View Full Version : Old jokes only

Onan the Clumsy
25th Mar 2005, 16:30
such as...

My dog has no nose

Really? How does he smell?


Why wife is going on holiday to the West Indies


No she went of her own accord.

I broke my hand the other day and when the doctor was bandaging it up, I asked him "When it gets better, will I be able to play the violin?"

he said "Yes, that won't be a problem"

"Great" I replied" "because I can't play it now".

The doctor asked me how I was doing with the suppositories he gave me.

"I have to admit doctor, they're really not doing me any good"


"Yes. For all the good they did me, I might as well have stuck them up my ar$e."

da da da da da da da daaaaaa-a-a

25th Mar 2005, 16:36
While on the topic of bitches, take my MIL...........please, take my MIL.

25th Mar 2005, 16:38
Bloke comes to see the doctor a week after being given a prescription for suppositories.

Doctor says, 'did they help'

The man says 'no, you said to put the in the back passage, but we don't have a back passage, so I left them in the hall'.

'Mummy, mummy, there's a man at the door with a bill'.

'Don't be silly, dear, it's a duck with a hat on.'

Every day I take my dog for a tramp in the woods. The dog loves it, but the tramp is getting fed up.

'I've started making a portable.'

'A portable what?'

'Not sure, I've only made the handle'.

25th Mar 2005, 16:39
Two old ladies were sitting on rocking chairs in their retirement home. One asked, "Do you still ever get horny?"

"Oh, yes!" was the reply.

"What do you do about it?" asked the first.

"I suck on a lifesaver." was the reply.

The first lady sat there for a long while pondering the answer. Finally she couldn't stand it any longer, and asked,

"Who drives you to the beach?"
Hat, coat gloves.....

25th Mar 2005, 16:39
"My dogs got no legs so I call him cigarette."

"Why cigarette?"

"Becuase every evening I take him out for a drag"

25th Mar 2005, 16:52
Two atoms were sitting in a bar. One turns to the other and says, "I've just lost an electron."

"Are you sure?" Asks his mate.

"Yes," says the first atom, "I'm positive."


Why is PMS called PMS?
Because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.


Onan the Clumsy
25th Mar 2005, 16:53
I was wakling down the road and I saw a man pulling a piece of string.

"Why are you pulling that piece of string?" I asked him

"Have you ever tried pushing one?"

He told me that actually he'd had his dog put down/

"Was he mad?"

"Well he certainly wasn't very happy about it.

25th Mar 2005, 17:13
Phil the Greek is an old joke.

25th Mar 2005, 17:18
So's his No1 Son!!
Boom Boom!!

25th Mar 2005, 18:54
Do you know the difference between a Hoover and a Harley?

On the Hoover, the "Dirtbag" rides on the bottom!

Loose rivets
25th Mar 2005, 20:50
When you order duck in a restaurant, have it sliced horizontally and choose the bottom half.


That way you don’t get the bill. :}

What did the stream say when the elephant sat in it. “well I’ll be dammed!”

Boom, Boom :D

25th Mar 2005, 21:32
A guy sees his mate pulling a cabbage along the street on a leash...so he goes over to him and says;

"Why have you got a cabbage on a leash?"

"Whaaattt?!?!? The man in the shop told me it was a cauli!"

26th Mar 2005, 02:11
I say, I say, I say ... my dustbin's full of toadstools.

How do you know they're toadstools?

Because there's not mush room in there.

26th Mar 2005, 03:26
Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?

They had pictures of lawyers on them and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

26th Mar 2005, 04:18
How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to hold the giraffe and one to fill the bathtub with colourful machine tools.

26th Mar 2005, 06:15
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children...
"You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second Mom. "Your obsession is with money." Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, "Penny."
He turns to the third Mom. "Your obsession is alcohol". This too manifests itself in your child's name, "Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers, "Come on, Dick, we're leaving.

cessna l plate
26th Mar 2005, 13:41
You asked, so get this lot........

Why did the pervert cross the road?
He was handcuffed to the chicken!

How do you know elephants have been [email protected] in your back garen?
The bin bags are missing and there's a hole in the lawn!

How do you know an elephant has been in your fridge?
Footprints in the butter!

What did one coffee bean say to the other?
Lets go for a grind!

26th Mar 2005, 13:47
How do you know if 2 hefalumps have been in your frige??
2 sets of footprints in the butter.

How do you get 4 hefalumps in a mini??
2 in the front & 2 in the back.

How do you know if four hefalumps have been in the fridge??

Theres a mini parked outside.

How do you know if theres an Elephant in your bed??
She's the one with an E embroidered on her PJ's


26th Mar 2005, 13:49
How do you know when you've passed an elephant?

You can't get the toilet seat down!


26th Mar 2005, 13:51
Then there's the one about a cannibal who passed his brother in the street.

