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Astrodome
25th Mar 2005, 00:11
An oldie but still a goodie !

Accident Report

Dear Sir,

"I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block 3 of the accident report form.

I put "poor planning" as the cause of my accident.

You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade.

On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six story building. When I completed my work, I found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500 lbs.

Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor.

Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks.

You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 135lbs.

Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope.

Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding downward at an equal, impressive speed.

This explained the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as listed in section 3 of the accident report form.

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.

Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience a great deal of pain.

At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs.

I refer you again to my weight.

As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up.

This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several lacerations of my legs and lower body.

The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and I'm sorry to report, however, that as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope.

I then sat there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto me.

This explains the two broken legs.

I hope this answers your inquiry."

TheOddOne
25th Mar 2005, 00:21
A lovely story, even more lovingly told by Gerard Hoffnung. Available in CD & cassette, try that Amazing store, you know the one...

Cheers,
TheOddOne

pigboat
25th Mar 2005, 01:45
A couple in their nineties were both having problems remembering things. The decided to visit their doctor for a medical examination. After completing the check-ups, the doctor advises them they are both in reasonably good health, but that they might want to write things down to help them remember.

Later that evening while watching tv, the old man gets up from his chair. "Where are you going?" asks his wife.

"To the kitchen," he replies.

"Will you get me a dish of ice cream?"

"Sure."

"Don't you think you'd better write that down so you'll remember?" she asked.

"No," he replied, "I can remember a dish of ice cream."

'Well," his wife continued, "I want some strawberries on top. You'd better write it down because you know you'll forget it."

"No," he says, "I can remember that. A dish of ice cream with strawberries on top."

"I'd also like whipped cream with that. I'm certain you'll forget it, so you'd better write it down!"

Thoroughly po'd by now, the old mad retorted "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! A dish of ice cream with strawberries on top and whipped cream I got it, for goodness sake!" Then he stumped off to the kitchen.

After about twenty minutes, the old guy returns and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a second then says "Where's my toast?"

Buster Hyman
25th Mar 2005, 05:12
In a nursing home, Randy Edgar was the bane of all the elderly ladies. He was always asking for a quickie. One day a new arrival in the home named Doris became his latest target.
"How's about a quickie?" Randy Edgar asked.
"A quickie what?" replied Doris.
"You know, a quickie." he said with a wink.
"Oh, you dirty old man!" exclaimed Doris.
"I'll give you $50" he replied.
Doris thought that she could use the extra $50 so she reluctantly agreed.
An hour later as Edgar is panting & wheezing next to her he says; "If I knew you were still a virgin, I'd have given you $100!"
Doris replied; "If I knew you could still get it up, I'd have taken my stockings off!"

Sailor Vee
25th Mar 2005, 08:23
JC 'Save me a Hot-Cross bun, I'll be back on monday.:E

Kalium Chloride
25th Mar 2005, 10:12
JC on the cross. Sees a fellow with a claw-hammer go by.

"Oi mate, pull these nails out for me."

Chap with the hammer obliges.

JC yells: "No!!! My feet first! Feet first...!"