View Full Version : This is the Pilates of your A380

23rd Jan 2005, 14:41
The new Airbus, unveiled last week, will transform air travel. Passengers may be able to enjoy the facilities of a purpose-built gym on Virgin flights.

"Ladies and gentlemen, Captain Guy Holmes-Place and his crew would like to welcome you on board this Airbus today. Our estimated flying time to New York will be six hours and 46 minutes which will be a new personal best. Please pay attention while the cabin staff demonstrate the safety features of this aircraft. If, for any reason, you should need to swivel your torso or to stand on one leg while holding your other foot behind you, there are full-length mirrors located on either side of the aircraft. These are now being indicated by cabin staff. We do ask you, at this time, to take a moment to study the leaflet on how to lace up your trainers correctly.

As we are preparing for take-off, please refrain from flexing until we are fully airborne and the captain has switched off the No Flexing sign. You are reminded that T'ai Chi is not permitted in the toilets at any time."

"Good morning everybody, Guy Holmes-Place speaking. Just before we taxi to our take-off position you may like to look out and see my chief engineer Jeremy Fitton using the stairs up to the flight deck for his stepping exercises. He has gone up those stairs 56 times. Good show, Jeremy. Now if you would all return your sit-ups to the upright position we shall be shortly taking off. "

"This is Debbie, your senior stewardess. The captain has switched off the No Flexing sign so you may now do pull-ups while clinging to the overhead lockers. If you are using the showers we do ask you not to use anti-dandruff shampoo as it may interfere with the on-board instruments."

"Gavin here. I'm the assistant senior steward. We'll shortly be coming through with complimentary energy drinks, so we do ask gentlemen not to parade damply in the aisle wearing only a very small towel round their waist as this could impede the progress of the trolley. In the unlikely event of a serious hair emergency, hair-dryers will drop automatically from the overhead compartments. Remain calm and aim the dryer at your hair in the normal way."

"If there is a Pilates instructor on board would he please make himself known to a member of the cabin staff."

"Guy Holmes-Place here again. We have now reached our cruising altitude of 38,000ft, so I thought I would tell you a little about our flight today. The conditions are ideal and the weather ahead is fine, my lung capacity is excellent, pulse rate good and abs described as absolutely fantastic. If we do experience some turbulence later on it will be due to us doing some routine kick-boxing here on the flight deck. Our in-flight film today is Chariots of Fire."

"Fffffwwweurgh. This is Gavin, just exhaling noisily and loosely shaking my legs in turn so that the undersides of the thighs wobble."

"Hello there. Guy Holmes-Place again. Passengers on the starboard side, if you look across to the port side you should be able to see a man in Row 103 hitting the pain barrier. It's a pretty impressive sight."

"Ladies and gentlemen, this is Debbie. I shall shortly be jogging up and down the cabin carrying a rucksack filled with duty free items. These are not for sale, but just for the added weight."

"As we shall shortly be landing in New York we would ask you to return to your rowing machines and exercise bikes, to stow all weights beneath the seats and not in the overhead lockers and once again to observe the No Flexing sign."

"Doors to manual. Cabin crew to lotus position."

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