View Full Version : The Friday 3rd Dec Joke

2nd Dec 2004, 22:58
Want to Bet?

A little old lady walked into the main branch of a large Bank holding a large paper bag in her hand.

She told the young man at the window that she wished to open an account with the bank and deposit the 3 million she had in the bag.

She said that prior to doing so she wished to meet the Chairman of the bank due to the large amount of money involved.

The teller opened the bag and saw bungles of 50 bills and thinking this a reasonable request telephoned the Chairman's secretary to make an appointment for the lady.

Later the lady was escorted upstairs and ushered into the Chairman's office.

Introductions were made, and she stated that she liked to get to know the people she did business with on a more personal level. The bank Chairman then asked her how she came into such a large sum of money and whether it was perhaps and inheritance.

She replied "No, I bet on people."

Seeing his confusion she explained that she just bet different things with different people.

All of a sudden she said, "I'll bet you 25,000 that by 10:00 a.m. tomorrow morning your balls will be square."

The bank Chairman figured that she must be off her rocker but decided to take up on the bet. He didn't see how he could lose.

For the rest of the day he was very careful.

He decided to stay home that evening and take no chances, after all, there was 25,000 at stake.

When he got up in the morning and took his shower he checked to make sure everything was normal. There was no difference. He looked the same as he always had.

He went to work and waited for the little old lady to come in at 10:00, humming as he went. He knew that this would be a good day. How often do you get handed 25,000 for doing nothing he thought!

At 10:00 a.m. sharp, the little old lady was shown into the Chairman's office. With her was a younger man who she introduced as her lawyer.

She said she always took him along whenever there was this much money involved. "Well," she asked, "What about our bet?"

"I don't know how to tell you this," he replied, "but I'm the same as I've always been, only 25,000 richer!"

The little old lady seemed to accept this but insisted that she be able to see for herself.

The bank Chairman thought the request reasonable and dropped his trouser. She instructed him to bend over and then she grabbed hold of him. Sure enough, everything was fine, but then the Bank Chairman looked up and saw the lady's lawyer across the room, banging his head against the wall.

"What's wrong with him?" he asked.

"Oh, him?", she replied, "I bet him 100,000 that by 10:00 a.m. this morning I'd have the Chairman of the Bank by the balls.

3rd Dec 2004, 07:10
French fighter pilot pulls a sultry young waitress during the 1st war.

Things are getting a bit fruity & he's down on the boobies. Suddenly, he whips out a bottle of white wine, pours it over her chest & proceeds to slurp & lick away.

'What are you doing?' cries Yvette

'Ma name is Pierre Kardin & when ah eat white meat, I drink white wine' he replies.
Then, pasion rising, he heads south. Suddenly he pulls out a bottle of red wine & repeats the feat.

'What are you doing now? Yvette asks, amazed at Pierres actions

'Ma name is Pierre kardin & when ah eat red meat, ah drink red wine'

A few minutes later, he whips out a bottle of Brown ale.

I'll shut the door on me way out.:{

3rd Dec 2004, 08:53
Parap - thats a good one. I have just posted this in another unfortunate thread:

Whats a KFC and a blonde got in common?
Once you get past the tender breast and juicy thigh, all's you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in :E

3rd Dec 2004, 10:26
Here's my contribution.......

Whats the difference between an egg and masturbation????

you can beat an egg...............................!!!

3rd Dec 2004, 11:44
Probably heard at least once by everyone here but anyway:

The Black Box:

3 Supermodels, 2 white and one black are sitting on a plane when the captain comes over the PA "I'm sorry to inform you folks but we have lost control of the plane and are going to crash."

Silence fills the plane when suddenly one of the white supermodels starts putting her makeup on the other two look at her bewilidered "what are you doing?" asks the second white supermodel "I am of he opinion that when we crash they will search for the most prettiest survivor first"

Silence again, then suddenly the second white supermodel starts pulling off her top first and bra second, the black supermodel looks at her bewilidered "what are you doing?" she asks "I am of the opinion that when we crash they will search for the survivor with the biggest breasts first"

Silence once more and then suddenly the black supermodel takes off her skirt and panties the first supermodel is thinking this is to much and asks "what the fcuk do you think you are doing?" smugly the black supermodel replys "when we crash the first thing they look for is the black box"

3rd Dec 2004, 12:47
One for the ornithologists...............

