifices I've made?!? All those years, putting luxuries aside to save enough money for you to get a decent education?!?"







"and you still say "Ain't"!!!"

Onan the Clumsy
20th May 2005, 21:48
How do you tell if you girlfriend's ticklish?





You give her a couple of test tickles.

tart1
20th May 2005, 22:35
A man replies to an advert in the paper: "Wanted - pubic hair trimmer."

He calls the number and asks what the job involves and he is told that you have to trim the protruding pubic hair of supermodels, when modelling swimwear and underwear, based all over the world.

The man says, "Yes I can do that!"

He is then asked if he has a girlfriend who might get jealous and he replies that he is single. He is then asked if he is prepared to travel all over the world for months at a time and stay in nice hotels and he says that he can do that.

The guy on the other end of the phone then says "Can you come to London next week to the Hilton Hotel for the interview?" He says,"Yes I can do that."

The man then says, "Then give me your address so we can send you your ticket to Edinburgh."

"Why do I have to go to Edinburgh?"

"Because that is where the end of the queue is." :E :E