View Full Version : The everyday joke thread (including Friday)

4th Dec 2004, 00:33
Okay, it was Jerricho's idea, instead of starting a new joke thread every week, have an ongoing thread Seems reasonable if there are enough jokes out there to sustain it. But it'll never catch on. Perhaps. Maybe. Worth a moan anyway.


A guy and a girl meet at a bar. They get along so
well that they decide to go to the girl's place. A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.
He then takes off his trousers and washes his
hands again.

The girl has been watching him and says, "You must be a dentist."
The guy, surprised, says "Yes....how did you
figure that out?"
"Easy," she replied, "you keep washing your hands."
One thing led to another and they make love. After
tthey're done, the girl says, "You must be a good dentist."

The guy, now with a boosted ego says, "Sure, I'm a
good dentist, how did you figure that out?"
"I didn't feel a thing"


Up Front in the Airplane

As the airliner pushed back from the gate, the
flight attendant gave
passengers the usual information regarding seat
belts, etc.

Finally, she said, "Now sit back and enjoy your
trip while your
Judith Campbell, and crew take you safely to your

Joe sitting in the eighth row thought to himself,
"Did I hear her
right? Is
the captain a woman?"

When the attendants came by with the drink cart, he
said, "Did I
you right? Is the captain a woman?"

"Yes," said the attendant, "In fact, this entire
crew is female."

"My God," said Joe, "I'd better have two scotch and
sodas. I don't
what to think of all those women up there in the

"That's another thing sir," said the attendant, "We
no longer call it
cock pit.

Now it's the box office."


Little Johnny
There was this 5-year-old boy named Johnny, and he was very wise in the
ways of the world. His problem was that he was a compulsive gambler and
couldn't resist making all these outrageous wagers.
"Hey Dad! Behind that pine tree you'll see two squirrels f*cking!"

The father was understandably shocked. "Son, how could you say such
things? There are no squirrels doing anything."

"Hey Dad, I just speak the facts. If I win, you pay me 5 dollars, if I
lose, I pay you 10 dollars. That is a very reasonable offer."

The father agrees to the wager. They walk over to the pine tree, and sure
enough two squirrels are coupling. So the father forks over the five
dollars as he promised.

It so happened that September was just around the corner, and Little
Johnny had to start kindergarten. Needless to say, the father did not want
Johnny making his wagers with other innocent children. So he calls the
kindergarten teacher to warn her of his son.

"Err... Ms. Smith, I want to tell you that my son Johnny is prone to make
explicit sexual remarks and even wager money on such. Could you please
disabuse him of such a filthy habit by any means necessary?"

The teacher says she will try.

So the first day of class starts. Not even five minutes pass on the first
day when Little Johnny pipes up. "Hey Ms. Smith! I will bet 50 dollars
that you have brown pubic hair!"

Obviously the teacher was flabberghasted by Little Johnny's remarks. She
grabs his ear and hauls him to a side room. "I oughta spank you and wash
out your mouth with a bar of Lava soap, you filthy little boy!"

Little Johnny took this all in stride. "Hey Ms. Smith, I just speak the
facts. If I win, you don't owe me anything. If you win, I will pay you
fifty dollars." Little Johnny even pulls out the wad of bills to show the
teacher he is not bluffing.

Now Ms. Smith has blonde pubic hair and she is a severely underpaid
kindergarten teacher. Besides, the father did request that she put an end
to his wagers. What more appropriate way to end them than to prove him
wrong for once in his life? So she peeks out the door to make sure nobody
is at the door. She then locks the door and doffs her drawers in front of
Little Johnny. Sure enough he can see that her pubic hair is blonde.
Downcast he begrudgingly forks over the wad of money he bet.

"Now Johnny, I trust that you will never make any bets ever again."

Now Ms. Smith is quite proud of her little victory (and making a little
change on the side). She calls up the father to tell of her success. "I am
pleased to report that your son will never be wagering again." The father
is quite curious as to how she did it.

"Well, err... You did say use any means necessary. Johnny bet me that I
had brown pubic hair and, well... err... I proved him wrong."

"Just how did you prove Johnny wrong?!"

"Well, uhhh... I took Johnny into a side room and I showed him my
genitalia." Ms. Smith was quite nervous at this point.

"That g!dd!mn son-of-a-b!tch! He bet me 100 dollars that you'd take your
underwear off on the first day of class!"

4th Dec 2004, 03:46

It were just a suggestion.


mutter, mutter, where's my gun again, mutter, mutter......

Onan the Clumsy
4th Dec 2004, 13:09
I thought it was Astrodome's suggestion :confused:

4th Dec 2004, 19:29
It was Jerrichos suggestion to me and I posted the question to establish views.

Does that help?

Ian Corrigible
4th Dec 2004, 20:17
Anyone heard the one about Santa taking the FAA checkride...? (just kidding).

Don't think this one's been posted before (apologies to any and all offended parties, etc.):

An Arab spent days wandering in the desert without water. It got so bad even his camel died of thirst. Crawling through the sand, certain he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden he sees a shiny object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, and discovers that he has found a Manischvitz wine bottle. It appears to have a few drops of wine, so he unscrews the top and out pops a Genie. But this is no ordinary genie. This genie appears to be a Chasidic rabbi, complete with black alpaca coat, black hat and side curls, etc. "Well kid, you know how this works," said the Genie. "You have three wishes."

"I don't trust a Chasidic rabbinical Genie," said the Arab.

"Whadya gotta lose? You're gonna die anyway!" replied the Genie.

The Arab thinks about it for a minute, then realizing the Genie is right says "OK. I wish I Were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink." Poof! - The Arab finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he had ever seen. He is surrounded by fine wines and platters of delicious food.

"OK, kid. What's your second wish?" asks the Genie.

"My second wish is that I were rich beyond A Saudi Sheik." replies the Arab once more. Poof! - The Arab now finds himself surrounded with hundreds of chests filled with gold, silver, and precious gems.

"OK, kid. This is your last wish so make it a good one?" inquires the Genie once more.

"I wish I were white and surrounded by beautiful women." The Arab replies. Poof! - The Arab is turned into a Tampax.

The moral: If you do business with a Jewish genie, there's going to be a string attached.