Aviation Anecdotes Anonymous

[Texdoc]

I'll start: (I have hundreds)

YOU CANNOT PROPEL YOURSELF FORWARD BY PATTING YOURSELF ON THE BACK.

MOTHER NATURE DOESN'T CARE ABOUT MONEY, LAWYERS, FAME OR CONNECTIONS.
THE LAWS OF GRAVITY ARE STILL STRICTLY ENFORCED!!

WE ALL START OUT WITH TWO BAGS. ONE IS A BAG FULL OF LUCK AND THE OTHER IS AN EMPTY BAG OF EXPERIENCE. THE TRICK IS TO FILL THE BAG OF EXPERIENCE BEFORE YOU EMPTY THE BAG OF LUCK.

BY THREE METHODS WE MAY LEARN WISDOM:
FIRST, BY REFLECTION, WHICH IS NOBLEST;
SECOND, BY IMITATION, WHICH IS EASIEST;
AND THIRD BY EXPERIENCE, WHICH IS THE BITTEREST.
--CONFUCIUS

WHILE STILL A YOUNG CHILD, I TOLD MY PARENTS THAT WHEN I GREW UP I WANTED TO FLY; BUT NOW I REALIZE I CAN'T DO BOTH.

THE GROUND DOES NOT KNOW YOU ARE AN EXPERT.

IF YOU'RE FACED WITH A FORCED LANDING, FLY THE THING AS FAR INTO THE CRASH AS POSSIBLE.
--BOB HOOVER

Whose next ?


:E

[MightyGem]

Thanks, but please don't SHOUT.

[Nigerian Expat Outlaw]

There are many old pilots. There are many bold pilots. There are very few old, bold pilots.

Will that do ??:ok:

[Whirlygig]

An optimist is a helicopter pilot who smokes and thinks they're goning to die of lung cancer!

Cheers

W

...and I've gotta whole bag load of these!

[Flingwing207]

Aircraft recognition:
If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -- either way, it's unsafe.

Cyclic:
If you push the cyclic left, the helicopter goes left.
If you push the cyclic right, the helicopter goes right.
That is, unless you keep pushing the cyclic all the way right, then you will probably go left while the helicopter swaps ends.

Collective:
If you push the collective down the houses get bigger. If you pull the collective up they get smaller. That is, unless you pull the collective all the way up, then they get bigger again.

Crashing:
Remember flying isn't inherently dangerous...crashing is.

The ground:
It's always better to be on the ground wishing you were in the air than in the air wishing you were on the ground.

Fuel:
The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.

The rotor system:
The rotors are just big fans used to keep the pilot cool and his butt relaxed. If in doubt, watch. When they slow down you can actually see the pilot start sweating and pucker marks appear on the seat.

Altitude:
When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky.

Landings:
A 'good' landing is one you can walk away from.
A 'great' landing is one you can walk away from and use the helicopter again.

Getting busted:
They can't bust you if you're not there.

Mistakes:
Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.

Parts:
If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to.

Ideas:
Never run out of altitude, power and ideas at the same time

Disappointment:
A helicopter may disappoint any pilot but it'll never surprise a good one

Power:
When power is sparse, the probability of survival is inversely proportional to the rate of descent. Large rate of descent, small probability of survival and vice versa.

Your Brain:
Never let a helicopter take you somewhere your brain didn't go five seconds earlier.

Fog:
Stay out of fog. The single red light you think is a cell phone tower might be the starboard light of a docked boat.

Geometry:
Helicopters are a collection of parts flying in relatively close formation while all rotating around different axis. This arrangement works work well until one of the parts breaks formation.

Parking:
Always try to keep the number of times you park the helicopter equal to the number of times you've flown it.

The canopy:
If all you can see through your canopy is the direction you were previously traveling intermingled with sparks, and all you can hear is commotion from the passenger flying left seat, things are not at all as they should be.

Other Objects:
In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminum and Plexiglass going dozens of miles per hour, and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose. Same holds for trees, water, buildings and larger animals. Draws don't count.

Judgment:
Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, experience usually comes from bad judgment.

Going Forward:
It's always a good idea to keep the transparent end going forward as much as possible.

Looking:
Keep looking around. There's always something you've missed.

Laws:
Remember, gravity and centrifugal force are not just good ideas.
They're laws not subject to repeal.

Hovering:
Hovering is for people who love to fly but have noplace to go.

Opinions:
Ask 6 helicopter pilots a question, and you're sure to get at least 7 different opinions.

[SASless]

Always show up on time for a takeoff....and never argue with the Chief Pilot.

Captain Hypen Smythe....Eket....1995

[ambidextrous]

Will this do?,
1) The least experienced press on whilst the more experienced turn back to join the most experienced who never left the ground in the first place.
2) You meet three types of people in the rotary-wing business & collectively(?) they come under the "three M's" i.e. Missionaries, Mercenaries & Misfits.
with fraternal greetings, ambi

[Texdoc]

Some good ones I have not seen. Here are a couple more (technically, Mightygem it was not me who was shouting but the voice of ages :ok: )

"Flying is the second greatest thrill known to man. Landing is the first."

