View Full Version : Probably old but I liked it.

21st Apr 2005, 09:38
The time has finally come...
Men strike back! ! ! ! ! !

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
Why do women have smaller feet! than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me."
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.
I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
Women will never be equal to men until they can
walk down the street with a bald head and a beer
Gut, and still think they are sexy.
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

tall and tasty
21st Apr 2005, 09:53
Dare I say


TnT :p :D :p:ok:

21st Apr 2005, 11:24
Ditto, I also have to admit it's all true. :D

21st Apr 2005, 12:12
Dare I say



Yep you can 'cos your a woman - if us men start agreeing it would't be PC! ;)


21st Apr 2005, 13:58
Well to continue the thread,

Q. What do you tell a woman with 2 black eyes?
A. You obviously can't tell her anything, she has already been told twice.

Q. In all the Wedding pictures, why is the bride smiling?
A. Because she has given her last blow job
Q. Why is the Groom smiling?
A. He Doesn't know!


21st Apr 2005, 14:16
Why do women get married in white?
All domestic appliances come in white.

Onans Girlfriend
21st Apr 2005, 14:25
Am I the only one that takes exception to this...:(

What sort of comments would I get if I said all you men were To*sers..... (literally!)


Whose side are you on?:confused:

21st Apr 2005, 15:53
What sort of comments would I get if I said all you men were To*sers..... (literally!)

None that were postable! :)


Whose side are you on?

The side of humour?! ;)


Keep your wench under control please! Or at least shorten the chains so she can't reach the computer form the kitchen!!! :E


21st Apr 2005, 16:00
I knew teaching them to read was a bad idea..... :}

tall and tasty
21st Apr 2005, 17:16
Oh come on guys if you can't laugh at a good joke whats the use in them being written!

TnT :p

21st Apr 2005, 17:18
I'm with you, TnT - laughed out loud.

Fantasy always amuses .........:E

21st Apr 2005, 17:19
if I said all you men were To*sers

Or liars.

21st Apr 2005, 18:26
The weak always makes jokes about the strong. Slaves about masters, prisoners about warders.... :sad:

21st Apr 2005, 19:15
But many a true word is spoken in jest! :*

21st Apr 2005, 21:13
Digressing slightly [don't I always?].......Eons ago when I was in the RAF, my six foot mate said...
"Women should be barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen".......
Several years later, I went round to visit....His "little" five foot [Cypriot] wife was in the [newly tiled] kitchen, without shoes, [it was Summer"], and was eight months pregnant....:ok:
So I says to mate, "Hey xxx, remember what you once said?" He dragged me away with a "private joke" remark to her..... He was terrified.. 'cos she was a terror when roused...

22nd Apr 2005, 08:05
"Women should be barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen"....... ... or as an old Geordie mate (not Drapes) once put it:
Women should be well f****d and poorly shod ... teaching 'em to read was prolly all right, but the rot set in when they got the vote....;) ;) (smilies to denote irony for the humourously challenged)

Lon More
22nd Apr 2005, 10:17
A Septic of my aquaintance, returning stateside from TDY remarked, "I hope I don't find my wife like I left her."
Me, "?"
Him, "Fresh :mad:ed"

22nd Apr 2005, 13:50
Contrary to popular belief, some transatlantic cousins can do humour (even if they can't spell it) and irony.

Remember being at a Friday night happy hour with a USAF exchange pilot on our squadron. Refusing a further beer he said: "No thanks Teeters, my wife usually likes to have an orgasm about 8 o'clock on a Friday ....... and I'd kinda like to be there!":ok:

22nd Apr 2005, 14:09
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and
says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.
"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."
The redhead takes her finger, pushes on her left breast and
screams, then she pushes her elbow and screams in even more
agony. She pushes her knee and screams; likewise she pushes
her ankle and screams. Everywhere she touches makes her scream.
The doctor says, "You're not really a redhead, are you?
"Well, no" she says, "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor says. "Your finger is broken."


1 . Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella, unless at foorball, and your hotdog is getting wet, then for the eating period only it is permissible.

2 . It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:
a. When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
c. After wrecking your boss\' car.
d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
e. When she is using her teeth.

3 . Any Man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed and eaten by his mates.

4 . Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12


5 . If you\'ve known a bloke for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you

actually marry her.

6 . Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate\'s fridge is forbidden. However Complain

at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

7 . No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man.

In fact, even remembering your mate\'s birthday is strictly optional.

8 . On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

9 . When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the

game in progress, but you may never ask who\'s playing.

10. You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you

trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she\'s

officially your girlfriend.

11. It is permissible to quaff a fruity alcopop drink only when you\'re sunning on a tropical

beach... and it\'s delivered by a topless supermodel...and it\'s free.

12. Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another bloke in

the nuts.

13. Unless you\'re in prison, never fight naked.

14. Friends don\'t let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

15. If a man\'s fly is down, that\'s his problem, you didn\'t see anything.

16. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they

demonstrate knowledge of the game (can explain offside or LBW) and the ability to

drink as much as the other sports watchers.

17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to


18. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both that\'s

just greedy.

19. If you compliment a bloke on his six-pack, you\'d better be talking about his choice of beer.

20. Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a mate of yours, except if she\'s

withholding sex pending your response.

21. Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
a. Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b. C\'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c. Another set and we can hit the showers!

22. Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e. Both urinating, both

waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the

conversation you need.

23. Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to

have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.

24. The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal \'drunken

monkey sex\', the fact that you\'re feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to

nail each other again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was, occurs.

25. It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

26. Thou shalt not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.

27. The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved

me, you\'d know what I want!" gets a Play station II. End of story.

28. There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men\'s Gymnastics. Ever.

22nd Apr 2005, 15:09
just a quick addendum to the last point, but needs referencing from others. Is watching people ice skate whilst they a re playing hockey, namely playing ice hockey allowed??

22nd Apr 2005, 21:08
Words Women Use, once they are married.

This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

Five Minutes
If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour.
Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

This is the calm before the storm. This means "something" and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with "nothing" usually end in "fine".

Go Ahead
This is a dare, not permission, DON'T DO IT!

Loud Sigh
Although not actually a word, the loud sigh is often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".

That's Okay
This is one of the most dangerous statements that woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

This is the least used of all words in the female vocabulary. If a woman is thanking you, do not question it, just say you're welcome and back out of the room slowly.

Bird Doo
29th Apr 2005, 08:40
oops wrong forum