Adventures in Class 1 Medicals...

[Steve76]

Now, I have had a licence for a few years.

Lots of medicals under the bridge and I have only ever had one done to the exact standard of the year before....and that was the class 1 medical you get in about 10mins, involving lots of pen work. Yes - No, are you suicidal? heart disease? drink? take drugs?, she'll be right ... OK, that's a $100 thanks.

Those are the good ones.

Experiences to date:

I had one today in NZ and this doctor gets the award for only the 4th bloke to handle the lads in the last 33years.
I am the first; my old man is the second and the Vas surgeon in the third. I did my best not to get excited...
No cancer apparently. WTF Mate?

The previous Class 1 in NZ was the weirdest experience of my life. The doc takes me into a completely windowless room and turns off the lights. Crickey...
Then a tiny green light is switched on in the far corner and I am told to stare at it while he looks into my eyes with his special doohickey thing. He was so close to me that I could feel his breath on my cheek...or was that in my ear?
WTF Mate?

Same guy. Has a desk that would make an ADHD sufferer look tidy. Sits down across from me and asks me to repeat the words that he says.
OK - this should be easy.
Picks up a book and covers his face so that his eyes are only showing. Then he whispers
"Octopus.....Giraffe......Hippopotamus....."
I nearly died trying not to crack up laughing. WTF Mate?

Same guy asks me to piss in an open plastic container. Righto.
Where are the toilets? Oh! through the waiting room. Ok. Into the bath, squeeze out a sample, pinch off the flow, rest down the dunny. Hand wash.
Now, negotiate through crowded waiting room full of people with dangerously full sample of fresh tepid urine. Toys on the floor, extended legs, Hi there! Whew... arrived back OK.
He comes over and while I hold it up he dips his litmus paper into it (no gloves..), checks whether I won or not and the then instructs me to dispose of the sample.
Where? Oh! of course, back in the toilets. Slightly warm urine, kids, fellow patients....... bugger the door is locked. Wait with pee Tupperware in waiting room.
Looking at my piss wondering if I could really drink it if I was marooned on a raft in the middle of the pacific. Warm or cold?
WTF Mate?

Canada:
"OK buddy, please remove your shirt".
Tap, Tap, breathe in, out, Tap, Tap. Ribs ok, ticker is still operating...
"OK buddy, please drop your pants".
Done.
BUGGER!!!, I am completely starkers. The bastard tricked me!!!
Suck up pride, chest out, back straight, this is completely normal to be standing in your socks in a doctors office. Happens all the time. Smile for the cameras and hope you never see yourself on some internet voyeur site.
Cough please?
Croak out a bark, surprise I am all normal. No hernia here. WTF Mate?

Aussie ECG time:
"Lie down please, shirt off"
Firm grip on pants. Won't get caught with the 'ol shirt off, pants down a second time. Staring at roof and suddenly a razor appears and lovely sponge bob shape is hacked out of my sparse chest hair.
I am in shock.

"**** lady, that has taken forever to grow you know! Why did you do that"

Apparently the machine pads don't stick to hair.
Now I make a turtle look hairy, so I wasn't impressed at all.
I didn't even flinch when she started on the ankles....
I asked her to do the rest of my chest and she just laughed. I was ******* serious... What am I to do with a square of emptiness in the middle of my body?
WTF Mate...

ECG Canada:
This is a world's greatest ECG machine. It makes a diagnostic machine at your local garage look like HAL from 2001.
It can adjust your mixtures, check your emissions, tell you what your crank angle sensor is measuring and rotate your tyres.

Beep, beep wirr....grind....spit. Out comes the $80 piece of paper.
"seems you have failed Mr Steve76..."
FAILED???!!!
"Yes, your heart rate is a bit too slow...."
How much? "45 beats per minute.."
Yep, sounds normal. What's the issue? I do a lot of exercise. A healthy heart is a by-product. DUH!
Tell you what, I'll do 50 pushups and we can try again...
WTF Mate.

Audiology Aussie:
My favorite. I take these pretty seriously. It seems a great competition to try and beat last years score.
Hands clamping earpieces, head down, eyes shut.
Was that a beep? Oh bugger...just push the button anyway.
Man this would be easier if there WASN'T A FRIGGIN MOTORWAY OUTSIDE THE WINDOW....
WTF Mate?

