View Full Version : The Official Friday Joke

12th May 2005, 22:39
One day Tony Bliar was out jogging and accidentally fell from into a very cold river.

Three boys, playing along the river, saw the accident. Without a second thought, they jumped in the water and dragged the wet Prime Minister out of the river.

After cleaning up he said, "Boys, you saved the Prime Minister of Britain today. You deserve a reward. You name it, I'll give it to you."

The first boy said, "Please, I'd like a ticket to Disneyland!"

"I'll personally hand it to you," said Bliar.

"I'd like a pair of Nike Air Turbos," the second boy said.

"I'll buy them myself and give them to you," said the grateful Bliar.

"And I'd like a wheelchair with a stereo in it," said the third boy.

"I'll personally ... wait a second, son, you're not handicapped!"

"No -- but I will be when my dad finds out I saved you from drowning."

12th May 2005, 23:23
It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that, in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bad day when you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the next day.

The next day at 12:01, the first person came to the gates of Heaven.

The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly said to the man, "Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when you died."

"No problem," the man said. "I came home to my 25th floor apartment on my lunch hour and caught my wife half-naked. She appeared to be having an affair, but her lover was nowhere in sight. I immediately began searching for him. My wife was yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips - the nerve of that guy! Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But wouldn't you know, he landed in some trees and bushes that broke his fall and he didn't die. This pissed me off even more. In a rage, I went back inside to get the first thing I could get my hands on to throw at him.

Oddly enough, the first thing I thought of was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony, and tipped it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him! The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly."

The Angel sat back and thought a moment. Technically, the guy did have a bad day. It was a crime of passion. So, the Angel announced, "OK, sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven." and let him in.

A few seconds later the next guy came up. The Angel said, "Before I can let you in, I need to hear about what your day was like when you died."

"No problem," said the second man. "But you're not going to believe this. I was on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises. Having been under a lot of pressure I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally fell over the side! Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony below mine. But all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment, started swearing, and stamps on my fingers. Well, of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom which broke my fall so I didn't die right away. As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move and in excruciating pain, I see this guy push his refrigerator, of all things, off the balcony. It falls the 25 floors and lands on top of me, killing me instantly."

The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his story. "I could get used to this new policy," he thinks to himself. "Very well," the Angel announces. "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven" and he lets the man enter.

A few seconds later, a third man comes up to the gate. The angel says, "Please tell me how you died."

The third man says "OK, picture this. I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator..."

13th May 2005, 00:23
A teacher trying to educate her students on etiquette posed this question one by one to her class.

"Michael if you were on a date, having dinner with a young lady and had to visit the bathroom, how would you tell her?"

"I'd say excuse me, I have to go take a piss," replied Michael.

The teacher was aghast! "That would be crude and impolite," she said. "John, what would you say in a similar circumstance?"

"I'd say excuse me my dear, I have to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back."

"That's better," replied the teacher, but it's still impolite to say the word bathroom while at the table. How about you, Peter. Are you able to show us your usual good manners?"

"I would say please excuse me my dear. I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, one to whom I hope to introduce you after dinner."

13th May 2005, 07:23
A Pakistani arrives in London all excited, he stops the first person
he meets. "Good day, Mr. Englishman, thank you to accept me in your nice country, and..."

"The person interrupts and says: "I am not English, I'm Chinese."

The Pakistani continues on his way and meets another passer-by. "Thank you Mr. Englishman for to let my family and me stay here..."

Again, he is interrupted before finishing his sentence. "I no be
English, I be Turk!"

The Pakistani continues on his way and meets another passer-by.
"Mr. Englishman, me thank you for hospitality you give..."

"But my friend, don't you see that I am black? I am African, not

He goes a little farther and meets another Englishman and greets him "Thank you for letting me come to your beautiful country."

"I'm not an Englishman, I'm a Mexican. "

"But," answers the Pakistani distressed, "where are the Englishmen??"

The Mexican looks at his watch and says, "Probably at work."

