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Astrodome
31st Mar 2005, 22:59
Little Johnny came home from school to see the familyís pet Hamster dead in the cage.

Rigor Mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air.

When his Dad came home Johnny said, "Dad our Hamsterís dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs sticking in the air?"

His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift poor little Hamster straight up to heaven."

"Wow Dad, that's great," said little Johnny.

A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Johnny rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mummy today!"

"What do you mean?" said Dad.

"Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mummy flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, "Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming" - If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!"

diginagain
1st Apr 2005, 01:35
A shepherd was herding his flock across a remote moorland when suddenly a
brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a
young man in a Prada suit, Gucci shoes, Dior sunglasses and D&G tie,
leans out the window and asks the shepherd: "If I tell you exactly how
many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"

The shepherd looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, and then looks at his
peacefully grazing flock and calmly answers: "Sure. Why not?" The yuppie
parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his
Nokia mobile phone, surfs to a NASA page on the internet, where he calls up
a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location
which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an
ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and
exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within
seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been
processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database
through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with hundreds of complex
formulae. He uploads all of this data via an email on his Blackberry
and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a
full-colour, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturised HP LaserJet
printer, turns to the shepherd and says:

"You have exactly 1,586 sheep". "That's right. Well, I guess you can
take one of my sheep," says the shepherd. He watches the young man
select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it
into the boot of his car. Then the shepherd says to the young man: "Hey,
if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back
my sheep?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says: "Okay, why
not?" "You're a defence contractor." says the shepherd. "Wow! That's correct,"
says the yuppie. "But how did you guess that?" "No guessing required,"
answers the shepherd. "You showed up here even though nobody called you,
you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never
asked, and you know nowt about my business....... Now give me back my
dog."

pigboat
1st Apr 2005, 01:40
An older gentleman was celebrating his 92nd birthday. He spoke to his toes.

"Hello toes!" he said. 'How are you, toes? You know, you're 92 today. Oh, the times we've had! Remember when we walked barefoot in the park every summer Sunday afternoon? The times we waltzed on the dance floor? Happy Birthday, toes!!"

"Hello knees," he continued. "How are you knees? You know you're 92 today? Oh, the times we've had! Remember marching in the army? And all the hurdles we jumped? Happy Birthday, knees!!"

Then he looked at his crotch. "Hello Willy," he said. "You little bugger, if you were alive today, you'd be 92!"