View Full Version : Gnome defence

15th Apr 2005, 11:28
LONDON, England (AP) -- A grandmother stopped an intruder from entering her home by lobbing a heavy garden gnome at him, police said Friday.

Jean Collop was woken early on Tuesday morning by the sound of an intruder on the roof of her home in Wadebridge, southwest England.

"I grabbed the first thing that came to hand -- one of my garden gnomes -- and hurled it at him, and hit him," she recalled.

"He lay there and I began to scream. I went back into the kitchen and found a rolling pin in case he came down. I didn't want to break another gnome." :ok:

A neighbor alerted police who arrived shortly afterward and arrested the intruder.....

15th Apr 2005, 11:37
Suprised they didn't arrest the Granny... Poor intruder probably got hurt.

tony draper
15th Apr 2005, 11:37
Frankly I am supprised that they did not arrest the Grandmother, take the intruder to hospital for treatment for his injuries and arrange councelling for the mental anguish no doubt suffered.
No doubt he will be approached by a member of the legal profession and persuaded to take legal action agin this homicidal granny.

15th Apr 2005, 11:38
;) :hmm:

15th Apr 2005, 11:57
An Englishwoman's gnome is her castle ;)

OK OK, coat, door .......

15th Apr 2005, 12:07
Sounds like a story that Lord Gnome will get hold of for "the Eye" to me!;)

15th Apr 2005, 12:23
"I grabbed the first thing that came to hand -- one of my garden gnomes

Either she was sleeping in the garden, or she goes to bed with a garden gnome:\
(come to think of it, maybe it was Robin Cook. Not much has been seen of him lately)

tall and tasty
15th Apr 2005, 12:27
But you know what is going to happen!!!!!

He will get a good laywer and his defence is that he came to correct a faulty aerial (on the wrong house "me lud!" I realised in error!) etc etc and that she laid into him by throwing the gnome at him.

She will get a custodial along side the gnome and the other garden friends will do a brave escapology like in Wallace and Gromits sketch with the sheep!!

He will walk away with a big fat compensation package!


( I know cynical but that is the way of the world now!) :(

15th Apr 2005, 12:28
....responsibility lays fully on the Gnome.

Grandma only let him show his aggressive attitude, but he harmed the intruder himself.

15th Apr 2005, 12:51
Was the gnome's gname Gnorman? :D

15th Apr 2005, 13:03
You know TnT, it really ISN'T the way of the world now. Do you know how many prosecutions have been brought in the last (I think I'm right on this) 20 years against people defending themselves against burglars? Eleven. It's just they attract a huge amount of publicity so there is a perception that it happens more often.

I can only think of two that succeeded - the Tony Martin case (shooting someone in the back when they're running away is not self-defence) and the one when the guy stabbed the burglar in the back SIXTEEN TIMES.

And, basically, unless it's an extreme case like that, an English jury is just not going to convict you - after all, who is their sympathy with - you or the burglar?

The chances of a jury convicting an old lady for lobbing a garden gnome at an intruder? Nil I would say.

(yes, and HOW did it come to be the first thing that came to hand? bizarre)

15th Apr 2005, 13:06
Grandpa's absolutely right! It's high time that the little people take responsibility for their own actions if they wish to become accepted as part of the rest of humanity. Repeat after me: "We little people refuse to let ourselves be thrown about any longer!" :ok:

Darth Nigel
15th Apr 2005, 13:09
They'll probably move the poor Grandma to an Old Folks Gnome.

Oh, you brought my coat -- thank you

15th Apr 2005, 13:15
But did this gnome meet the requirements set forth in the British Standard for Concrete Garden Gnomes? I should think using a knock-off non-standard gnome would be cause for some sort of official penalty. Years ago someone down the corridor from me at work had the Standard posted on his office door. And this was in the USA.

Capn Notarious
15th Apr 2005, 13:36
Which leads me to ask do the folks of USA have gnomes in their gardens. Is the provision of gnome facilities, the duty of United Kingdom?

15th Apr 2005, 13:56
A few years ago, before Poland joined the EU, there was a trade dispute between it and Germany. Germany accused Poland of dumping substandard gnomes on the German market.


From the thread title I thort they'd finally put Lord Gnome on trial... Heard he's been thrown out of his Toronto offices, though.

DX Wombat
15th Apr 2005, 15:25
Lord Gnigel Gnott-Gnaffgnome, seen here relaxing at his holiday home in Scotland, is the former O.C. Gnome Guard, Blackbushe. http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v604/DX_Wombat/Oddments035.jpg
I should, of course, mention that a large contingent from the Gnome Guard forms part of my caravan's defences :E :ok:

15th Apr 2005, 16:58
Was the gnome all right though? :}

15th Apr 2005, 17:32
I don't think garden gnomes are common in the USA.

Plastic deer have been available - but there are far too many real deer in suburbia these days.

Plastic pink flamingos are fairly common in Florida IIRC.

