Parade Speak

[Incipient Sinner]

I'm off on a Det soon where I'll be taking plenty of recruits on parades. What stock phrases can you remember which should be used on the parade square??

Eg: "Are you wearing that beret OR JUST STANDING UNDERNEATH IT?"

[sittingstress]

Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwww, that (wo)man there, straighten those arms or I will march you over to the flagpole, bend you over, stick it up your @rse and FLICK you back from wence you came!

Obviously this is screamed using the 'speaking out of the corner of the mouth' method.

Regards

ss

[Spotting Bad Guys]

(Swinderby circa 1986) "You're supposed to bull your boots and iron your tousers, not the other way around!"

"The iron is the thing that lives in the cupboard with the small three-pronged bit at one end and the large hot bit at the other..."

There are more but the memories make me cringe at this time of day...


SBG:D

[teeteringhead]

Drill Bloke: Did you use a mirror when shaving this morning sir??
Cdt Teeters: Yes sergeant!
Drill Bloke: Well use a fcuking razor next time!!

[Roland Pulfrew]

Cranwell Parade Square early 80's, on early morning drill session with Flt Sgt taking drill. Flt Sgt looking at slightly dishevelled cadet (male) next to me in line:

"Mr Pulfrew are you feeling sexually aroused?"

"No Flt Sgt"

"Well you should be 'cos your are standing next to the biggest c**t I have ever seen".:suspect:

Probably not allowed to say things like that nowadays!:hmm:

[rotorbrake]

Cranwell no 1 Mess Parade square:

Q: Did you iron that?
A: Yes Flt Sgt
Q: With an iron?
A: Yes Flt Sgt
Q: Was plugged in?
A: Yes Flt Sgt
and so on

Or one from a cranwell PT kit inspection:

PTI: OFFICER CADET BLOGGS!!!
OC Bloggs: Yes Staff
PTI: GO DOWN TO STORES AND GET YOURSELF ISSUED A CHEST!

[Krystal n chips]

Are you allowed to say "nasty" things to recruits today? Met a "waste of space yoof" about a 18 months ago who left the RAF after----10 days ! :ok: as he ( allegedly ) kept being shouted at by a Rock Cpl. -----aaaaaawwww!--poor dear:=

1 Wing Halton--Liverpudilian F/S DI--favourite rant "Toes in boots! Toes in boots"!--one day, utters these words and from about 2 ranks behind me comes this very forced whisper " Where else are they going to be yer thick scouse t££t"--never seen a DI stuck for words until then :D

[Roghead]

It was just as bad in "the good old days".
South Cerney January 1964, we lost the first aspiring fighter pilot less than 24hrs after he had arrived. Didn't expect to live in a barrack block with 24 other blokes and was upset with the attitude of the "geezers" in uniform. A further three left in as many days for similar reasons. Another left in the middle of the night but he was a Rhodesian and it was the time of Smith and UDI.

[Matt Skrossa]

At BRNC Dartmouth just a few weeks after the first WRNS Officers had arrived (1977) the Royal Marine Colour Sergeant (Don't call me Colours I aint a **cking rainbow) was drilling some young male officers. The young WRNS officers were waiting for their turn and were all giggling at the tick tocking etc of the blokes. The CSGT halted the platoon of men, marched smartly over to the WRNS and said 'I don't know what you lot are laughing at you've only got one c*nt to look after, but I've got 24'. Fortunately PCness had not arrived in the RN then, so they just went quiet and looked sheepish! :D

[Lafyar Cokov]

With Flt Sgt Standing behind said Bloggs.....

Am I hurtin' you Bloggs?

No, Flt Sgt.

I Should be, I'm standing on your hair.

Etc etc

[woptb]

Matt,
Priceless:ok:

[WorkingHard]

"The further north they come from the thicker they are. Where are you from Bloggs, the f@@@ing Shetland Isles?"

[Anita Bush]

Once heard on a parade pracice at ISK.

SWO marches up to Wg Cdr Parade Commander who has been waiting with the troops twenty minutes for said SWO to bother to turn up.

SWO salutes Parade Commander
Parade Commander returns salute.
'You're late SWO'
'Sir, do not confuse your rank with my seniority'

[Wwyvern]

In the late 50s at RAFC, the drill FS, probably Bogbrush, was cajoling the Junior Entry about their demeanour, and was of the opinion that they should show more pride as ".. men have died in that unifiorm."

A small voice from the back said, "Hope nobody died in mine, Flight Sergeant."

[country calls]

Am I hurting you sunshine? I should be I am stood on your hairstyle!!!

Right Bloggs your choice, Sideys trimmed to the correct length or ears lowered.

When you shave in the morning sunshine stand a bit closer to the razor!!

Stand up straight sonny or the gleam in your eye will be from the end of my pace stick after I have rammed it up your asre.

Oh those where the days. Now instead of the nasty PTI shouting "Feet together with a jump, PLACE! Three times round my beautiful body at the sprint GO!" You are more likely to hear "OK it was supposed to be crosscountry today, but there is a 10% chance of rain, so get the benches out (4 to a bench, lift with the legs, remember to breathe) and we will have a nice cup of tea and talk the RAF corporate image"

[Gainesy]

DI: "You see the horizon Bloggs?"

Bloggs: "Yes, Flight."

DI: "Well go and stand on it, you f**king sack of sh!t."

(Vintage 1967)

[B9]

OCTU Henlow 1969. During one of the many drill sessions, Regiment Sgt is in full flow with the usual comments. He stands behind one of the more shapely WRAFs (one without upside down legs) and shouts 'Miss xxxx pull your shoulders back and get your chest out'; Miss xxxx duly obliged. The Sgt, in a voice reminicent of Bill Fraser as Sgt Snudge, responded with 'LOVELY'. Even in those non-PC days, the Sgt had a short and sharp one-way interview with the Senior Rock.

[ImageGear]

Circa '67

Drill FS - I can't hear the pace - are we marching on a field of bare t*ts ?

Bloggs - If you persist in waving that weapon around, I will stick it so far up your a*se you will think you're growing a new tooth!!

Anyone remember three times round the "hill" at Swinderby ?

Lovely days !,

ImageGear

[roony]

a friend of mine told me this happened on a parade prctice at coltishall a couple of years ago, the SWO confronts a scruffy SAC and jabs his pace stick into his chest..
SWO: "airman, there appears to be a piece of **** on the end of my stick!!"
SAC" not this end sir..."

[tablet_eraser]

Old story roony... but good nonetheless!

Cranwell, the College WO walked up to some hapless cadet (might have been me) and whispered in his ear:

"Have you heard about the German on the Station, sonny?"
"No, Sir" (cacking myself)
"Herr Barbers? HERR CUTZ???"
(Almost in tears): "Okay, Sir!"

Also heard on parade:

"Officer Cadet FOX!!!!"
"Yes Flt Sgt!"
(After a pause) "Are you as CUNNING as a fox?"
"Sometimes Flt Sgt!"

