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Whirlygig
18th May 2005, 21:38
I am going on a company management day tomorrow where we have to sit round and discuss what we believe our company values to be.

So far, most of the team have come up with

Communication
Transparency
Technology
etc

I think these are pretty dull and wondered if anyone has any other suggestions.

My contribution so far has been (and we are a training company)

...we are thirsty learning sponges"

So please guys, can I have your suggestions for really corny management expressions. As I can't take any of this stuff seriously and am leaving in a month's time, the cheesier, the better!

Cheers

Whirls

Grainger
18th May 2005, 21:41
Went to a trade show a couple of years ago where one company had come up with the slogan "Best Practice Integration" :confused:

Interestingly enough, when challenged, no-one was able satisfactorily to explain what it actually meant.

The other good one is Methodology. Loads of people say it, none of 'em knows what it means.

Even after a visit to www.methodology.org (http://www.methodology.org), I was left none the wiser.

So you could have loads of fun coming up with suitable explanations of typical management speak.

topcat450
18th May 2005, 21:42
...to be a catalyst to vivid organic growth

to improve the knowledge of others by highlighting thier distinct lack of knowledge :p

Rugz
18th May 2005, 21:48
How about my companies ones:

Integrity
Openness
Trust and Mutual Respect
Courage
Social Responsibilty

:ok:

Grainger
18th May 2005, 21:51
In software, we also have "Validation" which apparently is supposed to refer to testing of some sort.

Now, I can test the software, and I can check that it works properly, but "validation" means "to render valid" which might be OK if you were getting a renewal datestamp on your medical certificate or something, but it's difficult to see how it applies to a computer program.

So WG - why not put them all together and suggest that your team spend the day thinking of ways to Validate the Methodology of your Best Practice Integration

Instant promotion guaranteed !

ShyTorque
18th May 2005, 22:04
Our company maxim to its employees is: STUFF YOU LOT!

Pilgrim101
18th May 2005, 22:04
Whirly

I just hate all these buzz words and high falutin' jargon as an excuse for not getting the job done. It's about time we all got back to basics :p ;)

I notice you didn't mention hunter / gatherers ? I'm a hunter meself !:}

Whirlygig
18th May 2005, 22:12
TC450 - like your first one very much; your second, whilst it may be true, probably wouldn't go down too well.

Rugz - yeah - they're the sort of buzzwords that we have already. My issue with this sort of values thing (and don't even start me on mission statements) is that is should all be common sense derived from courtesy.

Grainger, whilst I like your methodolgy in stringing random words together to derive something completely meaningless, it's not really a value but perhaps more a mechanism for putting the values into place.

Shy, perhaps I ought to come along to your illustrious employer and introduce some management speak - I'm sure you'd all feel better for knowing that your boss cared enough about you to get in a consultant to come up with this bilge.

Cheers

Whirls

ShyTorque
18th May 2005, 22:17
They keep sacking consultants - they haven't found one that has said they're right, yet! :ok:

separator
19th May 2005, 03:53
Try "Synergising the low-hanging fruit", or "Optimized local executive solution".

sep

SmilingKnifed
19th May 2005, 04:31
Synergy has to feature somewhere!

Solid Rust Twotter
19th May 2005, 06:21
Treat people like people. Don't confuse the issue with jargon or we'll set fire to your Porsche.


Edited to add that this is the mission statement of the poor buggers who have to decipher the crap that companies spout.

Gouabafla
19th May 2005, 07:30
A computer on every desktop, each one running Microsoft software.

Might have got the quote wrong, but Microsoft's mission statement is something like this. Whatever you think about the company, their vision is clear, easy to understand, and they've come darn close to making it work.

TimS
19th May 2005, 07:46
errrrr ............. Proftable ??

angels
19th May 2005, 07:51
One from my company.

'We must avoid silo mentality.'