Lon More
15th Apr 2005, 17:47
What a waste of bandwith:O Ain't you folks got no Gnomes to go to?

Dons Tin Hat

Darth Nigel
15th Apr 2005, 18:33
caslance:Was the gnome all right though?
No mate, he completely went to pieces.:cool:

15th Apr 2005, 19:05
What do you mean "waste of bandwidth"? Bandwidth is like airline seats - once it leaves the gate it's gone, whether you used it or not. Thus JB is very ecologically-minded and uses bandwidth that would otherwise be squandered sending nothing.

This assumes that you think JB contents are something.

15th Apr 2005, 19:29
At least, no-one has mentioned a gnomosexual yet...

15th Apr 2005, 19:42

Nah! That's to do with g-nomes at conception.

15th Apr 2005, 20:03
Just so long as there's no goblin involved...... :ooh:

Oh....... is that my coat? Thanks very much.

15th Apr 2005, 20:52
" Garden Gnomes liberation front" have been active in the past years on both banks of Quiévrain .

Gnomes have been freed from their slavery in suburbs cottages, and have been found later in woods where they had gathered, singing revolutionnary hymns, along with battalions of Snow-white who were enjoying their company, far from human masters.

Unfortunately police squads came and disbanded the Gnomes, who were lately fixed securely, next to the tyre pit, while china cats look upon them from the roofs.

Freedom for the Gnomes!!!!!!!!!!!!

16th Apr 2005, 05:53
Freedom for the Gnomes?

You'll be petitioning for gnome rule next!

16th Apr 2005, 06:25
There is no unanimity among political analysts about the opportunity to transfer authority from cottage owners to the Gnomes.

A strong argument in favour of the Gnome's prevalence is they are occupying the gardens in a permanent way, while owners are there only by daylight when there is no chance of rain, drizzle, snow, wind.........

Capn Notarious
16th Apr 2005, 06:26
The best of them do rescue work while wearing Gnomex that fire resistant fabric

16th Apr 2005, 07:22
Grandpa, you've obviously attended the Idealistic Gnomes Exhibition.

This thread is getting silly......just the way I like it. := :p

16th Apr 2005, 07:29
A very gnomic observation...

Lon More
16th Apr 2005, 15:32
Gnome news is good news

16th Apr 2005, 18:05
My ergonomic keyboard isn't. It'd be like using a grand piano...

17th Apr 2005, 11:21
More to the point, did the gnome meet the minimum standard for use as a defensive weapon? Was it NATO-certified? If so, did it have displayed somewhere on it's outer surface(s) the NATO-approval number? If not, what was a non-NATO-Certified gnome doing in use in the first place? Had it been approved for non-military use, or was it in civilian hands by "un-official" channels. If that is the case, what is the government intending to do to limit the humbers of these dangerous defensive gnomes in the hands of civilians? Will the British PM institute a total ban on gnomes as he did on pistols after Dunblane? If he does, how will the many millions of gnomes surrendered be disposed of, and where?

Were any hazardous material used in its manufacture (paint etc) placarded as such and were the requisite Hazmat kits on hand in case of a Hazmat incident involving the gnome? Was the gnome an inert (solid) gnome or was it hollow. If it was hollow, had it been filled with a charge or propellant or was it an unfilled gnome?

Was the Granny fully-trained in the defensive use of the gnome? Had she completed the mandatory OH&S course in "defensive garden gnome handling in suburban areas"? Had she completed Gnome Induction classes prior to being issued with, or obtaining, the gnome?

Was the gnome in a fit and serviceable condition to be lobbed at the alleged intruder? What lobbing technique was used (overhand, underhand etc) and was it the approved technique for lobbing said gnome?

Was the roof fully serviceable or could it have contributed to the failure of the alleged intruder to avoid the lobbed gnome?

Was the alleged intruder familiar with the OH&S requirements for working in elevated positions? Did he have the requisite safety harness and placrads, barriers, warning signs, lookout, safety-line man etc?

There are many questions to be answered here. I can see enough work in this for a new government department to be etsablished - the Department of Garden Gnomes, colloquially called "The Gnome Office".

I could go on, but I'd rather not...

17th Apr 2005, 13:13

Sultan Ismail
17th Apr 2005, 13:57
The intruder took his life into his own hands when he ventured in Gnome Mans Land

17th Apr 2005, 14:59
Question -- Why does a gnome computer show pixielated images? :suspect:

17th Apr 2005, 17:32
I don't know why. But intercontinental gnomes prefer navigating with gnomeric charts.

17th Apr 2005, 20:04
The intruder has been let go, with a warning as has the gnome hurler on proportional response. Much as expected and predicted. Pity the bastards brains weren't ejected from his ears on impact.

17th Apr 2005, 23:11
...WMDs (weapons of massive distraction)

17th Apr 2005, 23:47
The latest news on the gnome: apparently he was treated on the National Elf Service. He did not have to wait very long.