Guess you had to be there... :}

[Need for Speed!]

RAFC pt, not so long ago...

PTI: have you ironed that shirt bloggs?!

bloggs: YES STAFF!!

PTI: what with, my wifes face?!

[5206]

RAFC 90-91, FS Mick Seal (Top Bloke):

You lot are Sh*t Hot; 99% Sh*t, 1% hot

[Sloppy Link]

"Did you polish those boots last night, Smith?"

"No Sir, my wife did!"

Poor soul turns red whilst remainder of squad stifle laughter, moves on to next man...

"Are those your best boots, Jones?"

"No Sir, they're Slater's!"

Poor soul now has turned puce and is doing a good impression of a man having an epileptic fit. Squad is now gigling like kindergarten children. Next man....

"Is that your best uniform, Firth?"

"No Sir, (pauses for effect) but it is my favourite!"

Poor soul has now lost the power of speech and only appeasrs capable of inhaling as he tries to come to terms with what is happening on his parade. The squad are now behaving in a similar fashion to the Roman guards in the Life of Brian and the famous Welease Wodewick sketch.
That cost us a full drill lesson at warm up speed but it was worth it.

[airborne_artist]

BRNC, circa 1978 - GI (Gunnery Instructor, parade training their sole preserve) for our SL Aircrew course was in the habit of saying "Stand at ease .... get your legs apart, you've got nothing to lose", and finally came the day when he stood in for another GI and took the WRNS course for parade training ... cue much hilarity.

Being the good sport he was, he was happy to tell the story against himself.

[DSAT Man]

FS to Officer Cadet: Did you shave this morning?

Officer Cadet: Yes sergeant.

FS: Sergeant? SERGEANT? I put f****** sergeants in jail!

[jamino]

" you usless tick tocking ****"...that was a fav of mine,made me laugh every time:ok:

[16 blades]

Block inspection in No 2 IOT mess, many moons ago. Rock FS disappears into room behind me, returns with my civvy shoes which are, in fairness, in a sh!te state.

FS: "What are these shoes saying to you, Mr Blades??"

Me (in a "Dare I? oh, fcuk it!") moment: "They're saying 'Help, Help! The FS's got me!"

...well worth 50 press ups!

16B

[jamino]

:confused: huh???what hill? i was there 87??

[A10 Thundybox]

"is that a tramline in your trouser leg soldier!!!"
"well Sir a good Soldier always carries a spare.."

Much Laughter

att. Oz Wilson AAC

Apart from the witty rejoinders remember:

Grow a big wirery ginger tash that you could buff a tank with.
Shout from the side of your mouth in a pseudo scottish accent
End every scentence as highly pitched as possible, join all words together QuiiiiiiimaaAAARCH/AbouuuuutuuuuuUURN
and ofcourse PreeeaaaaaaaantaaAAArrRRRMMMMS

coat everything you are facing/shouting/talking to..in phlegm
use the phrases
"Get a shagging grip"
"You 'Orrible individual"
"You there, STAND STILL!!"
"My Granny could do better than that, she's blind deaf and fcuking DEAD, you useless toe-rag, now see that hill?...Go!"

...etc

[November4]

Swinderby 1984...... and another bl***y flu epidemic!

Don't remember a hill though

[richlear]

Morning parade - Finningley AAITC around 1983

Taff Davies puts hand up
"What is it Davies?" yells FS
(Assume over-done south Wales accent)
"I need to go to the medical centre Flight-Sergeant"
"What's wrong with you Davies?"
silence - then the immortal line "well it's my penis, Flight-Sergeant"

Excellent!

[Skeleton]

Not a parade ground reposte but good nevertheless...

Swinderby 1978... peeing it down, so march round the hanger time because the DI didnt want to get wet.

Scrawny little bloke with national health specs keeps getting it wrong. DI Boycell picks mr scrawny up and hangs him by his raincoat on a peg and carries on the parade.

awesome!!:ok:

[ATSA2]

Another victim from Swinderby 1978....

"Sharp as a fcuking marble!"

and a friend of mine, being berated by an Army Major for failing to salute him...
"Airman! don't you salute Army officers in the Air Force?"
"No, Sir, we havent got any!"

priceless!

[X-QUORK]

Drill Sgt: "I've seen dwarves searching for fag butts amongst f*cking dustbins looking smarter than you ar$eholes...YOU'D BETTER START SWITCHING ON!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

[Gainesy]

Flt Sgt to terminally confused kid, Day One:
"You call me "sir" again boy and you'll be in the Stripey Sunshine Room for the weekend."

[stiknruda]

RAFC 1980
Parade ground in front of CHOM

Can't recall the reason but we've been standing at attention for what seems likes hours, it's mid summer and hot. Off Cdt in the row in front of me collapses.

No one moves. Eventually he is dragged away.

Parade is over and FS xxxxx walks over to the now recovered Cdt and says, "Who the £uck gave you permission to faint on my £ucking parade!"

Stunned silence from our hero!

Stick

[ImageGear]

In '67 -

It was artificial with stunted trees, possibly spoil from a Quarry, and when carrying a full pack seemed about 300 feet high. (probably about 60) You were driven straight up the front and over the top down the back and returned by running around the base.

By the end of the third circuit, the weedy's were crawling on their knees and the rest were sweating and gasping for life. - and yes when looking from the hangars it was a spec in the distance but it rose like a hairy carbuncle from the earth as you marched toward it.

The more sadistic DI's viewed it as a right of passage, there specifically to weed out the dross, an easy way to help them to rejoin Mummy at an early opportunity.

Its probably under a furniture factory now.

Imagegear

[Lafyar Cokov]

Second-Hand story alert - Excuse me if I don't have all the facts right but apparantly....

Norwich Freedom of the City Parade, Colt Jag Sqns provide flights to march past the Mayor etc. As the flight approaches the dias, Jag Mate Flt Cdr realises its time for an 'eyes right' - but forgets the words... in sheer panic he comes out with "Eyes right, eyes right - GO"...

You probably had to be there.

[tablet_eraser]

Someone reminded me of another comment from my College WO, a terrifying man named Mr Morton (or Sir, to helpless cadets!).

It was during the Sovereign's Parade a while ago, and the Prince of Wales was to inspect the graduating sqn. Cranditz has a tradition of fair or clear days on graduation thursday, but it had been pissing it down for a week. Mr Morton was seen in the Rotunda, getting more and more annoyed at the weather until eventually he grabbed his hat, yelling "RIGHT! That's it!".

Mr Morton walked out on to the Parade Square, looked skyward, and screamed, "STOP F**KING RAINING!!!"

Seconds later, the clouds parted, the sun shone, and within half an hour the parade square was bone dry. What a legend!

As for No 2 IOT Mess inspections, one story goes that a FS found a dead fly on a cadet's windowsill. The cadet was promptly given two days' restrictions - one for keeping an unauthorised pet in the barracks, the other for not looking after said pet properly.