26th Mar 2005, 13:56
Two guy's walked into a building.........................you would think one of them would have seen it!! (the late, great T Cooper)

26th Mar 2005, 15:14
Then there were the two cannibals who ate a clown.

One said to the other............

......I can't go on with this....the thread title is old jokes, not totally [email protected] ones! :{

26th Mar 2005, 18:51
A bear walks into the Beef and Burgundy Bar and orders a beer.

"I'm sorry sir," says the barman, "we don't serve bears in the Beef and Burgundy Bar."

The bear, a bit p*ssed off bites a chunk out of the bar. "Give me a beer", he demands.

"I'm sorry sir, we certainly don't serve beer to bears on drugs" sniffs the barman.

"Wha?" says the bear. "I'm not on drugs"

The barman says, "what about that bar bit you ate?"

26th Mar 2005, 19:04
OK, did you hear about the cannibal who fell out with his girlfriend?

In the end, he dumped her.

26th Mar 2005, 19:15
How do you get down from an elephant?

You don't get down from an elephant, you get down from a duck.

What goes black-white-black-white-black-white-BUMP

A nun falling fown the stairs.

What goess ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-plop

A man laughing his head off.

How do you really annoy your wife when you're having sex?

Call her up.

26th Mar 2005, 21:06
What's round and green and goes up & down

a green pea in an elevator

Why shouldn't one walk in the jungle between dusk and dawn ?

'cause hefalumps are falling down from the trees.

Why are crocs rather flat-shaped ?

'cause they walk in the jungle between dusk and dawn.

26th Mar 2005, 21:19
Two nuns heading for the Vatican on their bikes. One nun knows a short cut through the back streets of old Rome. After a while the other nun says "I've never come this way before."
The first nun replies, "It's the cobblestones that does it!!"

26th Mar 2005, 22:56
What's got a bottom at the top?

A leg.


What's brown and sticky?

A Stick.

27th Mar 2005, 02:59
Heard about George the astronaut for Appollo 8 who woke up one morning with a stinking cold and couldn't go to training that day. If he didn't turn up that day he was off the programme for that space shot.

Ever supportive wife, Sue, suggests that with Georges spacesuit on, and his helmet covering her hair she could do that day's training as George. George agrees - hell, he was no worse off. If he didn't go to training that day he was off the programme - if they discovered Sue he was off the programme. So Sue goes to work as George.

The first test that day is the centrifical(sp) force test to see how many "G"s the Astronauts can stand.

After a very short time Sue blacked out. She woke up on a table in the hospital with a doctor massaging her breasts.

"Where am I?" asks Sue.

The doctor replies "Don't worry George, as soon as we get your balls down the old fella will drop out".

27th Mar 2005, 04:04
What did the leper say to the prostitute...............?

You can keep the tip..

27th Mar 2005, 13:41
Frank was excited about his new rifle and decided to try bear hunting.

He travelled up to Alaska, spotted a small brown bear and shot it. Right afterwards, there was a tap on his shoulder and he turned around to see a big black bear. The black bear said, "That was a very bad mistake. That was my cousin and I'm going to give you two choices. Either I maul you to death or I have my way with you.

After considering briefly, Frank decided to accept the latter alternative. So the black bear has his way with Frank. Even though he felt sore afterwards, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge.

He headed out on another trip back to Alaska where he found the black bear and shot it dead. Right afterwards, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said, "That was a big mistake, Frank. That was my cousin and you've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or I have my way with you."

Again, Frank thought it was better to cooperate with the grizzly bear than be mauled to death. So the grizzly has his way with Frank. Although he survived, it took awhile before Frank fully recovered.

Now Frank was completely outraged, so he headed back to Alaska and managed to track down the grizzly bear and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then moments later, there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there. The polar bear looked at him and said, "Admit it Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"

27th Mar 2005, 15:47
Man walks into a doctors with a cricket ball up his arse.

Doctor says 'hows that?'

Man says 'don't you bloody start!'

Man takes his alsatian to the vets with a bad paw.

Vet picks hm to look at him. After a while says 'I'm really sorry I'm gonna have to put him down'.

Man, in shock, says 'what just for a bad paw'

Vet replies 'No cos he's bloody heavy!'


27th Mar 2005, 20:01
duck goes into bar, says to barman "has my brother been in?"

barman says "Dunno, wot's he look like?"

27th Mar 2005, 21:55
A white horse goes into a Bar and asks foe a pint of bitter. Whilst pulling the said pint, the barman tries to strike up a convesation with the horse.....
"D'you know? there's a brand of whisky named after you."




bang goes the door

27th Mar 2005, 22:21
What do you call a woman tied up in a harbour?


What do you call a woman playing snooker balancing two pints of Stella on her head?

Beatrix Potter

When is a door not a door?

When it's ajar

Why did the scarecrow win the nobel peace prize?

For being outstanding in his field

A man walks into a bar....... ouch!