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con-pilot
1st Dec 2004, 01:58
“Bureaucrats Do Rule the World”, proof positive.”

I read in a newspaper yesterday an article released from AP about how suicide bombers had to fill out forms to become accepted as a suicide bomber.

The more I read the funnier it seemed to me, I know it is sad and pathetic, but God help me I started chuckling then I started to laugh and by the end of the article I was nearly crying from laughing so hard.

Now just think about this, if you want to be a suicide bomber you have to fill out a form?

Just what kind of form do they have to fill out?

I can see it now, a figure sneaking down an alleyway dressed in robes and funky headdress looking around furtively not wanting to be spotted. Finally he finds the headquarters of a “Kill the Infidels are Us” company or you know.

Our poor misguided sap walks in and the following conversation could occur.

Sap, “Hello, I want to kill the great Satan infidels and go to that place, whatever it is, and have sex with 10,0000 virgins.”

Bureaucrat, “Welcome Oh Great Believer, may I ask if you are a pilot, tank driver, infantryman or trained in any military skills? And by the way it is only 72 virgins.”

Sap, “What, just 72 virgins, hey there 365 days in the year how good is that with just 72 virgins? Give me a break ok, I want at least one virgin a day, ok. Now back to business. I just want to kill the Infidels, all of the believers and followers of the Great Satan.”

Bureaucrat, “Good for you, we need a lot of you idiots, er believers, please sit down and fill out this form.”

Sap, “I don’t need no stinking forms, I just want to kill the infidels!

Bureaucrat. “Well that is all well and good, however we must be assured that you will be dumb, er dedicated enough to carry through the with the great sacrifice to destroy the Great Satan ‘America’?

Sap, “All of America? Even Hollywood?”

Bureaucrat, “Yes, yes all of the Great Satan and their lackeys.”

Sap, “ Are you sure about Hollywood?”

Bureaucrat, “Er, well maybe not all of Hollywood, but that is not the point. Are you ready to kill all the infidels where ever we say to do so?”

Sap, “Oh yes, KILL the infidels!”

Bureaucrat, “Well then fill out those forms and we will see if you qualify.”

Our would be suicide bomber (sap) now starts to fill out the forms.

Sap, “What, you need my social security number and my birth date?”

Bureaucrat, “Yes, we need to run a credit check you know.”

Sap, “Credit check, CREDIT CHECK? What do you need a credit check for? All I want to do is KILL the INFIDELS!”

Bureaucrat, “Yes, we need to make sure that you do not to rip off the system, er church just for the money.”

Sap, “Money, what do you mean by money, and just how much money? Is it in US dollars?”

Bureaucrat, “Yes it is in US dollars, we will give you $250,000, er sorry, hum $500.00 US dollars for your mission. Just remember to put an X in the square at the bottom of the last page of the form. Ok?”

Sap, “An X at the bottom of the last page?”

Bureaucrat, “Yes I need that, er we need any extra money left over to make sure the we can defeat the ‘Great Satan’ you know.”

Sap, “ Yes Death to the GREAT SATAN!”

Bureaucrat, “Yes, yes what ever. Now fill out the form you bloody fool.”

Sap, “Ok, hum, it asks whom do I want kill.

1. Anybody
2. People with guns that can shoot me.
3. Indiscriminately kill people whither they belong to our religion or be Christian.
4. People that will shoot me.
5. Small children and their families.
6. People that will happy to shoot me.
7. People that can’t defend themselves.
8. People that can defend themselves.”

Bureaucrat, “Yes, yes please finish the form.”

Sap, “Well I like 1, 3, 5 and 7, I’m not happy about people being able to shoot back you know.”

Bureaucrat, “Yes, yes well done, you have qualified to become a suicide bomber, congratulations!”

Sap, “Oh thank you so much, but I still need to ask you about health care and retirement plans.”



Flaps and the other moderators, if this is too over the top, so to speak, please feel free to delete this post and chastise me or change it in any way you desire.

I’m sorry, but when I read that article it just hit me as hilarious, imagine having to fill out a form to kill yourself.

Thank you,

C-P

allan907
1st Dec 2004, 02:10
Mods - Can this post be accepted in its current form? Shouldn't there be the usual disclaimer attached and a hard copy lodged for the files in case of any court settlements?

Say what you like about bureaucracy but at least it keeps paper makers in jobs:ok:

(BTW - :ok: con pilot

West Coast
1st Dec 2004, 03:34
Not far from the truth.

http://www.frontpagemag.com/Articles/ReadArticle.asp?ID=14092

surely not
1st Dec 2004, 09:40
Con Pilot that was a great piece of surreal humour, especially as when I read it the phrasing sounded like an arab jew!!

airship
1st Dec 2004, 14:16
It would make sense that such a form would consist of an original and at least a dozen self-copies:

Original - enrolling authority's archives (absolving the enrolling authority of any responsibility in case of lawsuits from suicide's dependents).

Copy 1 - distribution within enrolling authority hierarchy (for info).

Copy 2 - distribution to affiliated enrolling organisations (for kudos and to ensure that the same suicide has not registered with more than 1 organisation in order to claim multiple rewards ie. fraud).

Copy 3 - explosives & accessories requisition & supply dept.

Copy 4 - personal copy for enrolling official (to justify the officer's 10% commission ie. 7.2 virgins per successful suicide candidate).

Copy 5 - human organ donation authorisation (and why not?!).

Copy 6 - US Homeland Security (for info, certain data hidden).

Copy 7 - US Homeland Security (for info, after successful operation, threat no longer exists).

Copy 8 - Heaven (advance reservation of 72 virgins).

Copy 9 - Palestinian Authorities (advance notification that they will have to rehouse a certain number of people in due course, certain data hidden?)

Copy 10 - Israeli Authorities (address to which the bulldozers be sent, after the event).

Copy 11 - Israeli Authorities (we have just demolished the above-mentioned residence, please note that you will now have to rehouse the remaining residents...).

Copy 12 - We wish to make the following funds transfer (to Swiss bank).

I've prolly forgotten something, but I've done quite well for a non-bureaucrat wouldn't you agree...?! :O

nosefirsteverytime
1st Dec 2004, 16:40
I'm not sure if frontpagemag.com is what you would call "the truth".

Solid Rust Twotter
1st Dec 2004, 17:54
Copy 5 - human organ donation

As long as they don't require anything larger than oh, say, a half teaspoonful of mushy guts.........

airship
1st Dec 2004, 18:07
Characteristics of the current human explosive body armour design are prolly inefficient. But it's not my responsibility. Please address your suggestions for improvements to the proper department...:zzz:

Astra driver
1st Dec 2004, 19:12
Great post Con Pilot!

:ok: :ok:

Solid Rust Twotter
1st Dec 2004, 19:16
airship

Reactive armour, then?:ok:

BahrainLad
1st Dec 2004, 21:11
In the Gulf, it's a nightmare due to the British influence (Everything must be written down) and the Indian influence (Your importance in society is directly related to the number of flimsy sheets of paper with your name on them.)

In order to learn (!) to drive, I think I filled an A4 binder...