[stiknruda]

Cranditz again....

CWO - Good morning, I'm Mr xxxxxx, now as cadets, you will call me Sir. If you graduate I will call you Sir. The only difference is that you WILL mean it!

[Skeleton]

My all time classic was at lossie many moons ago.....

Waiting for the Duke of Edinburgh who was late....

SWO facing the parade is clearly getting agitated at HRH's tardiness.

"Where the f*45/k is he"... shouldnt be allowed"

Lad in fromt of me motions to SWO of approaching figure and hangers on....

SWO.. "Don't be stupid that isnt him"

Lad "I think you will find it is"

SWO "Stand fast im not blind"

Lad " It is him Sir... look again"

SWO.. swivels in real Fulton Mackay style........

"OH JESUS H CHRIST IT IS"!!!!!!!

I am sure HRH heard every word :)

Certainly we all did.. HRH smiled throughout along with most of those on parade :)

[Aeronut]

DI to recruit:

"Are you naturally bow-legged or did you press those trousers round a barrel?"



With visiting ladies present and recruits marching through corridor:

"Mind your language gentlemen............ c@nt in the corridor!!"



As apprentices during the many many wing parades (nice and early so not to affect the training day) when the order -

"Fall out the officers" was given many apprentices would use that as the cue to evacuate the bowels of any excess gas!!!! Horrendous.

[propulike]

Graduation Day, the NCO Discip was standing outside the church with uniform sharp as a razor, boots that put mirrors to shame and a pace stick stuck under his arm as now ex-cadets, mums and grannies came out. One bloke walked out of church with no hat in sight and was spotted immediately.

The NCO turned puce and started “WHE-ERE’s your H-A-T…” then bit his tongue, tried to keep his lips tightly closed, clenched his teeth but couldn’t stop “….C#NT??!!?” , then snapped himself to attention, about turned and marched himself off.

[Art Field]

After three months of a freezing Lincolnshire winter at the ITS at Kirton Lindsey in 1957, having been drilled up hill and down dale by Sgt Latham we arrived at London , Ontario to join a NATO course passing out parade from language school. Halfway through, the Group Captain taking the parade, using a Tannoy system to give the orders, came out with " OK you guys, everyone fall out for a smoke". Everyone bar the RAF "guys" did, we stood there waiting for a "STAND STILL" from Lathams rich parade ground tones. One of the best, do they come like him anymore?.

[wub]

St Mawgan 1971, AoC's Parade final rehearsal:

SWO marches up to airman, looks him up and down and barks: "Airman, why are you the only man in the Royal Air Force to be issued with lime green socks?"

Airman replys "You know it's funny, but I've been asking myself the same question"

Airman gets to watch final parade from inside Guardroom.


Swinderby 1971 (I don't remember the hill either). DI gives the order to shoulder arms. Guy next to me hoists SLR with fixed bayonet in such a clumsy way that the bayonet goes into his armpit, blood everywhere. DI roars "Stop fcuking bleeding you clumsy c*nt!"

Swinderby passing out parade. Airman in front of me steps on a Mars Bar wrapper as we march on, sounds akin to someone dragging their feet. DI roars "Who's dragging their feet, six weeks I've had you buggers and you still can't get it right on your last day!"

Me: "Excuse me Sgt, this man has a Mars bar wrapper stuck to his foot"

DI: "Shut the **** up"

Last one: DI: "Fall out for a smoke break, if you don't smoke just go throught the motions"

[BEagle]

But there were also the kindly ones, like our 'Uncle Les' Rodda at RAFC.

On Wednesday drill I committed some minor indiscretion like breathing out of step or something - which, predictably, attracted the eye and wrath of the CWWO, Mr Garbutt...

"Sarn't Rodda, that idle man there, take his name!" bellowed Mr G.

This obviously surprised Les as he hadn't noticed anything amiss.." Yes Sir, right Sir, got his name, Sir. Flt Cdt BEagle - see me after parade"

"Bollocks", I thought. Cocking up in front of Mr G usually meant 'strikers' which meant wearing white webbing all bloody day, having several parades with inspections and being restricted from doing anything else. Get any part of it wrong and you could stay on ‘strikers’ for ever.

After parade I sought out Les but he wasn't in his office. So, back to the block to get rid of webbing and boots - only to bump into him drinking coffee with our batties. All of whom were in very good spirits, possibly something to do with the empty bottle of Lamb's Navy Rum in the waste-paper basket....

"Sgt Rodda....." I began...

"Ah, Mishter BEagle. We mushn't upshet the cobbly-wobbly officer on parade now, mush’ we - sho pleash go and do my phone directory amnd....amedmn.... ALs would you?"

"Yes Sgt!"

Wonderful chap, Les. Gave 5 of us a lift to Grantham station at the end of the first term rather than have us miss the train waiting for a late taxi!

As Arters said, do they come like him anymore?

[BTDTGTTShirt]

Halton Mid Seventies – Cpl Lunnon later SWO at Witton I think

Duty tick tocker is destroying his parade
In a very deep Welsh baritone voice----and very loud
Laddy if you don’t sort them f*c£ing arms out I will rip them off and beat you over the ed wif the soggy ends
:sad:
Later tick tocker still tick tocking.
You is a Russian spy. You ave bin sent ere to destroy my luvly parade. Go over there and watch ow it shood be done then go to stores and get your orrible body a new clock.
:{
I remember the hill at Swinderby. IIRC it was on the east side of the field close to the old taxi way. I think it was one of those old blast shelters that had been filled in on both sides. They had a couple at Finningley as well

[joe2812]

Sgt: Do you understand me laddie?

Cdt: Yes sarge

Sgt: Sarge? SARGE?? There are only two types of 'sarge' - a sau-sarge and a pas-sarge. Call me that again and I will stick my sau-sarge up your pas-sarge!

[Lyneham Lad]

Initial Training Camp St Athan 1963.....
The first three months mean no going off camp, no weekend passes, no nothing. The DI is a Scottish Cpl name of Brown. As the time for the end of ITC approaches, the said Cpl Brown organises a Saturday coach trip to Bristol for 'ice-skating' and encourages all of us to put our names down. No persuasion needed. Arriving at lunch time in central Bristol (and bearing in mind we have spent 3 months in complete social solitude), he announces "right you 'orrible lot, coach departs 23.00, fcuk off and enjoy yourselves.......oh and by the way, there is no ice skating rink in Bristol...." Priceless!

[Blacksheep]

SWO addressing "Angry" Frank Moorhen

"Are those your best boots?"
"No, Sir"
"So, why aren't you wearing your BEST boots then?"
'Cos they're brown Sir!"