Q: How do you tell the difference between a Shag and a Cormorant?

A: You can beat a good Cormorant............

3rd Dec 2004, 13:01
A lady goes into Walmart to buy a fishing rod for her husband, she has no idea what she wants but picks a nice one and goes to an assistant for help, by the till is a Walmart assistant wearing dark glasses. The lady asks the assistant if she has chosen a nice product, the assistant replies "Madam, I am blind but if you just drop the product on the counter I will tell you all about it just from the noise it makes."
She doesn't believe him but drops the rod on the counter anyway.
The assistant says, "Madam, you have made a very good choice, that is a 12 foot telescopic graphite rod, with a Zebco 20 reel and 10 pound breaking strength line, it retails at $20.00. "
" I will take it." Says our lady.
The assistant moves to the till to ring in the purchase, as he does so the lady farts. She is immediately embarrassed but quickly realises the only person in earshot is the blind assistant and he wouldn't know it was her. The assistant rings in the sale and says to the lady, "That will be $25.50, Madam."
" I thought you said $20.00." replied our lady
The assistant says " The rod is $20.00, the duck caller is $3.00 and the catfish stink bait is another $2.50, Making $25.50 altogether."

3rd Dec 2004, 14:54
Astro, if I may.

Why the need to start a new thread every Friday? Just think, if all these were merged, you could have a new super-thread to rival that meaningless one, or Plaz's neverending-effin-sentence-thread.

Just a thought.

3rd Dec 2004, 15:18
The teacher, Ms. Pelzner, was very curious about how each
of her students celebrated Christmas. She called on young
Patrick Murphy.

"Tell me Patrick, what do you do at Christmas time?" she

Patrick addressed the class, "Well Ms. Pelzner, me and
my twelve brothers and sisters go to the Midnight Mass
and we sing hymns, and then we come home very late and
we put mince pies by the back door and hang up our
stockings. Then all excited, we go to bed and wait for
Father Christmas to come with all our toys."

"Very nice Patrick," she said. "Now Jimmy Brown, what
do you do at Christmas?"

"Well, me and my sister also go to Church with Mom and
Dad and we sing carols and we get home ever so late.
We put cookies and milk by the chimney and we hang up
our stockings. We hardly sleep, waiting for Santa Claus
to bring our presents."

Realizing there was a Jewish boy in the class and not
wanting to leave him out of the discussion, she asked,
"Now, Isaac Cohen, what do you do at Christmas?"

Isaac said, "Well, it's the same thing every year. Dad
comes home from the office. We all pile into the Rolls
Royce, then we drive to his toy factory. When we get
inside, we look at all the empty shelves and begin to
sing, 'What a friend we have in Jesus.' Then we all go
to the Bahamas."

3rd Dec 2004, 16:18
Whats blue and doesn't fit any more?

- A dead epileptic.

A man goes to a psychiatrist. To start things off, the psychiatrist
suggests they start with a Rorschach Test. He holds up the first
picture and asks the man what he sees.
"A man and a woman making love in a park," the man replies.
The psychiatrist holds up the second picture and asks the man what
he sees.
"A man and a woman making love in a boat."
He holds up the third picture.
"A man and a woman making love at the beach."
This goes on for the rest of the set of pictures; the man says he
sees a man and a woman making love in every one of the pictures.
At the end of the test, the psychiatrist looks over his notes and
says, "It looks like you have a preoccupation with sex."
And the man replies, "Hey, you're the one with the dirty pictures for fcuk sake"

3rd Dec 2004, 19:58
A street urchin walks into a fish-and-chip shop and shouts, "Gimme three penn'orth of chips and a f**king fish!"

The lady serving says, "That is not the way to get served. I will show you how to behave - please come round here and I will take your place as a customer."

After changing places the lady says, "Could I have three pennyworth of chips and a fish please."

The lad says. "F**k off, you wouldn't serve me!"