:confused:

under_exposed
19th May 2005, 07:51
I think we need to hit the ground running, keep our eye on the ball, and make sure that we are singing off the same hymn sheet. At the end of the day it is not a level playing field and the goal posts may move; if they do, someone else may have to pick the ball up and run with it. We therefore must have a golf bag of options hot-to-trot from the word 'go'. It is your train set but we cannot afford to leave it on the back burner; we've got a lot of irons in the fire, right now. We will need to unstick a few potential poo traps but it all depends on the flash-to-bang time and fudge factor allowed. Things may end up slipping to the left and, if they do, we will need to run a tight ship. I don't want to re-invent the wheel but we must get right down in the weeds on this one. If push comes to shove, we may have to up stumps and then we'll be in a whole new ball game. I suggest we test the water with a few warmers in the bank. If AFHQ can produce the goods then we are cooking with gas. If not, then we are in a world of hurt. I don't want to die in a ditch over it but we could easily end up in a flat spin if people start getting twitchy. To that end, I want to get round the bazaars and make sure the movers and shakers are on side from day one. If you can hit me with your shopping list I can take it to the head honchos and start the ball rolling. If it goes pear-shaped, it is no good throwing our toys out of the pram or our teddy in the corner. Instead we may have to fine-tune it in order to do a re-gain. We'll be hung out to dry if it becomes a showstopper. There is light at the end of the tunnel and I think we have backed a winner here. If it all gets blown out of the water. however, I will be throwing a track. So get your feet in to my in-tray and give me chapter and verse as to how you see things panning out. As long as our ducks are in a row, I think the ball will stay in play and we can come up smelling of roses. Before you bomb burst and throw smoke, it is imperative, that we play with a straight bat this time around. We need to nail our colours very firmly to the mast and look at the big picture. We've got to march to the beat of the drum. We are on a sticky wicket. I've been on permanent send for long enough and I've had my two cents worth. I don't want to rock the boat or teach anyone to suck eggs. We must keep this very firmly in our sight picture or it could fall between the cracks. I don't want to be seen to be re-arranging the deck chairs on the Titanic but if the cap fits, wear it. At the end of the day, it's like a big game of Space Invaders; the aliens are getting closer and if we don't zap them it'll be game over for the lot of us. There are a number of wolves close to the sledge, and alligators close to the canoe, which need to be shot. As you are aware, it's a bit like punching a cloud round here. The heads of shed often play fast and loose, so it's stand by to repel boarders, I'm afraid. Right! Unless anyone wants to flag-up any bullet points I'll be in my office. My door is always open and I'm as flexible as a palm tree in a hurricane. The ball is in your court; don't let the wheel come off. If it unravels, your arse is grass and I'm a lawn-mower

Capt.KAOS
19th May 2005, 08:22
Dunno which kinda company it concerns, but for me following issues are very important:

Quality
Service
Customer Awareness
Human Resources
Market Trends

Taildragger55
19th May 2005, 08:40
Used work for a large Aussie Insurance company. Was asked for suggestions for a Mission Statement for the Accounting Department. The one I came up with was not appreciated;

"We know where the money went"



Seriously, any set of values which is not a restatement of

"Giving the customers what they want, when they want it, at a profit"

is a waste of time.

pvmw
19th May 2005, 11:04
Grainger said..........

In software, we also have "Validation" which apparently is supposed to refer to testing of some sort.

Now, I can test the software, and I can check that it works properly, but "validation" means "to render valid" which might be OK if you were getting a renewal datestamp on your medical certificate or something, but it's difficult to see how it applies to a computer program.


Hm! Validation and Verification - two different things.

In a nutshell;

Validation - am I making the right thing
Verification - am I making the thing right.

No good writing and testing a superb program to count chickens if the customer actually wanted a programme to weigh eggs.

Heatseeker
19th May 2005, 11:17
Whirls.

Throw in

"sustainable future"
"level playing field"

God knows, our chief pointy head uses these all the time.

As for Synergy. I always thought that was a word that management used when they wanted to sell you a used car.

H

PPRuNe Radar
19th May 2005, 11:58
Forget all those Motivation posters that companies seem to like so much (you know ... nice moody scenic photograph with some buzzword phrase underneath it about Teamwork or something).

Go for realistic ones ;)

Demotivators (http://www.despair.com/indem.html)

Then select 'Individual Designs'.