One day we were marched off to the armoury to be issued with our very own 'Drill Purpose' No 4 SMLE rifles. Aircraft Apprentice Morrison, was standing to one side with his new rifle over his shoulder, holding it by the muzzle end with the butt sticking out at the back. Corporal Bailey screams: "Morrison! Who the fu*% do you think you are!?!? Davy fu*%ing Crockett?" He was just the first of our entry to discover the pain of double marching twice round Maitland parade ground holding the 11 pound Lee Enfield at arms length above one's head.

In my own favourite encounter at Halton in 1963, we were standing at ease in that interminable wait for the Parade Commander to turn up and take over from the DIs. The officers had already been marched on. To ease the tension we were taught to wiggle our toes in our boots without visible movement. Being an individualist, I was waggling my ears. From behind our flight, Sgt "Dino" Stoneman whispered - in the 80 decibel manner of a long service Drill Instructor - the immortal line:

"Blacksheep - stop waggling your bloody ears!!!"

The entire parade dissolved in hysterics.

[Like This - Do That]

Laugh about it now, but as an 18yo I was truly frightened of this little man. He had WP burns up his arms from Vietnam and the most terrifying stare .... and his voice could be heard for miles.

Turned out to be a nice bloke, but for those first three weeks or so ... crickey. His favourite was tearing arms off.

"BLOGGS! Wave those arms again and I'll tear them off and flog you to death with the wet end"
"BLOGGS! Wave those arms again and I'll tear them off, stick them in your ears and ride you around the depot like a bicycle"
"BLOGGS! I'll tear your arms off, stick them in your ears and set you on fire. You'll go up in a puff of smoke"

I rarely copped his fury, which probably explained his calm response to my bayonet clattering across the parade ground during ceremonial 'fix bayonets' training.

The tip of the bayonet caught in the scabbard just when it was pulled out during the delay before "FIX" .... the parade ground was silent then CLATTER CLATTER CLATTER .... followed by my knees trembling. He glared .... "pick it up". Sh1tting myself then, p1ssing myself now.

Aaaah happy days.

[Circuit Basher]

Three from RAFC IOT days in 81 / 82:

As duty cdt when we were in No 2 IOT Mess, I had the honour of escorting the Flt Cdr round for a room inspection, taking notes. As was usual, all the inspectees had to stand out in the corridoor awaiting their turn to be inspected. Whenver Flt Cdr went into a room, all non-inspectees ran into their room to mop up the basin from the perpetually dripping tap that we all had! Around came the time for the inspection of SO Carr's room, and the Flt Cdr went in and shortly after, he spotted a small money spider making its way down the wall of the room. Out came the shout 'SO Carr, I want a 1000 word essay on rules regarding the keeping of pets in the Mess!', to which SO Carr responded 'It's not a pet, sir, it's a visitor!'. He still got to write an essay on mess rules regarding visitors, but Flt Cdr and all present knew that SO Carr had won the day!

2: On green parade outside the Rockery, they used to have spot checks on all the kit we had in our CEFO. We were open ordered and then asked to present various items for inspection. SO Carr (again!) was behind me, but had none of his kit with him and I got a hissed request for whatever he was missing. For each item, where I was inspected, I then backhanded the item to SO Carr. All went fine, with mess tins, KFS, razor, etc all being backhanded. Unfortunately, one of the gunners passing by in the corridoor behind / above us spotted what was going on and brought it to the attention of FS Roffey. I then got punished 'SO Basher, do press ups until I get tired!' - SO Carr got off scot free!!

3: Rememberance Day Parade rehearsal on the Orange - SWO man watches us doing a practice and shouts 'Gentlemen, that was abysmal! Run 3 laps of the orange and do it again'. We comply, to be met with the comment 'That was better, it was now just appalling!' Another circuit of the Orange and another practice... :D

Good old days!!

[henry crun]

AOC's rehearsal 4 TTS St Athan, hundreds of Boy Entrants waiting in the bitter cold for the inspection to start.

One squadron in particular is waiting in trepidation because of the dire threats if there was a repeat of the shambles at the last rehearsal.

DI sgt notices a lad in the rear rank in front of him is missing one glove, so, without moving his feet he leaned forward to an impossible angle and growled in the boy's ear, "faint boy".

Lad whispers back "but I'm alright sgt",
another growl "faint when yer f*cking well told to, and you two on either side carry him off"

[Mosspigs]

Very demanding bergen run in the summer with our very Scottish DS.

Chap falls over and is unable to get up, holding his back with his hands. DS screams, “ What’s fu**ing wrang with you”?

Cadet replies gasping for breath, “It’s my kidneys Colour”.

“Aye” says the very Scottish Colour Sergeant, “Yer kidney be bothered” and with that ran off.

Apologies to all Scots for the written accent!!

[Arbie]

Heard this one on the grapevine from a fairly recent Cranwell grad.

Just before marching on to the Orange, the Sqn was being inspected, as per usual, by the Flt Sgts - who are, of course, all very PC these days (and admirably restrained in my opinion!).

One of the Flt Sgts reaches a particularly stunning female cadet; stops in front of her; and gives her a long, lingering look up and down. "Smith," he says, "If I was your father.....I'd still be bathing you."


Beautiful!

[An Teallach]

Teallach! Do that again and i'll ram this pace stick up your @rse and march you off this square like a fecking toffee apple!

[Navaleye]

RSM Shouting to a bunch of grunts in Gib. "Get fell in, as you was, the whistle's blew" . Perfect army grammar.

[navigator]

ITS South Cerney 1960. Course drill instructor Flt. Sgt. Ford. Comment at my marching prowess- Mr. D.......... "your'e marching as if the 'airs of your a..e are tied together!

[chippy63]

There's the scene in An Officer and a Gentleman where a recruit is being "greeted" at a reception parade by the gunny;

Where you from, Boy?

Texas, gunnery sergeant!

I only know two thungs about Texas, steers and queers, and I don't see no horns, boy!

[buoy15]

IOT 1982 - end of Camp 2 at Stamford Range - the very Scottish FS Cockburn

"Right you lot, leave this place like you had never been here, this is a conversation area"

Pregnant pause and sniggers

"You mean a conservation area Flight Sergeant?"

"No I don't - after you've gone, the deer come down here and talk to each other"

His favourite method of waking late risers was to borrow a Bren gun, poke it into the tent and empty the magazine - fun to watch

Lovely man!

[anthony.adams1]

From a DI at Swinderby in late 1978, after Williamson dropped his rifle during an order arms.

DI. How would you like me to stuff that rifle up your arse Williamson.

AC Williamson. Ooohh, gently cpl.

[PPRuNeUser0172]

Parade square, FS doing the rounds, a very scruffy Off Cdt Jones stood there looking like a shower of sh!t. FS looks at him in disgust, pokes him in the chest with his Pacing stick and is heard to say

"Jones, at the end of this stick is the biggest c*nt in the Air Force"

To which Jones quickly and stupidly replies

"Which end Flight Sergeant"

[donald stott]

Swinderby 1989 (I think it was on 1 Sqn): 6 foot DI, with legendary waxed handlebar mustache and huge barrel chest, has been giving a drill lesson for over 2 hours in the evening. One AC (name I cannot remember, but he had jam jar glasses) was performing poorly. Extremely annoyed DI delivers following 1 liner:

AC Crimp...have you been sent by the Russians to p*** me off?

