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Astrodome
9th Dec 2004, 22:45
Fresh from her shower, a woman stands in front of the mirror, complaining to her husband that her breasts are too small.

Instead of characteristically telling her it's not so, the husband uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."

Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts.

"How long will this take?", she asks.

"They'll grow larger over a period of years", he replies.

The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years?"

"Worked for your arse, didn't it?"

aged
9th Dec 2004, 23:00
From the New York Times, 28th of May

American man 'gets' irony

Jay Fullmer, 38, yesterday became the first American to get to grips with
the concept of irony. "It was weird" Fullmer said.
"I was in London and like, talking to this guy and it was raining and
he pulled a face and said, "Great weather eh?" and I thought -
"Wait a minute, no way is it great weather".

Fullmer then realised that the other man's 'mistake' was in fact
deliberate.
Fullmer, who is 39 next month and married with two children, aged 8 and 3,
plans to use irony himself in future. "I'm, like, using it all the time" he
said. "Last weekend I was grilling steaks and I burned them and I said
"Hey, great weather."

EGCC4284
10th Dec 2004, 00:45
A man is lying in bed in the hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth.

A young nurse appears to sponge his hands and feet. "Nurse", he mumbles
from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I dont' know, I'm only here to
wash your hands and feet."

He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"

Finally, she pulls back the covers, raises his gown, holds his willy in
one hand and his testicles in her other hand and takes a close look and
says, "there's nothing wrong with them!"

Finally, the man pulls of his oxygen mask and replies, "that was very
nice but, are...my...test...results...back?"

Vortex what...ouch!
10th Dec 2004, 00:48
One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.
Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." I said "WHAT????!!!
What was that?!" So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear..."You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?" Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her 'we'll just buy them all'. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said 'lets get a pair for each outfit'. We went onto the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier." I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it." Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled "WHAT???!!!" I then said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having s*x tonight either....

aged
10th Dec 2004, 05:08
An Australian woman was having a shower and slipped over on the bathroom floor.
Instead of slipping over forwards or backwards, she slipped sideways, did the splits and suctioned herself to the floor.
She yelled out for her husband Jacko.
"Jacko! Jacko!" she yelled.
Jacko came running in.
"Jacko, I've bloody suctioned myself to the floor" she said.
"Strewth!" Jacko said and tried to pull her up. "You're just too heavy girl. I'll go across the road and get Bluey" (his mate).
They came back and they both tried to pull her up.
"No way. We can't do it" Bluey said "Lets try Plan C"
"Plan C?" exclaimed Jacko. "What's that"?
"I'll go home and get my hammer and chisel and we'll break the tiles under her"
"Spot on" Jacko said. "While your doing that, I'll stay here and play with her t*ts"
"Play with her t*ts"? Bluey said, "Why the hell would you want to do that"?
Jacko replied "Well, I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles aren't so expensive."

airhead10
10th Dec 2004, 06:57
The Twelve days of Christmas.....Adult version.

14th December.
Dear Darling John,
I went to the door today, and the postman delivered
“A Partridge in a Pear Tree”.
What a delightful gift. Thank you my darling for the lovely thought!.
With deep love and affection you’re ever loving.
Agnes

15th December.
Dearest John,
Today the postman brought your sweet gift. “Two Turtle Doves”. I’m delighted they are adorable.
All my love.
Agnes

16th December
Dear John,
Oh how extravagant you are!. I really must protest.
I don’t deserve such generosity. “Three French Hens”
I insist you are too kind.
You’re loving.
Agnes.

17th December
Dear John,
What can I say, “Four Beautiful Calling Birds”
Arrived with the postman this morning. Your kindness is really too much.
Love
Agnes

18th December
Dear John,
What a surprise! Today the postman delivered “Five Gold Rings”
One for each finger. You really are an impossible boy, but I love you.
Frankly all the birds are beginning to squawk and get on my nerves.
You’re ever loving.
Agnes

19th December
Dear John,
When I opened the door this morning, there were “Six Bloody Great Geese”, laying eggs all over the front step. What on earth do you think I can do with them all?
The neighbours are starting to complain about the smell, and I can’t get to sleep, because of the noise.
Please stop.
Agnes

