View Full Version : The original home study course for Boeing and Airbus flight crews

18th Mar 2005, 14:19
This being my first post on this hallowed forum, I thought I would share some excellent home study activity for all aspiring Long Haul Boeing and Airbus crews. Having done the Pond hop many times, I can vouch for this home study course's accuracy...

The Original Home Study Course for Boeing and Airbus Long haul Flight Deck Crews

1. Sit in a cupboard, strapped into your most uncomfortable chair, in front of a large poster of a flight deck for at least 7 hours.

2. Have 4 vacuum cleaners switched on right behind your ears. If one should fail, have the operating manual to hand to effect re-start.

3. Have your partner deliver overcooked fish, soggy pasta, stale crackers and cold coffee to the cupboard midway through your simulation session. Remember to have your partner growl on delivering the food tray, and to bang the cupboard door at least 4 times before finally leaving.

4. Spill the pasta sauce down your nice clean white shirt.

5. When it comes time to answer nature's call, sit for 30 minutes longer than you have to, legs crossed, and then eventually leave the cupboard for the rest room. Remember to put on your hat.

6. Shine two flashlights in your eyes for at least five minutes to simulate the glorious dawn. Rub your eyes for 2 minutes each to make them nice and red.

7. After 7 or so hours, leave the cupboard and stand outside on your lawn. Switch on the sprinklers and stand for 10 minutes until soaked. This is the Hotel Transport Wait Simulation...

8. Go upstairs, dripping wet, bag in hand, and loiter outside the bedroom door ¡V just as you would in a hotel as the maid gets the room ready. When your partner shouts
"What the hell are you doing¨? Simply answer "Simulating the glamour of all night flying to wonderful destinations¨.

9. Fall face down into bed.

10. Midway through your sleep have your partner turn up the television and radio in the next room as high as they will go.

11. Play tapes of departing aircraft, or if your company uses downtown hotels, police and fire sirens will do nicely.

12. After 4 or so hours of restless sleep, get up and enjoy a freezing cold shower

13. Go downstairs and pay your partner $25 for a bagel and a coffee.

14. For aficionados, repeat twice.

Onan the Clumsy
18th Mar 2005, 14:44
I'll trade you if you want :8

18th Mar 2005, 16:28
Mmmmmmm - not a bad simulation at all.
This is how The Master describes the life of the long haul pilot....

*Moan*....Wake up.
Scratch balls.
Look outside to see what country it is. Good. Its home.
Stagger out and make coffee. Eat yesterday lunchtime's tuna sandwich lying on the table.
Slurp coffee and fire up PC....PPRUNE time!
Receive/send obscene Email.
Shit - shower - shave - shampoo.
Another shower to clean up after wanking.
Grecian, Rogaine, deodorant, aftershave.
Don uniform. Put on airline trousers found under the bed.
Check navbag - condoms/passport/licence.
Get into car. Go to work. Perve on Ally McBeal's pickie taped to the dash.

Get to Ops. Meet the Ops bloke.
"Good morning Captain. Your Flight Plan and weather are here."
"Where the f*** am I going, Champ?"
"London Heathrow."
"There is Tempo on Heathrow but Prestwick is ok. Your Zero Fuel is...."
"Where's the Crew List?"
"Oh....just here."
"Thanks. Hmmmm......Lisa - yummy!......Deidre - who's she?......Monica - phwo!......Freda - yuk!......"
"G'day mate! F***ed anything human lately?"
"Oh Christ! I gotta share the cockpit with YOU, y' deviant little shit? An' me just starting Bible studies."
"How's the List?"
"Not bad....12 chicks, 3 ugly. May have a chance. Rest are blokes."
"I'm tongueing for Lisa!"
"C***. Why couldn't you been born a poof!"
"You seen the Fuel Plan?"
"Oh yeah.....that. Does 130 tonnes look ok to you?"
"Yep. What sort of level you want Skipper?"
"Cockpit or altitude?"
"Anything sleazy. Lets go."

"Lisa my little darling!"
"Hi Snails!.......Purser to Crew....Snailie's here to harass the hell out of us for the next few hours!"
"Yo Cap!.......hi!"
"Any new jokes Snails?...."
"Hello Sir."
"Lisa......who's this drongo calling me Sir?
"Sorry darling.....he's new."
"Hello Captain. I am Deidre. I heard you can lick your eyebrows."
"Captain, I've assigned Freda for cockpit service."
"Ok, who do you want then?"
"Deidre it is."
"Owe you one Lis!"
"Careful...her boyfriend's a cop!"
"I'll make sure I ask her permission before she's raped."
"How's the weather?"
"Its nice outside."
"Flight time?"
"Tell you when we get there."

Pushback...start...taxi..taxi..taxi...scratch balls...take off...climb...LNAV/VNAV...cruise. Coffee...read paper...read F/O's dirty mag...sneak a fart...take a piss...coffee...

"Captain, a passenger wants to visit the flight deck."
"Stats Lisa?
"Female. Nice legs and bum, but definitely in the brown-paperbag-over-the-head category."
"Any saving graces? Tits?"
"To your rigorous standard honey. She's in a low cut too."
"Yeah ok, let her in. She might bend forward......."
"How's Deidre?"
"I've finally discovered the meaning of love and met someone who I could share the rest of my life with in total marital bliss."
"She gets you that horny huh?"
"Yep! Like an angel pissin' on me tongue."

Cruise..cruise..cruise...descend..descend..descend...XXTSRA. .."Shit!...f***kin' pommy c*** weather!"... dodge..dodge..avoid...
"Not like you to swear about weather?"
"Its cuttin' in on my Deidre chat-up time, Shaggie. Wanted to put the hard word on her by the O.M."
"Still got the bus ride to the pub."
"She's meeting a BA hostie mate on arrival."
"Sound's like you're f***ed tonight then."
"What's you with Lisa?"
"Out for drinks downstairs."
"Gonna try and 'get in there'?"
"Like a rat up a drainpipe!"
"Flap One."
"I wish it was Deidre's flaps."
"Lisa should be 30-30 Green Light with me tonight pal."

Get to pub room. Have a beer. Ring Purser - not answering...must be out with F/O (c***!). Think about going to Soho... naaah. Take shower. Watch TV. Go to sleep. Dream of bonking Deidre. Get up. Wank. Think of Deidre again...on her knees...another wank, and another. Have another 3 or 4 beers....Good - a bit o' brewer's droop. Go back to bed emptied and not at all horny anymore. Close eyes........

"Yeah, who is it?"
"Captain its me - Deidre. The BA mate story was to deflect attention. I'll be there in 3 minutes.".........clunk!

Note for moderator: I did try to clean it up, honest!

18th Mar 2005, 17:49
Classic Capt IF Snailtrails. Pure genius.

18th Mar 2005, 17:52
classic :ok: ROFLMAO

18th Mar 2005, 21:53
Classic Snaily fer sure. :D :D

Great post 767yyz. :ok:
Ya missed one of the sim exercises. There should be another person sitting in close proximity whose deodorant gives up the ghost half way through the simulated flight, and who belches, farts and picks his/her nose occasionally. ;)

18th Mar 2005, 22:24
PP if you open your window you can hear me laughing from there.

That's great :ok:

18th Mar 2005, 22:24
Positively Hall of Fame stuff, PP :ok:

Hay Ewe
19th Mar 2005, 02:09
PP - fantastic

If there is ever a top ten for post material in PPRUNE - that one gets my vote

Hay Ewe - thats funny