Audio test NZ:
First time ever.
Sit in this booth please Mr Steve76.
Lady sits in booth right beside me, separated only by glass window.
Beep....beep....beep.
Hmmm... Seems that when she presses that little button that I can SEE in my peripheral vision I hear a little beep.
Duh....
"WELL done! Mr Steve76, you have awesome hearing..."
WTF Mate?

Surely you guys must be able to add to this collection of tales.
Or am I just blessed with an entertaining life :)

[Arm out the window]

One time I'm in the Dr's office in my jocks, he says "Stand on one leg with your eyes closed."
OK, no worries.
"Now crouch down."
A little bit wobbly, but OK.
"Now hop across the room."
I do the best I can, wondering if he's going to tell me to bark like a dog next.
"Ok you can open your eyes and get dressed now."
I say "That hopping across the room like a duck thing was a joke you made up, wasn't it?"
Dr doesn't crack a smile, apparently it was fair dinkum.
Never run across it elsewhere though...

[212man]

Had an audiogram in Lagos where after a few minutes the nurse said she'd finished. I was puzzled as only the left ear had heard any tones, and queried it. By now, looking at her and her graph of my performance, I could see one line accross the bottom and one normal line. She then told me I was deaf in my right ear!

After some discussion I persuaded her that perhaps the machine was faulty, but what to do? I came up with the idea of wearing the headset backwards and if she pressed the left ear buttons, I should hear it in my right ear. She looked at me as if I had two heads and had no clue what I was on about.

She agreed to try it, but continued to press the right ear buttons and of course nothing happened. A victorious look of "I told you it wouldn't work" crossed her face as I said there was no tone! At the last minute, a tone appeared (in my left ear) and she carried on with the test.

So, she's pressing the right ear buttons which are producing a tone in my left ear (headset still on backwards) and I'm looking right at her and the machine. Strangely enough, I got a perfect score!

The doctor expressed some concerns that possibly my right ear may be on the way out but that the graph was still good and could not really question it.

Had to wait 6 months to find out if my right ear actually did work!

[Robbo Jock]

Talking Audiograms, my first was at the Belgrano, stuck in a little booth listening for the beeps. Nursey eventually opens the door and asks ‘which ear did you say you had the ache in?’ I point at my right, ‘Hmmmmm’ shuts the door and wanders off, suddenly sounds in my right ear. Back she comes, turns the headset around, wanders off and sounds in my left ear (out of the right earpiece). Luckily it was the left earpiece that was faulty, or I’d have failed the initial medical on grounds of an ear infection.
Fairly recently on a renewal, in the Doctors house, he sits me down in his Dining Room with the automated Audiogram machine on the table behind me, turns it on and says he’ll be back in a while. I’m sitting there happily hearing beeps and pushing the button, when suddenly Mrs Doctor decides to hoover the Hall. Audiogram in full flow and me just too far away from the door to nudge it shut with my toe. Still, managed to pass it.

[Reefdog]

middle east... got to the doc,s and straight away go with the blood pressure gear.... gee your B/Ps high..no **** i just walked up 4 flights of stairs... come back in 5 mins... went outside for a smoke... come in mr reef...B/Ps still high....yeah i just had a duree didnt i...

cairns.... hearing test...press the red button for the right ear and the blue button for the left..no probs
could see the control panel the doc was using.. when he pushed red so did i,, he pushed blue...well i had too eh
mr reef you have the most remarkable hearing i have ever seen in a helio driver

good thing my eyes are ok

[Disguise Delimit]

Medical in Oz with a quack i have used quite often - you will see why.

I booked the medical for a Friday, and he was surprised to see me turn up at his door. "I thought we could have done this one over the phone" he says.

He had already filled in the form, and when I produced the wee sample, he gave it the Sink Test - yes, it went down the drain satisfactorily, you pass!

[SASless]

After how many flight physicals beginning in 1964...FAA, US Army, UK CAA, Iran, Nigerian, company, and US Navy......to be told in 1998 that I was colour blind was a bit of a surprise. I reminded the FAA Quack that made the statement....that I certainly was for I invariably received maximum marks under the "Equal Opportunity" catagory on my personnel reports yearly.....he did not see that bit of humor.

After much palavver....he insisted the truth of the matter was that despite my being able to identify by "color" every color on the signs, posters, and photographs on display.....I was not seeing the actual color and thus was "color blind".

Upon my employer suggesting my malady being quite temporary....all of our medical exams would be moved to a competitor.....I had an amazing, nay, an evangelical style healing of the problem.