Here's one for Oxford ATPL students for example :p

http://us.st5.yimg.com/store1.yimg.com/I/demotivators_1843_14133344

Taildragger55
19th May 2005, 12:07
Oy!


I resent them showing skydiving under "idiocy".

As if golf made sense?

I always thought Marvin the Robot would make a great Demotivational speaker, though.

Solid Rust Twotter
19th May 2005, 12:25
"Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups." PMSL!:ok:











...And the bait's in the water. A ripple forms slowly and a lazy eye opens.....

paulc
19th May 2005, 12:32
Key performance indicators, benchmarking, best value are 3 common ones used here.

chopperchav
19th May 2005, 13:46
I would recommend watching the complete series of 'the office' with a pen and paper and learn from the brentmeister.

Grainger
19th May 2005, 13:50
So you check that it meets the specification, pvmw.

No need for buzzwords: let's just use a simple word that everyone understands . . . or maybe that's the point ?

Solid Rust Twotter
19th May 2005, 13:56
Grainger

You're not kewl if people understand what you're wibbling on about.:rolleyes:

Corporate organic fertiliser...:yuk: :yuk:

ExSimGuy
19th May 2005, 16:40
"Focussed"

That's my bosses favorite one.

How the [email protected] can you be focussed when the bloody alligators have taken over the swamp and are trying to bite your @ss :mad:

X-QUORK
19th May 2005, 16:43
The main thing is, be passionate about your solution and offer it out to all the key stakeholders otherwise you will, in effect, limit their ability to blue sky the vision with full clarity. Know what I mean?

Grainger
19th May 2005, 17:12
"Key" :yuk:

Anyone who uses nouns as adjectives or as verbs should be fed to the alligators . . . preferably feet first.

Send Clowns
19th May 2005, 17:29
Making a big wodge of filthy lucre!

1DC
19th May 2005, 21:00
This is no good to you this time Whirls cos you have already been,but, if you go on another one and it gets a bit boring this isn't a bad story to liven things up a bit.
I went on a Principle Centred Leadership course run by Stephen Covey a long time ago, it was fashionable at the time (lots of things like paradigm shifts and emotional bank accounts). The memory for me is that it was two five day sessions at Gleneagles. The lecturers were from Salt Lake City, I suspect they were preachers in their spare time. During the session on paradigms, one of the group puts his hand up and says he has a problem. The preacher/lecturer immediately says "Shape up guys we have got to help Sam with his problem" Sam says he would like to highlight his problem as a story. "Wow", replies P/L
Sam says.
"Ma and Pa were hillbillies living in the woods but daughter went to college and met a boy from the city and they got married. Ma was a bit worried and Pa eventually suggested she go to the city to see if daughter was coping with the city. Ma came back and said that the city was amazing, they didn't go down the garden to the john but had one inside. Pa reckoned he could build a john inside the house and did. Later daughter had her first child and Ma went to make sure everything was ok, this coincided with summer. Ma came back and told Pa that city folk were very clever they had a deck to eat on when it was hot. Pa reckoned it was the easiest thing to build a deck, with all the wood around an'all, so he built a very impressive deck.
Ma had a nervous breakdown.
P/L was impressed and said "Why"
"Well", said Sam. " She used to sh*t outside and eat inside, and now she sh*ts inside and eats outside, and she can't cope with the paradigm shift.

We are all convulsed with laughter, when P/L compounds it all by saying " Aw come on guys, Sam needs help here!"
Afraid that was the end of the session.

Astrodome
20th May 2005, 19:55
"Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups." Ah you must be referring to that mystical 22%.

:E :ok:

airship
20th May 2005, 21:22
Company values...

Don't forget that:

Past performance is not necessarily a guide to future performance.
Stockmarkets and currency movements may cause the value of investments and the income from them to fall as well as rise and investors may not get back the amount they originally invested.

Uhmmm, let's put all that stuff in fine print OK?!

arcniz
20th May 2005, 21:40
Learn, earn, spurn, burn.

Caslance
20th May 2005, 21:47
Perhaps this (http://www.dilbert.com/comics/dilbert/games/career/bin/ms_adj.cgi) may be of some small assistance.