20th December
John,
What is it with you and these sodding birds? Now I get “Seven Swans A Swimming”.
Is this some kind of dammed joke?
The house is full of bird sh*t and the bloody racket…..
I’m becoming a nervous wreck, so it’s not funny anymore!
STOP SENDING BLOODY BIRDS.
Agnes

21st December
OK Buster,
I think I prefer the f**king birds.
What the hell am I going to do with “Eight Maids a Milking”
If it’s not enough with all the bloody birds, now I have eight cows sh*ting all over the place and mooing all night.
Layoff !
Agnes

22nd December
Look Cra* Head,
What are you, some sort of nut? Now I have “Nine Pipers Piping”. And Christ do they play!. When they aren’t playing their sodding pipes, they keep chasing the maids through the cow sh*t. And the cows keep mooing all night and treading all over the birds and the neighbours are threatening to have me evicted.
Get knotted
Agnes

23rd December
You rotten Basta*d,
Now we have “Ten Ladies Dancing”.
How on earth anyone can call them whores, ladies, is beyond me!. They’re pulling the pipers all night long; the cows can’t sleep and have diarrhoea. My living room is a sea of sh*t and the landlord has just declared the building unfit for human habitation.
Pi*s Off
Agnes

24th December
Listen Sh*tface,
What with “Eleven Lords a Leaping” all over the maids, they shall never walk again!. The Pipers are fighting the Lords for the crumpet, and committing sodomy with the cows. The birds are all dead and rotting, having been trampled to death during the orgy. I hope you’re satisfied you swine.
Your sworn enemy,
Agnes

25Th December
You lousy, stinking sh*t,
“Twelve Drummers Drumming”, have teamed up with the Pipers and are making one hell of a din.
Both lots have been bu99ering the Lords as well as the cows, and Christ knows what happened to the MilkMaids, they’ve probably drowned in the cow sh*t by now.
The only way I have saved myself from getting screwed to death is by hiding up the sodding pear tree which has been so well fertilised, that it has now grown through the roof.
I send you seasonal greetings.
You complete and utter fu*king barst*rd.
Agnes

Biggles Flies Undone
10th Dec 2004, 08:40
Dyslexic Cinderella

Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion.

Rindercella worked very hard - frubbing scloors, emptying poss pits, and shivelling shot. At the end of the day she was nucking fackered. The sugly isters were right bugly astards. One was called Mary Hinge, and the other was called Betty Swollocks. They were really forrible huckers, and had fetty sweet and fetty swannies. The sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball, but the cotton runts wouldn't let Rindercella go.

Suddenly there was a bucking fang and her gairy fodmother appeared. Her name was Shairy Hithole, and she was a light rucking fesbian. She turned a pumpkin and six mite whice into a hucking cuge farriage with six dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and dig bicks. The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnight otherwise there would be a cucking falamity.

At the ball Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when suddenly the clock struck twelve. "Miste all chucking frighty!" said Rindercella, and she ran out tripping barse over ollocks, so dropping her slass glipper. Next day the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella's door and the sugly isters let him in. Suddenly Betty Swollocks lifted her leg and let off a fig bart. "Who's fust jarted?" asked the prandsome hince. "Blame that fugly ucker over there" said Mary Hinge. When the stinking brown cloud had lifted, the prandsome hince tried the slass glipper on both the sugly isters without success. Their feet stucking funk. Betty Swollocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a nack in the kickers. This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge halls and a hig bard on.

He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking ferfectly.

Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married. The hince lived his life in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived hers with a follen swanny. And they all lived happily ever after.

allan907
10th Dec 2004, 10:49
Hesus Jucking Fell - that last one plays havoc with the Microsoft chell specker

Standard Noise
10th Dec 2004, 11:49
Got sent this one this morning.......

A woman goes to her doctor with a bit of lettuce hanging out of her fanny. The doctor says to her "that looks nasty."
"Nasty," she says, "it's just the tip of the f*ckin' iceberg!"

BALIX
10th Dec 2004, 13:59
BFU

Ho ho hucking fo! I laughed so much I nearly missed piself. Brilli bloodiant :} :} :ok:

Jordan D
10th Dec 2004, 15:51
Its short sweet and simple:

What's got four legs and no ears?

Mike Tyson's pet dog.


I'll get my coat ....