"The emergencies we train for almost never happen, it is the one we didn't train for that will kill you."

"Never test the depth of water with both feet."

"Being ambivalent in the air is a great recipe for trouble."

"Work is for people who do not fly."

"Gravity never loses, the best we can hope for is a tie."

"Just remember if you crash because of weather, your funeral will be held on a sunny day."

"The probability of surviving a crash is equal to the angle of arrival."

"You know you have landed with the wheels up when it takes full power to taxi."

"A helicopter is a collection of rotating parts going round and round, reciprocating parts going up, down and side to side, all of them trying to become random in motion."

"Any attmept to stretch fuel is guarunteed to increase headwind."

"Pilots are quite capable of feelings such as love, affection and caring. Unfortunately they just do not involve anybody else."

"You have never really been lost until you are lost at Mach 3."

Of course I have never actually been lost, geographically misplaced a few times, but never lost.

:D

[helmet fire]

Don't wipe your bum with broken bottles

Reality is for those who cannot handle their drugs

:}

[SASless]

Rehab is for quitters.

Never squat with your spurs on.

Always drink upstream from the herd.

Never fly the "A" model of anything.

Never fly a helicopter with rusty pedals.

Shiny switches "on" or "forward"....rusty switches "off" or "back".

Most common last words of a young pilot...."Hey...watch this!"



For Ambi....

Airspeed Alive!;)

[Nigerian Expat Outlaw]

SAS, You seem a little bitter ?!! Anyawy............

"Always land the aircraft you took off in"

Any good ? I know it's not as good as my first post, but it does make sense:ok:

[SASless]

Bitter?

Nay mate...am in Top form....bare foot...ice tea in hand...good scarf done....new bossfellah back on the job for four more....polls in Iraq show potential 80% turnout for the coming election...oil prices up...politicians telling me they are going to "fix" social security before I retire...13 year old pickup truck in the driveway...girlfriend is in a snit....only job I can find is as a Contract Pilot for Air Log in the Gulf.....farm tractor has a flat drive tire....nay Man! Life is great!

But reading Ambi's post drew a smile....wry wit he!

[helidriver]

There is a cracking book full of these and more. The details are as follows:

Slipping the Surly Bonds by Dave English. Published by McGraw-Hill. ISBN 0-07-022016-6.

I thouroughly recommend it, oh and by the way i'm a pilot not a book seller!:ok:

[Attila]

How about these?

1. A good pilot is one with the same number of landings as take-offs.

2. Never fly in the same cockpit as someone braver than yourself.

Finally, from a Naval fixed wing carrier pilot -

3. Flaring to land is like squatting to pee!!

[419]

Never forget that your co-pilot in this job, might be your chief pilot in your next job.

Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier

It's better to die peacefully in your sleep, rather than screaming like your passengers.

[ambidextrous]

Hither I came in haste to Sh-t,
But found such excrements of wit,
That I to show my skill in verse,
Had scarcely time to wipe my Ar-e!

[tommacklin]

During a Constant Attitude EOL, don't use your instruments to help you decide when to raise the collective, raise it after your bum bites the first button off the seat cushion, and before it bites the second!

[ambidextrous]

From a former 'Red Devil': British Army free-fall parachute display team to those wearing berets of a different hue!
"When the people look like ants it's time to pull, when the ants look like people, forget it!"

SASless: does this mean I'm now in rehab?

[902Jon]

Heard from a (now retitred) Bristow Training Captain

CRM - you`re the Crew
the aircrafts the Resource
and I`m the Management, now get in and lets fly.

[SASless]

Heard at the Sunderland Parachute Club....

The difference between a comedy and a tragedy is a comedy is you having a malfunction and a tragedy is me having one.



No Ambi...you are not in rehab.....yer not a quitter!

[diethelm]

If it flys, floats, or f@#*ks, rent it, don't buy it!

[FC1]

Assumption is the mother of all f~@* ups!

[Cylinder Head]

My two favourites:-

You can't negotiate with sunset!

If power is limited, and plan A is no good, make sure you have a plan B and then a plan C for when plan B doesn't work. If there is no creditable plan C, don't go there!

CH

[Impress to inflate]

Never eat yellow snow

[Agaricus bisporus]

A mother's advice.

Be safe son, fly real low and slow...

[Agaricus bisporus]

It's clearly more sensible to stop and then try to land than it is to land and then try to stop.

If operating an aircraft is "flying" then what do boat drivers do? Swim?

At 100 hours a pilot thinks he knows it all.
At 500 hours a pilot knows he knows it all.
At 5000 hours he knows he'll never know it all.

[SASless]

Crash in Bad Weather.....Be Buried in Good!

[Thax]

The helicopter .... a triumph of engineering over common sense.