Short pause... then f*** off my parade square!

[reynoldsno1]

r1 on Sleaford Tech parade in the early 70's waiting for CAS on the parade ground. Very senior officer arrives and strolls up and down the ranks, then stops and speaks to r1. Nobody had done this before:
CAS "How long have you been here?"
r1 "About twenty minutes, sir"
End of conversation
CWO - in a 1m trail behind CAS - "You're f*ckin' charged..."

Friend at another training establishment by the name of Nelson (friend that is, not the establishment):

DI inspecting: "You, do yer top button, up. Who the f*ck do you think you are - Napoleon?"
Nelson (innocently): " No sir, Nelson, sir"
DI, at volume: "Very funny, you're f*ckin' charged"
Nelson: " But , but, but......."

[kmagyoyo]

Basic training early 90's in NZ. Marching up and down the Square with Cpl 'Not the sharpest tool in the shed' W.

'If your going to muck me around in my time, then I'm going to muck me around in my time too!'

Beautiful.

[Skeleton]

Flossie again....

SWO berating airman for everything bar breathing.....

"Well what have you got to say for yourself"

Airman quick as a flash flips open packet of cigs and makes like the packets a radio...

"FFS Scotty I said beam me up!"

[Blacksheep]

Not strictly parade stuff but along similar lines.

A 44 Sqn Vulcan visits Gibralter and the crew chief is for some reason, accomodated in the army's Garrison Sergeants Mess. He leaves the dining room after breakfast and wanders back to his room on the opposite side of the square, beret in epaulette and reading a newspaper as per SOP in Bomber Command. The army's Garrison Sergeant Major turns puce and screams at him "Colour Sergeant!!!" Chiefy carries on wandering. "COLOUR SERGEANT!!!!". No reaction. GSM doubles round the square to intercept him at the other side. A comical sight indeed, as you may imagine.

"COLOUR SERGEANT, WHEN I SHOUTS, YOU ANSWER!!!"
Chiefy explains "I'm not a Colour Sergeant, Sir. I'm a Chief Technician" "If you was in the army you'd be a Colour Sergeant!!!" "I don't think so. If I was in the army I'd be a bloody Colonel!"

[I believe Lofty eventually made Squadron Leader on a Branch Commision, so he wasn't far wrong.]

[Pom Pax]

Aspersions have been made in another thread about Art Fields vintage, I am beginning to think they are correct. On page 4 he states
"After three months of a freezing Lincolnshire winter at the ITS at Kirton Lindsey in 1957"
My recollection was that '57 was a mild winter except when it was an early morning trip to Scunthorpe pool, and '47 the cold one
At aforementioned establishment that spring, it must spring its still light and flag has been lowered. However "Blue 6" is still continuing its drill in a corner of the Square despite the rest of the camp starting to stroll back to quarters. W.O. Murphy standing some 10 yards in from the corner of the Square is seemingly observing us whilst in conversation with perhaps Sgt Latham. Suddenly an almighty bellow of "AIRMAN", whole camp comes to a stop. We all breath a sigh of relief at least the call was not CADET! Pace Stick points at a group of three on the road diagonally across from the Square. All three start towards him and upon arrival are greeted with "You do not walk across MY Square you walk smartly round it". Sent back to far corner to repeat exercise. When they return he lifts the hem of one airman's trousers off his boot with the pace stick to reveal very light blue socks. Standard conversation follows.
What amazed us was the power of his eyesight in failing light!

[PileUp Officer]

I heard a story from an old ex-ranker when I was on IOT but this might just be an urban legend.

Apparently an airman was sauntering across the parade square after breakfast, hat off and so on. A Warrant Officer spies him from way over the other side of the square and shouts “AIRMAN!!!”

The airman looks round and, seeing how far away the warrant is, shouts back “WARRANT OFFICER!!” and runs off!

Legend.

[engineer(retard)]

I might have told the story and I'm not that old. However, I do know the airman concerned and they were on opposite sides of a barbed wire fence. Said airman ran into the block and hid in a locker. Last time I met him he was a SNCO rigger at Lossie. The SWO was Joe Overall, a legend in his own lifetime. Many more stories about him but not enough time at present.

Retard

[SASless]

In 1968, at a sunny day camp known as Fort Wolters, the US Army's location for the Pre-flight and Primary Flight instruction for fledgling helicopter pilots, Warrant Officer Candidates (WOC's) were issued a "Red Book" that contained anything one needed to know to survive the military conduct portion of the course. It had very detailed drawings on wall locker contents, foot locker contents, rules and regs that set forth the way of life for the inhabitants of that sunny glade day camp.

Amongst the many rules....was one that said something along the lines of...."Upon entering the Regimental Area, each officer shall be rendered the Hand Salute and Greeting of the Day. The part left out was the words that said "as set forth by Army Regulations". Needless to say...the Regimental area was quite large....being Texas and all that. As blind obedience to rules and regulations was the desired conduct....and most of us being smarter than the minders (Warrant Officer Pilot candidates had to have higher qualification scores than did commissioned officer candidates.....but that is another story)....we could find ways to upset their cart for them and do so exactly within their rules.

Said officer crosses the boundary of the Regimental area....about three hundred yards away....a single candidate observes said officer....and at the very top of his most military voice...shouts out..."Sir! Candidate Fartsnyder....Good Morning Sir!" and renders the hand salute......after the third shouted greeting...said officer understands it is he who is being saluted. Army tradition being what it is.....he is obliged to return the salute and greeting.....at the top of his less than military voice.

When told by the cadre what an idiot the candidate was being....rendering a hand salute at 300 yards rather than at no more than 12 paces....a rebuttal by referring to Section II, page 6, paragraph 3(a) of the Candidates Guide cleared up the mis-conception.

Hats On! About Turn....Quck March....leaving a very red-faced Tactical Officer to consider his retribution....which was rapid, to the point....and worth every pint of sweat.

[Big Tudor]

Well known ATC WO at Gutersloh, late 80's, early 90's, had a habit of bellowing at airpersons and officers wandering twixt car and bank sans hat. The added bonus for him was he could stick his head out of the door at the top of the tower and the recipient couldn't see who was shouting at them.
Anyway, one bright, sunny, rather quiet afternoon, WO G glimpses a likely victim exiting his car minus his headgear. Door opens and without checking to see who it was bellows "With the respect of the Stn Cdr, get yer bloody 'at on sir!"
It was a rather startled Station Commander who looked skywards searching for the source of the disembodied voice from above! :D In fairness to the man he did come up the tower and apologise to Mr G afterwards.

[swampy_lynx_puke]

Not first hand, but bloody good and an urban myth....