13th May 2005, 10:24
1.Start at London Heathrow Airport.
2.Catch flight from London Heathrow to Dallas Fort Worth Airport.
3.Hire car at Dallas Fort Worth Airport.
4.Start going toward the "Airport Exit" on "International Parkway South" - follow for 0.2 miles.
5.Bear left onto the highway toward "Terminal East Parking" - follow for 0.3 miles
6.Bear left onto "International Parkway North" toward "North Airport Exit" - follow for 2.9 miles
7.Take the "Highway 114 west" exit toward "Fort Worth" - follow for 29.2 miles
8.Then continue on "US 287 north" - follow for 91.1 miles
9."US 287 north" becomes "Interstate-44 east" - follow for 0.7 miles
10.Take left fork onto "US-287 north" toward "Vernon" - follow for 104.0 miles
11."US 287 north" becomes "Avenue F (US-287)" - follow for 2.8 miles
12.Continue to follow "US 287 north" - follow for 104.9 miles
13.Take left ramp onto "Interstate 40 west" toward "Dumas" - follow for 7.8 miles
14.Take "Exit 70" onto "US 60 east" toward "Dumas" - follow for 0.5miles
15.Take the "Buchanan Street" exit toward "Dumas/Pampa" - follow for 1.7 miles
16.Turn right onto "Old Route 66 (Interstate 40)" - follow for 0.1miles
17.Arrive at the centre of town.

Now that's the way to f*$%ing Amarillo!!!!!!!!

13th May 2005, 10:33
A man is driving on the motorway and gets nicked by a copper with a speed camera. The copper pulls him over and proceeds to ask him why he's driving so fast.

"Well," says the man, "I'm late for work."

"And what do you do?" asks' the copper.

"I'm a retcum stretcher," the man replies.

"And what does that entail?" asks' the bemused copper.

"Well I take one finger put it in, swivel it about a bit, then another finger, and do the same and before you know it I've got my whole arm in there and I can stretch it to six feet!"

The copper is amazed, "what do you do with a six foot arsehole?" He asks.

"Give it a speed camera and sit it behind a bridge!"

13th May 2005, 11:01
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man. The man then replies: "Yeah, well we were married for 35 years."


henry crun
13th May 2005, 11:13
Guy getting into the twilight years of his life, was a golf fanatic and worried about what the afterlife held.

He decides to consult a spirit medium and asks her the question, "will I be able to play golf in Heaven ?"

The medium says "Come back in a few days, I will have an answer for you".

When the guy returns the medium says "I have good news and bad news, which do you want first ?"
The guy asks for the good news and is told he will be able to play on a different course every day for eternity.

"Thank goodness for that" he says, "what is the bad news".
She replied "you are teeing off tomorrow morning".

Devlin Carnet
13th May 2005, 11:42
A man sits down in his usual seat at a football match, and notices three empty seats besides him.
He leans over to the man 4 seats down and asks,
"whats happened to the three people who usually sit here?"

The man replies, "well the one next to me is my wifes' but she died recently, and the other two belong to my brother and sister'"

The man inquires..
" so where are your brother and sister then?"

he replies, "oh they are at the funeral."

14th May 2005, 11:01
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting Flies" He responded.

"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

14th May 2005, 12:55
A young man from the deeps of LA (Lower Alabama) travelled to Atlanta to find his fortune.

He was hired by a Hampton Inn somewhere in the outskirts as the hotel janitor. The first day on the job, he was approached by the manager, who said, "We've got a mess for you. One of our guests was eating in the breakfast area when his diarrhea kicked in. I'm afraid he left a trail all the way to his room. And when you get to his room, be sure and tell him we're not mad at him, we know these things happen, and we hope he comes back to stay with us again."

The good ole' boy got a bucket and brush and proceeded to the dining area. He found the end of the trail, got on his knees and started scrubbing. He scrubbed all the way across the first floor, through the lobby, past the USA Today stack, into the elevator, up to the third floor, and down a long hall to the poor man's door.

He knocked on the door, and to the startled man's face said, "Meyster, we jus' want you to know, that we know these thangs happen, an' we ain't mad, an' we hope y'all will come back and stay wid us agin."

"Now, tha's mah manager tawkin. This here's ME tawkin'. Next time you get the back-door trots, STAND STILL!!!"

Rob Courtney
14th May 2005, 21:13
Two nuns driving along a road in Transalvania in the middle of the night when a very large vampire lands on the bonnett of the car and tries to get on.

One nun turns around to her friend and says "Quick show him your cross"

Quick as a flash the other nun winds down the window sticks her head through it and yells "OI GET OFF THE F:mad: G CAR YOU UGLY B:mad: D!!!!!