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pilotwolf
30th Apr 2005, 19:05
Hereís one for all you cat lovers....hopefully make those Ppruners who ve recently lost a feline smile.

EXCERPTS FROM A DOGíS DIARY

Day number 180
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVOURITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVOURITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVOURITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVOURITE!
1:00 pm OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVOURITE!
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVOURITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVOURITE!

Day number 181
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVOURITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVOURITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVOURITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVOURITE!
1:00 pm OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVOURITE!
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVOURITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVOURITE!

Day number 182
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVOURITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVOURITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVOURITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVOURITE!
1:00 pm OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVOURITE!
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVOURITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVOURITE!
Day number 183

8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVOURITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVOURITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVOURITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVOURITE!
1:00 pm OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVOURITE!
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVOURITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVOURITE!




EXCERPTS FROM A CATíS DIARY

DAY 752
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal and some slops from a tin. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may vandalise another table leg.

DAY 761
Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favourite chair... must try this on their bed.

DAY 765
Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan.

DAY 768
I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called ďshampoo.Ē What sick minds could invent such a liquid? My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.

DAY 771
There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odour of the glass tubes they call ďbeer.Ē More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of ďallergies.Ē Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

DAY 774
I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured but I can wait, it is only a matter of time....

Posted by a 'dog-type'!

PW

tart1
30th Apr 2005, 19:10
Dogs are so stupid.

Oh no I didn't really say that did I??

Sorry.......:ooh:




The worst place for a cat to vomit is in your toolbox.:yuk:

I just fed my cat with a piece of best sirloin steak - it was a left-over which won't get eaten tomorrow because I'm off on my travels again! :D

Whirlygig
30th Apr 2005, 19:18
Pilotwolf,

Thank you so so much for making me laugh - I needed that!

I grew up with dogs all my life (mainly beagles); that's why I've got cats now!

It's not that I dislike dogs as I love all animals (maybe with the exception of spiders, although I could never kill one - I can kills ants though!) but you post sums it up nicely... so true!

Cheers

Whirlygig

VP8
1st May 2005, 06:30
Always makes me laugh

(as posted by Slasher on 31 May 2000 09:12)
Extract from Porky's diary:
--------------------------
Dear Diary,
7am:
Iím awake and hungry. Me who was once a proud Cong cat reduced to beggar status under a Westerner. Miserable lowlife who owns me hasnít fed me since yesterday arvo, the bloody capitalist bastard.
8am:
His Bourjwah-ship awakes and decides to throw me last nights crappy noodles. He laces it with chook bones just to make sure I choke. I spit out the bones and search for his log book
9am:
I successfully chew up 3 pages of his book while heís in the shower. Heh heh heh! Hmmm...computer running. Sh!t if I could type Id tell everyone what an @rsehole he is.
10am:
Thrown out on my ear with his boot firmly up my butt. He sure doesnít like having his log book eaten!
11am:
The bugger goes of to work so its time to wander over farmer Nguyens place. I heard the sows are on heat!
12pm:
Man I love pigs!
1pm:
Lunchtime! The Trangs next door have a bunch of new born kittens! yum yum!
2pm:
"burp!" Siesta time.
3pm:
Wake up. Time to bully a few dogs.
4pm:
And another dog learns the hard way what it is to tangle with the Porker!
RIP.
5pm:
Iím horny again. back over to Nguyens!
6pm:
Sh1t huh the bastards home! So I crap on the hood of his Landrover.
7pm:
Iím hungry again! This time I hiss like hell and show this deadbeat I mean business! I pee on his nav bag and dare him to kick me!
7.01pm:
He kicks me.
7.15pm:
Heís made a peace offering in the form of bread with pork butts and gravy for dinner. My favorite! I canít decide if I should bonk the butts or just eat them.
8pm:
He sits down at the TV and scratches my ears to show heís not cranky. I donít like this.....
8.02pm:
I bloody knew it - he shoves me in the cage! Bastards taking me to the vet!
8.45pm:
Comrade vet shoves some horrible bloody things up my bum and I hiss and swear! A quick swipe of my claw draws blood from comrade nurses hand!
9:15pm:
Back home with a very very sore @rsehole.
10pm:
The stinking capitalist violently throws me out for the night. Well Iíve had enough of this sh!t!
"Hey @rsehole Iím a proud Nam cat! I deserve more bloody respect pal! My great-greats were kicking @rse all the way down the Trail in 75! Remember Nha Trang? Yeh bloody too right you do! You ponce in here and treat us Asian cats like you own the bloody place! Well it aint happening! You bloody hear me? Huh? Bloody hear me?
All the pr!ck can say is "You can mrow mrow mrow all you like but your staying OUT you little sh!t!"
10.30pm:
Iím still going like a steam train! "You bloody @rseholes invade the place and think you own us dont you! DONT YOU! Yeh well...."
10.31pm:
He saunters out and screams "what the f*ck is it going to take to shut you up?"
I yell "Nothing pal! Iím a proud Vietnamese cat! Long live the Cong, cat! Nothing will make me surrender my national pride! Youíll never own ME! Never!"
10.32pm:
He brings out another helping of pork butts and gravy. Ok so Iíve been bought off. I cant help it. Its a commie thing.
11pm:
Well a good day anyway. I got fed twice. I humped some new pigs. I killed a dog dead. I crapped on his car and ruined his log book!
Till tomorrow, nighty night diary.

Jerricho
2nd May 2005, 01:03
You can say the dumbest thing you can think of to a dog, and it will look at you with a look of "That's the smartest bloody thing I have ever heard!"

MisNomer
2nd May 2005, 10:08
Dear Dog and Cat:

When I say to move, it means to go someplace else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way.

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note that placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is therefore not a racetrack.
Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help either, as I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this.
Do not think I will resort to sleeping on the sofa to ensure your comfort. Look at videos of dogs and cats sleeping. They can actually curl up into a ball. It is not necessary to
sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible.
Please note that sticking tails and tongues out to maximize space used is nothing but sarcasm.

My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If, by some miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the knob, or to get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. When I exit this room, I will come out the same door I entered. In addition, I have been using bathrooms for years. Canine and/or feline attendance has never been necessary.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog's butt. I cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you.



In return for your following these simple rules, I have posted the following message on my front door:

Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About My Pets:

1. They live here. You don't.

2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.

3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.

4. To you, it's an animal. To me, s/he is an adopted child who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

5. Dogs and cats are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about buying the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and if they get pregnant, you can sell the results.

Crazypilot A
2nd May 2005, 10:17
I was in china and i saw the chinese eating cats...yumee :yuk:

pilotwolf
2nd May 2005, 10:39
Love it MisNomer!

Especially the last bit and number 5 in particular! :)

PW

Safeware
2nd May 2005, 10:50
If you are trying to put a shelf, a dog will look at you with an 'I don't know what you are doing, but I love you' look but a cat will look at you with the 'You're using the wrong size of wall plug.' look.

sw

SmilingKnifed
3rd May 2005, 15:31
http://www.mycathatesyou.com/cats/2005/05/6

Made me laugh!