Jordan

scraglad
10th Dec 2004, 16:46
A guy walk's into a bar and said, "OUCH"


It was a steel bar!!


ok,im going :uhoh:

Vox Populi
10th Dec 2004, 18:11
Blatantly stolen from Tantamount, who posted this on Camp Fire - but thought it was worthy of a wider audience...




I had eighteen bottles of whiskey in my cellar and was told by my wife to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, or else... I said I would and proceeded with the unpleasant task.



I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink with the exception of one glass, which I drank.



I then withdrew the cork from the second bottle and did likewise with it, with the exception of one glass, which I drank.



I then withdrew the cork from the third bottle and poured the whiskey down the sink, which I drank.



I pulled the cork from the fourth bottle down the sink and poured the bottle down the glass, which I drank.



I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next and drank one sink out of it, and threw the rest down the glass.



I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork down the bottle. Then I corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink, and drank the pour.



When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted the glasses, corks, bottles, and sinks with the other, which were twenty-nine, and as the houses came by, I counted them again, and finally I had all the houses in one bottle, which I drank.



I'm not under the affluence of incolhol as some tinkle peep I am. I'm not half as thunk as you might drink. I foos so feelish I don't know who is me, and the drunker I stand here, the longer I get.

Vlad the Impaler
10th Dec 2004, 21:24
This joke carries a bad taste warning

A woman is lying on a bed in the delivery room. She is huffing and puffing, shouting and cursing as she finally gives birth after an eight hour labour.
After the last push, the midwife catches the baby and cuts the cord. She throws the baby to the consultant who swifly opens the window and kicks the baby out of the second floor delivery suite window.
The mother begins to scream with horror.

The consultant and the midwife fall about laughing.

"April fool, still born"

Blacksheep
12th Dec 2004, 19:29
A two liner....

70% of Liverpool men have sex in the shower.

The other 30% haven't been to prison yet...











Scousers who don't like it can get onto Cilla Black. She told it on the telly earlier this evening...

DishMan
14th Dec 2004, 10:49
Some boy rules:

01: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella, unless at the footy, and your pies are getting wet, then for the eating period only it is permissible.

02: It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:
a. When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
c. After wrecking your boss' car.
d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
e. When she is using her teeth.

03: Any Man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed and eaten by his mates.

04: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

05: If you've known a bloke for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.

06: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is forbidden.
However, complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

07: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your mate's birthday is strictly optional.

08: Whilst on the road, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

09: When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

11: It is permissible to quaff a fruity alcopop drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless supermodel... and it's free.

12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another bloke in the nuts.

13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game (can explain offside or LBW) and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.

19: If you compliment a bloke on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a mate of yours except if she's withholding s*x pending your response.

21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:

a Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b. C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c. Another set and we can hit the showers!
22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing:
i.e. both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.

24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have had drunken sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was occurs.

25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

26: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime, orange or sky blue.

27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story.

28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever.

keyboard flier
14th Dec 2004, 11:45
Gotta say this weeks offerings have been some of the funniest for a long time.
:ok: :D :ok: :D :ok:

DishMan
14th Dec 2004, 12:21
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2030, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

Buster Hyman
14th Dec 2004, 21:15
Apparently this was posted on the Mazda RX8 owners' club website last
night, and got distributed to other sites...


"Was pulled over last night by a copper who'd followed me for a couple
of miles and breathalysed. Bearing in mind I could barely stand it was
no surprise to find I was massively over the limit. This was
particularly disgraceful as I had the missus and kiddie with me in the
car. I was arrested and read my rights. It was all a very salutary
experience, especially when the copper got shirty because I found the
whole business side-splittingly funny. His mate, whilst the arrest took
place, went and had a good look round the car, came back and started
whispering to the other copper. They are whispering frantically at each
other and neither of them look very pleased. Copper turns to me and
starts accusing me of wasting police time, he calls me a dxckhead. I point
out he's just sworn at a member of the public in front of an 18 month
old child and that I'll report him for conduct unbecoming. Plod got back
in their car and drive off, with the copper who'd had a look round my
car laughing his head off.




And the moral of the story for the police is........................

Always check whether a car is left or right
hand drive before breathalysing the guy in the right hand seat"

Haitch
14th Dec 2004, 22:03
Patient: Doctor Doctor... I can't feel my legs !
Doctor: I know... I've amputated your arms.