Sandhurst with the inevitable cadet struggling with drill, Colour Sergeant loses his cool and orders said cadet to march over to the statue of Queen Victoria to tell her the errors of his ways and to beg as to the appropriate punishment.
When the cadet returns he marches up to the Old College steps, sits down and lights a cigarette. The Colour Sergeant completely loses the plot and screams at him as to what he thinks he is doing.
He quickly responds that the Queen said that helooked rather tired and stressed and he should take a 5min smoke break!

[exrotarybooty]

During annual General Duties Training at RAF Laarbruch, we were told by a Regt Cpl, with a dead pan face, that the flash of a nuclear explosion is so bright the Japanese still walk around to this day with their eyes half shut in a squint!

ERB

[SASless]

Scene....Paris Island Marine Recruit Depot, South Carolina
Location: Rappelling Tower
Instructors: GySgt Charles Smith, GySgt Bulldog Grunt
Subject: Rappelling Techniques

A platoon of young Marine Recruits being trained by the two instructors.....after a days work on the tower....with all the safety drills being followed to the letter. Rappeler calls out his name....Belayer calls out his name...then rappell is done.

GySgt Smith decides to demonstrate the Australian Rappel
GySgt Grunt is to be belay....but fails to get the word.

Smith leaps off the tower on rappel....whizzes to earth....lands face down in the sawdust raising a large cloud of dust and making a very loud "OOOOMPH!" sound.

Heard from the rear of the platoon...."GySgt Smith on Rappell....Paris Island on Belay!"

Wherever old Charlie is today....God Bless him! He was a Marine's Marine! Not much of a rappeller but one heck of a Marine!:ok:

[Darth Nigel]

Not in the same league, but still...

Young Darth at Sandhurst, learning how to march in line and swing his arms without counting, stuff like that.

We had a Welsh DI, a nasty little bustard from the Queens Own Foot and Mouth, who was clearly upset with his lot in the world, being:
- short
- ugly
- in the army
- Welsh

Worse, he had the sort of sing-song Welsh accent that any comedian would envy. So he's busy explaining the defects of one of my fellow cadets, when something he said struck me as humorous. I swear the little sod heard my lips twitch from 8 feet away.

"So, Mr. Darth, you think I'm bl@@dy funny, do you?" (said like a character in a bad film about the Army)
Now how do you answer a question like that?
The only sensible way -- silence, stare off in the distance, try not to think of Benny Hill, oh b@gger...

"You are a heap of sh!t, Mr. Darth. What are you?"
Silence.
"Answer the question"
"A heap of sh!t, Sergeant" (slightly quivery tone)
"I can't hear you -- speak bl@@dy louder"

So young Darth spent some time standing at RMAS yelling "I am a heap of sh!t" until the deaf bustard had had enough.

Ah, happy days.

[Big Tudor]

GySgt Bulldog Grunt
SASless, please tell me that is a made up name. PLEASE! ;)

[Art Field]

Pom Pax, I have to admit that, after doing some research, March 57 was an exceptionally warm month so AL 1 reads "two freezing months". Anyway Lincolnshire seemed damn cold to a softy southerner like me. The mention of Scunthorpe brings back memories of the Oswold on a Saturday, novel entertainment for young innocents.

[BEagle]

Since the wind in that art of the world goes Siberia - North Sea - Lincolnshire with barely a pause, the 'exceptionally warm' March of 1957 probably meant that it might have reached 40 deg F at some stage.

I reckon your first post was probably quite accurate, Arters!

But the biggest chill to hit 1957 was that infamous Defence White Paper from which the RAF and the UK aviation industry has never recovered.

[Akrotiri bad boy]

Two classic statements from DI Sgt Rose, Halton, early '80's.

The parade formed up in blocks to march down to the sheds. Some hairy ar^*ed SAC decided to pass a knot of wind whilst on parade.
Rosie: "Who's that!",
a voice squeaked; "Please Sgt it was Block 110";
Rosie;"Block 110 is an inaminate object, it cannot fart, I WANT A NAME!"

Standing in front of a baby rigger who hadn't yet mastered the black art of beret shaping Rosie bellowed; "Station Standing Orders clearly stipulate that kitbags are not to be worn on the head!"

[SASless]

Big Tudor....

Yes...I admit to taking some poetic license there....did not recall the other Marines name....but the story is true. Told to me by Charlie himself over a few cold rum things after some night diving at Subic Bay. Knowing Charlie like I do....the only casualty was the sawdust pit and more than a little of his "face". I near about fell off the boat laughing....one could hear the rope whizzing through the carabiner and could imagine the laundry flapping in the breeze on the way down......and no brakes at the bottom exept that provided by Paris Island. It would have killed anything less than a USMC Drill Instructor.:ok:

[soddim]

South Cerney 1962 - drill sergeant addressing new course of Officer Cadets:

"Gentlemen, I will call you 'Sir', you will call me 'Sergeant'. The difference is you will mean it.

[ACW418]

Soddim,

When in 1962? I was there September to December. (178 Course?) Sad old git to remember the course number.

ACW

Just remembered DI's name FS Jim Maunder

[KM-H]

Akrotiri,

I wonder if that was the same DI Sgt Rose that was at Swinderby in the late 70's. On my intake he was partnered by one Cpl Dick Eccle(S?).

If it was, the Sgt Rose I recall getting a v. severe bollo off one day was stocky but quite short - I was 6' 4'' at the time, and yes, I made the mistake of looking down. Definitely not the right thing to do!

After the proverbial tearing off a strip, while I gazed ahead at the picturesque Lincolnshire landscape over his head he stormed down the line, to be replaced at my eye level by Cpl Eccle who quietly suggested I remove the smile that was beginning to spread from side to side.

Ah, Happy Days:ok:

[soddim]

ACW418,

Just a little bit after you - 179 course. We got the desperate winter snows on the way back after Christmas leave.

[Dark Helmet]

AkrotiriBadBoy and KM-H,

You have just reminded of Sgt Rose! He was the DI during my Fitters course in '82 (maybe 81). Being hairy ar**d SACs we knew how to play the game and had some great fun. Even if we ended up in the kitchens for jankers it was somehow worth it!

I once ended up alone with him in some NAFFI break area and, after he had removed his cap, we had a long chat about life and the universe etc. Nice guy.

[ExGrunt]

With the whole academy on parade the AcSM, WO 1 Cleary delivered this:


http://www.soldiermagazine.co.uk/images/article_images/aglry489s001.jpg

AcSM: C/Sgt - Back row, lock that man away!

Rapid click click click of ammo boots on tarmac. Halts behind some cowering Ocdt.

C/Sgt: This one, Sir?

AcSM: NO, but he'll do.

On another occasion - Welsh Guards C/Sgt on Church Parade, boomed across the RMAS chapel:

C/Sgt: Mr xxx, Get your f@cking hat off in the House of the Lord, Sir.