Evidently, the Quack had a red-green defiecency onset.....with the moving of our business to the competitor.....our quack's practice would soon see red.

[GTNav]

As usual Steve you are not working hard enough!!

Anyway, few years ago the nurse was doing the prelim stuff like eyes, ears etc.

Comes to the blood pressure and she does the most amazing thing. She stands in front of me, takes my hand and rests it on her breast so she can put the inflating thing on my bicep.

Amazingly I had a high reading, no sh1t! I was getting a cheap thrill and wondering if this was a start of one of those amazing stories you only read in Playboy!!

I suggested a second attempt when it became obvious that she was blond and not planning any extra activities.

By me having my hand on my knee not her chest everything got a bit simpler!!

Story Number 2

After a head injury I lost my sense of smell. Doc sees me, waves a bottle under my nose and asks if I can smell anything, I could not. I asked him what it was supposed to smell of and he tells me ORANGES.

Six months later my arms and legs that were also injured in the accident are out of plaster and I am ready to work. Doc says if I can not smell fire, spilt fuel etc it is unsafe for me to get my class 1 back, he then produces same bottle. MMMM that smells of ORANGES doc he is really amazed at my recovery, I am really amazed that he is a Dr.

[evod]

Doing my first medical in Indonesia a few years ago. DGAC medical offices in downtown Jakarta, about 10 seperate rooms conducting seperate examinations (hearing in rm1, eyes rm2 etc) I get to dr gigi (dentist) yep dentist, open the gob and the dentist looks horrified and calls over everyone in the room. I have been in the country two weeks know absolutely no Indonesian except satu lagi bintang besar (one more big beer) and all these dental staff are looking in my mouth and poking around. After every one had a good look i finally escaped. I later found out that the staff had never ever seen anyone without any fillings and everyone was amazed and had to have a look.

34 yrs and still no fillings, thanks mum for forcing me to brush!!

:D Me
:} Indos

[stebysteeb]

is there anyone out there who is deaf on one ear who has enough guts to take on the challenge to try for a deviation pass on class 1 medical for cpl ???

if so please reply and tell me how you got on .....

hi i am read to take on the ppl H training and have the funds in place to do so but but !!!

i have done my research for ppl night licence and cpl and only thing stopping me starting the ball rolling is class 1 medical :(

ive "heard" that its possible to do all training right up to cpl standard and if can provide that my hearing does not effect my control or communication of craft its possible to gain my cpl H by deviation, is this true .......

anyone ???

thanx

grounded rotahead

stebysteeb

[Wizzard]

While the Doc was checking my danglies he said "don't worry, it's quite normal to get an erection whilst carrying out this procedure" I said "I haven't got one" and he said "no, but I have"




Taxi for Wizz...

[choppertop]

After my audiogram, I asked if I had heard and identified all the tones. "Yes," said the nurse. "You heard all the ones I played. And quite a few that I didn't."

[Gulfstreamaviator]

The well respected Dr, on every Class 1 I have had in that country, always checked the dangly bits...... what ever rocks his boat...... but he also checks the other (back) side too.....just a visual inspection.....

The audiogram lady....for the first time made me face the wall...... not thats just not fair..... my hearing is so good I hear her press the key not hear the tone.......so my hearing is perfect.

Last time did my JAA in UK, and FAA in USA, as I could not face the sandpit Dr.

glf

[Gulfstreamaviator]

Sometimes I wonder just how we manage to pass the hearing tests....

glf

[TeeS]

My hearing test to join the Navy consisted of a stunning nurse stroking each ear in turn while the doc whispered words from the far side of the room. I really couldn't care what he was saying, apparently I got them right though.

TeeS

[Sir Niall Dementia]

I had one in Malaysia, when it came to the ECG the nurse went out of the room and came back with her mates, turned out they'd never seen a hairy chest before.

My EEG at the Belgrano back in the mists of time was done in a room which was lit by a huge amount of sunshine, when the lass was backlit I realised she was wearing VERY skimpy knickers and nothing else under her white coat. I had real problems shutting my eyes when she told me to as the view was heavenly:ok:

SND

[CharlieOneSix]

Now I appreciate this is not done at a Class One medical but if you ever find yourself in the unfortunate position of being told you need a rectal examination by means of finger insertion then go to a young lady doctor. They tend to have slimmer fingers than old podgy male doctors........the experience is a little less uncomfortable and at my decrepit age I speak from experience of both.