MikeKnight
14th Dec 2004, 23:27
hehehe...
This ones a doozey

There was this guy who got a parking ticket for not paying and displaying. He is advised of a hair-brained scheme to swap the parking tickets with a mates who'd been there earlier that day.
He sent the parking ticket off along with the phony display ticket, explaining that he had been there and that the parking attendant had incorrectly ticketed his car.

Anyway... in the meantime he posted the details on an Internet Bulliten-Board (including the time and location of the incident) looking for some advice. Umongst the 20-odd replies he recieved, one or two of them advised he was already totally stuffed.

In fear of being locked away with the cornhole boys, he deleted the thread asap.

I wont tell you the rest because that was the punchline.

hahahahahaha

A10 Thundybox
16th Dec 2004, 05:06
Very,very bad taste warning

2 chaps on stag out in Boz looking out on a bomb blasted street:
Smudge: I'm dying for a pi$$ cover me while I nipp off"
Taff: OK mate
Smudge disappeared off for 3 minutes..4 minutes..Half an hour..
Eventually returns..
Taff: where the bloody hell have you been? I thought you were going for a slash?
Smudge:Yeah I was but I saw through one of those broken windows over there this gorgous bird showing her knickers at me, her legs wide open so clambered in and gave her one"
Taff: You jammy bast4rd, which window? did she tell you her name? I'm going to see if she'll suck my dick.
Smudge: Naa, she hasn't got a head.

MadsDad
16th Dec 2004, 08:03
After numerous rounds of "We don't even know if Osama is still alive",

Osama himself decided to send George W. a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game.
Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a coded message :
370HSSV-0773H

Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Colin Powell.
Colin and his aides had no clue either so they sent it to the FBI.
No one could solve it, so it went to the CIA, and then to the NSA, then to the Secret Service. With no clue as to it's meaning, they eventually asked Canada's RCMP for help.

The RCMP cabled the White House as follows :
"Tell the President he is looking at the message upside-down."

strake
16th Dec 2004, 12:23
Scottish Hospitality

Young Chap is driving his car through the Highlands one cold wintry night when it starts to snow heavily. After a while, he realises the road is impassable and stops the car. Getting out he sees that he is in the middle of nowhere and wonders what he is going to do.

In the distance he sees a dim light shining, so he decides to head towards it. After 30 mins of stumbling across fields and ditches he comes to the gates of an enormous old house. He walks up the drive and rings the bell on the massive front door. The door opens and he is greeted by a stunning blonde girl with blue eyes, a button nose, full lips and a georgeous body. He stands there, covered in snow and shivering almost unable to comprehend the beauty of the girl. Suddenly, the girl is pulled to one side and an older woman with a strong Scottish accent exclaims " Agnes girl, Scotish hospitality dear, scottish hospitality. Bring the poor man in from the cold!"

The girl moves to one side and he is led into a large Baronnial style room with old leather sofa's and a roaring fire. "Agnes dear, Scottish hospitality!" says the older woman who, it turns out, is the nymphs Mother. "Sit the poor man down and let him dry himself in front of the fire." Agnes takes his hand lightly and leads him to the sofa. He looks into her eyes and feels his heart pounding madly. "Thank you" he says. "Look, you've been very kind but if I could just use your phone I'll book a hotel in the village and be on my way." "Nonsense you poor man" shouts the mother, "Scottish hospitality. Scottish hospitality. You'll stay here the night and no arguing" The man looks at the girl again and decides maybe he will stay after all.

"Agnes dear, says Mother, where's your Scottish hospitality?" " Make a bed on the sofa for the poor man and bring him a wee dram to warm him up!"
Shortly afterwards, Agnes and her mother say goodnight and go to bed. As the man lies down, he just can't get to sleep for thinking of the beautiful Agnes. It's two in the morning and he is still awake when he hears the door open. He looks up and by the light of the fire he can see Agnes standing, naked with her hands reaching out to him. He jumps out of bed and before they know it the are on the floor making mad passionate love.

Suddenly, the door bursts open and Agnes' mother is standing there looking at them. "Agnes!!" she screams, "Scottish hospitality, where's your Scottish hospitality?" "
Arch your back girl, arch your back and get the poor mans balls off the cold stone floor!"