[Akrotiri bad boy]

Dark H

You're quite right about Rosie. He was very much like a dog, bark's much worse etc; when he wasn't growling at you he'd be asleep in the sun outside Block 110. Whilst on Fitters course in '83 remember getting a good growling at about long hair, despite having less hair than Bruce Willis, when I explained I was strapped for cash Rosie barked "Get off my parade square and get down to the barber's", (remember it at the side of the guard room?) Rosie doubled me down there, although he was some way behind I could quite clearly understand what he was saying. Once there, Rosie enters with me, takes his cap off and says "I'll pay for this one, he'll settle up later" Behind all that bullsh1t there really was a decent fella.

I think he had a side-kick/bag carrier name of Jez something.

[typhootea]

St Mawgan 1982, Jaguar Sqdn det from Bruggen, gang of typical squadron lineys walking out of the mess making their way back to the Landrover to get back to work.

Andy H has the old green waterproof jacket on and his beret tucked firmly in the pocket for the short stroll to the wagon and hsi spotted by the SWO.

"Airman where's your f*****g hat?"

"In my pocket Sir" comes Andy's reply...

"Why isn't it on your head then lad?" replies the SWO

"Can't get my head in my pocket Sir" comes the reply from Andy....

Que the hairdryer from SWO followed by a one way conversation to all of us!!

God how I laughed though......

[rigger468]

Sgt Rose was a decent bloke albeit he wrote off my mates Marina one night at the phonebox opposite Kermit Hall and condemned the two of us to making the journey back to Bath in my mates cousins Daf Variomatic for the rest of our time at Halton. Why people thought the RAC would send 2 of its finest on patrol in that particular vehicle is beyond me!

The image of Rosie conducting the Wendover Choral Societys carol singers in the Red Lion always raises a smile almost as much as the sight of him propped against his front door as we beat a hasty retreat back to the block.

He had several sidekicks while we were there but Mcgrath and Jones are 2 names I remember.

Cpl Jones was famous as the man who, on reaching the bottom of the hill after lunch one day and discovering that the brakes on his bike weren't working, ploughed into a convenient group of apprenti to assist in arresting his progress. Briefcases and raincoats everywhere!

[safe single]

IOT back in mid 90s during a block inspection of no 1 mess, as cse ldr I'm sure I'd done something wrong, but can't remember exactly what. Geordie F/S walks over to me,

'come here Miss SS and give me a hug'

'why F/S?'

'cos you're in the sh@t'

I did, and I was..... sigh, happy days!

[Rionart]

Rosie, Jones and Gerry "Don't call me Scarface" McGrath......wow, names from the past....
Then there was Murray Robertson....now there was a nasty piece of work....definate sadistic tendancies towards the poor Appo's....I know...I was the target of his wrath quite a few times....
but one sweet moment was seeing his beloved MGB on the far side of the new speed bump....at the end of a trail of castrol, having forgotton about said bump and hit it at a fair rate of knots, leaving a lovely MGB sump shaped scar in the tarmac....:E

[Jobza Guddun]

Rionart,

Murray Robertson was the SWO at Lousymouth in the mid-90's. I'm sure he was the SWO of the infamous "****-on-the-end-of-my-stick" legend!

[TwoDeadDogs]

Hi all
This really brings back memories......A drill sergeant utters, in broad Dublinese, to a platoon of apprentices, without apparently drawing breath, " Faaaaaaaaaaaallllllllll Iiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnn,, getttitogetheryouzepeople!!! StaaaaaaaaaaaandddddStiiiiiiiilllllll!!!!!!! Stop twitching!!! Areyoua*******spastic?! I said stoptwitching!!! Whatareyoulookingaaaaaat!!! Areyoua*******homo*******sexual!!!
Doyou*******fancymeorsomething??!!! If youzelookameagain, I'llshovethatFNupyerhole.......and on it went.
Incidentally, is it compulsory for all drill NCOs to have a moustache?
regards
TDD

[jayteeto]

FS George Donaldson was a star!! Cosford 1980 and a 16 year old jayteeto is on a massive station parade with a new hairstyle!! He spotted me and sprinted over bursting with rage. "Whats that in your hair?" "Highlights Flight".
He recognised my accent and said "Are you from Newcastle?", "Yes Flight", he shook his head, looked at the ground and growled "My wife is from Newcastle and I thought that geordies were men!!"
I had to buy hair dye and get it back to normal that day..... He didn't charge me though.....

[FJJP]

Oh dear, Beages - the memory is definitely going saggy these days.

The wind in that part of the world goes Siberia - DENMARK - North Sea - Lincolnshire...

And you know the Danes just LOVE their wind farms! [Opening for facetious comment about the mountains on Denmark]

Fond [and frozen] memories standing in hockey goal in mid-January on North Coates airfield!

[typhootea]

WO Overall (Joe Denims as we called him at Lossie in the late 70's early 80's) and Murray Robertson, two SWOs from Lossie who will stick in my mind for a very long time!

I can remember a tale (probably folklore but hey) told few years ago of an airman on Jankers who was given the job of watering the flowers at Leuchars on the roundabout by the main gate (the one that had the Spitfire mounted on it). Later on in the day the flowers weren't watered and it was chucking it down. Enter SWO...

"Thought you were detailed to water the flowers lad?"

"I was Sir but it's raining outside" replies pathetic looking airman

"Well you've got a bloody raincoat lad, get on with it!!!".....came SWO's reply

[MightyGem]

"Gentlemen, I will call you 'Sir', you will call me 'Sergeant'. The difference is you will mean it.
Ahh...my dad used to tell me how he told his officers that at Sandhurst, back in 1956.

[mary_hinge]

The Halton D.Is, Rosie, Jones and Gerry. In the early 80s I recall the trio had a “bag-carrier” under the Name of Cpl Tyrell, stood at about 5 foot nothing, favourite drawl to the SACs was a screeching you-laddie!

The hill at Swinderby! If you stood with your back to the Hangars, facing towards the ATC building, the “hill” would have been around the 11 O’clock position
:eek:

[Curtis E Carr]

Aaaaagh! AcSM Cleary. I recall him giving us a brief in the Concrete Sleeping Bag (otherwise known as the Churchill Hall) just prior to the Sovereign's Parade as to what would happen in the event of inclement weather.

(In heavy Irish accent) "Well Gentlemen, der wet wedder programme is (pause.........) yer get wet!!"

[Blacksheep]

We were practising for Sir Winston Churchill's funeral.
http://homepages.tesco.net/~john.dillon1/images/Churchill_comp.jpg

He was still alive at the time.

SWO has the whole gang gathered on Maitland Square, including all the Wing Officers and NCOs, and announces:

"You've all read in the paper that Sir Winston's condition is improving. Well it isn't! We're still practising and anyone what puts a foot wrong this time goes with him. Understand?".