[rotorfan]

A local AME doctor was well known for keeping pilots in the air. In fact, one exam room was plastered with photos and letters of thanks from mil and comm types that were still able to make their living in a cockpit. After a few of his exams, I concluded that one was bound to pass the exam as long as he had at least the faintest pulse. Always walked out with a medical cert, but never a clue as to the state of my health. The current guy gives me the finger and squeezes the tender bits, but I have a better feeling leaving that I'll be healthy enough to make it to the next exam.

[grumpytroll]

Just finishing up my annual with the flight surgeon and he asks me if I want him to put his finger up my b@#%. I said no, not really. The smart ass grins and says"congratulations, you passed the psychological portion of your physical. by the way, you owe me a six pack."

[HillerBee]

Did a Class 1 (renewal) with FAA doctor in Florida, nothing wrong, issues the piece of paper. Few weeks later I get a letter from the FAA and a new Medical Certificate stating : 'SHOULD WEAR ARTIFICIAL LIMB"

Took a while to get that sorted..........

[Hughes500]

Well last 6 monthly medical attached to the ecg machine. It goes beebbbbbbbbbbbb ! AME smacks it and says the machine says you are dead:uhoh: Takes my pulse and says machine will not recognise someone with a resting pulse below 50 ! Am told to think of cludia Schiffer with no clothes on and waggling my legs to get my pulse up for the reading:ugh:

[Gandalf the Viking]

Not strictly Class 1 but military aircrew medicals.
1. During my initial selection board, when it came to the preliminary medical I was shown into the office of one Surgeon Commander A*****n. For some reason we were sent in two at a time and the wanabe pilot shown in with me was a Petty Officer Artificer. A*****n went through our details and then asked if we smoked. I replied “No” but the other guy said “Yes”. “And what are you?” asked the Doc. “Petty Officer Artificer” was the reply. “No, what are you?” repeated the Doc. Again “Petty Officer Artificer, Sir”. “No you’re not” said Adamson,” You’re a c**t!”
So here I was again one year later, now Midshipman Gandalf RN, standing in front of Doc A*****n giving my details. Eventually he came to THE QUESTION. “Do you smoke?” What with all the pressures of Dartmouth I had started again so I truthfully replied “Yes sir”, “And what are you?” he asked. “I’m a c**t, sir”. A short silence and then “Have we met before?”
2. Much later at a well known Scottish Naval Air Squadron we had an elderly civvy doctor whose “audiogram” consisted of his sidekick sticking his finger in your ear while the doc whispered “Sixty six” and “Kilmarnock”. It was the same for every medical until some smartass said the words before the doc did!

[topendtorque]

Had a doc once who's no longer with us was a chronic cricket fan. My medical was always test match time. He and his partner had a new clinic and the first extra expense was a B/W TV presumably for the delight of waiting patients. Wrong - it was so ol' doc mate could check the blessed cricket. One would enter and be met with, "What's the score?" One only needed to comment that Shepherd had been done by a Larwood bouncer and it was just too much, out he would rush returning occasionally to chuck in a few notes. I would be given the paperwork with a, "Here you can fill this in."

That's when I discovered that medical literature was not my first language and that NO in every box was not right.

Later I was doing the annual with his partner, a very funny man and clever with the silent syllables. This one day I had flown the noisy F/W in after a long several months in the more noisy flying machines and noise; well noise was never my best friend. I did the urine sample and walked in with it with a, "where shall I put it?".

'Just there on the desk thanks,' came the reply. Now, it's right in my field of view and it starts playing on my mind, stale p**s-- getting staler---, what if a bloke had to crash in the desert -- and have to drink it---, as the questions flowed. 'Ever had lumbago of the third ventricle left footed ingrown toenail? All that sort of mind riveting stuff, then he mutters under his breath, 'How's your hearing?'

Came the automatic response,
"Well it hasn't melted the bottom out of that glass bottle yet".

Weill, his head snapped back with eyes as big as dinner plates and eyebrows gone way past his hair line, but quick as a flash he says, 'Don't spend too much time in controlled airspace do we?'

[SASless]

Speaking of Digital exams....not the electronic kind...the 82nd Airborne Flight Surgeon for a while was a very tall fellow....like about 6'7" or so....who could hold a Basketball with a single hand on top of the ball.

When said exam was about half done....I suggested he could have had the courtesy of taking his Watch off before doing the exam. It is the first time I ever had my Tonsils checked from the bottom!

I am definitely meant to be a regular straight heterosexual it seems.