[Rossian]

Not quite sure how I missed this thread.
May 1963 Cirencester railway stop(not really a station).. peeing with rain, several young chaps in automill , bus pulls up at far end of staion yard, man on step shouts "come along gentlemen I'm getting f***ing wet 'ere". Bloke beside me whimpered quietly, picked up his bags and got back on the train. Having established that there was one missing aforementioned Sgt Ned Sparkes goes off to train to havea word but comes back alone. For the next 4 months that guy disappeared into the blur of IOT. but many times since I've wondered; what did he say when he went home? and where is he now?

At that time there were Iraqi cadets there who had been to IOT a few years before but, subsequent to a coup were withdrawn and were sent to Russia to continue their training; and now , subsequent to another coup(Saddam???) came back to UK. They were fairly hard men and after decking their flt.cdr. D Melaniphy(sp) one morning, were all put on restrictions. Me and my mate were also on restrictions and at the 1700 drill session under the eagle eye of WO Wadman we were rapidly sidelined as at double speed we were all over the hangar but the Iraqis were as one man. " I'm going to break them" he said "if it f***ing kills me"
After 45 mins WO purple with rage and they are still as one man. Apparenly that had been the normal drill speed in Russia and as they understood as much Russian as they understood English they just did their own thing BUT together. And now happily from retirement I look back and wonder What became of them?? Did any of them look back from 1991 to 1963 and reflect wistfully about their time in Gloucestershire and who they might be facing??
Ancient Mariner

[RileyDove]

Marching down to the New Workshops at Halton in 1989. A D.I spots an errant airman and unable to name him shouts 'You -yes you in the blue' Hundreds of airmen grind to a halt and turn round blankly!

[Clockwork Mouse]

Not on parade, but...

The circuit at Middle Wallop, summer in late 1960s, student pilots doing interminable solo circuits, FW left, RW right.

Drawled radio transmission without callsign: "Christ I'm bored".

Outraged response: "WHO SAID THAT? Aircraft that just transmitted, identify yourself! This is the CFI".

Pause. Drawled transmission: "Not THAT bored".

[Mr C Hinecap]

Some favourites of mine - uttered by the CWO at Cranwell, mid-90s. All uttered in a strong, shouted Scottish way:

"Is your name Head? Richard Head? Dick Head? Is that you? There's always one!"

"Bend and drive, laddie, bend and drive"

"I feel a parade coming on - open the doors"

[g126]

Mid Parade:

SGT:"What would you do if a bird shat on your head now son?"
Unsuspecting Cdt: "Nothing, Sgt."
SGT:"I'd ditch her"

[Twonston Pickle]

Slight variation on one already mentioned here:

Recruit: Sarge.

Sgt: Sarge, F**king Sarge! There are only 3 "sarges in this world: mas-sarge, Sau-sarge and Pas-sarge. If you call me Sarge again, I'll mas-sarge your pas-sarge with my Sau-sarge! Understood?

[nutcracker43]

Time; Apr 65
Place: RAF South Cerney


Our DS the inimitable Sgt S***** (he who had to use the F word at least twice in any sentence) berating one of the flight for alleged sloppiness. Object of his ire was a certain New Zealander and the good Sgt S***** was not known for his sympathy of 'colonials', of which there were quite a few. The 'colonials' happened to be in the same line, one one either side of our NZ friend, and happened to be smiling at the good Sgt's use of the English language. 'Who's that gormless c*** standing next to you then Bloggs?' bellowed our DS. 'Why, you Sgt' replied our friend. Running round the peri track twice plus 'strickers' and extra marching that afternoon was a small price to pay.

Funny old thing but he always used to ask the 'colonials' to babysit for him and his wife when they went out. He was pretty generous with the beer and Mrs S always provided one with a good spread.

[glum]

"You are a bag of sh*t airmen. Get off my parade square, and I want you to run so fast your f*cking arms break!"

I always wondered how fast that would have to be...

"Are you cold?"

"Yes staff."

"See that fence?"

"Yes staff."

"F8cking run to it and back here then. That'll warm you up."

I've never been cold since...

[Gainesy]

and Mrs S always provided one with a good spread. :E :uhoh:

...how very sporting of the lady.:)

[bwfg3]

Early 1980's in Depot Para :

" Private xxx did you iron that shirt?"
" YES CORPORAL "
" I agree, it must have taken you hours to iron all of those creases into it !! "

Same course, day one, PTI addresses lads:

"Bloggs where are you from?"
"Newcastle corporal"
Smug look from PTI : "That would make you a Geordie"
" And you, where are you from?"
" London corporal"
PTI puffs himself up: " that means you are a cockney"
" And I'm from Manchester, do you know what I am?"
Keen soldier shouts loudly: " Manky corporal"

[Pierre Argh]

Not quite the same as the above... but Parade related anyway. Senior Officer is inspecting the ship's company. Marching along between the ranks he pauses in front of one Matelot... "And how long have you been onboard the ship?" he asks...

"Not as long as the sausages have Sir" was the brilliant, but perhaps out-of-place reply.

[LFittNI]

RAF Locking, Winter 1965:-

Our Flight, attempting to march over snow and ice, collapses like ten-pins as the ranks slide about.

Sgt. DI: "What the f*ck are you all doing, prancing about like the f*cking HIROSHIMA GROUND ZERO GLEE CLUB!"

Priceless.

[BattlerBritain]

RAF Locking, 1983-ish

Newly posted in Chief-Tech wants to flex his muscles and larynx, so he orders a drill parade.

Duly formed-up sim-techs greet this with much enthusiasm.

After half-an-hours marching-up-and-down-a-bit the Chief realises we aren't really interested in this.

He launches into a tirade along the lines of "..You shower of sh***. I practise my drill every night and I press my trousers every night and I bull my shoes every night, blah, blah, blah..."

At which point a voice from the back says "I bet he drinks Carling Black Label", at which point the entire assembled mass descends into complete hysterical laughter, complete with dead-bug impersonations.

Stunned Chiefy is left open-mouthed and speechless as he thinks it's because of what he's said.

For some reason we never saw him again.

[AvQuack is PONDering]

Sticky Green to a bunch of URNU types at the beginning of their first drill lesson: 'Your arse is grass and I'm your £**king lawn mower!'

Mary Whitehouse at BRNC yelling across the parade ground to someone who can't get their arms far enough back: 'In the rear with the gear!'

[aytoo]

Lovely thread! That's the trouble with nostalgia these days - it's not what it used to be.

A couple of oldies:

CSM: What's wrong with that belt laddie?

Pte: It's frayed sir

CSM: It's 'Fraid of f***ing blanco!


And the RSM describing his theory on methods of instruction to the hofficers:

It's perfectly simple gentlemen. First, you tells the soldiers what it is you are about to tell them. Then you tells them. Then you tells them what it is you 'ave just told them.

[BigginAgain]

First, you tells the soldiers what it is you are about to tell them. Then you tells them. Then you tells them what it is you 'ave just told them.

Blimey, I think that's the whole BIT Course in 3 sentences. Why don't we just point struccies at this thread and close Halton?

;)

BA